Parents Mental block for 7 year old

[Gymsanity]

'Are you suggesting that I send her to a sports psychologist or something like that??'
Is what I'm suggesting is that you educate yourself in regards to childhood PTSD. Without boring you (and everyone else), many years ago I was a primary caregiver at a facility that dealt with youths that had emotional issues. I couldn't begin to tell you how many suffered from PTSD brought on by many causes, including seeing an accident/injury. The real problem came from the fact that nobody recognized at the time what effect it had on the child, and they were left to rationalize it in their own little innocent minds with serious consequences later in life. I don't want that for your daughter. Two people can witness the same event, one laughs and one cries. You need to figure out which one is your daughter. In either case, I can assure you that no matter how much you like/trust her coach, she is WAY off base on this one! I wish you both the best with this.

 

[Deleted member 14190]

I disagree with both of these. Children need to talk about their problems. Sometimes, they bring this up and talk to us. Now we should not coach them, but we can listen and encourage. It helps any human being to talk about their problems.

You yelling, by the way, does not make your point more clear, just more annoying.

As for privates: both of my kids have had a fear issue. Ds' coach asked for a private to help him with a skill that he was having a ear issue with. It took one lesson to get him past the fear. He needed the on-on-one time without teammates around to get past it. Dd also had an issue after a bad fall. A coach has worked with her in a few half hour privates to teach her some of the mental aspects of the sport and work past the fall. These things were not possible in a regular practice. Maybe at your gym it's different, but in some places a little focused on-on-one time is exactly what a child needs. Also, kids click with certain coaches sometimes (teachings styles and personalities do differ). So doing a private with a coach the child works well with could help with the fear issue.

=

Boys and girls are very different..... And my definition of a fear issue is balking, not just fear from a bad fall. (that happens all the time).... In my experience how a fear issue (balking) is dealt with at the very beginning stages, determines the longevity of it and the outcome. But what do I know......

 

[sce]

=

Boys and girls are very different..... And my definition of a fear issue is balking, not just fear from a bad fall. (that happens all the time).... In my experience how a fear issue (balking) is dealt with at the very beginning stages, determines the longevity of it and the outcome. But what do I know......

You made a bunch of bold, definitive statements. Now you are saying, they are not true in all situations?!?

Yes, in a perfect world the OP's situation should have been handled differently from the beginning. It wasn't. Would a private lesson with a trusted coach help now, since the child has been punished for a fear issue? The trusted coach can take a few steps back and help her through the fear.

Also, I still don't get the never talking to our kids about their issues in gymnastics. We are their support system. We should not solve the problem for them, but they should feel they can come to us and tell us their problems. Sometimes my answer is that they need to tell their coach. If they did not talk to me, they might not ever talk to the coach either. They are kids and are still learning how to deal with their problems in a healthy way. Us, their parents, are there to teach them how to do this!

 

[kaloss]

I think what Coach P was addressing was making sure no pressure is coming from us, at home. Not refusing to engage in a conversation with my daughter but don't constantly ask her if she did back handsprings, etc

 

[Deleted member 14190]

You made a bunch of bold, definitive statements. Now you are saying, they are not true in all situations?!?

Yes, in a perfect world the OP's situation should have been handled differently from the beginning. It wasn't. Would a private lesson with a trusted coach help now, since the child has been punished for a fear issue? The trusted coach can take a few steps back and help her through the fear.

Also, I still don't get the never talking to our kids about their issues in gymnastics. We are their support system. We should not solve the problem for them, but they should feel they can come to us and tell us their problems. Sometimes my answer is that they need to tell their coach. If they did not talk to me, they might not ever talk to the coach either. They are kids and are still learning how to deal with their problems in a healthy way. Us, their parents, are there to teach them how to do this!

I stated in my original post that my definition of a fear issue is Balking, so everything I posted was in response to my definition of fear issues. Nothing else. Dealing with regular fear is a part of life and dealt with in many ways. (privates etc..)
My statements are also and only for dealing with girls, because that is what the thread is about. (and yes what boys can handle and girls can handle when it comes to anxiety are different).
What the OP child is dealing with is anxiety. fear + stress + not understanding what is going on = worried what other people are thinking = feeling bad about yourself = more stress = anxiety.
Making an issue of a fear issue, (my definition) in my experience, makes it worse. So removing the things that add to stress and the "worry about what other people think", means lessening the "feeling bad about yourself", which = less stress. The coaches should be acting like it's no big deal and just a part of gymnastics so the child "understands what is going on".
IMO, When a parent is aware of the problem AND inquires/show concern about it, they are making the child aware that they are concerned which adds...... "worried about what other people think" = "feeling bad about yourself" and a parent who has also joined the child in "not understanding what is going on = more anxiety.
So in my opinion for what it's worth, is that a parent acts like it's no big deal when the child says something to them. The parent should show absolutely no concern, and say things like "oh, that's just a part of the sport and you will figure it out" Thats it. "it's normal" keep it short not concerned and showing complete confidence that they will figure it out. The coaches should be doing the same. By initiating privates, you could cause the exact same reaction. now you are paying extra for a private, showing up extra, everyone is aware, she is there to specifically work on the balking, which can and will ignite the "worried what other people are thinking = feeling bad about yourself = more stress = anxiety".
Again this is only my opinion and occasionally a private could work, but in my experience they tend to do more damage than good when BHS are involved. (which is probably the number one Balking issue in gymnastics).
Hope my post makes sense and forgive my punctuation errors!

 

[LizzieLac]

It has only been a month since the incident. To a child that is not very long. She needs time.

I disagree with not talking about it at all. You can not pretend an accident did not happen. You must acknowledge that accidents happen occasionally in sports, but that people heal and come back and life goes on. Do not harp on it, however.

If a child needs some time to avoid a skill because she saw something scary then so be it. She is 7, so not doing her BHS for a few months will amount to nothing. Over time, she will see tons of her teammates doing them, the incident will become more distant in her mind and she will regain her confidence that she can do the skill safely.

I am still dealing with a very personal experience just like this (maybe worse). Our coach sat all of the girls down and addressed the accident. He sent an email to some parents. he was upfront about the fact that these things happen. One teammate was very shaken by it (she is 12) and she would not sleep without her mom by her side the first couple of nights after it happened. We addressed it and commented and moved on. The door is always open for discussion but we do not bring it up.

I am happy to PM the OP if it would help.

 

[Jenny]

I stated in my original post that my definition of a fear issue is Balking, so everything I posted was in response to my definition of fear issues. Nothing else. Dealing with regular fear is a part of life and dealt with in many ways. (privates etc..)
My statements are also and only for dealing with girls, because that is what the thread is about. (and yes what boys can handle and girls can handle when it comes to anxiety are different).
What the OP child is dealing with is anxiety. fear + stress + not understanding what is going on = worried what other people are thinking = feeling bad about yourself = more stress = anxiety.
Making an issue of a fear issue, (my definition) in my experience, makes it worse. So removing the things that add to stress and the "worry about what other people think", means lessening the "feeling bad about yourself", which = less stress. The coaches should be acting like it's no big deal and just a part of gymnastics so the child "understands what is going on".
IMO, When a parent is aware of the problem AND inquires/show concern about it, they are making the child aware that they are concerned which adds...... "worried about what other people think" = "feeling bad about yourself" and a parent who has also joined the child in "not understanding what is going on = more anxiety.
So in my opinion for what it's worth, is that a parent acts like it's no big deal when the child says something to them. The parent should show absolutely no concern, and say things like "oh, that's just a part of the sport and you will figure it out" Thats it. "it's normal" keep it short not concerned and showing complete confidence that they will figure it out. The coaches should be doing the same. By initiating privates, you could cause the exact same reaction. now you are paying extra for a private, showing up extra, everyone is aware, she is there to specifically work on the balking, which can and will ignite the "worried what other people are thinking = feeling bad about yourself = more stress = anxiety".
Again this is only my opinion and occasionally a private could work, but in my experience they tend to do more damage than good when BHS are involved. (which is probably the number one Balking issue in gymnastics).
Hope my post makes sense and forgive my punctuation errors!

I totally get what you are saying about balking. I think it makes a lot of sense. I think most people including myself were referring to the trauma of seeing her friend so badly injured in front of her at such a young age. I think that trauma does need talking through and reassuring about. Does that also make sense?

 

[Deleted member 14190]

I totally get what you are saying about balking. I think it makes a lot of sense. I think most people including myself were referring to the trauma of seeing her friend so badly injured in front of her at such a young age. I think that trauma does need talking through and reassuring about. Does that also make sense?

Totally and I wasn't referring to that topic. Just to be clear none of my advice has anything to do with the actual accident.

 

[kaloss]

I love the cb community for instances just like this. Thank you to everyone that commented and gave advice for myself and my daughter. Tonight when I tucked her in bed, she said "mama, I was crying when I did my back handsprings today" and I just asked her what she was worried about. She couldn't tell me, she just knew she couldn't make herself do them. I assured her that she could work through it, that I'm not worried about it at all, and told her I was proud of her no matter what. Then I pretended to fall asleep and smush her to get her giggling and not start worrying right at bedtime.

 

[kaloss]

It has only been a month since the incident. To a child that is not very long. She needs time.

I disagree with not talking about it at all. You can not pretend an accident did not happen. You must acknowledge that accidents happen occasionally in sports, but that people heal and come back and life goes on. Do not harp on it, however.

If a child needs some time to avoid a skill because she saw something scary then so be it. She is 7, so not doing her BHS for a few months will amount to nothing. Over time, she will see tons of her teammates doing them, the incident will become more distant in her mind and she will regain her confidence that she can do the skill safely.

I am still dealing with a very personal experience just like this (maybe worse). Our coach sat all of the girls down and addressed the accident. He sent an email to some parents. he was upfront about the fact that these things happen. One teammate was very shaken by it (she is 12) and she would not sleep without her mom by her side the first couple of nights after it happened. We addressed it and commented and moved on. The door is always open for discussion but we do not bring it up.

I am happy to PM the OP if it would help.

Yes, please PM me

 

[gymdog]

I love the cb community for instances just like this. Thank you to everyone that commented and gave advice for myself and my daughter. Tonight when I tucked her in bed, she said "mama, I was crying when I did my back handsprings today" and I just asked her what she was worried about. She couldn't tell me, she just knew she couldn't make herself do them. I assured her that she could work through it, that I'm not worried about it at all, and told her I was proud of her no matter what. Then I pretended to fall asleep and smush her to get her giggling and not start worrying right at bedtime.

I'm so sad about this. Has this been communicated to the coaches? It seems based on your other posts she isn't the kind of child who would want to stand out or take a long time to get attention. Maybe the coaches think tough love will work but I think she is too young for that and needs support and drills.

 

[Rapunzel]

She's only just 7, similar age to my dd. We've had "fear issues" for no obvious reason and ignoring those & time got us past it. But I don't think this is the same thing and it probably should be a topic that is discussed with her - she probably can't articulate the whys but if she can confide in you that she is scared and you can reassure her that's ok, then I think that's a good start.

 

[kaloss]

I have talked to the second coach about this, off and on for about a month. She has days/weeks where she can do them and times that she can't. Yesterday was the first time it has gotten so bad that she was almost paralyzed by it. She would do one back handspring, but wouldn't connect two. My husband took her this morning, so I don't know how things are going today.

 

[sevenatenine2]

Hoping she has a great day today!

 

[kaloss]

Well, she called me at 9 and said that I needed to come pick her up because she wouldn't do her two back handsprings. Then two minutes later one of the bigger girls called me and said that she said she was going to do it. So, I waited, and didn't hear anything back. I headed up around 11, and they had moved on to bars. I gave her a big hug when they were done and just asked her what her favorite thing about today was. I didn't mention the back handspring at all. She is doing one. She just won't connect two or more in a row. I am just going to focus on what fun she has at practice for now, take next week off and start fresh in December.

 

[Canadian_gym_mom]

I think that talking about the accident and how that made/makes her feel is very different from talking about her current fear issues with the handsprings. Addressing the origins of the fear might be helpful. Good luck, dd has gone through fears many times, though none as serious as what your dd witnessed. She always gets through it.

 

[kaloss]

It was also very encouraging when the grandma of one of the little superstars (9year old level 8/9) gave me a hug....she said she saw everything going on this morning, and her granddaughter has been through it several times before. It's hard but she'll be okay.

 

[gymmomtoo]

It was also very encouraging when the grandma of one of the little superstars (9year old level 8/9) gave me a hug....she said she saw everything going on this morning, and her granddaughter has been through it several times before. It's hard but she'll be okay.

I think it's helpful for the girls to know that too. I talked with the mom of a younger gymnast last year--her daughter was struggling with fear issues on beam and I mentioned that another girl (now a level 10 and has a full scholarship for college) had similar fear issues at that level and she was SO happy to hear that. She said if her daughter knew that even this girl struggled, it would help. I think a lot of times girls (old and young) think that NO ONE else is going through what they are or struggles at all. Reminding them that others do too helps.

 

[profmom]

Well, she called me at 9 and said that I needed to come pick her up because she wouldn't do her two back handsprings. Then two minutes later one of the bigger girls called me and said that she said she was going to do it. So, I waited, and didn't hear anything back. I headed up around 11, and they had moved on to bars. I gave her a big hug when they were done and just asked her what her favorite thing about today was. I didn't mention the back handspring at all. She is doing one. She just won't connect two or more in a row. I am just going to focus on what fun she has at practice for now, take next week off and start fresh in December.

I wonder though -- when she called you at 9, was that at her initiative or the coaches'? If the coaches wanted to kick a seven year old out of practice entirely for the rest of the day for not doing two back handsprings, that to me is a big red flag about that gym, no matter how many champions it has produced.

 

[kaloss]

It was the head coach. She almost booted her out yesterday, but the second coach stepped in. When I got got there, HC said "I stayed on her for a while but then I realized I couldn't do it so we moved on"