Is my daughter ready to quit?

[momtogymgirl]

Is my daughter ready to quit? Is she just mad, is this a little bump that she should be pushed through, or is it time to move on? She is almost 10-years-old. She just finished her level 6 season in November. At the end of the season she was very happy. The following month she spent enjoying experimenting with level 7 skills. Everything was good. But then some time after that, she started struggling more than the rest of her team mates. She was afraid to move her layout to the floor. Her coach got mad and told her to go back to the trampoline and left her while everyone else was on the floor. She struggled connecting the clear hip to a fly away. Her coach teaches the skill by having the girls try the skill, but just over a pit instead of the floor. The rest of her team figured it out. She worried too much about what would happen if she let go too late. Her coach got mad and called her a chicken. A few practices later he told her she gets her skills later than everyone else, that he is disgusted by her and that she should be ashamed. Still later when she would not let go he told her to warm up her level 6 bars instead. When she tried to continue working on her seven skills, he told her to take of her grips and go condition for the rest of bars. She also only does her back hand spring on the low beam.
By the end of December, she was the farthest from getting her skills so the coaches started ignoring her. Well, my daughter says they were ignoring her. One of her coaches said that they have been concentrating on the girls who were so close to getting their skills and that she hopes my dd can hold out because she has not forgotten about her. The head coach made the decision that a gymnast does not get her optional routine until all skills on an event are competition ready. All the other girls got their routines. My dd has spent the month sitting out during routine times to watch her teammates. Everyone else will compete this spring. They will then start training level 8. As per our head coaches decision she has to repeat level 6. (Anyone who does not compete level 7 at state will repeat level 6)
Sorry this is so long. Thank you for any insights.

 

[Shelovesthebars]

Find a gym that treats your daughter with respect!

 

[JAO]

You definitely have a learning moment on your hands. The first thing you need to do is to evaluate your daughter's love of the sport. If she truly loves gymnastics, it won't matter to her what level she competes; what will be important for her is that she is competing the sport she loves. If, however, she loves being with her friends (who are moving up) more than gymnastics, or, she loves trophies and trinkets more than the pure gymnastics, or she loves the label of "level 7" more than the reality of actually being a qualified level 7, then her philosophy and goals might no longer be best suited by competitive gymnastics. Gym isn't school, and she shouldn't be concerned about moving to level 7 just because her teammates are (and if she did, that can bring with it even more frustrations if she fails and struggles in that level). She should be concerned about doing HER best gymnastics, and if she's meant to be a level 6 again, then she's meant to be a level 6 again. After weighing all that, if you find she does still love gym, do not discount the possibility that her present coaches are no longer meeting her needs. I do not want to encourage gym hopping, but I would never (seriously) call a gymnast chicken or disgusting, and if that is truly how your daughter is being treated, it might be time to pursue level 6 in another gym. The problem with that of course is that you don't want to teach your daughter to run away from struggles or shop around until she finds someone who gives her the answer she wants to hear. But you also don't want to waste your time under someone who is an idiot.

 

[kristilyn73]

If I understand you correct, she needs to find a gym where she can learn skills at her own pace! Optional skills are hard and you need time to feel confident and safe doing them.

Does your DD's gym uptrain? It sounds to me like they focused solely on L6 skills. once L6 was over they had 2 or 3 months to get all L7 skills and then compete. That isnt fair. What is wrong with taking months or years to slowly progress the skills?

In my DD's gym, during competition season the girls train routines and then work skills they are struggling. If they are doing well and dont need the extra time after routines, they can move on to uptraining. My DD worked optional skills for a year before her 1st L7 meet.

I don't think your DD is ready to quit. I think she is frustrated with the situation. She should be given time to take a skill at her own pace.

 

[gymjourneymom]

OMG!!! I'm so sorry your DD has such a horrible, insensitive coach!!! My advice- get her out of that gym ASAP!!!! That coach is going to make her HATE this sport(if she doesn't already). That is NOT the proper environment for her. If she doesn't hate the sport & wants to continue, I'd take her out of her current gym while you look for another one. Every day with that coach is going to set her back further. She'd be better of taking a break while you look around & explore her options. Seriously, I know the scenerio you are in. My DD has had similar experiences. The coach is probably ignoring her(after verbally abusing & demeaning her), to teach the other girls a lesson. "Fear is bad, this is what happens to kids with fear". Yes, the coach is afraid your DD's fears will spread, so he won't give her any extra help. He's expecting her to get over it on her own or quit. There are gyms that will be helpful & supportive to your DD, you need to find one for her. Good luck! My heart goes out to you & your DD! I don't know your gym or coach...but I hate them already! Don't let your DD continue to be put down & mentally & verbally abused. She deserves so much better coaching & it is out there.

 

[gymbaby12]

You should switch gyms! No coach should call a gymnast a chicken and tell them they should be ashamed of themselves! All gymnasts go through a rough time where they can't get those skills. She's probably like me. She needs a coach with patience. By the looks of it, she's being mentally and verbally absused. That's never ok. Plus, she's only 10! I say you find a better gym. She should be treated with respect!

 

[gym law mom]

Sounds like you are at our old gym! There are days we are still repairing emotional damage from comments like those made to your dd. These kids put all their trust and faith in coaches and then to be called demeaning names and basically shoved aside hurts them at levels we can't even begin to understand.

Before we left our former gym I had to sit down with my gymmie and ask her if she hated the sport(the "hate" word was being used alot) or just didn't like doing it in that gym anymore. She thought about it for a little bit and said she still loved the sport, but could not handle the yelling, name calling etc. So, we moved on. It took about 6 mos at a different gym before she would really let her guard down and started to open up and trust those coaches.

L6 or L7 isn't so much the issue. It should be is she in a place where she can be happy and feel she is getting help with skills when she needs it. Its pretty obvious she won't compete L7 for this gym this season, so your options are to stay and do another year of L6 or take the time now and look around at other programs where she would be happier. I would certainly look at gyms that do uptraining all year, so if she does do another year of L6, she will also have time to work on her L7 skills.

 

[bpatient]

. . . Her coach got mad and called her a chicken [and] told her she gets her skills later than everyone else, that he is disgusted by her and that she should be ashamed [and] . . . started ignoring her.

Coaches are teachers. What would you do if your daughter's math teacher started treating her in this way? Perhaps you'd be on the phone to the principal in a heartbeat, and, if you couldn't resolve the problem, you might have her out of that class by the end of the week.

Your daughter will be a gymnast for only a few more years--at most--but what she learns from gymnastics will stay with her for life. What is it that you want her to learn?

 

[Billy]

My advice? Get out of that gym before they kill your daughter's spirit completely. We went through a similar situation when my DD was learning the back walkover on beam. She was absolutely terrified and had a coach who didn't believe in spotting (heck, she didn't seem to believe in standing up while coaching!). So, DD was left to try the skill on her own. And to her credit, she did it on the low and medium beams but she was just too afraid to do it on the high beam (she was 7 years old, by the way). Her coach told her fine, she should just go do cartwheels on the beam for level 5 instead. She told her she could just stay a level 5 forever until she got bored and quit gymnastics. My DD went into the bathroom sobbing. I went to talk to her (against the "rules," but too bad!) and she said yes, she wanted to quit.

We had several discussions about it over the next couple of days and it turns out that she didn't want to quit at all. She was just scared. I hate to tell you that we didn't leave the gym at that point- though we did leave a couple months later. She did not get her back walkover until we changed gyms. Suddenly she had coaches who cared about her, who would comfort and reassure her while still insisting she try and work the skill, who were prepared to spot her and walk her through learning the skill bit by bit. Within two weeks in this wonderful new environment, she was doing her back walkover on the high beam.

Now I won't say that it wasn't a struggle, even after that. Back tumbling on beam may always be her nemesis. But now she has new confidence, new spirit, and a new love of the sport. She wants to work through her fears and her coaches are behind her 100%. So yes, I think you should run, not walk, away from your current gym and find coaches who will treat your daughter with compassion and respect and nurture her love for gymnastics, not destroy it.

 

[MdGymMom01]

I totally agree with all the advice that says to leave that current gym IMMEDIATELY. My dd was at a cheer gym (from ages 6-8) where the coach yelled, belittled, called them names and scared them into doing skills. It broke my dd's spirit and it took many years for her to get her confidence back especially on skills that she was afraid of. Now that we are with a very caring and supportive coach she has opened up more and is able to trust again. This is sooo very important in gymnastics.

I think one of the hardest lessons for gymnasts to learn is that it is an individual sport and they cannot worry about what other gymnasts are doing. They need to focus on only themselves and set personal goals for them. Unfortunately too many coaches kill very talented gymnasts spirits by comparing them to other teammates and threatening them. This is probably why so many gymnasts quit the sport before they get to the higher levels.

Good luck and I hope you find a nurturing environment so that your dd can be the best gymnast that she can be. Keep us posted!!

 

[NOG]

I agree with ek2. Take the whole situation in account. What lead up to this? Is it possible that your dd is percieving the coach to be singling her out and demeaning her? I ask only because sometimes our dds are upset and "hear" things that the coaches aren't saying at all. Unless you witnessed the incidents or have other parents/gymnasts who have witnessed this horrid behavior by the coaches, really sit down with your dd and make sure that she is not over-reacting to coaches discipline.
I agree with ek2 on the balking/crying issue. Our gym also sits girls out for this. It's contagious and totally undermines the entire teams confidence to see a girl constantly crying and balking at a skill (not to mention dangerous to the gymnast). If that is what is happening then the coaches are thinking of your dds safety and the spirit of the team as well. However if the name calling is TOTALLY unexceptable! No coach/teacher should be using name-calling as a teaching method! That is deplorable.

After sitting down with your dd and making sure what is really happening, you need to make some decisions on what is best for your dd. If what is happening in the gym is really how she sees it, get her out of there! If it's maybe not what dd percieves it to be, but more a safety (you don't throw skills that you balk at and NO name calling) then maybe you could work her through the situation at current gym. And get her to understand that the coaches just don't want her hurt (this is only if the coaches weren't really name calling).

Good luck!

 

[Optionals United]

i agree with everyone else you should leave. i went through this with coaches and a teammate! i was soo torn down mentally the only reason i went to practice is because all of my other optinal frinds supported me and felt the same way toward that caoch. he didnt spot us,he yelled at everone,forced my other teammate to get her grips on to do her fllyaway which she hadnt even got over the pit to the real bar,and almost got in a fist fight with our boys team coach.needless to say he was later fierd but that was just the biggining (dont know how to spell that word even though i should!) of my one year struggle.

through that year coaches just kept coming and going like flys i had 10 coaches that year!!!!! so of them were mean some of them were nice and some of them didint do anything! i learned all by level 6 skills by myself except for my back tuck! i think you should leave that gym!being called chicken and disgustiong and ashamed that is just inappropriate(sp?)!! yeah i got called those names but i had people that stuck me the whole way! we are like familly not b****es that talk behind each others backs.(not saying your dd's team is that way)

at camp with my team the other girls in my cabin were one team and you would go outside and hear something from somone and then you would go inside and they would be saying something about the girls outside it was terrible!!!

sorry that was kinda off topic,but thats who suppoted me through all this. your dd has no one in the gym that will support her and thats i think she should leave. also she is only 10!!!!!! thats just not apropriate(sp?)! the only reason i stayed was because of my teammates and now i have some of the best caoches in the u.s charlie and nicole tomayo! thats just my personal story and prefance.

 

[coachmolly]

Get out! It is ridiculous to expect every girl to learn learn their level 7 skills in 2-3 months and I'm surprised there aren't more girls struggling. Level 7 skills are hard and scary, it's a big step. Some girls just need more time and patience and that is totally okay. Her coaches need to respect that. Even if she does learn the skills now under the pressure of the coaches and to avoid name calling, there is a good chance they won't stick or that the fear will remain.
I think with coaches with a little more patience you could see an almost immediate turn around in your dd. The skills could come, fear decrease, and happiness return. Because I'm pretty sure no one is happy in a situation where they are belittled and singled out as being the weak link. A little belief in her from her coaches could go a long way!
She is only 10! She has plenty of time to learn optional skills and no 10 year old needs to be treated that way by an adult.

 

[ZJsMom]

I say look for a new gym right away.

he is disgusted by her and that she should be ashamed.

Talking to a kid like that is not okay. Of course, she's going to be unhappy if she's being berrated like that. The transition from 6 to 7 can be hard because the skills are a little scary for a lot of kids. But it's fun too. I think she just needs to be in a more supportive atmosphere.

 

[gymjourneymom]

I have no problem with repeating levels. Sometimes some gymmies need a little more time at a level & that is TOTALLY fine. But this coaches behavior, as described, is unacceptable at ANY level. He is toxic...get your DD away from him ASAP! Whether she repeats L6 or not, she should do it at a different gym. JMHO.

 

[gymnastgirlforever]

The problem of quiting.

You should find another gym! Not any coach should call anyone a chicken or say that he/she is ashamed of her! I went through this same thing, so I switched gyms and from now on I'll be fine. Try the gym Gym x treme. I go there and I love it there! I'm also a level 6.

 

[gymdog]

Not worth it. Sounds like it isn't working out. Even if another gym isn't an option I wouldn't hold out in this environment. Most likely it'll break her down sooner or later anyway. So it's not worth it. I have seen these situations before and once they've progressed about that far, they're pretty much unsalvagable. I would caution pretty much anyone against staying in gymnastics under these circumstances. There are other things in life. I suppose this is kind of controversial to say. But the truth is we're letting kids learn to treat themselves and be treated this way. I think some people would be surprised by the extent and the amount of emotional issues I know people who did gymnastics for the vast majority of their lives have struggled with as young adults. I don't really necessarily blame gymnastics (not as a whole anyway) but it makes me wonder. Every day when I'm in the gym I try not to be that person who teaches them that every obstacle or mistake should be perceived as worthlessness or a character fault. This is learned self-loathing...and I think it's one of the biggest problems female athletes face, especially as they get older and start to interact outside the confines of gymnastics more.

 

[cathiann]

I'd be looking for another gym--your daughter may very well want/need to repeat level 6 due to her fear issues, but the names the coach is calling her is my reason for switching! Really not appropriate or helpful at all! I'm not sure how she could get past that and trust in her coach again after hearing what a negative opinion he/she has of her. Poor kid!

 

[gymnut1]

I think your dd is ready to have a fresh start at a new gym in an atmosphere of respect. Shawn has been there and knows what a difference it makes. She could either repeat level 6 or train level 7 and settle in and bond and compete 7 next year.

 

[momtogymgirl]

Wow. I was never expecting such an outpouring of advice and understanding. She actually has not been to practice in a week. We let her gym know that she was unsure about continuing. When I expressed concern about the coach that is giving her a hard time, I was told that in their experience when a girl quits there is more going on than a mean coach.

The one good thing the gym does provide is access to a sports psychologist, who is wonderful. My dd met with her for two hours on Saturday. (She would not let my dd leave until they formed a plan.) From that meeting the sports psychologist said she absolutely does not want to do gymnastics at her current gym. She is ambivalent about gymnastics in general. She does not want to start on another team and then decide to quit. She wants more time to think, but she does not want to close the door on doing gymnastics somewhere else in the future. She also would like to try soccer. She has never done anything else since she started on pre-team prior to Kindergarten. They decided it would be in here best interest to ask the head coach if she could join the ex-gymnast conditioning group and try some new things for a while. The psychologist said she is definitely not ready to walk away from gymnastics completely.

We do have two other gyms in town. One gym is a small AAU program. The head coach is a great guy who is a very positive coach. The problem is that he is spread a little thin and his assistant is not very good. She is not mean, she just does not teach the routines correctly and mostly watches. The other gym has a strong USAG program. They still yell a lot, but do not say ugly things to the girls. We have had two girls switch over to this program and they have done very well. They say the yelling is different because they know these coaches love them and want the best for them. The problem is they are uncomfortable “stealing” an “optional” girl. They said absolutely no until I told them she was done with gymnastics if she had to stay in her current gym. They said they would have to discuss it with our head coach before they could consider her.