Parents I Don't Understand My Child

[Becauseisaid]

Really. I don't. She's a lovely child. Almost 10 years old. Very bright. Destined to make me lose my hair and gain wrinkles or an ulcer.

She's had a fear / mental block about jumping to the high bar for about 8 months. Came out of nowhere. One day she was squatting on and standing on the bar with no fear (or wobbles) and the next, she froze when asked to jump to the high bar.

Fast forward to this summer. DD knows she has to jump to the high bar if she wants to be L4 next year. And she REALLY wants to be L4. So I have her write down every little step for making the jump, a plan to do it (huge squishy mat under bar to start with, eyes on high bar only, count to 3, go), and consequences if she doesn't go. Seemed to work. By the end of 1 private, she was making the jump with no problem. Continued to make the jump at that gym for the next month but at this gym only. (Gym has 2 locations and the girls practice at both.) Put her at the other location and the fear would rear it's ugly head again.

1 month later and she gets over her fear of jumping at the 2nd location only to have the fear crop up the VERY NEXT DAY at the 1st location. Again!

I get that she probably is learning to work through her fear rather than the fear just going away. But it kills me that she works through it and seems (I know) to be getting more comfortable just to be blindsided again. I can't help her. Makes me crazy. I think I need to start drinking when I decide to watch a practice.

 

[htimcj]

How frustrating!

 

[Rainn14322]

When my daughter struggles with certain things when she goes to bed at night, in a relaxed environment, I have her close her eyes and have her imagine herself doing her routine. Sometimes she falls or messes up and sometimes not. When she messes up I asked her what happened and how she can fix it. We talk about it then I have her close her eyes and do it again. No more than 2x a night I don't want to stress her out but you wouldn't believe how much that can help. Especially during meet season I think it helps them recognize what they think is going on and allows them to see it and address it.

 

[bogwoppit]

My advice is do not watch,

That squat on is a brutally hard skill that looks so easy,

If they can get past it they can go far.

But if you get wrapped up in their fear you can kill it,

 

[mimi]

As difficult as it is, try very hard not to talk about it with her. She needs to feel like at home, the pressure is completely off. Let her know in a general way, that if she is ever frustrated about something and she feels like she needs to talk that you are there for her. But don't bring it up and try to keep it light if she brings it up. Tell her that no matter what you will always think she is amazing and to give herself a break. Oh, and try not to watch practice if at all possible. It only makes it harder on her (and you). Good luck! I know many of us on CB can feel your pain.

 

[Ex member]

I watched my youngest dd on bars for the first time in a while (I am always around the gym but try not to watch, I usually talk to other parents instead), I say my dd hang around the chalk box at gym for ages while letting other girls go in front of her time and time again while she missed her go, I must admit I was really frustrated that dd behaved that way as it looked like she was trying to avoid a skill she was finding hard (a straddle undershoot - they have just started learning to do the swinging off the bars bit after weeks of drills leading up to that part). I found out my dd was just tired as we had been out all day in the sun before going to practice in the evening.

I can certainly understand your frustration and like you I like to watch from time to time but when I do I usually regret in as I see something that I don't like. When I don't watch dd always says after practice "did you see me do xyz skill" and I had to say no sorry didn't watch you, I feel guilty as I always seem to miss the good stuff and catch the bad stuff.

Next week dd will switch to day time training and I will not be staying at the gym, I will be dropping and running and I will try and catch the last half hour or so of practice when I pick her up.

 

[Ex member]

Edit.. Sorry double post.

 

[Jenny]

I can certainly understand your frustration and like you I like to watch from time to time but when I do I usually regret in as I see something that I don't like. When I don't watch dd always says after practice "did you see me do xyz skill" and I had to say no sorry didn't watch you, I feel guilty as I always seem to miss the good stuff and catch the bad .

QUOTE]

I think this is the Murphy's law of gymnastics watching! I used to do exactly the same thing only to have dd and her coach come out beaming because she had achieved something new, that I had missed. I haven't watched in a long time now. Her coach will tell me if I need to talk to her about anything and she comes and gets me to watch anything new. I love seeing her do stuff I didn't even know she was working on.

 

[Deleted member 14190]

The more you know and "share" the fear issue with her ,,,the more anxiety biuilds. In otherwords.... What bog said.

 

[MaryA]

Welcome to gymnastics. My daughter has had her giants on the pit bar for well over a year now but has never done them on the "regular" bars. It makes no sense and is frustrating as heck to all those involved... gymnast, parents, coaches. Don't bring it up. If DD brings it up, you could ask her if she wants a couple of privates to work on it (if that's an option) but otherwise just tell her that you know she'll get it. As parents, we want to fix things and it's so hard to have to let it go and realize that there are some things we just can't fix for them. I, for one, plan on ordering Doc Ali's new fear workbook the day it comes out and will leave it in her room. At least that will make me feel like I've done SOMETHING!

 

[Becauseisaid]

The more you know and "share" the fear issue with her ,,,the more anxiety biuilds. In otherwords.... What bog said.

Nope. No sharing with gymmie. When Coach mentioned it to DD in front of me, I merely reminded her that writing down the steps worked the last time.

I'm not frustrated that the fear came back....just that I can't fix it for her. She'll overcome it - or she won't. Either way it has to be her fight. All I can do is be Mom who loves her regardless....and possibly pops antacid tablets like candy during practice.

 

[Deleted member 14190]

We

Nope. No sharing with gymmie. When Coach mentioned it to DD in front of me, I merely reminded her that writing down the steps worked the last time.

I'm not frustrated that the fear came back....just that I can't fix it for her. She'll overcome it - or she won't. Either way it has to be her fight. All I can do is be Mom who loves her regardless....and possibly pops antacid tablets like candy during practice.

Your op says otherwise. You set up goals steps and in your own words consequences.... So you are not only sharing but are involved. We are trying to tell you that in our experience this makes fear issues worse.

 

[Natasha]

If and when she brings it up, a nonchalant "I know you'll get it back when you are ready, I'm not worried about it, its all just part of the journey." will do much more than trying to help her solve the problem. She needs to know that YOU aren't worried about it AND that you aren't worried about what level she competes because chances are she is really feeling the pressure to get this skill to move up.
If she stays in the sport there will be more fears/blocks/obstacles/getting and losing skills….its just part of it.

 

[Ariekannairb]

We



Your op says otherwise. You set up goals steps and in your own words consequences.... So you are not only sharing but are involved. We are trying to tell you that in our experience this makes fear issues worse.

I might have read it wrong, but I think she meant they talked about the consequences of not getting the skill/missing it.

 

[Ariekannairb]

OP: I understand. My DD has a similar block with the handstand on the beam. It is odd to me since she does a beautiful dismount, but something about that handstand on the end scares her. But you are right. They will either get it or they won't. I think the hard part for me is dealing with the reality that she might work really hard. REALLY hard, but still never get it. I want to be able to reward her hard work with her getting the skill, but it just doesn't always work out that way.

 

[Deleted member 14190]

Also , removing yourself from workouts will absolutely help.... I mean that in the kindest way.

Ariel, Op clearly says consequences if she does not go.

 

[Ariekannairb]

Also , removing yourself from workouts will absolutely help.... I mean that in the kindest way.

Ariel, Op clearly says consequences if she does not go.

I see what she said, but I still think she might have meant what the natural consequences of not getting it are. ie, if I don't jump to the high bar I don't get to go to level 4

Like I said though, I might be reading it wrong. OP will have to clear that one up

 

[Deleted member 14190]

Putting any consequences on a fear issue only makes it worse. This is not a case of fearing a skill, this is anxiety at this point. The best way to work through this is to give the child space. This skill should not be an issue, the issue is the issue ....

 

[Becauseisaid]

Your op says otherwise. You set up goals steps and in your own words consequences.... So you are not only sharing but are involved. We are trying to tell you that in our experience this makes fear issues worse.

Ah. I see the confusion.

I became sort-of involved a month ago when my DD asked me to help her think of a way to get over her fear. So I started asking questions. I wanted DD thinking up ways to work through her fear rather than me telling her. Once it becomes a person's idea, they are much more likely to follow through. When DD started telling me each step to making the jump, I suggested that she write it all down. My thought being that writing down things tend to make them more concrete in our minds and I wanted DD to KNOW she knew how to do this skill.

I then asked her what she could do to help herself work through the fear. She made a list of things to do to help herself. Big squishy mat under high bar slowly being whittled down to no mat, eyes trained solely on high bar and nowhere else, count to 3 and go. Once she had that list, I then asked if there were consequences for not following through on her plan. She came up with V-ups as a consequence.

I've tried to stay non-involved in training. I'm not a coach. I just want to make sure she's still enjoying the sport. However, this was something she asked me for. It definitely falls under the realm of Parenting 101 as a life skill. But the goals, process, and consequences were put together by my DD - not myself.

Having said all that, I'm afraid I don't see the issue with having consequences along with goals. That's life. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. If I don't pay attention at work and take naps instead, I will be fired. Consequence. A person chooses whether the action is worth the consequence. Since children tend to live in the Now and not think about the big picture, my question to my DD about consequences meant that she had to think of a Now consequence rather than later dealing with the Big Picture consequence of not making L4 later.

I've thought over this (a lot) and I'm trying to see where having a minor consequence for no follow through will aggravate a fear. Can you share your thought process and experience on this?

 

[Becauseisaid]

I should clarify that I do make a distinction between a consequence handed out by an authority figure as punishment and a consequence thought up by a person as an incentive.