Parents How do I get spouse to stay out of it?

[gymmomtotwo]

I am in a pretty big quandry now about what to do about an overinvolved father in non gymmie DDs sport. My youngest DD is my gymmie and probably will start competing in Fall 2014. So this is about a different sport, but the same principles apply. I have made requests of DH to:

1. Not watch all of DD's practices.
2. Not to analyze her every move.
3. Give her tips on a sport he knows nothing about (This was my sport, and I continually say to him "Let the coach handle it:
4. Criticize her performances when she doesn't do well

I have given him articles about how to be a good sports parent. He compares to other faster kids to her face. The list goes on and on. It's like a tutorial on how to be a terrible sports parent.

In his favor is he works hard at the club sponsored meets and is never a poor sport at a meet. The coaches would not pick him out as a crazy sports parent at all.

She loves the sport and her friends, but is never going to be a superstar. She works hard and has fun. It's more than enough for me.

But, I am seriously worried about her mental health down the road with how much he pushes, comments and criticizes. I am tempted at times just to pull all my girls from sports if this is the way it is going to be. My gymmie is actually pretty talented and loves gymnastics, but I can see this being a problem down the road. Has anyone had this, and what did you do?

 

[krisnkids]

Is there someone else on the child's team that your family is friends with? The reason I ask is I would ask someone else for an objective opinion and if that person agrees that he is becoming a crazy sports dad I would ask that person if he/she could bring it up with him. Sorry to say, but a lot of times it is more "clear" to the offending parent if someone else says somethign to them than their spouse.

 

[bookworm]

When my husband was making unproductive comments to my daughter, we (she and I) took the strategy of having him not attend the meets...we would say it "made her nervous" , which wasn't a complete lie, but she was just more comfortable with him not attending

 

[DisMom]

How old is she? And how does SHE feel about the critique from dear ol dad? I have a kid who wants me to tell him (not a gymnast) every little thing I saw...good and bad. And he wants me to analyze what I saw from his teammates (good and bad). So how does she feel about these chats with Dad?

 

[Canadian_gym_mom]

You sit down with him and talk about it. Have him visit here. Ask the coach for advice or to talk to him as well.

Honestly, my dad was a bit like this with my figure skating and I grew to really resent him for a while because of it. And that is part of why I chose to not put dd in figure skating, lol. Little did I know about gymnastics parents!

Good luck. I think that as your spouse yu should be able to sit down and have a serious discussion with him about this.

 

[gymmomtotwo]

How old is she? And how does SHE feel about the critique from dear ol dad? I have a kid who wants me to tell him (not a gymnast) every little thing I saw...good and bad. And he wants me to analyze what I saw from his teammates (good and bad). So how does she feel about these chats with Dad?

She is 10 and does not like it at all. She always is relieved on the days when he is not picking her up. Picking her up from a two hours plus practice involved him coming right after work and sitting watching her practice, rather than going home and having dinner first. I cannot pick her up every night nor can I go to every one of her meets, as I have two other kids with activities of their own who need to get to bed before she gets home.
I was a swimmer (which I l loved), but I faced a huge amount of pressure from my Dad. I vowed never to do that to my kids, and now I feel like I'm stuck in the same situation again. I just love the sport and the friends and memories I had. That's what I want for her. I can't picture her sticking with it once she hits her teenage years because of the way he is.

I have repeatedly discussed this with him, told him about my experience, shown him an article posted on the club website about how to be a swimming parent. He will sort of try for awhile, but feels perfectly justified based on the amount of money he is spending.

I like to idea of having him go to her coach and talk to him about any concerns with her swimming and how he should handle her at home. He does have alot of respect for the coach, and the coach is a quality individual.

 

[gymmomtotwo]

Another quick piece of information about her. She is 10 and quite small for her age. She weighs 61 pounds and many times is inches shorter than her competition. She works like crazy in practice and has worked her way up to the top 12 and under practice group on the team. She is bestest in competition by kids she beats in practice because they are bigger and can power it out in a race. She is nowhere near puberty, and many of the 10 year olds she swims against have breasts and look a couple of years older than her. I have explained to DD that when she hits her growth spurt and puberty that she will likely catch up many of the kids that are beating her now. She has improved a tremendous amount. She had a meet this weekend and missed some best times by about a second. He called her performance pathetic to me. I jumped all over that one. I know he softened it for her, but that was the message. She is not a slacker in any way.
I have urged patience on his part, but it often falls on deaf ears. Anyway if anyone has personal experience I'd love to hear it.

 

[gymmomtoo]

Could have written much of this post myself! My youngest is a swimmer--and pretty good too. She's 12 yrs now and her dad (DH) constantly critiques and tells her what to improve and what she should be swimming, etc. He feels justified because he was a swimmer. She's in 7th grade and swam with the high school team this past season and he was always emailing the coach with his concerns. Even the coach telling him to back off (in nicer words) had no effect because DH didn't believe that's what he was saying! If you figure out how to get through to yours, let me know and I'll try it too. I resorted to telling him he was banned from watching practices (at the HS practices), but now at the Y he goes again--argh!

 

[emorymom]

Dang, he needs to get a hobby of his own.
Did you ever ask him what his goal was in all this criticism?

 

[Deleted member D3987]

I am in a pretty big quandry now about what to do about an overinvolved father in non gymmie DDs sport. My youngest DD is my gymmie and probably will start competing in Fall 2014. So this is about a different sport, but the same principles apply. I have made requests of DH to:

1. Not watch all of DD's practices.
2. Not to analyze her every move.
3. Give her tips on a sport he knows nothing about (This was my sport, and I continually say to him "Let the coach handle it:
4. Criticize her performances when she doesn't do well

I have given him articles about how to be a good sports parent. He compares to other faster kids to her face. The list goes on and on. It's like a tutorial on how to be a terrible sports parent.

In his favor is he works hard at the club sponsored meets and is never a poor sport at a meet. The coaches would not pick him out as a crazy sports parent at all.

She loves the sport and her friends, but is never going to be a superstar. She works hard and has fun. It's more than enough for me.

But, I am seriously worried about her mental health down the road with how much he pushes, comments and criticizes. I am tempted at times just to pull all my girls from sports if this is the way it is going to be. My gymmie is actually pretty talented and loves gymnastics, but I can see this being a problem down the road. Has anyone had this, and what did you do?

well...tell him that if he doesn't listen to you, and your correct advice coming from a female and a mom, that he might risk having someone else walk her down the aisle some day.

 

[Galadriel]

i was that parent a lot of years ago !
ds quit obviously.
never made that error again with other dc .
swimming IS technique as i am sure you know. As you said they will catch up come puberty. If they work hard whilst not compromising on good technique then it will come!

Sent from my GT-I9100 using Tapatalk 2

 

[NewtoGym]

Try critiquing him while he is trying to do something difficult and see how he likes it!

I am in a pretty big quandry now about what to do about an overinvolved father in non gymmie DDs sport. My youngest DD is my gymmie and probably will start competing in Fall 2014. So this is about a different sport, but the same principles apply. I have made requests of DH to:

1. Not watch all of DD's practices.
2. Not to analyze her every move.
3. Give her tips on a sport he knows nothing about (This was my sport, and I continually say to him "Let the coach handle it:
4. Criticize her performances when she doesn't do well

I have given him articles about how to be a good sports parent. He compares to other faster kids to her face. The list goes on and on. It's like a tutorial on how to be a terrible sports parent.

In his favor is he works hard at the club sponsored meets and is never a poor sport at a meet. The coaches would not pick him out as a crazy sports parent at all.

She loves the sport and her friends, but is never going to be a superstar. She works hard and has fun. It's more than enough for me.

But, I am seriously worried about her mental health down the road with how much he pushes, comments and criticizes. I am tempted at times just to pull all my girls from sports if this is the way it is going to be. My gymmie is actually pretty talented and loves gymnastics, but I can see this being a problem down the road. Has anyone had this, and what did you do?