Parents coaches who yell

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miltongrl66

How common is this? As a parent, when would you personally draw the line? When does "being tough" cross the line and become "being abusive?"
 
Depends on what they are yelling about. I have no problem with a coach who is yelling about safety issues. For me, generally, content matters more than volume.

Yelling about safety issues is understandable. Thats not what I'm refering to. I think alll parents can understand when a coach yells in order to prevent someone for getting hurt. I'm refering to yelling when a child doesn't apply the corrections given by the coach or when the child is having problems getting a new skill. I have no problem with a coach who uses a stern voice. But if the coach is yelling so much that the children are nervous around him I think that could create a safety issue. Also, not all children respond well to being yelled at. Some can simply shake it off, but others can't. I know that Gymnastics is a very tough and demanding sport and that a child can get seriously injured if she is not focused. I also know it is physically demanding and requires a lot of discipline. But, in my opinion it should still be fun.
 
Again, content matters more than volume to me. Quietly telling a gymnast that s/he is lazy, disgusting, worthless, or not as good as Suzie/Stan who is two whole levels below her/him is worse than yelling something along the lines of "THIS IS THE THIRD TIME I'VE GIVEN YOU THAT CORRECTION! PLEASE DO IT RIGHT!" I have seen and heard about both.

Tell us specifically what the situation is that is bothering you, and we will cheerfully tell you what we think of it.
 
Again, content matters more than volume to me. Quietly telling a gymnast that s/he is lazy, disgusting, worthless, or not as good as Suzie/Stan who is two whole levels below her/him is worse than yelling something along the lines of "THIS IS THE THIRD TIME I'VE GIVEN YOU THAT CORRECTION! PLEASE DO IT RIGHT!" I have seen and heard about both.
Or after a gymnast does her floor routine and goes to you ASKING for suggestions/ corrections... saying you are "to disgusted to talk about it right now" ... not good when she is one of only a few Optionals that is still willing to work with you due to your attitude / "coaching style".
 
Thank you for your responses Profmom. I respect your opinion and I understand what you are saying. I'm not asking for advice on a personal situation. I'm simply trying to see how parents feel about the issues I raised in my OP.
 
Sorry I misunderstood, MG.

I think it's still fun for my soon-to-be L8 daughter and L6 son, but "fun" looks different than it did when they were just starting out. A "fun" workout for them involves lots of corrections and lots of work on new skills that they can't do competently yet (except for beam for DD which is only "fun" if they are doing beam strength or floor drills for LOSOs right now, LOL). DS is a perfectionist, so he is less happy if no one is yelling at him to do more and better. The touchstone, though, is encouragement and occasional praise/recognition of progress on tough skills. Yelling and toughness are great if they are positive. It's when the "you aren't doing it right" begins to shade over into "you ARE your failures with these particular skills" that it gets problematic for me.
 
I am agreeing with Profmom....some people just yell as matter of course. They are just loud. And gyms are loud. But abusive is different and can be quiet, yelling, or nonverbal.

Fun is the key. As long as the communication is positive, and my child is doing well, focused, and happy, then volume doesn't matter. But if a coach was yelling negatively or demeaning, we would have to look at alternatives.
 
Criticizing the kid themselves and not their work/corrections, etc wouldn't fly well with me - but I do believe that as the kids move up and grow up they need to know that they can deal with corrections even if they are not always said in a cute/cuddly way. DSs had a coach who was strict with corrections but also kind as can be (actually calling boys out on laziness, etc...but never said a word when he had to lift the just turned 6 year old for rings after a long meet, and a bathroom incident)...they thrived with him.

DDs old coach was very touchy feely....worked great with the little ones but a dose of reality is important as they get higher up. DD once saw a very reputable elite coach doing vault drills with his team (at a practice at an out of state meet) and was "horrified" that he "yelled" at them...although he also gave them all hugs and they were all laughing...she worked with the same coach at a camp this weekend and had to admit that he was nice and funny and helpful....yelled things like "squeeze your butt cheeks little monkey" to her on vault drills....and moved her brother up 2 vault groups when he noticed he could Tsuk....the "yeller" may actually be the one that is more invested in the kids progression...and life isn't all rainbows and butterflies....but again, it has to be within the context of gymnastics corrections, not personal affronts...and the boys called out for laziness are goof offs and they know it!;)
 
In my experience with other sports, lots of coaches yell. I live in the south and football is very popular here (some southerners would say it's the ONLY sport, ha ha!!) and kids start playing at a very young age. I've seen coaches yell at pee wee players like they are grown men! Baseball coaches where I live are also very tough on even the youngest of kids. It doesn't always look to me like the kids are having fun. My DS has played t-ball and baseball, but I have never let him play football because I've seen too many coaches cross the line from sternness to abusiveness. We are new to the sport of competitive gymnastics so I really appreciate all the insight of seasoned parents.
 
I have been in several gyms or meet and you hear the coach yell. In our gym the coaches generally don't yell. But have yelled if its a safety issue. I was really shocked to hear one of our coaches yell because she never yells ever and then I realized why she did which was totally fine..

My daughter's coach yells - sure. Its only been once or twice to my daughter and I never felt it was abusive. If my daughter was coming home crying (and she is not a crier at the gym) then I would know something went over board.

I prefer the balanced approach but sometimes depending on the circumstance and gymnast that just doesn't work. I also think that one of our coaches are just loud to start with and if she was to raise her voice it could be taken as yelling.
I trust that her coach will use her judgement as to what approach is appropriate and I support that. My daughter is old enough to know right from wrong and if she feels its wrong she will come to me. Sometimes my daughter or others require that tough love attitude and I am totally fine with that. As long as we are not being disrespectful.
 
Gyms are noisy environments. Content matters more than volume. We have a coach whom I'm sure is incapable of soaking at a normal conversational tone. But as long as her words are reasonable, her volume is a non-issue.
 
It's about the content but also the tone, the context, and the relationship that has been established between the coach and the athlete. If my daughter's old coach said to her "you look like a wet noodle," it was an insult. The same comment from her current coach would lead to giggles and an effort to stay tighter.
 
This is a hot button issue for me. I agree that it's content over volume, for the most part. Some pretty nasty things can, and usually are, said very quietly so as not to be heard by others.
 
Hushed tones are often used to hit kids in their emotional bulls eye. At least the coaches who yell are easy to monitor and work with.

Yes, most of them yell out of necessity to be heard or to convey a sense of urgency to a situation. Some kids you can use logic with and some kids won't change a thing no matter what you say.... until you give them the sense/impression by yelling when all other measures and communication methods are exhausted.

When it gets to that point there are few choices left. One is to let the kid fail and feel like a failure. The other is to let them feel like a failure and then help them work through that to a successful result they can enjoy for a very long time.

Not really my style, but it's still in my bag of tricks..... if you know what I mean.
 
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I think it is as others have said, it depends on the situation and personality of the coach. Since you asked a general question, I will use an example outside of gymnastics.

My sons and nephews play football. My sons have a coach that yells ALL the time. There was a scrimmage game that the JV team was doing horrible. They eventually allowed a touch down. This coach was so upset and mad, he threw his clip board in the air, papers flying everywhere, and screamed (not yelled, SCREAMED) as he charged out into the field, "You all are a bunch of freakin' Nancy's!!!" Because we all know him and his personality, all the parents in the stands literally burst out laughing. Now if this was your only experience with the man, you might not get it. But he was always full throttle in his praise and emotions. He yells, because he really loves the boys and wants them to do their best. He yells the good and the bad. Another time, when someone finally got a block that they had been missing, I watched him run onto the field and dance a circle around kid. This was in the middle of a game!

My nephew had a coach who was a yeller. His yelling was degrading, hurtful, always personal and always negative. I think when it gets to this point, is when parents need to step in. This particular man had no business coaching kids, even kids on the verge of adulthood.

Too me, I try to put myself in the situation. I try to truly and honestly ask myself if I would put up with this type of coaching if it were directed at me. If I wouldn't put up with it as an adult, then a child shouldn't have to deal with it. For a parent that wasn't into sports as a child, I would watch other parents reactions to the coaching or ask them if they think it is normal. There is always yelling to some degree from coaches to kids in all sports, just as there is always some degree of yelling in parenting.
 
I don't think it is just about the "content" of the yelling. Yelling at kids is generally counterproductive to learning -- whether it is a parent, teacher or coach who is doing the yelling.

We left a gym with a head coach who yelled a lot and belittled quietly in between. Often the two go hand-in-hand. We moved to one of the best gyms in the state. Guess what? I have not heard a coach yell yet. Nor has my child been quietly thrashed verbally in the three years since we moved.
 
For me, it's content over volume too. For some reason, I don't have a problem with yellers; DD got yelled at even in a rec class, but the coach was always high volume. It came awfully close to that line when HC called her " a disappointment," but I didn't say anything. DD gets frustrated when the coach yells at her, but we figure it's kinda par for the course. Maybe I'm too laid back about it?
 
There is a world of difference between talking loud, which I do, and yelling, which I never do (except obviously safety, and when they put chalk instead of creamer in my coffee!) ;) Yelling is for when coaches run out of constructive corrections and ideas. Yes, I'm strict and disciplined, but also concerned and caring, there needs to be ying and yang. It's a difficult and dangerous sport, so it has to be that way, but I don't ever see a time or place for yelling at a child. Wonder how the coach would feel if the child yelled at them?? ;)
 

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