Parents Anyone gone through this...separation anxiety?

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KipNurse

Proud Parent
At the age of 9?
Tough kid on so many levels. Independent...strong student in school...hard worker in gym. Of course perfect in almost every way :) (kidding...)
But seriously...
Starting around March, the kid asks me to please not leave gymnastics. Ok...sure, I'll sit for 12/hrs week. That got old quick. But when I'd attempt to leave, inevitably would get a call from someone at gym saying DD c/o headache/stomachache...anxious/crying. So, I gave in.
We did switch gyms in July. She LOVES it...great kids/teammates (and side note, even in school, my DD doesn't have ONE bff...lots of good little buddies...just pointing out that she's pretty independent and easy to adapt with other kiddos). The new teammates have been soooo sweet/encouraging. Loves the new coach/coaches. But STILL...please don't leave. She promises I can leave "next week...on Friday...I"ll be ready". New gym she's training for 6/7 so there 16/hrs. My butt is quit stiff/sore as you can imagine. Thankfully I do have work to do, however I'd rather go to the coffee shop around the corner or run other errands.
But GOODNESS! I have breakdowns from time to time and tell her not sure this gymnastics gig is gonna work out. If this doesn't work for the whole family (i.e. Mom needs her sanity), this may not work at all. Gymnastics NOT our/her life. So, tell her she better get it together. These threats bring great tears....I Loooooove my gym. I'll let you leave soon...pleeeeaaase.
And oh, I've told her coach TRUST ME! I don't really want to be here...not CGM. Coach has been quite sweet...says they've seen this before. But tried yesterday to bail...just for a bit...BOOM..meltdown..stomachache...tears. Like anxiety attack. Sheesh...I don't have a ton of patience really as I don't want to coddle too much. Don't want her to be a snowflake who can't handle life.
Ok...I've rambled enough.Thoughts?
Has anyone gone through this? If so did it get better?
 
I think what I'd do is figure out which rotation is the one in which she feels the most comfortable and engaged and propose to your DD that you start there by leaving for 10 minutes. Then up the time until you're out for the whole rotation, and eventually go from there. Can she articulate why she is anxious if you are not there?
 
I think what I'd do is figure out which rotation is the one in which she feels the most comfortable and engaged and propose to your DD that you start there by leaving for 10 minutes. Then up the time until you're out for the whole rotation, and eventually go from there. Can she articulate why she is anxious if you are not there?
There have been comments she's concerned something will happen to me if she can't see me. A little bit of a vivid imagination...that I'm in a car wreck/kidnapped (sounds crazy I realize). She is a bit of a worrier. (I was too actually so I get it...I do). Former gym she used to worry what "mood" her coach was in (this was problematic for a couple of years...kind of an eeyore/sarcastic type for last 2 years...), and said she wanted to be able to see me if coach was in a bad mood. Just wanted me there? But isn't the case now. But I'll try that..thank you. Say 10 minutes...then build up. I need some patience I realize.
 
Poor girl and poor you. I would seriously consider finding a child psychologist or psychiatrist for her. Anxiety is something that can be treated through certain types of therapy, Cognitive Behaviour Therapy for one.

I also like the idea mentioned bout leaving for a short period of time and increasing the time gradually.

Good luck to both of you.
 
Yes, I've been there. My DD was diagnosed with Anxiety. The fear of something happening to a parent is crippling to some kids. I also suggest a child psychologist. My DD saw one when she was 9 and it changed her life. It helped me too because I learned new ways of talking about "worries" with my DD. It didn't take many sessions to train her brain to have a different approach.

ETA - My DD is 13 now and while she still has anxious tendencies, she is so much stronger mentally than she was a few years ago. She still applies the strategies that she learned during therapy.
 
I would seek professional help. My dd has generalized anxiety disorder as do I. Getting help managing those feelings at a young age will only help her later in life. Frankly, I feel like my dd's anxiety is a great part of what made her quit gymnastics at 13 and I feel like it started a somewhat unhealthy pattern where she just retreats from things that are challenging or stressful.
 
This does not sound normal. I also agree with you that it's not sustainable for you to always be at the gym. I agree about seeking professional help. While it shows up now during gym time, it sounds like something that could crop up in other areas of life too.
 
I agree about getting professional help. Some of us really do understand. I take care of a 9 year old. I do stay during gymnastics for a variety of reasons but she is a rec gymnast and trains few hours. We have a bigger issue at home. She refuses to be alone, anywhere ( unless she is watching tv or on the computer, these distract her). Aside from that, she won't be more than a few feet from someone she likes or trusts. Her 7 year old sister often needs to go with her to play, change clothes, etc, so the adult at home can do laundry, get dressed or even get the mail.

My girl is getting help and the family has a complicated past that they are working hard to come to terms .
 
At the age of 9?
Tough kid on so many levels. Independent...strong student in school...hard worker in gym. Of course perfect in almost every way :) (kidding...)
But seriously...
Starting around March, the kid asks me to please not leave gymnastics. Ok...sure, I'll sit for 12/hrs week. That got old quick. But when I'd attempt to leave, inevitably would get a call from someone at gym saying DD c/o headache/stomachache...anxious/crying. So, I gave in.
We did switch gyms in July. She LOVES it...great kids/teammates (and side note, even in school, my DD doesn't have ONE bff...lots of good little buddies...just pointing out that she's pretty independent and easy to adapt with other kiddos). The new teammates have been soooo sweet/encouraging. Loves the new coach/coaches. But STILL...please don't leave. She promises I can leave "next week...on Friday...I"ll be ready". New gym she's training for 6/7 so there 16/hrs. My butt is quit stiff/sore as you can imagine. Thankfully I do have work to do, however I'd rather go to the coffee shop around the corner or run other errands.
But GOODNESS! I have breakdowns from time to time and tell her not sure this gymnastics gig is gonna work out. If this doesn't work for the whole family (i.e. Mom needs her sanity), this may not work at all. Gymnastics NOT our/her life. So, tell her she better get it together. These threats bring great tears....I Loooooove my gym. I'll let you leave soon...pleeeeaaase.
And oh, I've told her coach TRUST ME! I don't really want to be here...not CGM. Coach has been quite sweet...says they've seen this before. But tried yesterday to bail...just for a bit...BOOM..meltdown..stomachache...tears. Like anxiety attack. Sheesh...I don't have a ton of patience really as I don't want to coddle too much. Don't want her to be a snowflake who can't handle life.
Ok...I've rambled enough.Thoughts?
Has anyone gone through this? If so did it get better?
I have some ideas for you. Please pm me.
 
This is the age that kids start to realize that horrible things can and do sometimes happen. So in a way it is normal. Yesterday did you tell her you were leaving for a bit or were you suddenly just not there? I would take it very slow and always tell her what will happen. i.e. when you go to beam, mommy is going to go fill the car up with gas and get a cup of coffee. But I will only be gone 15 minutes. Make sure you are back on time.

I imagine this will be a long process and maybe when school starts again and she handles being at school without you sitting there it will transfer to the gym setting.

Other than that - I would investigate if something has happened to her to give her this fear.
 
This is the age that kids start to realize that horrible things can and do sometimes happen. So in a way it is normal. Yesterday did you tell her you were leaving for a bit or were you suddenly just not there? I would take it very slow and always tell her what will happen. i.e. when you go to beam, mommy is going to go fill the car up with gas and get a cup of coffee. But I will only be gone 15 minutes. Make sure you are back on time.

I imagine this will be a long process and maybe when school starts again and she handles being at school without you sitting there it will transfer to the gym setting.

Other than that - I would investigate if something has happened to her to give her this fear.
 
This is the age that kids start to realize that horrible things can and do sometimes happen. So in a way it is normal. Yesterday did you tell her you were leaving for a bit or were you suddenly just not there? I would take it very slow and always tell her what will happen. i.e. when you go to beam, mommy is going to go fill the car up with gas and get a cup of coffee. But I will only be gone 15 minutes. Make sure you are back on time.

I imagine this will be a long process and maybe when school starts again and she handles being at school without you sitting there it will transfer to the gym setting.

Other than that - I would investigate if something has happened to her to give her this fear.

Thank you for the ideas/thoughts and thank you for pointing out the age and the fears! I actually spoke someone who I just found out was a counselor through a casual conversation. She said the same thing...and that something small can set a kid off too (her own daughter had lost her grandfather...). Or even something a kid may have said to her in school (maybe someone lost a parent...I know she worries a lot about divorce from other kiddos in her class) I have another friend with a daughter going through some similar issues (not a gymnast...a dancer. Wants her mom to stay whole time as well). As I said, my DD is fine in most other situations...gets on bus to school no problem, no tears in school. Confident there...which to me is a big relief as school is MOST important...we could give up the gymnastics gig...but she loves it so that would be a bit painful at this stage.
But I will investigate further. I have tried...I've asked a lot of questions. She was consistently "uncomfortable" around her previous coach. Her word...just didn't know "what mood" she would be in. That's kind of when this started I guess. But again, loves new ones. But she probably isn't 100% comfortable with them yet....hasn't even been a month so I have to keep that in mind. New place, new people..
Oh, another twist...If she goes with another kid to gym....like, say we carpool (Which we've RARELY done), and she knows I have to pick them BOTH up...she seems to handle it all better. Like, its a little amusing. She somehow thinks knowing I have to pick her and a buddy up ensures my return? Who knows...
I'm going to try the 10/15 minute deal. Thank you so much!
 
I am going to PM you. My 11 year old was so bad last summer that we went to a counselor.

Ican't PM you - please send me a message.
 
She's 9? Give it about 2 or 3 years and she won't want you anywhere near her. :rolleyes:

I agree with others here: start with short durations (1o minutes) and work up.
 
Given that she is fine with going to school on the bus, and not worried about you having an accident (or the like), I am thinking that she may be afraid that she will be stuck at the gym with no way home if something were to happen to delay you. You can talk with her about this - make sure she knows that even if there were ever a time when you couldn't pick her up, the gym has emergency contacts for others to pick her up, or her carpool buddy's parent will, etc.

However, I agree with the others that it is time to enlist a child psychologist. Anxiety is something you want to deal with early, not let it brew into something larger. If she is really concerned about you getting hurt or in an accident when you are not with her, then it will eventually spill over to other activities, particularly school, which will be very difficult to deal with. Helping her deal with it at this early stage will be much easier on everyone.

out of curiosity, when you stay, does she ever need to end practice early due to headache, stomachache, etc? If her anxiety is manifesting in physical complications, she may want you around 'just in case' she feels so ill she needs to go home and having you there provides the comfort that she can leave at anytime if she needs to, which calms her nerves and prevents the physical manifestations. I am not saying you should cater to it, but understanding the motives helps everyone develop a plan to resolve the issue.
 
Given that she is fine with going to school on the bus, and not worried about you having an accident (or the like), I am thinking that she may be afraid that she will be stuck at the gym with no way home if something were to happen to delay you. You can talk with her about this - make sure she knows that even if there were ever a time when you couldn't pick her up, the gym has emergency contacts for others to pick her up, or her carpool buddy's parent will, etc.

However, I agree with the others that it is time to enlist a child psychologist. Anxiety is something you want to deal with early, not let it brew into something larger. If she is really concerned about you getting hurt or in an accident when you are not with her, then it will eventually spill over to other activities, particularly school, which will be very difficult to deal with. Helping her deal with it at this early stage will be much easier on everyone.

out of curiosity, when you stay, does she ever need to end practice early due to headache, stomachache, etc? If her anxiety is manifesting in physical complications, she may want you around 'just in case' she feels so ill she needs to go home and having you there provides the comfort that she can leave at anytime if she needs to, which calms her nerves and prevents the physical manifestations. I am not saying you should cater to it, but understanding the motives helps everyone develop a plan to resolve the issue.
My husband says what you did...that she feels "stuck"...and in reality, I totally get that. 4 hrs/at a time especially now more than ever at a new gym is probably a touch scary for her. So yes, I'll need to ensure her of potential people for pickup. At other gym, we had more people she knew obviously as we had been there longer. But, again...still an issue at old gym. One time while I was there at new gym...she got legitimately sick (adjusting to new HARDER conditioning/longer hours/not eating/drinking enough) and she looked to me for comfort. But 99% of the time, no headache/stomachache when I'm there. But she has said in her own words what you mentioned...that she can leave anytime gives her comfort.
I may consider a less aggressive approach and head towards a therapist/counselor instead of a full on psychiatrist or psychologist. Thank you so much for your input!
 
I think there is more to it. Did she see a movie about a parent dying. Does she know a schoolmate or neighbor where a parent is extremely sick or has died..

That could be a factor. It if is a concern for personal safety, you should take her through the what ifs, with very defined plans.

If I were delayed picking you up, X,Y or Z would.

If you got hurt, they gym would call me. We would do a,b and c. Right up to potentially having to go to the hospital.

Sounds like she doesn't do well with unknowns, that is where the fear is. not knowing the "what ifs". So you and she do the "what ifs" togethet.
 
Is there someone at the gym that upsets her or makes her uncomfortable?

Given what you have said and how distressed she is when you leave, I wouldn't be leaving her until it's sorted out. Not even for 10 minutes. Whatever the reason, she clearly does not want you to leave and it's just upsetting her even more by doing so. I wouldn't be leaving knowing full well she would have an anxiety attack, that's really awful for adults, let alone a 9 year old.

Something is definitely going on with her, counselling ASAP is needed.
 
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I had this with my dd the year she was 6. Suddenly wouldn't be left, wanted me to stay, cried every session. Went on for months. I was so close to pulling her out.

Finally she said she was worried I would get stuck in traffic and not get back for her. She didn't know where this place was (we went a very round about back roads to get there) and thought it was a long way away.

Once I'd shown her maps, explained where it was and the different ways to get there. Told her which coaches had my number, what time other training groups were there to etc things improved a lot.

Just wondering as you say she is fine with a friend that that is part of it as she feels she won't be stuck alone.
 
We think we realized that some of my own daughter's issues started a weekend that her out-of-town grandma was here, and left sunday night, then monday her best gymmie friend had to quit, and she felt abandoned. We got her through some of it, but it kept resurfacing. Finally worked with a counselor for coping techniques.
 

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