Parents Child obese, whiny, scared - How to handle the situation?

[coachkazoo]

Hi coaches, I am desperate. In my 4-5 year old class (45 min), I have a child who is very overweight,very clumsy, constantly injures herself, and hangs on to my leg pretty much the whole class. All she says is " I can't." All the other children have progressed amazingly, have fun, laugh and want to learn more.

This child is in tears pretty much the whole class. I tried the soft and gentle approach where a and we hug a lot, hold hands etc. That works but the other kids get NONE of me. I also tried to hard approach where I said I don't want to hear "I can't", just do your best. With this approach, she is on the verge of tears the entire class, or cries, whines, sits....doesnt want to do anything.

Honestly, I just want to tell the parents to take this poor child out. She does not belong in gymnastics. Perhaps ballet as she definitely lacks gross motor skills. If she stays, she will be turned off sports completely. And not only that, I can see her self esteem tumbling lower with each class.

But what do I say to the somewhat clueless parents who want to register again for the next session?

 

[Sasha]

That is a tough situation. Poor little girl. And very tough on you since you have the needs of other children to consider. It's likely her parents know she is overweight and has attachment issues, and that's why they're encouraging her to try an activity like gymnastics. The right supportive gym environment would probably do wonders for her, but the problem is your class might not be that right fit.

How long has she been in your class? Has she improved at all in that time in detaching from you and trying more on her own? Does she seem to feel good at any point in the class ever? Does she ever talk to or engage with the other children in or before/after class?

Is there another younger or less advanced class she could try?

Could a parent accompany her in the class (even if that's not usually permitted)?

Are private lessons with you or another coach an option for the parents/your gym (so that she could get the attention she needs)?

It sounds like this child has self-esteem and security issues and requires a high amount of compassionate, patient, high-touch, positive encouragement to succeed at what can only be her own, slower, pace. Knowing that, you might want to discuss with the HC/owner to determine if your class can accommodate a child with these needs before approaching the parents with their options.

 

[MILgymFAM]

I am left wondering why her weight has anything to do with it and needed to be in the title. I have a child who is very near clinically obese, and she is a lovely gymnast. Weight and gymnastics, especially at that age/level have very little to do with one other.

As far as her mental state, she is 4? Some kids are just shy and timid at that age. First time my ODD played soccer, at 4, her coach had to literally hold her hand on the field during games. I am so glad her coach was willing to do that for her, and she did grow out of it naturally as she aged. I am sure they know their child best, and maybe know she needs a long time to get comfortable. I would ask them if she seems happy after practice and if she is excited to come. I would explain to the girl you will help her as much as she needs, but you need to help the other kids too.

 

[Sasha]

I am left wondering why her weight has anything to do with it and needed to be in the title. I have a child who is very near clinically obese, and she is a lovely gymnast. Weight and gymnastics, especially at that age/level have very little to do with one other.

As far as her mental state, she is 4? Some kids are just shy and timid at that age. First time my ODD played soccer, at 4, her coach had to literally hold her hand on the field during games. I am so glad her coach was willing to do that for her, and she did grow out of it naturally as she aged. I am sure they know their child best, and maybe know she needs a long time to get comfortable. I would ask them if she seems happy after practice and if she is excited to come. I would explain to the girl you will help her as much as she needs, but you need to help the other kids too.

Yes! Thank you. I also agree that the weight shouldn't be a factor in discussing appropriateness for gymnastics. And let me clarify that my suggestion that this class might not be a fit ultimately was based on her higher needs and slower pace relative to the other students, not her weight (hope I didn't seem to imply otherwise). Whenever a child is progressing noticeably slower over a long time than the rest of the class (for any reason), the class might not be their best fit if there are better options.

If she hasn't been going all that long, then more patience and compassion may help her gradually be more independent. If it's been like this for 6 months, however, with no improvement whatsoever, then maybe it's time for something to change that will work better for her.

 

[gymdog]

She does not belong in gymnastics? Oh boy.

If there is a safety issue and you cannot safely supervise and coach her, then you can't have her in the class. However if she stays with the class and doesn't run around, and the parents are willing to pay, I think you should accept her.

How do you structure the class? How is the time broken up and what activities, skills, and progressions do you work on?

 

[raenndrops]

I am left wondering why her weight has anything to do with it and needed to be in the title. I have a child who is very near clinically obese, and she is a lovely gymnast. Weight and gymnastics, especially at that age/level have very little to do with one other.

As far as her mental state, she is 4? Some kids are just shy and timid at that age. First time my ODD played soccer, at 4, her coach had to literally hold her hand on the field during games. I am so glad her coach was willing to do that for her, and she did grow out of it naturally as she aged. I am sure they know their child best, and maybe know she needs a long time to get comfortable. I would ask them if she seems happy after practice and if she is excited to come. I would explain to the girl you will help her as much as she needs, but you need to help the other kids too.

I agree completely - with everything you said...
I WAS clinically obese as a child (to the extent that they hospitalized me at the age of 3 to try to figure out WHY! ... everything was normal... except that I was in the hospital for a week, actively doing stuff when not having tests run or sleeping, all "ins" and "outs" monitored - all seemed normal there too... but I gained 5 lbs that week). I also was really good at sports as a kid.

This child may have anxiety and low self-esteem already. OP needs to talk to the parents and the HC or GO to see if there is some other alternative... smaller class, lower level, mommy and me, etc.

Good luck.

 

[Faith]

She's 4. And obese. Gymnastics could be great for her, if you can find a way to engage.

What do you do in class? Are you dong skills? You could try a couple of classes of games, drills, shapes etc. Set up stations for, say a forward roll. Dish/arch for one, , downward dog pose, roll down a cheese wedge, and on the floor. Stuff that she can do. Praise, praise, praise when she does it.

Sticker charts, badges, certificates. Make it easy- I think our first badge here is stuff like jumping off a bench, showing a dish position, throwing a ball. make her feel she's achieving.

We have a teenage class and a while back a couple of obese brothers came in. Word's got round and now the class is mostly obese boys. But do you know what, they're getting off their computers, away from the sweets, and starting to get active. It's fun, so they come back every week. Some of them are getting good and their self esteem is rocketing.

 

[Faith]

OH and as to what to say to the parents- sign her up for more physical activity. Has she thought about dance too? And/or a swim class? They'll all work together to increase strength and flexibility Definitely not that they should take her out. They may figure she's not cut out for sport and the kid will live a life of inactivity, and get unhealthier.

 

[gymgal]

Honestly, I just want to tell the parents to take this poor child out. She does not belong in gymnastics. Perhaps ballet as she definitely lacks gross motor skills. If she stays, she will be turned off sports completely. And not only that, I can see her self esteem tumbling lower with each class.

But what do I say to the somewhat clueless parents who want to register again for the next session?

Sounds like gymnastics is EXACTLY where she belongs. She needs to move, gain balance and coordination, and improve her self-confidence. Sit down with the parents, explain the difficulties you are having with the confidence (wanting to hold your hand all the time, crying a lot). See if they have seen this in other areas - like preschool. And what have they done to move her beyond this. You may end up with some insight was to whether there are other issues here (medical, developmental) that can help you as well. If she is severely lacking motor skills, chances are there is something more going on.

Be compassionate. Give her lots of attention when you can but be firm that you have to work with others as well (enlist the parents' help - having them remind her this before class and praise her when she does well with it). Break down the skills/activities so that she can be successful, even if it means that she is not doing exactly what the others are doing. In time, with your praise and support, she will become more independent and successful. She may never catch up to her classmates but that's ok. She will still be learning.

 

[Aussie_coach]

I disagree with the notion that gymnastics is not for her. Gymnastics is for everyone, it can be practised on so many levels to allow every child to develop their coordination, strength, agility, flexibility and physical confidence.

If she struggles with weight, coordination and confidence then gymnastics is the perfect sport for her and it is a good thing she is doing it.

Not every child will progress at the same rate and in classes for this age in particular you need to be able to modify each exercise so that it works for the struggling child and the physically gifted child.

For each station, when you plan the class work on this. For example you might have a forward roll down a hill. You should have an easier option of say a lot roll down the hill and a more advanced option like a backward roll down the hill.

Cut out all the cuddling and hand holding. By doing this you are encouraging more clingy behaviour. You are also rewarding the whining behaviour, as the others who don't whine don't get this special treatment.

 

[mimi]

I take offense to a few parts of this post. First of all, the weight thing. Unnecessary and really not for you to make judgements about in my opinion.

Second, the uncoordinated part. Many kids are late bloomers when it comes to coordination. My younger dd was a pretty uncoordinated preschooler developed into a pretty amazing soccer player now at age 9. This child is too young to be written off like that.

Third, to say she does not "belong" in gymnastics is just plain wrong. Maybe competitive team gymnastics may not be in her future, but there is a place for everyone in rec gymnastics. It does great things to develop coordination, flexibility, and strength and she can certainly progress at her own pace in rec whatever little that may be.

If you have an issue with the child's behavior in class and she is monopolizing too much of your time, that is legit and I would speak to her parents about it, and you can problem solve together as to how to rectify the situation.

 

[poodlemomma]

There was a little girl in our old gym that was simply terrified of everything. She was exactly as you described above. Eventually the coach placed her in a class with younger kids AND asked to have her younger brother participate so that she felt more comfortable in the group. The gym gave a nice discount to have the younger brother in the class. She never stuck with gymnastics. But she did spend three years at the gym and by the end you never would have known she was any different than any of the other kids.

My oldest child had severe self-esteem and anxiety issues when he was small. He actually did better in an all girls class at gymnastics because he didn't feel as intimidated as when he was with boys running and pushing up and down the court or field in basketball or soccer. When we tried him on boys' teams, he shut down as you were describing above. Gymnastics wasn't for him either, but he got more self confidence and eventually merged back in playing with boys in other sports.

The point is that both children out grew these issues, because a place where they could feel safe and encouraged was found and they were permitted to mature in a group at their own pace. I hope you can find some kind of place for this poor scared little girl. Gymnastics would be a great place for her to learn to love and perhaps help with any other issues she may have

 

[cbifoja]

I'm curious why this is in the Parent Forum but addressed to coaches. However, going under the assumption that you want parental input.....

I wonder if you would feel the same way if the child was skinny? Do you maybe have a bias against overweight people? It's one of the few "acceptable" biases left in society and a very common one. Would you be as exasperated if the child was whiny and scared but weighed less?

I think you can use this situation to become a better coach. I know that every difficult teenager I've ever taught has made me look at how I manage my classroom and structure my time with them. I've grown as a teacher every year BECAUSE of difficult students.

Our gym has the tween version of your "problem child" (my words, not yours). She is a large girl. She isn't even a teenager yet but is at least 5'9". I won't take a stab at her weight but I guarantee she's shopping in the "plus" section. This child has been in tumbling for TWO years and still can't do a cartwheel. She can't even hit handstand to vertical....after two years.

But every week, she skips in, enthusiastic and ready to try again...just sure that THIS week will be the week that she gets her cartwheel. Her parents know she will never get that cartwheel. So does the coach. But the girl LOVES being at the gym so everyone just keeps plugging away because it's better than her giving her up. She's getting exercise, she's learning tenacity, and eventually, she will learn how to handle not reaching a goal she has set for herself.

 

[MILgymFAM]

But every week, she skips in, enthusiastic and ready to try again...just sure that THIS week will be the week that she gets her cartwheel. Her parents know she will never get that cartwheel. So does the coach. But the girl LOVES being at the gym so everyone just keeps plugging away because it's better than her giving her up. She's getting exercise, she's learning tenacity, and eventually, she will learn how to handle not reaching a goal she has set for herself.

I really, really, sincerely hope that she gets that cartwheel- it CAN still happen. It took my YDD 2.5 years to get her pullover- and really we are taking kick over- but the day she did it was glorious!

 

[billise]

I don't get the feeling that OP would consider her a "problem child" if she was skipping in excitedly, ready to give it her best shot. I got the feeling that OP realizes that the child's weight probably makes the "skill's" difficult for the child and that combined with the fact that the child doesn't want to be there has OP uncertain about how to proceed.

While OP MAY have a bias against overweight people (I don't know OP so I have no idea) I didn't read anything in the original post that indicated that. In my opinion.

 

[billise]

I think some are coming down a bit hard on OP. I believe gym COULD indeed be a great activity for this child but you can't overlook the fact that the child doesn't want to be there so it MAY not be the best choice for her. I think it all comes down to your personal philosophy in regard to this. All 3 of my children (all with very different personalities) began organized sports when they were 4 and I made it clear to all 3 of them that if they were going to whine about being there we would not continue. Not as a punishment but in order to find something they enjoy. Gymnastics stuck with my youngest from the beginning. With my older 2 it took a while but after trying basketball, soccer and track my son "found" football. My older DD "found" swimming after trying gymnastics, tumbling and tennis. Currently all 3 of my children are thriving in their respective sports, and in handling things the way I did I saved myself and several youth sports coaches a lot of frustration in dealing with a kid that didn't want to be there. Again, this is just my personal philosophy when it came to parenting my children. Of course I acknowledge that my way of doing things may not work for everyone.

 

[iwannacoach]

Treat her like any other kid and wait for her to grow into the role of a happy gymnast/student.

 

[Gymsanity]

Wow, could we put a hold on the PC and flames?? The OP, who is new here by the way, (this is a very 'warm' welcome to the forum for sure) used 10 adjectives. (I think that's what are called. Words that are used to describe other things. If not, sorry Ms. Keller my English teacher, I always told you I had trouble remembering all the parts of a sentence!) Out of the ten, seems like everyone was pretty hasty to jump on the one. I think that if people were to reread the post in the spirit that I believe it was written, they would find that word was not meant to have any more significance than any of the other 9. The bottom line appears to be that the OP has a child that is difficult for her to coach for a myriad of reasons. For the ones that posted helpful solutions, I'd say 'thanks', to the others I'd say 'relax' and give the OP the benefit of the doubt.

 

[Midwestmommy]

really? A rec class for kids, what, 2 years out of diapers? Good for her and her parents for enrollung her. By all means have her reregister, with a different teacher/coach who gets it.

 

[Kiwi]

It is hard to say without knowing what your specific class is like and who it is aimed at, but if it is a beginner rec class, it could be very good for her. I coach a gymnastics-based movement programme in primary schools, and we often see kids who are not very experienced with movement - these are usually the kids who get the most out of the programme.

I would have a look at the activities she is finding difficult and see if there is a way to modify them so that she is able to have some success. Whenever a kid tells me "I can't do it" my answer is always "yes, you can - I'll help you" and then I do my absolute best to help them do it. Of course, you will not be able to help on every single activity so you need to plan some activities she can have success at independently. For example, as someone said above, if she can't do a forward roll without assistance, could she do a sideways roll instead. Even something as simple as jumping off a low block to a landing position.

In the beginning, I would not push her to do things she does not want to do, but give her praise and encouragement for everything she does try. As she begins to have some success, she might become less whiny and clingy. I disagree that being obese is not a factor, I think it can make some activities more difficult, plus it could affect a child's self-esteem. She may even be thinking to herself "I don't belong here".

In general, in my classes, if a child gets upset, I say to them to sit to the side and take some time out and when they feel ready they can join back in. Usually they join back in quickly, but if not, I might ask them "how's it going, do you think you're ready to join back in yet?". Always done kindly and gently. If a child is afraid of an activity and doesn't want to do it, see if you can find an easy first step and then small steps from there. For example, on bar we sometimes do a jump to front support and then roll over. Many kids are scared of the roll over, so we start with just the jump to support, then later add in a step where they are spotted to slowly come forward until they can lie over the bar.

If none of this works, then perhaps the idea of the parent staying with her might help. Over here the parents usually do the pre-school (under age 5) classes with the kids.