Verbally & physically abusive coach?

[celestinejean]

Hi there,

I'm new to this board and am not sure if I have a real problem on my hands or this is typical of a competitive coach.

My daughter is 7 yrs old and she came away from her coach crying saying the coach hurt her by poking her really hard in the stomach and butt to try to make her tighten her muscles. She now has slight bruising where the coach poked. Previous to this she has complained about her coach hurting her while pushing down too hard for splits and stretches, but I just discounted it. She has this coach once a week and the other days she has another. She said no onther coach has ever hurt her before. Another girl on her team came up to me right after the incident and said that the coach had hurt her before as well, and actually used her foot to poke her. A few other parents told me of similar things happening to their daughters.

She yells and is very demeaning on the girls. Many have quit because of it. Although many parents are aware of this, and I know there have been several complaints, the club seems to take no action. There seems to be an aura of fear about speaking out now. Some people just don't complain for fear I guess of being ostrasized. Some justify it by being of the mind that while the coach is over the top and crosses the line she is just "old school."

The coach came to see where my daughter was and when I told her she was crying because of the pokes, she got very angry and told me among other things that she was lazy with her stomach and legs and if she doesn't tighten up the way she holds her back she will get scoliosis. She went on like a crazy women. She was saying or ranting that her and my daughter maybe shouldn't work together because they don't see eye to eye (my daughter is 7....she is in her late 40s or 50s) I was so angry I was speechless. I had to leave before I blew up.

Personally I am beginning to think she may be a little sadistic. Any thoughts on this? I'm not sure where to go with this. Obviously the complaints the club has prevously had about her have had no effect.

[Monkeygirlsmom]

I would be pulling my girls out soo fast!! they do need direction and a little poke here or there but not one that hurts!!
I think this is something no child no matter what age should get but esp at the young age of 7! my oldest is 7 as well and she would have stopped loving the sport if this was her!! I do think a little "Push"

[mariposamama]

i definitely think that is crossing the line. i would be demanding that the gym owners do something and if something wasn't done, looking for another gym. there is no need for that kind of behavior. the parents at that gym need to band together and demand either change, or for that coach to leave.

what you describe is what i fear big time. my DD is 5 1/2 and will be moving to team in march. i won't be able to stay the whole time and it freaks me out that something like you described might happen. i do feel a bit better in that i found out that one of her current coaches is the main level 4 coach and i love that coach, as does my DD. there is a new coach that some seem to love and some not. i think he coaches other levels, but i have heard he yells a lot. ugh. i have talked to my DD about team and that she can always tell me if she is having issues with a coach or anything.

hugs to you and your daughter.

[midwestgymmom]

I think that it is def abuse. a poke to tell someone where to tighten should not cause a bruise- think about the amount of pressure to cause a bruise. My dd is very thin and it still would take quite the hard poke to leave a mark or bruise. As for the verbal there is also a difference between yelling in a busy noisy gym and yelling at someone directly in front of them with anger. If the gym wont do anything maybe the USAG should. I think you should check into other gyms

[bogwoppit]

In the end you really have three choices, each of which will change the way your DD deals with future bullies and abuse.

1. Ignore the abuse, tell your DD to suck it up and get used to the abuse.

2. Complain to the club, encouraging some other parents to write/phone or email their complaints in at the same time. Being clear, itemizing the issues and telling the club what you expect. Ideally that this coach is not going to be dealing with your little one. Ultimately that this coach be no longer employed.

3. Leave, and leave quickly. A club that ignores this kind of abuse clearly has the interest of it's staff before the well being of it's gymnasts. Let your money do the talking, and your feet do the walking. If others have left, more will follow.

As parents it is our job to protect our little ones, and big ones, from abuse. You know that the situation is wrong, I can tell it makes you feel sick. That is called intuition, as my friend says (proffessor of Physycology at a major uni specialising in bullying), it is there for a good reason, use your intuition as a tool of protection.

I know this is very hard, but you have to advocate for your little one , she is asking you to help. Better be ostracised than abused.

Good luck, these things are never easy.

[flippymonkeysmom]

We moved a few years back, and while checking out a few gyms in our new area we tried one with coaches like that. Thankfully since we were trying the gym I stayed to watch the whole practice. They didn't actually do anything to my dd, but I saw how they treated some of the other girls and knew eventually it would be mine. Needless to say we did not pick that gym!! All that kind of coaching does is take little girls who love gymnastics more than anything in the world and make them hate it. I would get her out of there asap, imho.

[Geoffrey Taucer]

Mirrored this topic in the coaches section, so you can get their thoughts as well:

http://www.chalkbucket.com/forums/sh...ad.php?p=15181

[gym law mom]

We have been in the situation of the verbal abuse and believe me just because my gymie was 11 and moving to optionals didn't justify it or make it right. She got to the point where the thought of going into the gym made her physically sick. We got her out of there and she is happy in a new gym where there is no verbal belittling/demeaning. Some parents think the only successful coaches are the screamers----that this is what is needed to motivate their child and make them winners. Usually kids in this situation feel trapped and helpless and eventually just give up.

What I find interesting is, if you were seen treating your dd like this coach did in public, someone would probably call the police or social services. So, what makes it ok for it to be done by a coach? This lady's behavior is abusive and I'm sure your dd won't be the 1st or the last to incur her wrath. Doesn't sound like the gym cares, so you could try meeting with the owners, but I'll bet they've heard complaints about this lady before and they let her continue on.

I would run(not walk) to the nearest door and get out of that gym. Don't worry if your dd has to miss a month or so until you find a gym that is much more suitable. Let me tell you psychological damage can be done very quickly to kids by those in positions of authority and I would much rather have her miss a little gym time, than have to take more punishment.

[Ingymmom]

I agree with the previous posters - I would run, not walk out of this situation! I was at first not as concerned about the poke, & stretches for splits pretty much come with the gymnast territory. But the way that she handled the situation with your dd AFTER you spoke to the coach is a TELL ALL. If she is that horrible to your child with you there, I can only imagine how she will treat your dd in class now (let alone how she treated her before). A child of any age should not be subjected to this by anyone. I would think it can be especially damaging to a gymnast because they spend so much time every week with their coaches. Good luck and my thoughts are with you as I am sure this is a very difficult situation to deal with.

[Rainee100]

I've had kids at a couple of different gyms and there is a level of negative "breaking down" that exists. I've also encountered this with many of the sports coaches. When you're in a competitive sport, you will find many styles of motivating, but when confronted with a similar situation at our gym, we decided to talk directly to the coach before pulling our daughter out. We basically informed her that any form of physical or verbal abuse, including pinching, poking, pushing off the beam, smacking, etc., would not be tolerated and we would pull her from the program and take legal action if it went on. She, surprisingly wasn't defensive at all, and responded with " I'd never want to do anything that would hurt her, blah, blah, blah," and it's been a couple of months and our daughter once again loves gymnastics and hasn't reported an incident since. Our gym is one of the most respected in the area and it would be tough to switch.
Please encourage your daughters to be honest and tell them they will not get in trouble for it because they can become very intimidated and be afraid to tell you about all that goes on. Most coaches genuinely care about the success and progress of their teams, but some are young, not parents, and inexperienced in child psychology and don't realize the damage they could be doing to your child's self esteem. From the other perspective, gymnastics is not for everyone and some children have a hard time with the constant criticism that comes with the territory. Just wanted to let you know that your not alone.