Parents Child obese, whiny, scared - How to handle the situation?

[MILgymFAM]

A teacher friend shared this on fb, and I am sure some of you have seen this- and I know it's not a 100% fit here, but... I am gonna leave it here anyway.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/amy-murray/dear-parent-about-that-kid_b_6154898.html

 

[billise]

Good read!!! Believe me, as someone who has a degree in Psychology with an emphasis on early childhood, as someone who has spent years working in social services I completely understand about "that child". But that is not MY child's situation so MY child needs to behave. And I firmly believe that for most kids that are not special needs and have a stable home life all they need is some firm and consistent discipline. Not "if you don't behave I'm not taking you for ice cream after class" but, "if you don't straighten up there will be no class" and then actually follow through. Coaches can't do this. Parents have to. Coaches should use their gym's behavior modification techniques and parents should allow an opportunity for those techniques to work but if they don't the parents need to step in. School is not optional but gym and other extra curricular activities are. Now, if OP is talking about a special needs child, of course that needs to be taken into consideration but i am working under the assumption that this is just a "typical" 4 year old.

 

[gymgal]

Let's look at it this way, the OP is new here, probably not a lot of experience coaching this level of children, is struggling to get it right, hasn't yet developed the proper skills, comes here for help to get better. So to recap, young (coaching wise), trying her best, still learning, not the best (yet), likes gymnastics, looking for help to get better. Sound a little like the girl in her class??
So how many posts here treated the OP they way they claim she should treat her student? How many treated her exactly the way they say they would find abhorrent?
By chastising someone who comes here with a legitimate question, it only chases them away. Personal rants are self serving and in no way help educate the poster. We have now collectively probably lost the opportunity to help the OP become the coach she and we would like her to be..........

Are you actually comparing the circumstance of a 4/5 yr old child, who is just at the beginning stage of learning socially appropriate behavior and coping skills with that of an adult who should have learned both by their early teens - and claiming we should be acting the same way toward both? It would have been different if the OP was asking for help in how to get this child to be more engaged in the class - but reread the original post. He/she came here looking for affirmation that this child should not be in gymnastics and advice on how to tell the parents this. Most people here essentially told the OP he/she is wrong. And plenty of people did offer constructive advice, both for the child and for the OP in terms of finding better ways to view the "problem".

I firmly believe that for most kids that are not special needs and have a stable home life all they need is some firm and consistent discipline. Not "if you don't behave I'm not taking you for ice cream after class" but, "if you don't straighten up there will be no class" and then actually follow through. ..........Now, if OP is talking about a special needs child, of course that needs to be taken into consideration but i am working under the assumption that this is just a "typical" 4 year old.

A 4/5 yr old with very poor motor skills, clumsiness, no strength, and crying all the time is NOT a typical child. Add the weight issue (very common in kids with low tone) and it is likely that something more going on. A good coach should be able to see this and accommodate in a preschool rec class. A good coach would approach the parents for more information. Yes, we could debate about whether the parent should have volunteered relevant information upfront but I work with these families on a daily basis. And I have experienced it with one of my own children. These parents are just praying that this will be the one time when their child may be able to succeed without extra help. They don't want the coach to have preconceived notions about their child. They don't want accommodations if the child can succeed with normal expectations.

Wow people seem wound up tight with out knowing very much about this situation. To me the OP is just looking for some suggestions based on what is quoted above.

I am not sure how much more is needed to know in this situation. reread the OP. It clearly describes the child in a negative way through the OP's eyes and the only advice he/she requested was how to tell the parents to pull the girl out of his/her class.

 

[sce]

She hasn't tried to make the parents do anything though? Just asked how she can tell them a 4 year old isn't cut out for gymnastics.

In our gym discipline is enforced within the gym. Parents do not, and should not, get involved. If the coach needs a parents backing over in issue then they approach the parents, explain what they are doing/have done, and ask the parents to enforce as well.

Parents disciplining from the gallery can actually undermine a coach. The coach should tell the parents what is expected of them outside the gym, but inside is their domain. Including sending the child out if they need parents to deal with something.

If I were the parent observing I may approach the coach after class to ask if there was anything she needed me to do, but otherwise I'd keep out.

I'm not saying the a parents do something during class, but haven't they observed their 4 yo in class? If my kid was acting like that, I would be seeking out the coach to discuss solutions. I would also expect the coach to be seeking me out. Clearly there is an issue with the child. The parent should be made aware of it, if they don't already know.

 

[billise]

I have worked with special needs children for many years myself gymgal both with child protective services and in the school system and I acknowledged that IF this child is special needs that needs to be taken into consideration. But I've also seen many clumsy uncoordinated clingy overweight etc 4 year olds whose major issue is they need consistent and firm discipline. I have no way of knowing which category this child falls into. Bottom line is the coach needs to coach to the best of her ability and the parents need to be involved to help come up with constructive ways to modify the child's behavior.

 

[ladybird]

OP: There is a coaching forum where you will get feedback from coaches rather than parents. Since you are new, you might not realize your audience right now is parents.

The OP did post this in the coach forum as well.

 

[Gymsanity]

'Are you actually comparing the circumstance of a 4/5 yr old child, who is just at the beginning stage of learning socially appropriate behavior and coping skills with that of an adult who should have learned both by their early teens - and claiming we should be acting the same way toward both?'
Short answer: 'yes.'
Long answer: At what point in life do you feel we no longer have anything to learn or teach, as children or adults? When do you feel that it is appropriate to speak harshly towards someone who is seeking help? The OP was struggling with this situation, and perhaps didn't phrase it exactly to your or some other responders liking. So under the bus they go?? This thread contains a lot of very good, useful, and well thought out advice that I truly believe could and would have helped the OP see and deal with her situation more clearly and effectively. As a matter of fact, there were many constructive ideas and experiences presented here that we could all learn from. I think we need to loose the PC, buzz words, personal baggage, hypersensitivity, etc. if we really want to help and educate.

'A good coach should be able to see this and accommodate in a preschool rec class. A good coach would approach the parents for more information.'

Any chance she came here trying to become 'a good coach'?

 

[sce]

Any chance she came here trying to become 'a good coach'?

well said

 

[Faith]

Not "if you don't behave I'm not taking you for ice cream after class" but, "if you don't straighten up there will be no class" and then actually follow through. Coaches can't do this.

This is counterproductive though. Kid doesn't enjoy class, misbehaves, is allowed to skip that class. Effectively rewarding bad behaviour. As a coach is be thoroughly peed off if the parents kept pulling the kid for behaviour I was trying to address in class. If the kid's not there we can't work on it and we'll be back to square one every class.

I think with a kid like this, it needs to be positive reinforcement. Goals and rewards. If you do the roll down the cheese wedge you get a sticker. Not if you don't do it you get pulled. But the coach does need to make sure she is setting goals easily within the child's reach.

Even with a future elite working a yurchenko we break the skill down to drills the child can manage. Quickest way to make them cry every practice or want to quit is to start asking them to chuck the full skill from the off. Same with this kid, just on the lower scale.

 

[billise]

I'm not talking about pulling the kid out of one class. As I stated in a previous post I'm talking about "we're done with gym altogether for the foreseeable future". With my kids it was simple. 3 strikes in a short period of time and your out. If they end up "out" we try to find something else that they are more interested in. I've never verbally disciplined my kids during a class (and I can't imagine ever doing that as it would just cause more disruption). If I wasn't happy with their behavior I simply sat there until they glanced my direction and all it took was "the look" (or a discreet snap of the fingers) to straighten the behavior up. If I thought the behavior warranted it we had a short discussion about it after class with a warning about the consequences of future disruptive behavior. My kids knew my husband and I were on the same page, we were serious and our threats were not idle. I'm about to get on my soapbox here no one can tell me that 2,3,4 year old shouldn't be expected to behave. Kids will typically rise to level of expectation you put on them. I have 3 children all with very different personalities, and all of them could sit through a 2 hour church service (yes I said 2 hours, we're Baptist ) on a weekly basis with no disruption at all by the time they were 2. They knew if they misbehaved they would be taken out and made to sit on my lap in a back room. No toys, no playing, just sit there on my lap until they were ready to return to service. It meant I did have to miss a service or two but they QUICKLY learned that it was more fun to stay in service where they could sit next to me independently and play with a quite toy. Young children learn quickly and when parents are firm and consistent with their discipline it typically doesn't take long for kids to get in line. Now, as I stated earlier, if we're talking about a "special needs" child it's a whole other story.

 

[Faith]

Just from the opposite PoV for a minute.

My parents were those who had "the look" down to a fine art, and could discipline me from the next room.

However. It took a lot of the fun out of my sport. I was forever worried about what they thought, looking up to the gallery, wondering if my behaviour was good enough. I couldn't have fun with the other girls because I knew that would be seen as "messing about" and not giving my full attention. Personally I hate to see kids looking at the parents at all in the gallery, (except maybe if they want to make sure a new skill is seen), they should be listening to me, looking for my praise, not for parental approval during class.

It is their sport and *they* need to learn if they don't work they won't get the results. Intrinsic vs. Extrinsic motivation.

This kid in the o/p needs to learn exercise is fun, and she can do it. Hauling her out is teaching her to quit and that if she's not instantly good or enjoying an activity there's no point continuing. She's 4. She's not misbehaving, she's finding an activity difficult and getting upset. My kids get upset about difficult homework sometimes, but we find away to break it down and get it done. I don't say, oh if you're going to throw tantrums, we'll find homework you do want to do. How many activities do they try - because she won't be good at any at first, if she's obese and not confident physically-before they give up and let her remain sedentary and eat.

 

[billise]

I respectfully disagree (just different parenting styles I suppose). Not necessarily regarding the child in the OP because I simply don't know enough about her specific situation but I certainly can speak to my children.

As a parent I know the difference between misbehaving and having fun and because of the way my children were raised so did they at a very early age. And it didn't take long for them to learn it, meaning the vast majority of the time if they looked over at me during practice I was free to just give a little grin. They were free to have fun and even free to "cross the line" from time to time (thus the 3 strikes rule) but in general, if the coach tells them to do something they need to do it or at least try without a bunch of drama. Homework is not optional but these extracurricular activities are so we deal with frustration about school work a bit differently but our response is still "your teacher assigned it so you need to cut out the drama and get it done . Now lets work together to accomplish that".

My children are now ages 8, 11 & 14 my 8 year old is my gymmie and she has been on team since she was 5 so I haven't regularly watched any of their practices in some time and haven't needed to. I know this because their coaches periodically seek us out to commend their behavior, manners and attitude. We let our children know, in those early years that it's great to have fun but you MUST follow the rules at the same time and they got it. My kids are far from perfect and my son (age 14) does still try to push the boundaries a bit from time to time but he plays high school football and those coaches will quickly and firmly let the boys know when they've crossed the line.

Bottom line: My kids are not free to do what they want to do even at ages 2,3 & 4. That's not how life works. In benign situations they need to do what they are told with a good attitude whether it's in school, sports or at home and in my opinion, the earlier they learn that the better.

 

[Anna's_Mom]

Ok, but the person asking the question is the coach, not a parent. Parental discipline styles are irrelevant here. If you advocated spanking, it wouldn't be something the coach could do, right? Yes, coach needs to talk to parents to come up with *in class* solution. But I would be livid if a coach tried to dictate parenting style. In addition, coach needs advice/suggestions from others in her gym - they have surely encountered this before. There might even be a gym standard protocol - I know there is at our gym

 

[billise]

Way back when, I said the coach needed to implement the gyms system of behavior modification and if that doesn't work the coach needs to work with the parents to modify her behavior because disciple is really the parents responsibility. That's how it got off onto parenting but you are 100% correct this coach needs coaching suggestions and there are a lot of great ones posted throughout this thread!