How do you foster a good relationship w coach

[Carmansunshine]

This is a question for coaches and parents. As you may know this is a real issue for me because of recent events. I was kicked out of a gym but not really sure why. I think it was because I asked questions, but am not totally sure. Anyway after the issues my oldest dd had with the coaching staff at her first gym (a coach that was sarcastic and demeaning) and being demoted from team back to level 1 at the second gym (even though she did move back to level 3 in 4 months and made great progress all around, she was told she would never make the team at that gym because of her size.)(One of my questions and probably the one that got us kicked out). Anyway she seems a little gun shy about showing off her skills, and is only doing the skills she is asked to do and not all she is capeable of. The gym seems open to the girls doing the skills they have. The training is very individualized in the group she is in but she says she is to scared to say she can do a cetian skill and won't just do it because she thinks she would get in trouble.(I don't think she would because they are still getting to know her.) I am not sure how to proceed. I really feel this is a place that would boost her confidence as well as let her do more skills if they knew she had the ones they are working on. I want the coach to be the one who know more about her strengths and weekness than I do, instead of the other way around. I love to watch her and support her completely, but have been the only one to believe in her for so long I need the person coaching her to be a fan of hers and to know what they can expect her to do. We have never had a coach who really believed in her. I think this one has the potential, she seems to care about each kid as an individual. I was thinking of asking for a private for the coach to just test her skills, what do you think? Any other suggestions?

[Mac]

Since you asked for suggestions--relax and let the coach coach. Don't stress over every breath she takes and every move she makes. And if she's too scared to speak up about something, then it might be time for her to learn how to speak with a coach/teacher, or accept the results of not doing it. It's a good lesson and life skill.

It will also be good for her to grow beyond Mom or Dad injecting themselves into every circumstance, just as it is useful for parents to learn to back off and keep things in perspective. Find coaches you trust and then give them the space to do their jobs without interference and without special requests. That stuff can wear on the coaches and stress the kids, most of whom don't want that kind of attention drawn to them. A good coach can see the big picture.

[hammy]

Great advice Mac! I can't help you too much with the whole parent-coach relationship aspect, but as a coach I love it when my girls talk to me about life and gymnastics. As far as talking to the coach, I suggest talking to your daughter and the two of you come to a decision on who will talk to the coach. It is important for your daugther to realize the importance of creating her own relationship with her coach; which is why I think it would be a good idea for your daugther to talk to her coach.

A private lesson might not be a bad thing; however I feel that it is vital for a gymnast to show their skills in multiple settings (one on one and in a group).

Not to offend anyone, but a gymnast's career is mainly between the coach and the gymnast, with some parent involvement (such as support and encouragement). As a coach, I don't really appreciate parents "coaching from the sidelines," and I feel that in time the gymnast will demonstrate the skills they are capable of performing.

Like Mac said, find coaches that you trust and give them the space to do their jobs---that's why they're coaches.

[Carmansunshine]

I would love my dd to have that kind of voice, but she doesn't . I am that parent who looks nuts because her 9 yr old won't leave her side. Its not that I don't try to boost her confidence and social voice, it is just a struggle for her. It's not something I can fix or force her to do. She has to be willing.I want the coach to get to know her and be the one she counts on. I think that would be fantastic. That was my original question. My dd gets nervous in a group of her peers when she is trying to get to know an adult. How can I help that happen? If my dd wont make the first steps is it a good idea to have a private just to help them get more aquainted? I don't want to get the rep of being a parent looking for special treatment. But after reading all the posts here , I see how important it is for the gymnast to rely on there coach as much if not more than their parents. I do not coach form the side lines. I just watch, and chat about anything but gymnastics with all the other mothers in the waiting area.(I don't want to get caught up in Gym politics.) I am really having a hard time trusting any coach after all the ones I have met in our short gym experience. I get a good vibe from this coach and trust her as much as I can. (but my opinion has been way off more than its been on) I have a tendency to see the best in everyone, a blessing and a curse.

[Mac]

Quote:
If my dd wont make the first steps is it a good idea to have a private just to help them get more aquainted?

I don't think so. That's you stepping in to solve her problem. You can't force it. It takes time for a coach to understand how to reach and teach a child. Give the coach a chance. Allow them that time. There's no rush, right?

I think that 95% of a parent-coach relationship should be about setting goals for the gymnast—the coach defining the goals and the parent nodding and asking questions—and determining a timeframe in which to check progress against those goals. I wouldn't put my child somewhere without having that talk, whether the goals relate to skills, sociability, competition, or other. But after that, you have to let it go and not micro-manage the steps towards those goals, assuming you trust the coach/teacher.

[Carmansunshine]

See how nieve I am. And why my judgement is off. I never had that kind of open relationship with any coach my dd has had. Its been more like the coach/ owner saying "please give me the money and I do what I can with your dd." And me saying "OK here is my life savings, and I'll just sell a kidney if you need more, can I just get a reallistic view of where my dd is and is this a sport she can do well in?" Then the coach saying "Depends on how quiet you are willing to be while I yell and berate you kid in front of the whole team, while you still pay." Ok maybe they didn't say that to my face, but that was the actions they took. I never had a goal setting conversation with any coach, They have always given the impression that was their thing and in trying to ask stuff like that was taboo.

[Ingymmom]

I am not sure with all coaches, but it seems that many of them are weary of parents asking too many questions - not based on actual experience, but intuition & just from what I have read in different forums...

For our coaches it just took Time to develop the relationship - once they felt that I trusted them, they could develop more of a committment to my dd, which in turn enabled her to trust them completely as well... I did most of my research online to understand the process better and avoided asking them questions (believe me, this gymnastics stuff can be tough to understand LOL)- if they needed to speak to me they would simply stop me when I picked my dd up .... I am so happy I took the time I did to get involved in the beginning though because once summer came & hours increased I could drop off/pick up more often - she felt comfortable and I felt comfortable. BUT, If I would have had red flags go off during the times I stayed to watch, I would have asked questions as well Carman. If I did have a concern (I only had one regarding free weights) , dd's coaches addressed it with no problem. As you know that last ? I asked (my one and only to the sub) also resulted in a boot. I certainly do not regret asking because raising our children is THE single most important job we will ever have in our lifetime and any program that does not understand that has no place for our children. Hopefully now that you are in a gym where you feel more comfortable your trust for the coach will grow and in turn your dd's will as well - confidence is such a very important part of any sport & with that trust the confidence should foster as well...

[gym law mom]

Your dd may very well be quite shy about showing a skill that isn't asked for since she's had some bad experiences in other gyms. Don't force showing all the skills she can do to the coach right away. Sit down with your dd and discuss how she feels at this new gym, with a new coach you seem to have some confidence in etc. She's 9, so she should be able to give you some pretty decent answers. If she says she likes it, is comfortable and wants to stay then I think you have to let her know, that this is her sport. You will support her as much as is reasonable, but gymnastics is about working with a team and a coach(with proud moms/dads in the background) and now is a great time for her to learn that and grow in the sport.

I would not do a private lesson at this point. Don't know how much you told the coach when you checked this gym out, but you might want to have a short talk with her about your dd and your observations of her. A good coach may have already picked up on the reluctance to form any kind of relationship, do skills not asked for etc. It could take months before she feels totally at ease with the whole idea of team gymnastics and everyone just needs to be patient. She may just be waiting for the other shoe to drop and doesn't want to let her guard down---she's been hurt already.

If you feel this gym is the right fit, then show her your confidence and start leaving during practices or not staying at all. Tell you'll stay for 1st 1/2 or 2nd 1/2--her choice. Or maybe pick one practice you'll stay for and skip another. She may just come around by seeing mom doesn't feel this is a bad place or she wouldn't leave.

[audra]

Although I agree with a lot of what has been said, I disagree with the strong feelings that a Private lesson would not be beneficial. If your dd is shy in front of the group a PL can help build trust with the coach and give her more confidence. It is also a chance for your daughter to speak to the coach one on one where she may not be intimated because her peers are not there. It is a great way for her to learn to communicate with the coach. I would recommend that you allow her and the coach to decide what it is to be worked during the lesson and watch from a distance. I see no harm in something that could build a stronger relationship and give your dd more confidence.

[GymMom68]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Carmansunshine This is a question for coaches and parents. As you may know this is a real issue for me because of recent events. I was kicked out of a gym but not really sure why. I think it was because I asked questions, but am not totally sure.

I'm curious, if you think you were kicked out for asking questions, what questions were you asking?