WAG How to process negative encouragement

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Judybird

Proud Parent
My 7 year old level 3 DD is in her 3rd year of competing. She enjoys the sport. Her AA's have increased every year. This season she has had a low of 36 and a high of 37.8. There is one coach at her gym that uses disparaging comments as motivation for the girls. Despite this, most of the girls love him and he has made them all tighter, stronger gymnasts in the 2 years he has been at our gym.

Last night my DD came home in tears after practice saying that he told her he is "sick of her acting like a queen that is good" and that "she has lost her talent". I'm not privy to what behavior of hers caused him to tell her this. One thing I do know is that he told her this to "make her mad enough to do better". He explains his behavior to other parents frequently. Anyway, she is obsessed and downtrodden over it. She has a meet Sunday. Who knows what her confidence level will be by then.

Any advice on how to cheer her up without undermining her respect for her coach?
 
Get both side of the situation first. Going on what your DD says is fine, she needs to be listened to and have her feelings validated. However, get the lowdown from coach too. Find out what has changed with her in 3 years, does she get an attitude towards him ever, or something that would be seen as disrespect. Of not, and he is using this as a tactic, I'm assuming he is looking to light a fire under her/them. Maybe talk with your DD and ask her what drives her, what would make her feel like she wants to try harder, what makes her want more. Talk about goals. Then just encourage her to give her best at all practices and this will bring positive changes. You have no control over changing the coach's method, you can help DD by teaching her how to cope with him. We all have people coworker or boss we can't stand but have to be civil with to get things accomplished. This could be an important life lesson that will help down the road.
 
See what the coaches goals are for her. Having both sides of a story is number one.
 
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As long as I was comfortable that my daughter was not in fact "acting like a Queen" and working hard......

Not my idea of good coaching and wouldn't be putting up with it.

And I get raising their game and not giving false praise. But to go out of ones way to be purposely mean and negative. It would one warning and done.

I steaming just thinking about. Really no one is perfect there are enough corrections to point out without being out and out mean. Yep uncalled for. And as a grown up and coach should know better.
 
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We all have people coworker or boss we can't stand but have to be civil with to get things accomplished. This could be an important life lesson that will help down the road.

I think a 7 yr old doesn't need to learn that life lesson from a grown up. Especially one that you are paying.

Another important life lesson is its not OK to have someone be disrespectful and mean and treat you badly and you should just put up with it.

Yes there is much in life we can't control, but when we can we should act on it. Not OK at all.

If she in fact is having an attitude problem or not working hard, there are better ways to handle it. Not cool at all.
 
Any advice on how to cheer her up without undermining her respect for her coach?

I don't know that you can cheer her up. But you can tell her how she does at her meet is entirely up to her. And she should do her best and do what she is capable of doing.
 
I understand what you are saying Deleted member 18037. You make a good point. I didn't mean for my response to sound like I agree with that method of coaching, cause I don't. I know many coaches that take that approach, always have and wont change. But they all have good intentions underlying their antics ( at least the ones i know) Not saying it OK. Its Not. But it exists in the gym world. Judybird, would changing gyms be an option where you are? You mention dispute all the harsh words that she respects him and you don't want to u undermine him. Which leads me to believe you want to stay and find a way to handle it.
 
And to be clear, I don't think it should be all sunshine and roses. My daughters coaches are pretty stern. When they give praise you know they mean it. One coach is frequently spoken of as cranky and a curmudgeon (sp) and the kids mostly love him.

He is the type you get a 9.8 and he will pointing out the leg that wasn't quite flexed enough or if that leap had just been a bit higher or a leg straighter.
 
If my child was called a queen then I most certainly would be asking the coach for more information and if there's anything I can do to help the situation. This is not my style at all but I know people who are like this. This wold not make my DD mad....quite the opposite and she would have problems moving on. I would probably suggest to her that everyone has bad weeks and that sometimes people act in a way that they aren't proud of at times and go from there. You could even leave it open ended and see if she bites with acknowledgment of anything she can do to improve herself. There could be a problem with behavior and even though the coach commented, this is no guarantee that she truly understands. But no...this style is in general not cool by me.

ETA: 3 years @ L3? Yeah, maybe she IS bored. Not excusing poor behavior at all but maybe it's time for L4.
 
I think that coaching style probably works great for some girls, but I know it would crush my DD, she thrives on constructive criticism, but saying those types of phrases would likely make her cry, it's just who she is. No advice other than to talk to the coach and go from there, if he's not willing to change, and that's not working for your DD, I can't help but think that a gym/coach change would be necessary in order to keep her motivated.

@NutterButter -I think she meant it's just her third year competing, not third year competing L3.
 
And to be clear, I don't think it should be all sunshine and roses. My daughters coaches are pretty stern. When they give praise you know they mean it. One coach is frequently spoken of as cranky and a curmudgeon (sp) and the kids mostly love him.

He is the type you get a 9.8 and he will pointing out the leg that wasn't quite flexed enough or if that leap had just been a bit higher or a leg straighter.

Yes. This coach is definitely the type to demand more even if the girls get a 9.8 on something. He demands precision and no performance is ever good enough. That is why he has been so effective thus far in improving the girls he coaches.

As a mother, i have no credibility when it comes to assessing her behavior at gym. However I can say that the coaches have always commended her to me on being a respectable and hard working child. She is frequently described as having "the best attitude" and "working so hard" by the 5 different coaches she has. If she has developed a poor attitude or work ethic recently, no one has noted it. I will certainly inquire.

At one point several weeks ago, I recognized another forum member as being someone from my gym. She commented that this coach told her daughter "you haven't gotten your kip because you don't want it bad enough". Several other forum members were amazed that a coach would speak this way but it is commonplace for us. So, I wasn't trying to ask "is this ok?" in regards to his comments. As an adult I know they are not.

My question is more this: how can I explain to a seven year old that someone who is extremely knowledgeable about gymnastics should be ignored when it comes to character related comments??? Last night I tried to console her by saying "listen to everything he says about your body movements but ignore anything he says about your personality". As an adult, I can compartmentalize "corrections" that way but I am not sure a 7 year old can????
 
My question is more this: how can I explain to a seven year old that someone who is extremely knowledgeable about gymnastics should be ignored when it comes to character related comments??? Last night I tried to console her by saying "listen to everything he says about your body movements but ignore anything he says about your personality". As an adult, I can compartmentalize "corrections" that way but I am not sure a 7 year old can????

I am not sure you can completely, she is 7. Is there perhaps a literary character or movie character that she could relate this too? Kind of like Maleficent. I always said she was misunderstood :D Or even you (dare I say on a grumpy day) :)

And my girl gets the same feedback from coaches and teachers, highly coachable, able to take criticism, great listener, wants to self correct and improve. If she came home like that, I would think it was pretty bad. I'm with Coach P and WSCoachLY, I would clarify first. But knowing my kid, my gut would say it was out of line.
 
this coach told her daughter "you haven't gotten your kip because you don't want it bad enough". Several other forum members were amazed that a coach would speak this way but it is commonplace for us.

Yeah not a fan of this either. If the kid doesn't have her kip I am guessing she is new and on the young side.

That's the kind of crud you say to HS kids, college kids, professional football pep talks. Its Rocky/We Are Marshall/Rudy movie talk. Not 7-10 yr olds. I call BS
 
When ds was 7, he came home from practice in tears. Apparently, his coach had called him a chicken and told hi he would never ever get to do a back tuck again. I was so upset from him. Devastated. how could a coach talk to me adorable little boy that way.

Turns out that D was working it on the floor for the first time. THey had one last turn before getting off teh foor, so he was goign to try. He balked Coach put his arm on D and said" oh man, too bad, you chickened out. Might be a hile before you can give it a shot on the floor again,"

I tell you this to say that what is said, and what is heard can be completely different. It is always good to get the whole story.
 
Whatever the coach's intent was, he clearly failed. He is not making your daughter mad enough to do better. His comments were demotivating her and ruining the joy for a sport that should be mostly fun for a 7 year old. See if you can talk to him and he can try another tactic with your daughter. If he won't or cannot, then I would consider the behavior abusive, intollerable, and a clear sign of bad coaching. Sorry, but there is not an ounce of constructive criticism in the comments you listed. They just sound like the comments of a mean bully.
 
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Not a fan of negative coaching but sometimes information alone is very overwhelming, and even more so when delivered by a hard case coach. perhaps the coach feels your dd is resting on her past accomplishments and wants to nip that in the bud.

Ask your dd to consider what the coach is saying because sometimes the shoe fits. If it doesn't fit then she needn't be so upset.
 
The coach sought me out today to talk. He's noticed a change in my DD's personality and how she takes corrections from him. He got me out of the carpool line to speak to me and we had a great talk. As rough and negative as he can be at times, there is still a reason we consider him an awesome coach. He is super tough on the girls but he does make them better. For him to make inquiries about her emotional well being made me feel much better about the situation. There have been some problems in our family life recently. I had no idea that her behavior was changing and he had no idea why. This is the perfect example of why communication between coaches and parents can be so important.

I am thankful to have CB as a resource. The collective parenting and teaching experience makes gym life so much easier to navigate.
 

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