Parents What to do...

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MILgymFAM

Proud Parent
... When you have a crier but a gym where crying is forbidden. My DD is someone who cries when she is frustrated/afraid/disappointed in herself. She is a perfectionist and a people pleaser. Add to it that she is very afraid of/intimidated by her coach, and it's a recipe for disaster. It makes it worse that she's also afraid she'll be kicked out for crying. Telling her to just not cry isn't helpful- I assure you it's the LAST thing she wants to do in practice. We aren't talking histrionics here, just the silent tear filled eyes that she fights to keep from falling. Any advice on how to help her channel her emotions differently?
 
Oh poor thing.

Is the coach approachable at all? Maybe they can come to an understanding that your DD can take herself outside for some fresh air when she feels the tears coming on? Not as punishment, but as a moment to let it all out in privacy, then go back in when she's feeling more calm and collected?
 
I have a crier. It's hard, I know. My DD goes for water when the tears start to flow until she gets herself together. Hopefully your DD is old enough that she can email coach ahead of time to let the coach know she'll need to do this. It will be better if it comes from your DD, most coaches expect a certain level of maturity/ independence from their athletes.
 
DD had a coach at our old gym that just didn't get her at all and my DD is a lot like yours. I don't understand how a coach can see a kid who is working through the tears, not letting them stop them from doing anything, and then get onto them. Do these coaches not realize that they aren't helping?

Of my 3 kids in gymnastics, I have seen 2 of mine cry at practice. It isn't frequent; but for both of them I have seen some tears in conditioning and for DD some tears when she is trying to push through a fear. In both situations the kids were pushing through and working hard despite the tears. I'm so glad that their current coaches don't get onto them for it. Their coaches seem to realize that the tears actually mean that they are working their butts off. Is there any way that you can talk to the coaches and get them to realize that as long as it is just some tears and she is still working that the best thing to do is ignore it?
 
This drives me nuts. Tears of fear or frustration are completely natural, especially in hormonal young girls! And every girl is different. Some will tear up more easily than others.

As long as the kid isn't getting hysterical, I don't see the problem with it. And, if the child wants/needs to step off the floor to gather their composure, then she should be allowed to do so.
 
No idea. One of the reasons my dd is leaving competitive this year.
Tears are never allowed. Nor understood. Or ignored.

For an overly emotional child (something that is a work in progress, she is over emotional and prone to outbursts) who cries when frustrated , hates having her tears acknowledged and gets too easily upset it's not the right environment for her.
Previous coaches and teachers once explained were great at usually ignoring it or letting her have a moment. And over the years she has improved so much.
 
I have a crier too (she gets it TOTALLY from me). DH just asked the other day to her "Why do you have to go right to tears??" She was frustrated over failing a quiz (my kid refuses to fail, so this was major). After she left, I said "You know she gets it from me". And he said to me "yeah, why do you always have to go straight to tears?" I said "I don't know - some people cry, some people throw things?" The answer is FRUSTRATION.

Regardless, something that has helped DD just recently, to deal with a less than warm&fuzzy coach, is this:
She's recently seen some insane video on youtube about llama, llama, llama, and then they throw a duck in there. Someone told me the analogy they told their daughter about letting it roll off their back like water off a duck, SO, I in turn told DD "Next time it's getting to you, and you're getting ready to cry, and take it personally, just think to yourself "Llama, Llama, Duck". I said "Of course, say it in your head, I don't want you walking around screaming DUCK, and having a coach think you're saying something else!" LOL!

She laughed for a moment, and didn't really take it seriously.

A couple days later, she said "I just kept saying in my head llama llama duck llama llama duck. And I made myself laugh".
A couple days later she asked if she could tell something else about llama llama duck.

So, as silly as it can be, it's a distractor in her head, that if she can take a moment and formulate the words llama llama duck in her head, she can take a quick breather and re-focus.

Here it is, just in case you're desperate enough to follow the advice of someone who laughs at llamas and ducks ;)
 
Thanks guys. The problem is that he always wants to talk about the fact that one has to control their emotions every time it happens rather than let her step out. Last night she hit her ankles hard enough on the bars to bruise both of them. She freaked herself out, but was more afraid he would kick her off bars than of what she did. She never balked or anything. When he called her over is when she teared up. The last time is when she had to ask him for a minute break at the end of conditioning (she's under the weather and thought she might throw up). She was so afraid he would be mad that she had to ask that she teared up. He has told me he will change her sensitive ways but I'm not sure that's possible- I'm still sensitive and she's a lot like me. He has said very clearly that he thinks tears are weak and there is no place for weakness in his gym. I'm gonna check out the llama video now.
 
Im sorry but I would be making the coach cry about now.........these are kids......he is a coach.....kids cry, and YES they should quietly step out and get it together, and once composed should be able to go back in WITH NO ISSUE.
If your child does not want to talk about it, which would be very normal....kids take time to sort out feelings and that is GOOD.......and the coach may not be the right person to talk to right away. The age of the child makes a big difference.....younger kids dont want to talk to their coach about their deepest darkest fears......Even older girls cry, and those girls do talk to the coaches....
I have seen EVERY one of the girls cry at one time or another, while working through some tough skills......45 girls level 3-10, ages 6-17....

I dont know, but I would not like that approach at all.......kids cry......adults cry.....boys & men cry...and in a lot of cases you can feel relieved by crying. it is a tension reliever....
its THE WAY you cry that matters.....
weakness in the gym??? im sorry but unless you have a kid who is crying to manipulate, I would say let the tears fall where they may....
your poor little one must feel so bottled up and scared.
 
He has said very clearly that he thinks tears are weak and there is no place for weakness in his gym. I'm gonna check out the llama video now.

It's silly -but as a distractor, it helps for my daughter.

Of course, I will say, I really hate when a coach decides "across the board" that tears always mean weakness. Maybe for someone who is on the fast track with majorly high power coaches, in the sense that the coach doesn't have an extra minute to let a child compose herself. But for the most of us, this sport is supposed to be an addition to their lives, not BE their life. And sensitivity is also part of some of their lives.
 
He has told me he will change her sensitive ways but I'm not sure that's possible- I'm still sensitive and she's a lot like me. He has said very clearly that he thinks tears are weak and there is no place for weakness in his gym. I'm gonna check out the llama video now.

Oh goodness -- that sounds like my father. Seriously if that is his approach I think I would consider a gym change if possible. Let's just say that it will be much cheaper than the years of therapy this has resulted in for me. And I still have trouble expressing emotions -- my husband knows that if I tear up it is something extremely major. And if I get hurt, since I never cry then, it actually takes some doing to get medical folks to realize that yes, I really am hurt badly. Of course, I assume that the coach won't take the approach my father did to "teach me not to cry like a weakling", but I still think this is really very damaging to a child's spirit. It is basically saying "I don't approve/like/respect who you are." And who wants to hear that all the time from someone they are supposed to be trusting?
 
I'm sorry but I agree with considering a gym change if the coach won't change his ways. I realize gymnasts have to be tough and cannot run around crying all the time, but they are children. And trying to change who a child is isn't the role of a gymnastics coach! Good lord, Simone Biles said she cried at the last selection camp....does he need to change her personality too??
 
This whole thing highlights how different sisters can be. My YDD rarely cries and dislikes displays of emotion in general. She's been known to do a happy dance, but otherwise is completely outwardly level.
 
No idea. One of the reasons my dd is leaving competitive this year.
Tears are never allowed. Nor understood. Or ignored.

For an overly emotional child (something that is a work in progress, she is over emotional and prone to outbursts) who cries when frustrated , hates having her tears acknowledged and gets too easily upset it's not the right environment for her.
Previous coaches and teachers once explained were great at usually ignoring it or letting her have a moment. And over the years she has improved so much.
This is so sad, and really bothers me. Are there ANY other options out there for her, or has she made her peace with it? Grrr...
 
Ugh. Is there any hope of getting coach to consider just ignoring her tears as "the best way to get her to stop" since (like most of us) being called out on crying makes the crying worse instead of better?

Our gym is also a no-cry zone (for the most part, unless you a injured of course), but the coaches are good to ignore watery eyes or a few escapee tears if the girl (or boy) is attempting to hold it in and continues to work and isn't sobbing. The coach proceeds as business as usual unless a girl actually loses it. Then she is asked to take time to compose herself and come back when she's ready. This approach has helped my daughter with the occasional watery eye (out of self-frustration/big goof up on a skill) to get past crying and move on. Calling her out on crying would make her sob (and just about anyone else!).

"Duh", Mr. Coach at Your Gym!

I guess in reflection, perhaps I'd call our gym a "No Sobbing Zone" instead of a No Cry Zone....

Sorry she is dealing with this. I'm a crier, too. So were BOTH my parents. I hate that your daughter is being made stressed over a natural physiological reaction that she is otherwise handling well.
 
Depends why they are crying. I have a couple of kids that cry if you have an extended conversation with them, so.... we all keep it short! :) Other than that, go get a drink of water and come back pretending that you are not crying. lol.
 
Depends why they are crying. I have a couple of kids that cry if you have an extended conversation with them, so.... we all keep it short! :) Other than that, go get a drink of water and come back pretending that you are not crying. lol.
CoachP, sounds like you handle this situation well. Sounds like the Coach in the OP kicks kids out for crying and also does not allow the girl to just take the quick break that would probably allow her to get her composure.

OP, maybe suggest that your dd talk wot the coach whens eh is not upset, about needing to just take a quick break when she this that frustration point. That she does not want to cry but it is how her body responds to the overwhelmed feeling.
 

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