Can you stand another 'quitting' dilemma?

[msl529]

Hi. I posted a few months ago on the Q & A Forum about moving to a new gym, from CA to FL. We moved, & I reported back that my dd loved her new gym here, & all was well. She's just been moved up to L6, after competing 2 yrs in L5 (she was state champ in CA on bars & beam last Fall-had a GREAT season). Now she is saying she wants to quit. She is 12, ending 6th grade, & in the full throes of all those wonderful hormone changes. I see several reasons why she may be wanting to quit: #1 Although this new gym is very nice, there are not as many girls in her level as there were at her gym in CA. Here, some girls are nice, some are a bit 'catty'. In CA they were ALL nice and VERY supportive of each other. Just not the same atmosphere. #2: She says she feels like she is missing out on a ''life", although she hasn't really made many new friends here yet, just gym friends. #3: Had her back walkover on beam, now has lost it, beam coach is 'mad' at her group, because most of them lost it and they are getting speeches about how they will not compete beam in Fall if they don't do the skill soon. SO...She has gone thru what I call 'gym slumps' before (she's been in it since 3rd grade), and often her 'slumps' come in the Spring. Normally, she LOVES to compete, and really thrives on that. She often scores better than teammates who are 'better' than her, simply becasue she can keep her cool & have fun up there in front of the judges. I simply mention this because I feel her slumps are due to boredom, and she always gets better as competition season approaches. My approach has always been to make her stick it out for a while, and she always gets better. I told her she has to stay in it through the end of the Fall competition season (which is 6 months from now), and we can re-visit this again then. My question is this: Do you think that is too long to make her wait? I don't want to force her to stay if this sport is just reaching its natural end for her, YET the past has always proven that making her stick was right. However, I've never seen her this bored, apathetic, or adamant about quitting. Maybe she is just more hormonal this year than last year? Help!!

[flippymonkeysmom]

I think the hormonal and social changes middle school brings has a lot to do with it. I think that is the most common age for girls to quit. I was just saying to my dh last night that I think this summer is going to make it or break it for my dd. Her gym increases hours and trains harder over the summer. She is ok with it but has commented on how she won't have much time to hang out by the pool with her friends. When she was younger, the gym provided all the socialization she needed. Next year she starts middle school and this is no longer the case. She wants to be involved with her school friends and gym. She is the only one who will be able to decide whether she can do that or if she still wants too. I asked her the other day what her goals were with gymnastics. As of then she said she wants to make it to level 10 and hopefully be good enough to maybe do it in college. Right now she is a level 7. I think the best thing would be to ask your daughter what she wants out of gymnastics, what her goals are and have her make a list of reasons she wants to quit and reasons she would want to stick with it. Also, as much as she likes her new gym it is not "her" gym. We went through this 2 years ago when we moved out of state. We switched gyms again about a year ago because my dd just wasn't happy where she was and was thinking of quitting. She still keeps in touch with her old coach from NY and after talking with her he told her she didn't need to quit, she needed to switch gyms. She did and is much happier and doing much better. At their age competitiveness and cattiness between teammates can be really hard to deal with. Then through a ton of emotion they don't know what to do with on top of it and the situation seems hopeless to them. Pre-teens and logical thought just don't mix very well sometimes!!

Sorry for my rambling response - but I totally know where you are coming from. I hope whatever decision she makes it ends up being the right one for her and she is happy. *hug*

[Gym mum UK]

This is so difficult and I sympathize fully with you.

A few months ago my 11 year old daughter wanted to give up gym completely. I persuaded her to think about it and keep it going whilst she made up her mind. My reasons were that I thought it was just a temporary blip and, although she is not top gymnast material, I thought the sport was good for her and is actually about the only thing in her life which really challenges her.

She is now really happy that she stayed on and does not want to give up at all.

The problem with many of the beam moves is that they grow in spurts and their centre of gravity changes quite quickly which causes many of them to lose confidence on the beam with moves which they "had" perfectly well before the growth spurt. Is she aware of this? It might help with some of the frustration with the beam if she realized that many girls go through this and that it takes some adjustment time.

The problem with the girls in her group is that girls are often more "psychological" in their tactics, boys more physical and much easier to see and solve (usually involves a bit of a scrap and is over in a couple of minutes). Whereas girls take much longer to bond in groups and also can view newcomers as a bit of a threat.

Anyway, good luck to both of you, I think you will know what is best in the long term. Let us know what happens ...

[bogwoppit]

Wow, she's really going through a lot this year, and so are you. Let me see:-

she moved a long way from her old friends

She changed schools.

She moved from her home to a new house.

She's 12, agh those hormones!

She changed gym's and levels.

Oh yes and her family all moved too, meaning that you are all going through one of the most stressful experiences that life can bring. The good news is you are doing it all together.

Six months does seem like a long time for her to wait until she can stop. Is there any way that she could take a month off at the beginning of summer, the gym does not need to know why, that way she could "have a life" and see if she really misses gym enough to go back and the door would still be open.

I have a 15 and almost 12 year old, these are challenging years both as a kid and a parent. Your DD is old enough to know that she needs a break, but I can't imagine her putting 100% into anything that she isn't really into right now.

As for the cattiness in the gym, that seems to come with age too, sadly it is tolerated by some gyms which seems to encourage the girls to do it more.

To sum my rambling thought up, talk about a "break from gym" not quitting and maybe she will see other solutions to her momentary issue. Don't turn it into a battle, because it can't work.

Good luck, I really feel for you, but what I know for sure is...one day all our kids will stop doing gym for one reason or another, sometimes we just don't get to choose.

[msl529]

Thanks so much for the support and helpful tips. I will definitely have her do the list you suggested. She used to say that she wanted to go for a gym college scholarship, so I will ask her about that. About the gym choice-I did ask her if she wanted to try another one & she said that was not the reason, she has enough nice friends there, and the cattiness is pretty mild & not really directed at her. But I just think her old gym in CA had this very hard-working, positive, 'let's go for it' atmosphere that just kept them stimulated & motivated, and she may not realize that she needs that to keep her going. She goes to an excellent gym (Bieger), so I doubt another team around here will be able to offer the same level of coaching. She has Jana Bieger from her own gym competing nationally, what could be more stimulating than that? Unless she needs a more mellow gym, which I doubt is the case, because the one in CA that was very competitive and well-run was what really got her amped-up about gym. But I will suggest to her that she talk w/ her old coach in CA, that is a great idea. Thanks again!

[msl529]

Quote:
Originally Posted by bogwoppit Wow, she's really going through a lot this year, and so are you. Let me see:- she moved a long way from her old friends She changed schools. She moved from her home to a new house. She's 12, agh those hormones! She changed gym's and levels. Oh yes and her family all moved too, meaning that you are all going through one of the most stressful experiences that life can bring. The good news is you are doing it all together. Six months does seem like a long time for her to wait until she can stop. Is there any way that she could take a month off at the beginning of summer, the gym does not need to know why, that way she could "have a life" and see if she really misses gym enough to go back and the door would still be open. I have a 15 and almost 12 year old, these are challenging years both as a kid and a parent. Your DD is old enough to know that she needs a break, but I can't imagine her putting 100% into anything that she isn't really into right now. As for the cattiness in the gym, that seems to come with age too, sadly it is tolerated by some gyms which seems to encourage the girls to do it more. To sum my rambling thought up, talk about a "break from gym" not quitting and maybe she will see other solutions to her momentary issue. Don't turn it into a battle, because it can't work. Good luck, I really feel for you, but what I know for sure is...one day all our kids will stop doing gym for one reason or another, sometimes we just don't get to choose.

Yes, I realize she has been through a LOT this year. I feel guilty about the move, beleive me! Yet, soon after we arrived here and she started this gym, she was saying things like, " I am so thankful to have gym, it's saving my life right now!" i.e.-it was the one thing that provided her w/ some predictability-same skills & drills as at home, same goals. It really did help her thru her transition. I have a 15 yr old dd also (not a gymnast), and she is just so even- tempered-she sailed thru puberty with nary a frown or bad mood. DD# 2 is certainly making up for all that her older sis did not put us thru, I swear! Much more moody and sensitive. Ok, I may have to do the gym-break thing. Not a bad idea. A little scary, thinking she may go backward in skills and then REALLY not want to go back, but I guess what will be, will be! I was hoping this move would not 'break' her gym involvement, I will always wonder if we had stayed in CA, if she would have kept up w/ it. But I do beleive in God's will in our life & all that, so if quitting is in the 'plan', then I trust that it's for good reason. I just really don't know how hard to push back w/this very stubborn child, and for how long. Thanks again.

[msl529]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gym mum UK This is so difficult and I sympathize fully with you. A few months ago my 11 year old daughter wanted to give up gym completely. I persuaded her to think about it and keep it going whilst she made up her mind. My reasons were that I thought it was just a temporary blip and, although she is not top gymnast material, I thought the sport was good for her and is actually about the only thing in her life which really challenges her. She is now really happy that she stayed on and does not want to give up at all. The problem with many of the beam moves is that they grow in spurts and their centre of gravity changes quite quickly which causes many of them to lose confidence on the beam with moves which they "had" perfectly well before the growth spurt. Is she aware of this? It might help with some of the frustration with the beam if she realized that many girls go through this and that it takes some adjustment time. The problem with the girls in her group is that girls are often more "psychological" in their tactics, boys more physical and much easier to see and solve (usually involves a bit of a scrap and is over in a couple of minutes). Whereas girls take much longer to bond in groups and also can view newcomers as a bit of a threat. Anyway, good luck to both of you, I think you will know what is best in the long term. Let us know what happens ...

Thanks, I will mention the growth thing/center of gravity change to her, that helps. She is definitely growing FAST. She's always been tall for her age (now 5'2") and consequently her growth spurts are always quite alarming. To stay in the 90th percentile for height for her age, she always grows by the yard! Incidentally, she just grew ONE INCH in the past two months. So I KNOW she is changing rapidly! Thanks for the advice!

[bogwoppit]

A very old and potentially useful saying i, "softly, softly catches monkey". meaning that you have to use all the knowledge you have of your lovely stubborn one to help her find her way, even if you are manipulating behind the scenes. That would be the way to stay in gym, happily and by her choice. Parenting is 50% distraction you know! The other 50% is all the nagging stuff.

You have won the first battle, that is she actually talks to you. My stubborn 9 year old clams up like a clam when I ask her about stuff.

We are all thinking of you and her, we will all need your advice one day as you will not be the last of us to go through this. You know her best of all and are doing a great job trying to "do the right thing".

Good luck.

[msl529]

Quote:
Originally Posted by bogwoppit A very old and potentially useful saying i, "softly, softly catches monkey". meaning that you have to use all the knowledge you have of your lovely stubborn one to help her find her way, even if you are manipulating behind the scenes. That would be the way to stay in gym, happily and by her choice. Parenting is 50% distraction you know! The other 50% is all the nagging stuff. You have won the first battle, that is she actually talks to you. My stubborn 9 year old clams up like a clam when I ask her about stuff. We are all thinking of you and her, we will all need your advice one day as you will not be the last of us to go through this. You know her best of all and are doing a great job trying to "do the right thing". Good luck.

Oh, that's so nice. Thanks so much! So glad to have this place to chat, non-gym parent-friends are way too bored to hear and support me in this stuff! I wouldn't put them thru it! Thanks!

[Gym mum UK]

Quote:
Thanks, I will mention the growth thing/center of gravity change to her, that helps. She is definitely growing FAST. She's always been tall for her age (now 5'2") and consequently her growth spurts are always quite alarming. To stay in the 90th percentile for height for her age, she always grows by the yard! Incidentally, she just grew ONE INCH in the past two months. So I KNOW she is changing rapidly! Thanks for the advice!

I know a few girls aged 13-14 who lost their BHS on beam. It does come back again but takes a few months. The centre of gravity thing does seem to affect the beam more than any other pieces of apparatus.