Parents Daughter wants to quit

[Tuduri]

I never thought that I would have to entertain the possibility, but my daughter told me that she wanted to quit gymnastics. This was a few weeks ago and since then her coach has convinced her to finish this season, which would be her first level 10 season at the age of 14. But in spite of this, DD seems to grudgingly participate in practice. She also has had a sore right elbow ever since returning from the camp in Texas and she is using this as an excuse, legitimately or not, to not have to do some drills.

Don't get me wrong. DD, or Jamy, is no malingerer. She is the only one in our gym doing some E-skills and works as hard or harder as anyone else. But she definitely does not have as much enthusiasm as before. One cannot manufacture enthusiam if it is not there. But I worry about how she will do as a level ten when she is not enthusiastic about gymnastics.

We are addressing the sore elbow issue. We are cognizant of the fact that if Jamy is hurt, her health is more important than gymnastics. We did get X-rays of her elbow which were negative, though they show that Jamy's growth plates(in both elbows though only one is sore)have not yet fused. She is said to have 'Little Leaguer's Syndrome' from overuse, which I assume occurred at the camp where they did 4 hour workouts twice a day. Jamy has only been doing about 24 hours a week, so she might not have been used to this. We are getting an MRI this coming Monday and seeing a sports medicine orthopedist(Dr Brody at the SOAR clinic in the SF Bay Area)the following day. I am praying that she can re-hab the elbow without sitting out for ten weeks as the first orthopedist advised.

Jamy just had a tremendous level nine season and we are very optimistic about a sports scholarship if Jamy were to continue gymnastics. Jamy is also a straight A student in high school. It is hard for me to talk to her about all this. But I can't help but to be anxious, as Jamy could be throwing away the chance to receive a scholarship to an elite private school which could top 50 grand a year, something I could not afford. And I hope that Jamy will not have to be burdened with student loans, etc. But don't we all....

Jamy's coach, Abra, told me two years ago that the age of 14 was the must difficult year because that was when higher level gymnasts were most likely to leave the sport. It's the hormones that come with puberty, she explained. It's just hard for me to accept. We have two girls that are graduating this year. Both are level nines and very smart. But I don't know if they'll compete in college. I don't know what kind of feed back Jamy is getting from them. I hope that Jamy can meet some gymnasts from Cal or Stanford(who are nearby) that might stimulate her enthusiasm. We are scheduled to meet the Stanford team next week and the Berkeley team sometime in the near future. My two nieces who were gymnasts at Cal live too far away to help Jamy out.

We are having out intra-squad meet this Saturday at our gym, West Valley in Campbell. I am not sure Jamy can or will even compete. We go to the Lady Luck meet in Las Vegas in a month and the WOGA Classic in two months. I am so worried..

Forgive my rambling, but I had to vent a little bit.

Julio Garcia,

Jamy's dad

 

[Tumblequeensmom]

I am so sorry to hear this!!! It is so hard for us, as parents, who watch our girls devote hours to this sport and then one day just decide that they don't want to do it any longer. Let me rephrase, the girls honestly don't just one day decide to quit. Usually, by the time they vocalize that, they've already thought about it for awhile. It's tough, but life does go on. Jamy will do just fine no matter what she ends up doing. She has developed a strong sense of discipline and a great work ethic that will get her through no matter what college she chooses to attend... whether college scholarship (for academics maybe) or not. And in all honesty, there are many more options for academic scholarships too. But I'm sure you're well aware of all of that!!!

As you state, if her enthusiasm and motivation are not there, you definitely do NOT want her to be performing skills and only be half hearted about it.... Heaven forbid she suffer a devastating injury!!

14 does seem to be the "magic" age. That's when my DD decided she wanted to quit (she went to prep op for a year). One of her high school teammates quit after 2 very successful years at L9 at 14 too. She was well on her way to L10. Sometimes we just gotta take the punches life gives us and roll with it.

I really do hope Jamy changes her mind after her elbow is sufficiently rehabilitated, but if she doesn't it truly is not the end of the world. It just feels like it right now. Keep us posted!

 

[flipper's fan]

Hang tight- lots of things will change over the coming year. It is a tough year for girls when they are 14. There is a lot of allure to a "normal " high school life, and coupled with discomfort and unhappiness it can be overwhelming. Keep helping her think of reasons to continue in gymnastics, keep her focused on her future, and try to build in some time for normal activities. Good luck!Also, help her with milestones and commitment- such as try to make it to ( insert any event here) and then we can re- evaluate whether you want to continue. I know you know all of this- I support you in your efforts.

 

[gym law mom]

I know you mentioned several months ago that Jamy didn't seem to have the enthusiasm for the sport anymore and you hoped the camp at Karolyis would light that fire. As much as you support her and can see possible benefit in a college scholarship, if she doesn't want it and she doesn't have the passion, there is nothing you can do. You can't give her passion.

The elbow injury didn't just happen at the ranch---its really an injury that devleops over time. I would take it 1 step at a time and get the answers to the physical problem. If she has to sit out then some of the decision for this year has been made. I have a 14 yo too and it is a very tough age. They're looking for their own identity and some may not want to see themselves as "gymnasts." At this age and in her frame of mind I wouldn't push meeting college teams unless she seems interested. She may likely see it as you pushing her to remain in the sport.

I agree with TQM that is she is just dragging herself through practice, I would not want her in the gym trying to do L10 skills. Risk of injury is great and it could force a real splt in the family dynamics.

With all that said, we're thinking of you. Let us know what the ortho says.

 

[BlairBob]

1. She was just in the big leagues and that was probably quite unsettling.

2. Sounds like she got burnt out from camp. You can't all of a sudden change your training schedule and expect to be worth a darn.

3. 14 is a magical age, but I generally state that it starts at 6th grade, is in drive by 7th and full speed by 8th as they look towards high school. The amount of social life you end up missing sort of ramps with those ages.

4. The elbow or her body may just need some downtime from camp.

L9's? Hard to say. Sort of depends on their skillsets, where they are looking to go and if they are specialists.

 

[Bobby]

My girls are beginners so I don't want to pretend to understand from a parents POV, although I think I can imagine I'd similarly want to discourage my DD from a hasty decision if she ever reached that sort of level!!
Sounds like a great idea for Jamy to meet some college gymnasts who are where she could be in future so she gets their perspective.
I wonder if she ever gets to spend any time with little ones starting out - to also get some perspective on just how far she's come? I know my 6 y/o goes slightly nuts when she meets a top level gymnast - and I suspect it must be nice for the subject of her adoration to bask in the attention a bit!!
Is it possible to maybe 'string her out' just a little bit by negotiating slightly reduced training/meets/etc to see if surviving the age with fitness intact puts her in a position to retract her retirement several months down the track??
I'm not suggesting coercion - just keeping her options open? I was only a little older when I quit, and I'm slightly regretful of leaving so early. But my poor parents breathed such a loud sigh of relief ($$!!) that I felt I couldn't change my mind. In retrospect I probably really did need to stop due to injury ... but it doesn't sound like Jamy's in nearly so severe??
I wish your family every ounce of luck for finding your way.
PS: I did find myself wondering if she picked up a bit of a distorted image of training requirements from the camp which really turned her off??

 

[Tumblequeensmom]

At this age and in her frame of mind I wouldn't push meeting college teams unless she seems interested. She may likely see it as you pushing her to remain in the sport.
.

... that is sooo true at this age. I know if I even ASK DD how practice went (she just returned to L7 after a year of Prep Op) she just kind of rolls her eyes and calls me a "crazy gym mom." She is 15 now and tends to see anything that I view as "supportive" as me just pushing her. So I really back off. At these ages, the desire to continue w/this sport really does need to be fueled from within.

 

[Granny Smith]

Julio,

I can feel your pain through your email. Jamy is a very, very talented amazing gymnast, a bright student and sounds like an all-around great girl.

As a parent of a 14 year old gymnast too I can only tell you what I would do if put into the same position. Now my dd is a level 9 gymnast, who of course I feel is very talented (a little biased, I know ) and could definitely do gymnastics in college with the slight potential of scoring some type of scholarship if she were capable of continuing on the same path she is currently on (I know there are no guarantees, I understand the reality of the situation.)

At this point she has come too far to just walk away, under the circumstances that your dd is in. She can not walk away while she is injured. That is not the way to leave the sport. (I am not saying that no one can leave due to an injury but this is one that she can recover from.) She should take the time to recover from her injury and only leave when she is a 100% healthy. This will give her plenty of time to really think things through because at this point is the frustration of the sport coming from the injury or truly because she doesn't want to do it anymore.

I just want to say once again, that this is how I would handle the situation with my child. She 14, she's a teenager who's mind is constantly changing. The sport that she has put 10 yrs of her life into and has also had her family commit to through time and money is not going to be ended on a whim decision which teenagers so often make.

Will my child ever leave the sport, I don't know, maybe, but if that day were to ever come it will definitely be without any regrets.

 

[taximom]

Julio,

I also sense your desire to make the decision for what is best for your daughter. I do not have a magical answer but please know the CB community is supporting you during this time of indecisiveness.

My daughter does not have at hand the potential opportunities that are available for yours, but yet I know that when the time comes to give up gymnastics it will be difficult for me in some aspects.

If your daughter does decide to move on from gymnastics please hold on the life lessons she has learned from her many hours in the sport. She will maintain her confidence, perserverance, willingness to try new things, dedication, organizational skills, strong work ethic, independent work habits and ability to be a strong team member.

In the meantime I'm hoping for quick healing to her elbow, and perhaps a small amount of time off to heal will reignite her passion for gynmastics.

Best of luck as you and your family move through this time....keep us posted....and thanks so much for sharing so honestly.

 

[Optionals United]

Julio,
I just wanted to add something from a gymnats point of view. You said that she wanted to quit before she went to camp, that you thought camp would relight that fire. Camp might of burned her out. Also is their reasoning behind her wanting to quit? Is she having trouble with a new skill(scared), having trouble with teammates or coaches, or does she just want to be a regualr teenager. It sounds like Jamy doesnt want to quit but slow things down a little.
You guys should make some goals for short term like doing something at practice, doing good on a test, ect. I Second the idea of maybe brining her in for like a pre-school or level 1 class and helping out. SHe might find a new fire from doing something like that. Also I would try to find some time to do regualr teenage things. Like go to church youth group, go out with firneds, watch a movie, ect. Jamy most likely feels like she is missing out on that. Another thing you could think about is is her training to stressful on her. You guys might want to think about lessening her hours to 20 instead of 24 allowing time for her to do other things. Or doing less meets.
Injury is a time when lots of thought can sink in. So after you guys find out what is wrong with her arm, allow her to do some of those things thta she cant because she is at gym all the time.i also second the not going to see college level gymnast, because it might make her feel like she has to do this and she has to do college gym.

If worst comes to worst maybe think about taking the season off less intesify her workouts adn making them less stressful. That is just a thought. I hope you were able to get at least a couple useful tips out of here

 

[bookworm]

Well that's too bad about your daughter but what you have to realize and take to heart is that it is HER sport...no amount of wishing or cajoling or bargaining with you or her coaches will "reignite her fire"...and that's ok if that's how she wants it. If she truly does not want to continue with at least club gymnastics, you might want to see if she wants to try high school gymnastics as that seems to be less pressure and with her skill level , she's be the star of the HS league...might it reignite her passion? maybe, maybe not.

But then again if she wants to quit totally because that's what she wants to do, I don't think it is fair to her to dangle the college scholarship as a motivator because when you think about it, she's a freshman so you' re basically saying to her, you have to do this for 8 more years!! (4 of HS, 4 college) and that's a long time if you want out now...given the amount of years she's been doing it , it would be unfortunate, but it's not the end of the world and life will go on...there are many girls who get to JO Nationals, Classic and even VISAs and then they decide they're done with the sport for whatever reason so it happens...

As for the elbow, "Little League Elbow" ( or to use the technical term osteochondritis dessicans) is no small injury...my daughter had that and it had to be surgically repaired and she was out for a season in order for it to heal properly. There have been a couple of girls in our gym with the same injury who have tried the "rest it" route but when they get back to the workouts like they are used to it flares upagain and they eventually needed the surgery. Girls who came back early in the recovery process to"condition" (read: train anyway when you shouldn't) have not regained full mobility of the affected limb and one needed a redo of the surgery so take all the time needed to recover.

I feel like I'm sounding like Debbie Downer in my post but having been around this sport for so long, that's how I see it...and I would want someone to be honest with me if I were in your shoes...

 

[Gymdad2]

I agree with bookworm and gymlaw. We parents have to learn to let our growning children make their own decisions, even though we may not always agree with their choices. Our dds give a lot to this sport and when they leave it, they take much with them. I'm sure this is true for your dd.
Good luck to her however she decides.

 

[cher062]

I agree with bookworm and gymlaw too. I think its harder for us parents sometimes to let go than it is for the gymnasts. Lets face it the gymnasts arent the only ones with lots of hours devoted to this. We parents have lots of time and support given too.

It really sounds like your DD needs a break and maybe with highschool now in the mix (that is the age of 14) and seeing the social things she is missing she wants to try new things. She may actually consider a HS sport that could give her those same sports scholarships you are hoping for. With Straight A's there will be academic scholarships too. My son was a gymnast and at 16 he dislocated his Kneed cap and that was the end of his competition career as a gymnast. he became a coach of the L4-5 team at the same gym and loved it. He was an A-B student with an Eagle Scout Award and lots of great recommendations from his teachers etc. Both of these things got him a 4 year full scholarship. the tuition is paid in full the only monies we had to come up with was dorm, food and books. Still was 15,000 more each year but that was doable.

I don't know if 14 is the magic age or if its going to High School that causes the kids to re-think what they are doing. But you need to listen to her. Her coach has spoken with her and she has agreed to finish the season. that tells me that she still loves it enough to stay but maybe she is feeling left out of her social life and wants to try new things.

 

[kristilyn73]

Julio,

What a troubling time for you.. I can hear the pain in your post. I bet it is very tough.

My DD is 15 and a 1st year L9. She is still very much in love with the sport. There has been one time only where she said she wanted to quit. It was after her first year of L7. Her coach was pushing really hard for her to go L8. She wasn't getting the skills and basically started to shut down. DH & I talked to her and asked her "why do you have to go to L8?" That was the light bulb.. after that she completed a 2nd year of L7 and all was well.

Beetle sounds a lot like Jamy, she was worried about how she would do in L8? she didn't feel prepared, she is some what of a perfectionist. Is it possible that Jamy is worried about moving to L10? Especially after a really amazing year of L9?

Just a thought.

 

[Tuduri]

I appreciate everyone's input and advice. We are getting an MRI on Monday and will see a sports medicine orthopedist the following day. Jamy's health is more important to me than anything else.

Jamy is a pretty strong willed individual. I know it would be counter-productive for me to push her where she doesn't want to go. Jamy and I rarely talk about gymnastics per se. Her coach is the one that convinced her to complete this season. Jamy has ambivalent feeling about the sport. Her coach suggested that she do a couple of no-pressure level nine meets. But Jamy refused, saying she wanted to do level ten. The doctor's advice will dictate what we do in the future.



I like the idea of Jamy helping out with some lower level girls. She has a 'team sister' who is a level four who adores Jamy.

I don't think that Jamy would want to do 'prep-op', or highschool gymnastics, as she refuses to repeat level nine. Our gym actually has a prep-op squad that trains at the same time as the Optionals, just less hours.

Jamy's coach convinced Jamy to complete this season by suggesting that it was imprudent to make a 'rash' decision about something that she'd invested so much of her life into. She suggested that Jamy wait until the end of the season to decide. Also, she underlined the advice above that it is not wise to make such a decision while one is injured. Additionally, she advised Jamy to look at herself from the outside, to try to understand that she is an evolving 14 year old girl, that some of her feelings stem from this period of maturation with all the hormone dynamics, etc, etc. Jamy is pretty prococious and I think that she is weighing all of this in her mind.

Whether or not Jamy continues gymnastics, she is still a very smart girl and I'm confident she'll go to a good university. And it is good for me as a parent to be able to write about this and be able to screw my head on right....It is theraputic. And I thank you all for indulging my insecurities.

Good luck to all your girls(and boys)this coming season.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and Happy New year.

Julio Garcia,

Jamy's dad

 

[bpatient]

If you hope to secure a (Stanford!) scholarship for Jamy, you might wonder if she’ll be more likely to achieve it if she takes the time to fully recover from what seems like a chronic overuse injury and to recharge her batteries than if you choose to go with the quickest possible return to full participation from among those medical options recommended to you and she then continues to train in the same manner that hurt her. Realistically, her growth plates will close soon and she’ll be able to train in the future with a reduced chance of reinjury, she’s well ahead of most kids who seem to be in the scholarship hunt, and she’ll be a fine level 10 a year from now—if she doesn’t leave the sport. If my child was in this situation, I hope (but I'm not sure) that I’d let her make the decision, knowing that in six months she’d be certain that she wanted to return to the sport or instead to invest her considerable energy and talent in another option.

You might be interested in a book titled Until It Hurts: America’s Obsession with Youth Sports and How It Harms Our Kids by Mark Hyman. The book was written from the perspective of a father whose son pushed himself and was pushed so hard that he ended up having Tommy John surgery and giving up his dream of pitching in college. You may find that nothing in the book applies to your particular situation, but it’s still an interesting read for parents whose kids train long hours, year around, from a young age.

 

[Mariainlv]

Julio,

I know little of high level gymnastics and even less of how to raise a teen ager but your post struck me. I have to say, Kudos to you. Jamy clearly has a loving, involved dad and I think you are doing a good job. I hope the coming months are easier and the Dr gives some good news.

Maria

 

[Tuduri]

Thank you all for the sound advice. All this has helped me clear my head.
Jamy's health is the preeminent issue.

Julio Garcia,
Jamy's dad

 

[bogwoppit]

Julio,

Sorry I am late to the thread, but my computer has been a bit whacky today. I really feel for both you and Jamy. MY very own beloved 14 year old stopped gymnastics in May this year. She had talked about stopping a little before xmas last year, but kept going and working hard, so I just ignored it. Then in January this year she said the fateful words "I don't want to do gym anymore". As she was part of a team of three (needed to go to finals here) and had three meets left to compete, I convinced her to finish the season. So she did her best, but her heart was not truly in it. She stopped gym in May and hasn't looked back.

She certainly paid her dues to gymnastics, she began as a three year old and began competing at age 7. But once her heart wasn't in it, I knew I had to let her stop.

On top of that we have just discovered that she has a stress fracture of her lower spine, so she would have been taking a break anyway. She has found other things she loves to do and is very happy. She is still the girl she always was, hardworking A student in school, has the same friends and is busy. She keeps fit her own way and in her own time.

I knew that when she stopped there was a good chance she wouldn't go back, I have to say it bothers me less and less with every passing day. I see the great person she is, and I know that gym has brought great things into all our lives. So no regrets at all, for doing gym or letting her stop when she felt she had run her marathon.,

I know this is a very tough time, 14 year olds are a very special breed and they have so much going on inside their heads and bodies. Try to let her take the lead a little and see where it takes her. She has already proven herself to be a hard worker, talented and bright, these things will pass into all areas of her life, even if she never steps foot in a gym again.

Whatever you decide to do, we will be here for you, because we will all be in your shoes one day and we all stand to learn from your experience. Thanks for sharing.

 

[hunde2]

Julio,

sorry to hear about Jamie's struggle.It is not easy for a parent especially when your child has put so much of their time and effort into the sport and is so talented too.
I been though it as you know.Overuse injuries and coaches pushing her too much along with that magical age is what made her quit.
I also struggled with her being injured a lot and it took the fun out of doing gym for her.
I also had to except the fact that they have to make the decision themselves.
I don't want to be negative but you can not really count on a scholarship 100%. You never know what happens between now and then.One of the girls at K's old gym wants a scholar ship and has been injured on and off.She is a junior in high school.
I hope Jamie's elbow is fine and I also hope she makes the right decision for her.
By the way K is excite to see her former team mates today as they are having a practice meet.
She is concentrating know on track,pole vault and cross country.
I think it will be fun when she get's to High school.