MAG How to help son cope with the highs and lows of competition

[miltongrl66]

DS competed in his first meet ever a couple of weeks ago and he had a great meet. We were both surprised at how well he did. Fast forward to this past weekend and his second meet . . . Unfortunately he did not have such a great meet. The meet was much larger than the first one and the warmup format was completely different. The judges at this meet were much more conservative in scoring everyone. DS had problems with his first event she he received a low score. He seemed ok afterward. But when he did his second event (his favorite) and didn't get the type of score he felt he deserved I could tell by his body language that he was discouraged. Things just went downhill from there. To me it just looked like he gave up at some point. Even though I reassured him that he did a good job, he was in tears after the meet. I tried to explain to him that everyone has bad days and that just because he doesnt get the result he wants on one event doesn't mean he can give up on the others. He placed third in his favorite event and his team placed third all around. But being the perfectionist that he is, he just can't stop focusing on the mistakes he made. We have another meet coming up in a couple of weeks. Any advice on how to help him move past this?

 

[munchkin3]

dont over focus on the meet.
its just a game, you win some you loose some......compare it to a soccer game.

 

[wallinbl]

Mistakes happen. So do bad things (judging errors, faulty equipment, illness, etc). The same is true in life. Much of our happiness depends on our ability to be resilient. If you're frustrated with last time, use it to drive yourself in training. If you're making excuses, drive that thinking out of your head - there will always be things you don't like about situations, and you'll have to go forward anyway. If you get hung up on yesterday's disappointment, you'll make tomorrow more disappointing as well.

Focusing on mistakes can be done in a healthy way that leads to self improvement. As long as it stays in that realm, let him have at it. If it's a self pity party, well, let go of that when you wake up the next morning to a new day.

 

[samsmama]

I just went through this (you can read all of my moaning on the Age Divisions thread!). We had a good first meet, but it was huge and DS didn't place even though his teammates in smaller divisions who had lower scores got medals. He was very confused and disappointed. Last weekend, our second meet, also a large one, went great and DS got five medals.

So it's been very up and down already, but the experience of not placing at all was a great one for him in the end. He has learned in just two meets that there is a LOT he can't control and he just has to go out and do his best every time. He has a much more realistic set of expectations about meets now that should serve him well in the future.

I hope your guy feels better soon. FWIW, I did find my DS bounced back within a day of the disappointing meet and was 100% ready to go by the next weekend.

 

[gracyomalley]

DDs old coach didn't let the girls look at scores until the meet was over. This didn't work after about L6 but with the young ones it both kept them focused and encouraged them to realize how little scores matter in the end.

Every one has good and bad days - I fully expect DS the younger to have a much worse meet this weekend than last (as he surprised with multiple skills this last meet that are usually quite rough...) but there's always something to be proud of!

 

[meganliz77]

I just posted something very similar the other day... A lot of great feedback on that thread, but I don't know how to link it here...

I know it's a work in progress for my DD!! And she has moved on from her last meet where she was disappointed in missing some big skills, which is great.

There are definitely a lot of lessons for our kiddos to learn whole in this sport... good luck!

 

[skschlag]

It is so hard when they have a rough one, but for most, it will happen a lot. I think you have a lot of great advice here....but just try to enjoy the ride. He will get to where he can handle that kind of disappointment.

 

[alongfortheride]

Honestly, it's been good for my son to "not win". He doesn't really expect it, and the focus is on improving scores. Last meet he got his first 2 medals this season. The meet this weekend is huge, so we're not expecting anything. He has a teammate who stayed back a level who is sweeping the medals, but I think next year will be hard for his teammate after being used to constantly winning.

 

[profmom]

Also think hard about how you help your child define what constitutes a great meet or a great routine. "Great" should be doing the routine the best that you possibly can, based on what you've been doing in the gym. And a "great meet" is hitting all of your routines to the best of your capacity. If your child learns this lesson early on, it will help him to advance through the sport and handle both the external score/medal highs and lows equally well. DS learned this from his sister, and while last year was a great year culminating with a great regional meet, he was happiest at regionals about the one event in which he did not place, because he did better on it than he ever had before. Likewise, DD has had more than one "great meet" at which she has not gotten a single medal -- it's this kind of thinking that has kept her plugging away at it into optionals.

Both of mine are competing new levels this year, so we are REALLY downplaying placements and scores and focusing on "oh, yay, you competed that upgrade!" or "wow, that was the best floor routine I've ever seen you do!" And both of them have had things to feel good about from their meets so far that are totally unrelated to scores or placements.

 

[skschlag]

D's goal for tomorrow is to have 6 or fewer falls. That acounts for 2 falls each on pommel , hb and pbs. LOL. He would also like to land his vault on his feet....but that might just be a dream... oh, and to remember all his routines.

 

[profmom]

He should spend all his falls on one event. I guess vault is not an option.

 

[skschlag]

lol. he could. I can see him falling like that on pbars or pommel..

 

[profmom]

The wonderful thing about a lot of boys is that they can have that event and laugh their butts off about it ON THE FLOOR while the comp is still going on. Though two years ago, one of DD's teammates, who had just won states and was competing at a meaningless meet a few weeks later, fell 3-4 times on bars, finally got off, and turned to DD with a huge smile and said, "Well, THAT was an epic fail!"

 

[ZJsMom]

I think it takes most kids a while to learn how to compete. At least it did for both my kids. It's such a mental sport that it's almost like a totally separate skill.

 

[gracyomalley]

My boys just finished their first 2 meets at new levels, one having skipped 6 and gone straight to Level7. Both meets were small - Our state has essentially 2 tiers of men's teams - the little ones and 3-4 powerhouse gyms from the single metro area in our state - those teams rarely send their L6+ kids to any local meets as the competition is very limited...but our team has a new building, new HC, temporary men's coach learning as he goes, lots of recent forced time off due to equipment, etc. so this year the boys are doing a combination of teeny meets and a couple "real world" ones. No big travel meets more than 6 hours away.

The positive note of all this is our team tends to be "top of the bottom" in our state...so lots of first places, team awards, etc. at the smaller meets. We are proud to be middle of the road in big multi-state meets...(and with the limited resources, the older boys at least understand this).

This balance keeps the boys thinking about their own improvement, setting goals for themselves ("don't fall on pommel - or only fall once...", "limit my form deductions on rings while trying for the skill I know I can't do"...etc) and still get an occ. medal (or in older son's case tons plus his own team award due to being the only kid his level in his age group!) Sometimes "not being last" is on the goal list (esp. for DS elder after missing 6 weeks recently - beating out a few kids on high bar even without the last 3 elements each meet...).

Thing is, even from a small, under-resourced area, these kids who stick it out do keep improving if they work hard and have coaches who at least care and try hard to teach them. NOT going to the Olympics, even to watch, mind you - but its cool watching the kid who never broke a 7.7 on high bar last year because he was afraid to swing at L5 now getting 9s as a Level 6....not 11s...but still...he's making goals and meeting them - and a nice handful of medals so far this year help along the way - even though he knows there may not be many more coming as we head into the bigger meets.

As my 14 year old says, "I've learned a lot of life lessons from gymnastics". Now I am just waiting for him to transfer them to other areas of life - I'm betting it might take until he's 20 or so!

 

[sce]

I have to say, this year has been a tough one for my ds. With his Osgood Schlatter's vault, tumbling, landings have all been limited. He's also gown so much, so as he's learned new skills he's also learning with a much larger body. I've been so proud to see him work hard and compete well. Each time he succeeds at something I can see the joy in his face, as he's fought for that success. He hasn't performed to the level he wants, he's so close to yet not qualified to states yet. It's bringing out even more hard work in him.

Yesterday he had a private lesson and the smiles were so great to see. He's conquering, pain and fear. The struggles and overcoming them, seem to be bringing out his love of this sport. No medal is better than that.

 

[samuel310]

I told my ds (who plays a lot of baseball) that it's like an ump with a strike zone you don't agree with. You can complain and s

 

[samuel310]

And say how unfair the zone is but at the end of the day you can't control it. You adjust, move on and show your teammates how to handle it like a boss. It's a marathon not a sprint.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

DS competed in his first meet ever a couple of weeks ago and he had a great meet. We were both surprised at how well he did. Fast forward to this past weekend and his second meet . . . Unfortunately he did not have such a great meet. The meet was much larger than the first one and the warmup format was completely different. The judges at this meet were much more conservative in scoring everyone. DS had problems with his first event she he received a low score. He seemed ok afterward. But when he did his second event (his favorite) and didn't get the type of score he felt he deserved I could tell by his body language that he was discouraged. Things just went downhill from there. To me it just looked like he gave up at some point. Even though I reassured him that he did a good job, he was in tears after the meet. I tried to explain to him that everyone has bad days and that just because he doesnt get the result he wants on one event doesn't mean he can give up on the others. He placed third in his favorite event and his team placed third all around. But being the perfectionist that he is, he just can't stop focusing on the mistakes he made. We have another meet coming up in a couple of weeks. Any advice on how to help him move past this?

gymnastics is the wrong sport if you don't like making mistakes. in fact, you have to enjoy that aspect and enjoy mastering your screw ups. you'll have to let him know from me that if he is looking for perfection tell him he'll have to computerize himself. he'll screw up half the time...about the same as an Olympian.