Parents Need some parental guidance

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GYM0M

Proud Parent
If there is anyone out there that has any experience with extremely exceptional children (not necessarily gymnasts) and siblings, please shoot me a pm. (PS gym0m is with a zero)!
 
It may help if you clarify what you mean by exceptional. Mentally gifted? Mensa gifted? A music prodigy? Sports phenom? Something else entirely?
 
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I have an 11 year old that doesn't really take pleasure in doing anything. There's not any one thing that she genuinely enjoys. She has tried EVERY thing under the sun and nothing sticks. Little sister (gymmie) idolizes her big sister. She's always excited to tell her about anything and everything. Older dd responses are just downright rude, sometimes. Examples: gymmie- hey sis, watch this video about cats (older dd loves cats, but that's the only thing), they watch video, it's funny and cute. Older dd- well I can't get those 2 minutes of my life back.......(Really?). #2 gymmie- guess what I did today? I made it to level 100 on circles (iPhone game)! Older dd- enthusiastically (like she's gonna say good job or neat) responds "And, I don't care!" Sometimes they get along great. Older dd is the same way towards my son, 10. I just can't put a finger on the root of her negativity and animosity.
 
I might be way off base here, but IMO, GYM0M, you just describe a child who is in need of a challenge. She sounds unmotivated and bored. What does she do a lot of? Find something along those lines, but at an advanced level (relative to where she is)...instead of 11 yr old reading, try high-school level, etc.
 
honestly that sounds a little bit like just a normal teenage stage:)

What does she express interest in? maybe she doesn't want to achieve anything and is just more content? but maybe feels insecure/unsupported in that? maybe she feels a little bit like you favor them and is testing you by being a little negative to them? I would stay out of the sibling relationships unless it's hitting or really bullying. I bet if you're not watching she's nicer to them:) I'd encourage the kids to practice active listening/I statements to each other. Like the little sister could say, I feel sad when I'm trying to share something with you and you say rude stuff to me? I think I'd really just try to be present for the older one, not really doing anything (maybe watch tv?) and just be open to listen to her without judgment, hopefully soon she'll open up. She might just want to be enough/accepted for how she is? not all kids are into achieving all the time, and I think that's fine. I'd really praise her for realizing her inherent worth and not focusing on external stuff, maybe she's into philosophy? maybe more introverted stuff like coding?
 
I might be way off base here, but IMO, GYM0M, you just describe a child who is in need of a challenge. She sounds unmotivated and bored. What does she do a lot of? Find something along those lines, but at an advanced level (relative to where she is)...instead of 11 yr old reading, try high-school level, etc.
Could be. I've got a few calls in to the local animal shelters to see if she's old enough to come volunteer, but I'm not sure she could handle leaving the kitties there.....she's a very kindred spirit. She reads, a lot! She has read the hunger games series, the twilight series, & the divergent series since Thanksgiving. She wants to go to Paris one day so she recently took up learning to speak French. We challenge each other to learn one new sentence per day. She tried a summer book club last summer, but they wanted her to talk about the book (duh?). "No, mom, like in front of everyone. I don't know them."
 
Could be. I've got a few calls in to the local animal shelters to see if she's old enough to come volunteer, but I'm not sure she could handle leaving the kitties there.....she's a very kindred spirit. She reads, a lot! She has read the hunger games series, the twilight series, & the divergent series since Thanksgiving. She wants to go to Paris one day so she recently took up learning to speak French. We challenge each other to learn one new sentence per day. She tried a summer book club last summer, but they wanted her to talk about the book (duh?). "No, mom, like in front of everyone. I don't know them."

She sounds an awful lot like my younger dd. Before she started T&T she was in my older DDs shadow constantly. Shy around strangers, amazingly empathic. Wonderful in so many ways that most people simply failed to notice. I never really even imagined she would love T&T the way she does. I think it caught us all off guard. Having something to work at, be good (enough)at, and mainly have all to herself has been cathartic. She sounds pretty wonderful, btw- your older dd.
 
I'm not being critical but if you don't want older DD responding so rudely to younger DD then you need to make it mandatory that she speak to younger DD (and every member of your household) with civility. If you allow the snottiness, then it will continue. If you demand pleasant words, then you send the message that how she speaks to her sibs matters and their feelings matter. I don't tolerate snotty remarks in my tween (10 nearing 11) because I have no intention of being spoken to in such a manner when she does reach the glorious threshold of teendom.

I think it is actually unusual that our girls found their niches (around here, mostly gym) at such a young age. Few of my DD's friends and classmates have a passion about anything like she does gym. You mention your older DD reads. That is such a great thing! Would she be interested in attending a writer's workshop to try her hand at penning a book rather than just reading it? Or what about reading a novel she's already enjoyed in French?
 
I went through this with now 12 DD when she was 11. Snide comments to siblings, too good for everything the 10 and 7 year old wanted to do, ignoring me completely when I volunteered at school. She is academically gifted but I don't think that had anything to do with it. She hurt her sibs feelings a lot. Sneered at just about everything. Well at 12 and a half I have my kid back, and her sisters have their sister back. It may be a phase. My second recently turned 11 and I am noticing the sneering attitude in her. I don't put up with it. If she say or does something hurtful, I call her on it. I do not let them get away with hurtful actions. I also require the other kids to give her her space. The younger one doesn't have free rein to be in her room anytime she wants, or to bug her all the time. I would give it some time, chalk it up to her age, do not tolerate hostile behavior, and it it doent improve or gets worse, explore the possibility of depression or other mental health problems.
 
Every child can be exceptional- the secret is to find their platform for success.

Turning the negatives around can be helpful- OP's 11 year old is excellent at giving new things a go! She is interested in cats- somehow I would tease that out into a platform ( interest/ hobby/ craft) for her- then other areas of success tend to follow.

OP have you had your DD checked for depression? This is a very real phenomena in kids and sometimes aggression and negativity can be masking illness.

Also some kids who have been abused/ bullied etc can exhibit these traits- perhaps counselling might help.

Good luck:)
 
Well, as parents we really can't control what comes out of our kids mouths - believe me I have tried. But we can give consequences for it. I can't stand hearing the snide remarks and I got so fed up one day that I started charging my kids money for every snide remark. Honestly they didn't think what they were saying was rude many times. Within 2 days they were all being much nicer to everyone. I only have to bring out the "snide remarks" jar occasionally to keep things civil around here. Each family will have a different way of dealing with it. The important thing is to deal with it.

As for your dd - she sounds bored. I would sign her up for stuff and force her to go. And try to spend more one on one time with her yourself.
 
I would look into enrichment programs for gifted kids. If these kids are mainstreamed at school, or even if they are in honors classes, they can feel very different from the other kids around them, which can be exhausting and demoralizing. It can be a life-changing experience for them to spend time with other kids who are like them, studying a subject about which they are passionate. There are weekend programs and summer programs, including residential camps which can be especially good if your child is ready for that type of experience. Check your local universities, search to see whether your city or state has a gifted children's association, check out CTY at Johns Hopkins, talk to your child's school counselor or gifted resource teacher.

And definitely demand civility! If she is rude, immediately make her go back and express herself properly. Brilliance is no excuse for rudeness, even if you are 11.
 
Could be. I've got a few calls in to the local animal shelters to see if she's old enough to come volunteer, but I'm not sure she could handle leaving the kitties there.....she's a very kindred spirit. She reads, a lot! She has read the hunger games series, the twilight series, & the divergent series since Thanksgiving. She wants to go to Paris one day so she recently took up learning to speak French. We challenge each other to learn one new sentence per day. She tried a summer book club last summer, but they wanted her to talk about the book (duh?). "No, mom, like in front of everyone. I don't know them."

Can you at least give us a hint about what area she is gifted? That could help with suggestions on how to help.
 
I have an 11 year old that doesn't really take pleasure in doing anything. There's not any one thing that she genuinely enjoys. She has tried EVERY thing under the sun and nothing sticks. Little sister (gymmie) idolizes her big sister. She's always excited to tell her about anything and everything. Older dd responses are just downright rude, sometimes. Examples: gymmie- hey sis, watch this video about cats (older dd loves cats, but that's the only thing), they watch video, it's funny and cute. Older dd- well I can't get those 2 minutes of my life back.......(Really?). #2 gymmie- guess what I did today? I made it to level 100 on circles (iPhone game)! Older dd- enthusiastically (like she's gonna say good job or neat) responds "And, I don't care!" Sometimes they get along great. Older dd is the same way towards my son, 10. I just can't put a finger on the root of her negativity and animosity.

This sounds exactly like my 15 year old and her 10 yo sister! Unless it's something that interests HER (anime or video games mostly), then it's "I don't care" (yes, with that enthusiastic tone :)). I think it's normal teenage behavior.
And yes, she also tried everything - sports, musics, etc., but nothing stuck really. I think she is a little jealous too of her sister doing gymnastics, going to the meets, getting medals. I guess she thinks we are more proud of here sister because of her gymnastics, and not proud enough of her, because she doesn't have anything serious like that going on? I think that's where some of that hostility toward her sister might be coming from.
 
I agree that alot of this comes with the lovely pre-teen years. And it seems to continue for several years. My oldest is doing a bit better (almost 15), but can be so snotty with everyone in the family. We really do try to stop him, explain to him what he is doing, and make him speak nicely. We know he is proud of his brother, and there are glimpses of time where tehy get along, but the majority of the back and forth is in taht "snotty" tone (and the younger one is 12, so they can both give it out!!)
 
I have an 11-year-old DD who is academically gifted. It took her several years to find something she really likes (tennis) and even then she isn't passionate about it like DS is about gymnastics. She also reads a lot.

I was a lot like her as a kid and it's tough to be a quieter, more reserved kid, especially when you have a younger sibling who gets a lot of attention, as my DS does for gym. I loved to read as well, and that's pretty much all I did as a hobby through those pre-teen years. I picked up a few more interests over time, but I would still rather be reading a good book with a cup of tea than doing anything else. I am a writer and encourage my DD to write, so I agree with the suggestions of looking into a creative writing program for your DD. That can be a great outlet even if the results aren't shared publicly.

I am fortunate that my kids get along really well, but DD does sometimes lapse into the "snotty" tone. I do not tolerate it for one second and there are (to her) severe consequences for rude behavior in our house, whether toward me or her brother (generally losing her iPod, which she is obsessed with). I don't agree with the philosophy of leaving siblings to work things out themselves, at least when it comes to this kind of thing. I feel I have the right to set and enforce standards for politeness in my house. It does work, at least so far.
 

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