Making daughter quit for lack of improvement update

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Well, dd had her sectional meet this past weekend. Unfortunately, she did not do well. She had a higher score all-around last year, at the same exact level (level 6) by about .4 We tried to stay positive and did not say anything after the meet. DD did not seem too concerned. I finally was able to speak with her about it a little last night and she agreed that she was getting to the point where she is scared of doing the higher level gymnastics skills and is not even sure herself about how far she wants to go with it. She has had fear issues in the past and perhaps that is part of the wall she has reached. The question now is, how long do we wait for her to push through that wall? If it such a huge sacrifice for the family as far as time and money, should we just say that it time to move on? We could try to be more patient, but I feel like giving her an entire year to work on skills and improve from last year showed some patience on our behalf already. We thought that some "breathing room" was necessary because of some fear issues she was having over a year ago. We noticed last year she was getting afraid of bars and was struggling a little on beam. She seemed to work through some of the beam issues, but her improvement on bars has stood completely still. Also, there has been little improvement on vault and her scores on floor are worse. As for quitting, DD will miss her friends, but she will have much more time to spend time with friends she does not get to see very much because of gym. DD will miss the exercise, but she will be able to find other sports to try. She already mentioned skateboarding, surfing and snowboarding. (not sure why fear issues do not come into play with those sports but I guess as a beginner it is not an issue.) So here we are. We have two weeks till State and I hope she does well, but I think it is wise to get her to start thinking beyond gymnastics.
 
Thanks for the update. Good luck at state. I hope she enjoys it and has a better meet. There is definitely no harm thinking beyond the gymnastics. It sounds like she is thinking gymnastics is slowing down/ coming to an end for her too. Maybe she wasn't giving it 100% at practise because of her fear issues / not sure issues. I hope you are able to help her work things out one way or the other.
 
Sounds like she has come to the crossroads and is willing to try a different road. Wish your family the best in what ever sport is ahead :). Hope she has a good states too :)
 
Nice that she is ready to move on, that makes the end way less painful. She will find something new to love. YOu will find plenty to spend the time and money saved on!
 
Personally, I would sit down with her after states to discuss where to go from there. From what you describe, she's ambivalent herself and the optional level requires a high level of commitment. I have noticed at DD's gym, the numbers shrink from level 6 to optionals mainly because of the harder skills, time commitment, etc. If she were my daughter, I'd tell her that I wouldn't want her to quit over fear, but it's ok to stop if she feels that she is done. Good luck to her at State!
 
What a tough decision. How much does she up-train? The level 7 skills are much more difficult than the level 6 skills (obviously) so after states they will likely start up-training heavy - at which point she will either conquer her fears very quickly or the fears will push her to quit. I would talk to the coaches and tell them where you are at and see what they say. Giving it a few more weeks might be worth it.
 
To me, having her make a decision about whether to stay in the sport or not while going through fear issues is not good. The fear may overshadow her real desire to do gymnastics. If she's grown in the last year, some of this fear could be vestibular(dunno would be so proud of me!) and can be worked through. There is absolutely no timetable for how long it will take.
I would advise a meeting with her coaches once the season is over. Disucss what skills cause fear and what could be done to work through that. Then if you and dd feel at least have a plan---whether you want to pursue it or not is up to her.

The whole "fear" scenario likely explains why you see her spending alot of time socializing. She's avoiding what she's afraid of.
 
I have to agree wit Gym Law Mom about meeting with the coaches. At least in part, it is their job to help a gymmie deal with fear issues. They certainly have more experience than the parents do! I am not sure if you have spoken to them alrady about this trend with your DD, but I think it is best to be thorough in talking with them and considering everything when making a decision like leaving the sport. Good luck with everything!
 
I feel like, in both of your posts, you are looking for Official Chalk Bucket Permission to take your daughter out of gymnastics. The reasons seem to be that you and your husband feel like it's too big of a time committment and financial committment. You guys are the parents and only you two really know what works and doesn't work for your family, and if it's not working for your family then you should, by all means, let your daughter know that and move on. But the people you are looking for confirmation from are the same people who ARE still (for the most part) making those sacrifices, and have decided that they're worth it, even if our kids aren't going to make it to the Olympics, or get a college scholarship, or even always bring home a medal. If you ask any parent whose kid is NOT in gymnastics if they think that the money and the time and the committment are INSANE they will almost invariably tell you YES and understand completely that you are planning on pulling her out. However, on this site, when you say that your daughter still loves gymnastics but that you are going to take her out anyway, because she is dealing with fears (which all of our kiddos have dealt with) or because she's not "excelling," we're going to tell you to talk to the coach, to consider less intensive options, to let her have a crack at optionals before you decide she just doesn't have what it takes.
 
Sounds to me like she is done and has been for a while.

IMO a gymnast can only overcome fear issues if they really want it.

I'd take the suggestions of other sports as a great big flashing neon sign. My DD is in no way a super star gymnast but suggest she try other sports? - not a chance, she is loving gymnastics (at the moment)

Maybe your DD is aware of how much it has cost your family to keep her in the gym. Maybe she feels that if she quits she can never go back - why not suggest a break when states is finished and she if she misses it?

Just my two pennies worth - only you know your DD. Wishing her well at States.
 
Try for Lvl 7

This is just my opinion, but I don't think you should allow her to think "I'm afraid, so it's okay to quit." Personal accomplishment is one of the greatest attributes to get out of gymnastics and you are not doing her any favors by having her quit because of her fears. At least let her try for lvl 7, and maybe make some mini-goals along the way (like accomplishing a skill or two). Let her feel what it's like to overcome a few fears. And, after all that, if she still decides to leave gymnastics, she will know that she chose to leave - and she didn't let he fears beat her.
 
As always, I will take the comments here to heart, but we have to weigh all of these things in order to make the best decision for our family.

I think that dd has had some time to work on fear issues. She has had a year at the same level to try to do that. Could we give her more time? Of course. Should we? That is the question now isn't it? How much time should a family be willing to give a child? I know that answer is different for each individual family and I think that we have reached the limit for us. Of course, every situation is different, and every family on here has a different experience, child and situation.

We are trying to keep the communication open with dd and trying to see exactly how she feels about it all. I think she has her own conflicting feelings, as do we. Maybe taking a break is a good option? DH is not so sure and thinks she should quit "cold turkey" but I feel that she can take a "break" after State is over and try other things and if she is still missing gymnastics desperately after a few months she can go back, but we will tell her then that she will have to work hard and we will only invest in the sport at that point "if" she is as committed as we are to it. We are showing a huge commitment by giving her such a large portion of our money and time so she will need to respect that by working hard at gym, and showing some improvement while she is there or it will be time to move on, for good this time.
 
I think taking a break and leaving the door open to a possible return is a reasonable option. If she wants to return later then maybe a program with less hours and less cost may be a better option. I know she has not been open to that but maybe after a little distance it will sound better.
 
I think at this level, a better way to judge success is by effort. If she's putting in a lot of hard work but it's not paying off, then patience is the answer. The work will pay off soon enough. If she's sort of fooling around at gym, then maybe it's time to consider quitting or making a renewed commitment. Since she has learned to start working through her fear issues on beam, I would regard that as a big step. The important things you take away from gymnastics aren't how to do a back walkover...they're how to do something that you feel is impossible.
 
Having gone through my daughter quitting after level 6 last spring. She had a really tough time with level6 (alot of growing causing alot a pain), she did not score great at this level either but finished the season like your daughter. I really thought she should give it a shot as an optional but in the end she decided she no longer wanted to do the sport. It was a really tough decision but knowing she was so having such a tough time I did get our head coach involved who helped her decide without my input. She really wanted it to be my daughters decision,so she gave her 2 weeks after states to decide. It is 6 months later and honestly my daughter does not seem to regret her decision, I am happy that she is fine with the deciscion but I still feel bad about her working all those years and leaving the sport. Part of me feels releived because I heard if she contiuned I would be paying a significant amount more money and she would be practicing 5 days a week but the other part of wishes she would of just hung in there for another year. The best thing I did was let it be her decision. She is doing cheer swimming and dance but she is 11 and I have to admitt that although she enjoys these activities nothing seems to compare to the passion she had for gymnastics those first few years she was on the team. I am really just starting to think that maybe that passion that alot of the young gymnasts show in the sport that they just grow out of this phase and some continue to work hard and stay in the sport( lets face it the amount of practice hours and how difficult the sport is it takes an enormous amout of self descpline and hard work) and others just leave. Maybe your daughter not taking it seriously is just her getting older and deciding what she really wants to do. I would really let her come to the decision on her own and forget about the scores as long as you can finiancally afford to do so. If she decides to leave she will fine there are lots of other things out there for her to try.
 
You DD may also know that it is a financial burden on the family and that she really knows Mom and Dad thinks it takes too much time and money out of their family lives. This could also be part of her saying she doesn't want to continue. Kids are aware of more than many of us think they know. She may want to continue but is afraid of taking that money and time out of the family and if you give her the out of "if you don't do well the way mom and dad want you to then you have to stop".

You know your family situation best and you need to just tell her that the time and money is just too big a commitment to continue.

for me if my DD wants to do this and seems to love it then I don't care if there is improvement so long as the fun is still happening. If we have the money and are willing to give the time for her to do this then She can take as long as she wants if she wants to get over a fear issue or move to the next level or what ever. Every family is differeent and thier priorities are different.


Not trying to be mean or judgemental here but I think that the "decision" has been made but you and her dad are trying to find another reason other than WE want you to stop because we don't want to support this activity with money or family time anymore. You know alot of gymnasts do leave for that very reason and it usually is going from L6 - L7 when the money and time can almost double. We had 4 girls leave this year for that very reason. Yes the girls were sad at the time but they have found other things they are happy with. Please don't make the reasons for stopping negative and make her feel bad herself about her fear or her lack of improvement.
 
We are trying to keep the discussions more positive and not threatening. I am asking open ended questions such as, "do you really love gymnastics?" "What will you miss the most if you quit?" "Is there anything else you want to try but you don't have time to try because of gymnastics?" She said that she "likes gym" but I did not hear the word "Love." She is really thinking these things through and is actually starting to show interest in things she never really thought of before. Maybe my questions are causing her to look outside of what she has known so long, and that is OK. We keep telling her that we want her to do her very best at State and then we will evaluate everything after that. She did come home from an extra "clinic" yesterday really frustrated with gym, since the coach basically told her she might have stay at Level 6. This would be 3 years at the level. I asked her if she wanted to do that and she said she did not. That might make the decision easier, for all of us.
 
Please excuse my lack of spacing and paragraphs...apparently there is a magic button I have yet to discover. ;) After weeks of reading about your plight, I no longer have the will power to bite my tongue. This may be harsh, but I'll try to keep myself in check. You and DH want your DD to quit gym because it is too much of a strain on your family. You don't work (if I remember correctly) she is home schooled and it is too much for you to drive her to gym. You can afford it, but you are sacrificing vacations and YOUR "dreams" (from the other thread, more on this below). But instead of letting her be part of the decision, the two of you give her an ultimatum to improve or quit gym during a stressful phase of her gymnastics career; moving from compulsories to optionals and battling fears that neither of you can even begin to appreciate.After her "poor" performance at this weekends meet, you broach the subject AGAIN. I'm sure that your DD now feels like a complete failure, and you two set her up for it with the added pressure and lack of faith. Of course she now wants to try something else, she feels she let you down and you badgered her about it until she caved. As for your dreams and sacrifices, that is what happens to some extent when you become a parent. You give up some of your desires to help your children reach their potential and attain their goals. Your DH wanted to teach her a life lesson. You have succeeded, I'm sure its one she will never forget.
 
You can afford it, but you are sacrificing vacations and YOUR "dreams" (from the other thread, more on this below). But instead of letting her be part of the decision, the two of you give her an ultimatum to improve or quit gym during a stressful phase of her gymnastics career; moving from compulsories to optionals and battling fears that neither of you can even begin to appreciate.After her "poor" performance at this weekends meet, you broach the subject AGAIN. I'm sure that your DD now feels like a complete failure, and you two set her up for it with the added pressure and lack of faith. Of course she now wants to try something else, she feels she let you down and you badgered her about it until she caved. As for your dreams and sacrifices, that is what happens to some extent when you become a parent. You give up some of your desires to help your children reach their potential and attain their goals. Your DH wanted to teach her a life lesson. You have succeeded, I'm sure its one she will never forget.

If you think almost 10% of our pay after taxes going to gymnastics is reasonable, then I guess we can afford it. BUT, like I have said earlier, we would be willing to keep up the pace and pay for gymnastics if DD was really showing a passion for the sport. She is half-hearted about it and has been for a while. Hence the slower pace than she showed a couple years ago. NOW the coach is seeing it and threatening to hold her back for a 3rd year. So, what am I supposed to do, just keep smiling and paying the $500 plus a month and see dd goof off, talk during gym, go to meets and perform worse than she did last year and not care about all we are investing? Really? Does that sound like good parenting or creating a spoiled rotten child?

I have done way more than many parents would do to create a loving and caring home. One where my daughter does not have to stay up until 11 at night doing homework, like some girls in the gym, so I home schooled her. Also, I feel it is very important for children to have some time just to be a "kid" and play, have a little free time, time to spend with friends etc. . . I even drove her up to two hours round trip to a new gym when our other gym lost it's coach so she could have the best opportunity for growth and improvement. I was careful to choose a gym that was positive and not negative because I believe that children need an environment like that to blossom. However, because DH and I asked for a little improvement, and now we are holding her to that I am being lambasted. Really??? We are trying to be positive with her and I even apologized for making it about the scores but she said that she understood. What if it is a good thing for her to realize that it is a sacrifice and take our needs as parents into consideration too? Is that really a bad thing for a child to learn to be empathetic? Really?

BTW, we have an older 14 year old daughter who is getting lost in all of this and she has had to sacrifice too. It takes up so much of her weekends at meets and I am gone many hours a week driving dd to gym and back. Plus, the loss of income from my not working because of gymnastics and paying for gymnastics is going to affect her later when college comes. It really is not fair for her.
 

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