WAG I know, I know, keep my mouth shut but remind me anyway

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Tigtimes

Proud Parent
I know the drill, keep my mouth shut. Don't ask. Don't pretend you are not asking yet try to lead conversation into the "don't ask" area. Don't casually ask other parents at pick up what they worked on. Turn the radio up loud on the way home. Ignore the sad faced child with head pressed to car the window for that never ending drive home. Try singing real loud off key when the silence is exhausting. Apologize for slipping and asking just that one time, oops. Try not to wish for the one millionth time she played soccer or badminton or chess. Stay off the crazy train. Know tomorrow that child, that insanely strong child sleeping with the stuffed animal will bounce back. I know, I know keep my mouth shut ...... It will be alright .....really it will......
 
I am sorry the practice was rough. There is nothing wrong with giving a hug and kind words. Then yes...let it go. I never ask. And because of her gym location, I am there (nowhere else to go and can only walk so many miles, lol) and I see the good, the bad, and the ever so very ugly. I never mention the latter two., and rarely comment on the good. Practice is over. And unless there is some stellar new trick, it isn't commented on to her. My DH gets to hear what I feel he can handle later, and he nevvver hears the very ugly.
 
I'm a gymnast. You sound like a wonderful mom. I'm not sure how old your dd is, but I'm a teenager, so it might be different. I don't like my parents to ask about practice... It's so frustrating for me to try and talk gymnastics to them, who barely know the difference between a beam and a bar. However, if your dd brings it up.... LISTEN, do not try and give advice about gym, unless she asks of course.
 
I think, when people say, "don't ask" they're referring to, "Did you work on X today? Did you make any? Did you get any closer to making any? Did your coach say when she thinks you might start doing X? Do you want to have a private lesson to work on X? Is Susie doing X? Is Sally? Have THEY had private lessons to work on X?"

If your daughter is clearly unhappy, I would ask. "You seem upset. What's up?" If she shuts you down, let her know you're there to listen if she wants to talk, and let it go. Unless this is happening many/most days when you pick her up, in which case it's time to get to the bottom of it. Everyone is going to have bad days but remember that this is supposed to be FUN!
 
I agree with Mary. If any of my kids came out of practice looking sad, and I didn't ask what was wrong, they would be even more upset. Don't ask about skills and stuff like that; but if they are visably upset you should absolutely say something like, "are you OK? Want to talk?"
 
Observing that your child looks sad and asking if s/he wants to talk about it is totally fine, as long as the child really understands that "no" is an acceptable answer to that question and will be respected.

Hugs to you. Sometimes it's really hard to be a gym parent!
 
There's definitely asking and asking. If my dd comes out looking down I ask if she is ok. I normally administer a hug and put food in her hand and once we are in the car and she has had chance to eat I will ask. I usually try and guess something silly to break the ice like "you look sad, don't tell me, you were struggling with your forward roll again". It still usually gets the right response and allows her to open up a bit easier.
You will know your dd best though. One rule rarely fits all. The rule of not talking gymnastics doesn't seem to have been explained to my dd and I still get the 'guess what' blow by blow account most days, whilst I'm trying to think what to do for supper. So if she is not talking somethings up!
 
I also agree with Flossyduck. I have 3 kids in this sport. 1 only wants to talk about practice if something annoys him or if he got or is close to a new skill. 1 wants to tell me any new skills, if she is annoyed about anything, and sometimes to talk about random practice stuff. My 3rd would be highly annoyed if she knows I know that she is working on a specific skill (she knows that I know since she previously told me) and I didn't ask a few times per week how things are going. All kids are so different!!
 
I know we aren't supposed to ask....BUT I'm her mom and there's absolutely nothing wrong with a bear hug and a "i love you so much!" My daughter used to get upset with me when I would ask. I just explained to her that I love her more than life & it hurts me more than she will ever know to see her hurt. I just want to make her feel better. She somewhat understood. We have an agreement now. If she comes to the car upset, she has to chat. If it's normal gym frustration, she has to leave it in the gym! Lol! I still get the occasional pre-pubescent 'ugh' and eye roll from time to time, but I'm selfish & I like to think momma' hugs and kisses still make her feel better. She won't admit it, but I know they do.
 
I always ask. Just like I ask "How was school?" when they get off the bus, I ask "How was practice" when I see them after practice. Depending on the mood I might ask a little more. I don't berate or nit pick. But I ask. It is my job as a parent to make sure my kids are ok. They need to know I care. I don't want them burying everything that is not healthy. If they don't want to talk I just tell them that I will listen if and when they are ready and leave it at that. There is a happy medium - you just need to find it with your child, because it will be different with everyone.
 
My kids wouldn't like it one bit if I instituted an arbitrary rule not to talk to them about anything, because of advice from a message board on the internet. I talk to them about everything, and gym doesn't take a pass. I don't do very much talking, personally, but I do a lot of listening. In fact, my ODD recaps every single practice, blow-by-blow, on the ride home every day. There never a need to ignore a child's sadness IMO. Hugs- I know we are all trying to do our best in an insane world.
 
I agree all kids are different. It would cause my dd more trauma if I saw she was upset and didn't ask. She also shares with me something about practice most days. I too simply ask "how was practice?" And that puts the power in her hands. She can immediately dump it all out or give me a two word answer, which I know her well enough to know means she's not ready to talk about it. In that case radio goes on and we drive home. Funny though, usually before we get home she will start talking on her own.

I often find that snuggling in bed before lights out is where she opens up the most. Yes, we still do that and although she wouldn't tell her friends so, she loves it. When she asks for that I know something is up and she needs to talk. Yes, we don't want to hound or force them to talk when they don't want to or ask about so many details that it puts more pressure on them, but I want my kids to come to me when things are tough or they need advice. They always know that I have their back, will be straight with them and that I will help them figure stuff out if they want that.

Hang in there. I have had that same ride home, her not wanting to talk and me gripping the steering wheel trying to sing to keep myself from blurting something damaging out. You are a great mom and it's ok to ask, just let her lead.
 
Can I say that I envy you a bit if your child stays silent about whatever upset her? Mine gets in the car and immediately starts a litany of what went wrong, what the coach did that upset her, what the other girl did that made her cry, how much extra conditioning the coach assigned because X girl did Y bad thing, how much she hurts because of it... And on and on for the entire ride home, while I am making dinner and into the dinner conversation. Which is frustrating enough (and gives me a massive headache), but what really eats at me is that it is generally things that I can't change. Yes, I know the coach doesn't allow talking during practice. You know that too, so yes, you got sent out when you talked. Yes, I know you were trying to help your friend. But you know the rule, you agreed to the rule, you declined the many offers to find a new gym... So what I am supposed to do? Yes, I know that the coach has favorites. You don't want to change gyms nor work hard enough to be the favorite. You just want to whine about it... And so forth and so on. Drives me nuts! Sorry -- rant over. But I do envy you!
 
You have to understand how many psycho parents us coaches deal with on a regular basis to appreciate some of the blanket advice that is given to parents. It sounds like things are not right with your daughter, so of course you should try to get to the bottom of it.
 
I ask. Not obsessively... But I ask. Same way that I check in about school.

That said, do I play 20 questions? No. I ask how practice was, in general. Then I ask for "bests and worsts" ... The bests and worsts don't have to be performance based. Sometimes a worst is simply "ugh, I forgot that I hate purple Gatorade and I had to drink it all day!" Note to kid: rinse out the water bottle and drink water, maybe?

Depending on how she answers the questions, I'll sometimes ask more. Most days she's excited and chatty and leads any discussion.

On bad days I don't prod, but i think it's important, as a parent, to be aware of them as I like to remind her that bad days happen to everyone, but they have no bearing on long-term outlook.

If she had multiple bad days in a row, I'd probably ask extra questions. This spring DD went through a rough patch with a teammate. She finally opened up about it after a week of quiet, we talked and then she confronted her teammate. Things are much better.

Taking can help... As long as we aren't cgm about it. And yes there can be a fine line.
 
Ok really no one needs to worry. I do not ignore my child, bad choice of words. She is happy. She knows we care. My silence is respect for the journey that is hers, not mine. She is an inward kid, needs to find the peace in the struggle between her mind and body on her own.

I remind her she is strong and brave even when she does not want to hear it. But I do my best to respect her need and desire for silence and sometimes it is hard. Oh and I pay for the ice cream, and silently thank the owner for the extra scoop as somehow even he knows the nights to say nothing, give the extra large and only charge me for the medium :)
 
When my daughter is upset about something happening at gym she usually talks more then normal with me. My kids have no problem with me asking how there day was at gym or school but I do ask for both because as a parent I want to know what is going on. My kids have always talked with me so it's never been a problem. I could not imagine my daughter being upset and me not asking what is wrong. I don't see anything wrong with asking.
 

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