WAG S/O Mean coaches

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wgymmom

Proud Parent
What would you think of a HC telling an 11 year old that she's a disappointment?

She just competed L4 and is working L5 skills plus giants on the strap bar. She apparently wasn't making the nice hollow shape.
 
I was one of the people who posted on the other thread that having a mean coach made me tougher. But yeah maybe my mean coach just taught me to tolerate abuse. When I was 11 years old, if my coach told me I was a disappointment (which she did and many other things that were really mean and what I see now as probably verbally abusive) I wouldn't have thought that it was abuse. I just knew I had to work harder for her to not say that to me.

I posted about this on another thread a while ago but at one fairly large meet I won 3 events and all around. I was so excited because one of those events was an event that I was not too great on. I wasn't even looking for a congratulations from my coach or anything, but in front of the whole team she tells me "You only won because everyone else in your age group sucked." Another time our team got 2nd place at a meet by x amount. I was the high scorer on one event and that day I didn't have a good meet so my score was lower by x amount or more than usual. Then my coach announces to the entire team that it was all my fault that we didn't win the meet and then the whole team agrees with her. And I just nodded and took things like that from the coach!

Please instill in your daughter that coaches saying things like that to her are not okay. I never told my mom about the things my coach said to me so she really had no idea.
 
I know that coaches sometimes say things they shouldn't say, and I'm not saying this to defend the coach. But, did you hear this comment with your own ears? Sometimes coaches say things that are mis-heard or misinterpreted by our kids.
 
What would you think of a HC telling an 11 year old that she's a disappointment?

She just competed L4 and is working L5 skills plus giants on the strap bar. She apparently wasn't making the nice hollow shape.

Not good, and that's the sort of thing that goes in on some of the gyms around here. There is no pleasing some of the gym owners no matter what the child does.

I don't think everything has to be sunshine and roses, but in my book it would be appropriate to criticize the skill or form and show the child how to fix it. When it becomes a negative comment about the child being stupid, lazy, will never be good, etc., that is just not ok. And some of these children are very young...
 
Not good, and that's the sort of thing that goes in on some of the gyms around here. There is no pleasing some of the gym owners no matter what the child does.

I don't think everything has to be sunshine and roses, but in my book it would be appropriate to criticize the skill or form and show the child how to fix it. When it becomes a negative comment about the child being stupid, lazy, will never be good, etc., that is just not ok. And some of these children are very young...

That's kind of what I was trying to get at...perhaps (I hope) the coach was criticizing the skill but not the child. Sometimes the kid misinterprets that.
 
Unless the HC owns the gym...
In our case, it is a YMCA program, so HC doesn't own the gym.
We do have a "back up" plan though ... longer drive, but there is a private club that offers scholarships for team for girls that can't afford it otherwise.

Coming from my background, I don't tolerate emotional abuse. When we did have the mean coach at our gym, I was there keeping an eye on my gymmies. The first time she crossed the line, I talked to HC and OG never worked with her again. By the time she was fired (there was evidence... shhh, the gymnast recorded the conversation so she wouldn't forget any of the corrections offered, but instead got the "too disgusted to talk" on her phone), more than half the team was on the "not working with this coach" list. Found out later that no one had specific proof that she was being MEAN... it could all be interpreted as being TOUGH until that point.
 
If the coach really said that…not okay.

But sometimes kids (and adults) mishear or misinterpret. A coach might say something like, "I'm disappointed with your work ethic today." The kid hears, "You're a disappointment." That's a big difference. I can love, support, and cherish the children I work with, but be disappointed with their work ethic one day or how they are rushing through conditioning another.
 
You don't criticize the kid.

I mean criticizing the "person" of a preteen girl. Ya I like my job. I might not tell them I'm not happy with their performance or effort but not that THEY were a disappointment/failure.

If they were older and a much higher level, say collegiate/elite, sometimes you do have to be frank with them but they aren't as fragile at that age hopefully (since they are a young adult/adult).
 
Telling an 11 year old you're disappointed in them is totally wrong. Who does this coach think the child is going to try to please with hard work and commitment. How is this kid going to learn how to respect people when the people she *should* be able to respect don't deserve it.

I get that some coaches want to motivate their gymnasts, and recognize that some kids leave us feeling like something's been missed for the coach and the child. The thing to do is to chat it up with the kid from the standpoint of "If it feels this way for me, it's probably even harder for you..... so how can we fix that." In that instant you create a partner who'll bust their butt for you..... and that's never going to disappoint anyone.

Sure you can be disappointed in the circumstances, but not the child, as long as you care enough to work with the child to remedy something she'd love to fix.
 
While of course I don't condone the coaches behaviour. Remember coaches are not perfect, we sometimes make mistakes and we sometimes say the wrong thing just like any human. What this coach said was not well thought through.

But look at it in context with all his/her behaviour. Was this a one off or is this sort of thing said all the time?
 
My daughter is rather sensitive to making people (coach, mom, dad) proud. So much so that nobody but my mom and I are "allowed" to come to her meets. Two years' worth, and dad still isn't allowed to go. He's not a strict or mean dad, she just doesn't want to disappoint him. (she's also a perfectionist, which we are working on, and this past season of no 1st AA's is actually helping).

If HC told my daughter that, I'm here to tell you that it would take the parting of the red sea to get her back in there. I just shuddered, picturing what the following practice day would look like. Tears, hyperventilating, freaking out, and I'm sure she'd be throwing up. I would try for a few practices, then finally she'd quit. She wouldn't want me to bring it to light at the gym, because she wouldn't want anyone in trouble. She would believe that she IS indeed a disappointment.

And that, folks, is NOT all right.
 
My oldest dds old coach has told Many times that she is a disappointment too him and once even said she was a disappointment to the gym, which even though she was 15 at the time still made her think it was true( she is very quite and shy and has a hard time expressing her feelings). I think this is totally wrong to tell kids. Most little girls believe what their coaches tell them because they look up to them ,so telling them they are a disappointment is it going to make them believe they are.
 
But sometimes kids (and adults) mishear or misinterpret. A coach might say something like, "I'm disappointed with your work ethic today." The kid hears, "You're a disappointment." That's a big difference. I can love, support, and cherish the children I work with, but be disappointed with their work ethic one day or how they are rushing through conditioning another.[/QUOTE]
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yep, or "I have asked you several times to only work giants in a hollow shape and every time I turn around you are arching over the top, that is so disappointing" or "I am so disappointed in you". Happens, and now your child has told you one version and is gong to stick to it. So.... you might want to ask the coach and see what he/she says first.
 
I actually did not hear it with my own ears and acknowledge that it could have been more "I'm disappointed with how you are working this skill."
 
Are they native English speakers? Because I have learned over time that if they are not, sometimes things come out that make you think "OMG WTH?!" but it is not the intention- things get lost in translation, ykwim?
 
I actually did not hear it with my own ears and acknowledge that it could have been more "I'm disappointed with how you are working this skill."


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Well that is a huge difference..... I have zero problem with a coach telling a gymnast that they are disappointed with a performance, or that what they just did was unacceptable.
 
Are they native English speakers? Because I have learned over time that if they are not, sometimes things come out that make you think "OMG WTH?!" but it is not the intention- things get lost in translation, ykwim?

No, not a native English speaker.

I would also be fine if it was just HC was disappointed in her performance. BIG difference. So I'm not saying anything right now.
 

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