Parents never satisfied

[trampolinemom]

How to handle a child who is just never really satisfied? My 8 year old DS just never seems satisfied with his accomplishments. He is achieving skills very fast, is the youngest one on his team, even the youngest one from his club who gets to compete internationally this year, So all in all just doing a great job.

But after practice he allways says it didn't go as well as he wanted to even though he did get compliments and high fives from his coach. If he wins at a meet he will say that it was allright but.. "this and this skill didn't go well enough" He compares himself to the best kids of his club who are 3 -5 years older than him and not to the ones who are closer to his age and/ or average performing.

I think it is good in a way that he is not easily satisfied and keeps trying to get better, but I am sorry for him that he sometimes seems to lose the fun and joy he should be having at age 8.

 

[ZJsMom]

I don't have any real advice except to keep telling him he's doing great. I think the truth is, gymnastics attracts perfectionists. My ds does some of that. I remember one time showing him stills of his ring dismount because he was saying how it lacks amplitude and I had to show him pictures and say "look how high above the rings you are."

 

[Fijiwater]

I would say that's the right kind of attitude to have as a competitor, there is always something to improve. As long as he isn't getting down on himself to the point that he wants to quit or doubts his ability. Some kids are just always wanting to be there best, my DD is always working to get better, where my DS (baseball, football, basketball) is just playing to have fun, winning or being the best isn't that big of a deal to him.

 

[skschlag]

I guess I have a bit of a different take, and would be wanting to find a way for him to have fun with it again. He is so young, and putting a lot of pressure on himself, that burnout is a possibility. There has to be enjoyment with the hard work and determination, and if you are not seeing that, I think you are right to have a little concern. I would say to actually try to talk to him about the fun parts of practice, and anything you saw that was positive, and then change the subject. Let him find the enjoyment! My ds is always wanting to improve, working hard, and makign changes, but does not often get down on himself. I do think you might have to help him find that balance.

 

[profmom]

Force him to tell you three good things that happened at practice before you allow him to start telling you about what went wrong. Yes, if they are really highly motivated, they are going to be very self critical, but they also have to be able to know what's going right, and as Skschlag says, it has to stay fun if they're going to hang in there for the long run!

 

[Fijiwater]

I should add that DD never seems unsatisfied after practice. She does have the occasional bad day but never discusses what she could’ve done better. With gymnastics being a judged sport with so many details it would be easy to be self critical. At our gym they teach where the deductions are so kids know what they are losing points on. I guess me and Mom wouldn’t understand anyway. I recorded a vault at a meet that DD got a low score on and we couldn’t figure out why, it looked like a 10 to us. DD was able to point out every deduction that she got down to the tenth. I would say if he is comparing himself to kids 5 years older, he surely knows he is doing really well. Just continue to tell him he is doing great and that he will get where he wants to be if he keeps working at it. You could also tell him to think back before he got a big skill and think about how far he has come since getting it, to show that there is progress being made.

 

[blueredzone]

Well I can't really help with experiences of my ds. But when I was younger I was the same way as the op described. However, my sport was basketball.

I know he is only 8. That's not to early to be competitive about something. Also I'd mention to be the best you have to find out how u do against the best right?

 

[trampolinemom]

Thank you so much for your replies and advice. I find it sometimes hard to see him struggle with this when for us as parents it is not so important at all what level exactly he will achieve. But I realised that it is his personal struggle and in a way I should just stay out of it and let him be. Last practice I saw him struggle with a new skill (backflip with full twist , for example )

It is a pretty hard skill for an 8 year old so not a problem at all if he doesn't get it the first practice.

I saw him trying in tears over and over. His coach then said to him to go back to the preparing skill (half twist) but he then asked the coach if he could try some more. Two turns later he got it. Polished it a bit more with the coach and went home happy.

After I wrote this first post we had a few bad practices in a row, and then I told him it is ok to be competitive but at some level it is important to keep the joy in what you do and if it is nowhere to be found, well maybethen he should quit. No way! he answered me, this is my life, I do like it very much and I do realise I am doing pretty well. So he just doesn't show, but good to know it really is his passion.

 

[auswi]

Agree with Profmom and skschlag -
Although all good gymies have the ability to self critique, I would strongly encourage ( ok- order LOL) Op's Ds to find/ state 3 positives about every training- Dd needed encouragement with this initially and often her third positive was a silly light hearted one ( when I fell of the beam I didn't collect my coach on the way down etc) but this was also great as it helped her to see the fun in training and not get worn down by the intensity.

 

[trampolinemom]

Thank you so much for your imput. I ha a good talk with him (so good to have 30 minute drives home) and came to a few conclusions. The self critique he has is also what makes him good, so in a way I should value it as well . But... he needs help with putting things in perspective that's why I started the state 3 positives about training thing. (thanks so much for this advice)

We made an agreement that even if he is not satified about practice he has to think and tell me about the 3 positive things and has to be able to find a spark of joy about gymnastics in his heart. When that died out he has to tell me about it and we'll think about what to do. I told him I think it is cool and exciting that he has found something he is good at and I appreciate and value the hard work he puts into it. But I also value the passion for something and spark of joy he gets out of it. And there can be hard times and that's allright, no big fires all the time, but that spark has to be there.

He had a hard time naming three positives
"nothing really" "really nothing" "ok the coach was nice" "well, and the double front went ok ish " "really nothing more" "and I got a high five for my routine but it wasn't that good" "ok I guess the routine went pretty ok"

 

[aksaunders]

Keep being supportive. All the great athletes (in any sport) push themselves harder than their coaches and are never satisfied with their game, skills, etc. This is a good thing if managed properly so unless you see it becoming an unhealthy obsession, I wouldn't worry about it.

 

[trampolinemom]

Thank you all for your replies. I think it really helped me think more clearly about it. Funny thing is that a period of not being satisfied is now followed by a number of new skills acomplished and an extraordinary clean routine performed last synchronised competition (for trampolinists he got an 8.6 average for execution, with 3.0 difficulty ) He was satisfied about this routine.

The same competition he performed a 4.7 difficulty routine with an execution of 7.6 average which is really ok and earned him first place but he wasn't satisfied with that. He told me he could do better. So it's not about placing at all for him but about being at his personal best.