Parents Other kids.....

[kimskids]

Wondering if any other parents have other kids in the family who are not very athletic and get jealous of the gymnast in the family. My older daughter (3 years older than my gymnast) has lately been getting jealous of the time spent on gymnastics. She was doing ice skating but due to how far the rink was from our house and how late she gets home school was only able to go once a week and has now decided that it cut into her time with her friends. Since she stopped ice skating she is constantly upset that her sister goes to gymnastics 3 days a week....acting like I like her sister better, etc. Obviously I love all my children the same and if it had been her to find a sport she is passionate about would have been thrilled but it just happened that it was her sister. My older daughter is 12, do you think it is the age?
How do other parents handle this type of thing? I do my best to carpool so I am not gone much driving to and from the gym, I try to do stuff my older daughter wants like taking her and her friends to the mall, etc. but she never seems happy. I would like to mention that sometimes she is great about it and she goes to meets with me and cheers her sister on and is proud when she wins, etc. Then afterwards starts thinking about it and starts getting sad and jealous. I feel bad for her and understand it must be hard to have your younger sister be really good at something when you have not found your "thing". Thanks for listening and any tips would be great!

 

[twoofthem]

My oldest dd has one talent athletically and that is gymnastics. She is a natural, she is strong and flexible and loves her time at the gym. She can't throw a ball, kick a ball, or any variation thereof, lol. My ds is good across the board but has zero gymnastics talent, he is great at soccer, roller hockey, baseball..., he loves sports and being active and has the desire to beat himself and improve on his skills no matter what his hands are in. Youngest I think, so far, is great at gymnastics and does well with the other things she's touched, though she is only 5 so she hasn't done too many other things.

They all respect each others sport and support one another.

 

[lhmom]

My DD (gymnast) is athletically talented but also a hard worker. My son is gifted in non-athletic areas but also very laid-back. He sometimes gets jealous over the attention his sister gets so I will mention what his strengths are, etc. For the time being, it seems to help. I also find activities for him to do while his sister is at the gym. He takes golf lessons one day and music lessons on another day. My husband has also helped out, spending one on one time with him. Now this may change as he reaches adolescence, but it's working right now. Your older daughter has made choices (giving up skating to spend time with friends). IMO, I would point that out to her but you may not be able to get much across if she's moody. Maybe say that if she wants to commit to something, that you would give your full support to it. Good luck!

 

[bookworm]

My kids are all pretty gifted athletically but in different sports...when I hear a complaint from one about how it's "not fair " about how much time is spent for gymnastics, I say to them , "you're right, it's not fair and a lot of things in life aren't fair so get used to it and get over it" ...and I move on and don't dwell on it...we do the best we can but if you get in to "all must be equal" you'll drive yourself crazy....

 

[MaryA]

My daughters are twins and are both involved in different activities, Kathy is in gym and Tory is in dance. At the studio Tory studies at, the competition classes are only open to 6th grade and up. So for now, Tory gets her one recital a year (well, two recitals this year, but on the same day) while Kathy goes to lots of meets, with all of the little gifts and goodie bags that come with them. Also, I end up hanging out at gymnastics practice but not at dance practice because a) you can't see into the dance studio but you can see into the gym and b) because of that, parents hang out and I've made friends that I like to talk to. It's my social time!

But I know that Tory feels like I take gymnastics more seriously than I do dance, and has even told me that she thinks I like Kathy better because she's good at gymnastics (!!!!). We try to make a big deal out of the things Tory does do... she was in a reading competition in March and last week she had a painting in an art show... and the recitals are coming up this Saturday! But I don't think it will ever be completely "fair." Yesterday in the paper there was an ad for a spring/summer track program that starts next week, and since dance season will be over (that's another thing... gymnastics season is NEVER over!) Tory is going to try that. She's only committing to the first week (you can try it for a week before you pay) but I'm hoping she will stick with it so that she will have a chance to compete too!

It's hard. My girls each have their own passions and talents and I think that's great, but it means that things won't always be "fair". I agree with Bookworm... you can definitely make yourself crazy if you let your kids play the "fairness" card. Best you can do is love your kids for their uniqueness!

 

[mariposa]

I think it is pretty common. Gymnastics is a very time consuming sport. When you add up all the time (and money) it really shows the "cost" of gymnastics. My youngest doesn't do any activities right now. Partly because she hasn't really wanted to (she is shy and a mama's girls) and partly because we can't afford it. She is good about it most days, except if she was having fun and we have to stop it to go pick up her sister. Kids always cry "It's not fair," I think it must be in some "How to be a kid manual" somewhere, because they all cry it at one time or another. Truth is life will never be FAIR, but I do think there are ways parents of gymnasts (or any other time consuming sport) can help make it easier on siblings though.

1.) Don't stay at the gym all the time. We used to stay at the gym when my oldest was younger because I wasn't ready for her to be gone that much time and all alone there. Now, even though financially it would be better to stay, we don't. When do we have to stay for a practice, I make sure I keep my kid busy, give her my attention and don't spend the whole time ignoring her and staring at my gymmie or talking to other parents OR we go to a nearby park for part of the practice. I don't think it is fair for siblings to have to grow up in the gym, spending hours a week there doing nothing. I see the siblings of some of the my DDs teammates and feel so sad for them. What a life, growing up in the gym (mostly unattended because the parent is watching the gymnast so intently OR just talking to everyone else and ignoring their kid!), spending hours doing basically nothing. THAT is what I would call unfair.

2.) Do something special with them! When the gymnast (or whatever) is at practice, find something fun to do with the kid/s that isn't/aren't! Buy a craft to make or bake cookies together. Go to the park. Just make sure they feel like they are important to you, too.

3.) Make sure they know you love them and are proud of them. I honestly think sometimes that kids that are show jealousy about the time/money spent on a siblings sport is because they wish THEY had something they did like that. Not all kids ever find that ONE thing they are really good at and seeing a sibling have that can be tough. Make sure they know that they are loved and accepted for who they are and that you are proud of them! I know one mom that bought her other child a trophy at the end of gymnastics season that said "Best big brother ever!" (or something like that) to acknowledge all the sacrifices he made going to her meets and cheering for her, driving back and forth to the gym, etc.

4.) Make sure you take their lives into consideration sometimes, too. I have seen it in other families, for example, one mom changes all the other 3 kids schedules whenever her daughter's schedule changes. They have had to quit their own activities, miss b-day parties, etc, all to accommodate the gymnast's schedule, their lives LITERALLY revolve around their sister's gymnastics. I've made my gymmie miss practice for something that little DD wanted to do. It can feel SO UNFAIR to have to miss out on things because your sibling has practice all the time or your sibling has a meet. Definitely can bring on those jealous feelings and rightly so. Of course, it can't be EVERY TIME, but it can be sometimes, for those really important things. Find a carpool, skip practice once in awhile, etc, but don't let the other kids constantly feel like THEIR lives revolve around gymnastics.

 

[Sunobo]

I started reading your post and about halfway through I wondered if your dd was 13 only to read a few lines later that she is 12. I think part of it is the age and part of it is trying to figure out where she fits in the grad scheme of things. My gym dd just turned 12 (Saturday) and my former gym dd is rapidly approaching 14.

The older dd does resent how much time is spent on younger dd's gym but I try and make a point of spending one on one time with her. I also make a point of reminding her of her strengths. She is also allowed to miss meets when they are nearby. She is nots a sports person but is interested in dance (anything but pointe) and is about to try out a power tumbling class. (She likes the floor and vault aspect of gymnastics but doesn't want any part of bars or beam). When she starts to complain, I remind her that I'm happy to drive her to outside interests but she has to tell me what may interest her. I can't read her mind. I'm willing to let her try things out until she finds what sparks her interest like theater, art, singing, ect. I also remind her that sometimes you have to put aside your own interests in order to support those you love and that sometimes her sister has to do things she doesn't really want to because it supports her.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

i think that they should always give tennis a try.

 

[lilgymmie7]

Our gymmy is the baby of the family. As the baby, she has grown up pretty spoiled. The two 'Head-Spoilers' are definitely her two older siblings. All of our kids are five and a half years apart from each other, so that means DD's older sister is 11 years apart in age from her. I think the age gap of the kids has really helped in smoothening out any jeolousy issues.
At first, when we enrolled 'baby' DD into gymnastics it was in order to allow her time to do something while older 'Sissy' was at practice. We never imagined that she would stick with it and older sis would be done with the sport. I also thought that because we as the parents pulled older sis from gym that she would harbor some resentment towards little sis. But I was so wrong...Thank goodness! Older sis still holds that against me at times, but never does she make a mean jab at her little sister. She is actually her biggest supporter. After every meet, she posts little DD's gym videos on her FB page for all of her friends to watch. She boosts so much about her; it brings tears to my eyes!
Now her older brother will tell everyone he knows, "C is the BEST gymnast! She will go to the Olympics, right Mom!" Little DD loves gym, but as for the Olympics- I'm really not holding my breath! What brother means to say is, "I'm proud of my 'Baby'!" He wakes up daily and asks, "Where's my Baby?"
All of my kids simply adore one another. The two older ones butt heads from time to time, but when it comes to supporting one another they are awesome! I often don't give them credit for this, and this post really opened my eyes about that factor. Thank you for starting this thread! I don't know what magic words there are about HOW to stop the jealousy issues. Mariposa was so right when she said ALL kids get like that every now and then. And I do think the key as a parent is to show each child that you love each of them uniquely for just being them. I remember taking my son on "Mom and Me dates" when he was little. He really needed those one on one times with me. Now he still gets that one on one time but it's with his Dad. He needs that with my husband because he is nearly a teen and they both share that "Manness" that I can't possibly breech.
Your older DD is at that age where everything revolves around them. At least, they think it should! I teach both 7th and 8th grades. I battle with that daily, and because they are not mine, I get to see that aspect with new eyes. Kids tend to say things they really don't mean, and most times it's because they are masking their feelings of inequality. They really need someone else to shine that 'spotlight' on their greatness before they can actually see that for themselves. It takes others to pin point some of our best and worst qualities to us, and we are adults. Why should it be different for children! Keep telling your DD you love her and do support her in all she wants to do. It may seem like it gets old, but children will far remember those words better than anything we can ever give them in 'token' form. Raising children is hard; remember that!

 

[busymomof4]

Your situation sounds very similar to mine. My older DD will be 12 in May and she is jealous of her little sister's success. I think she is proud of her, but she still tries to say I treat her differently. I have 4 children 14 yo DS who doesn't ever say anything, my "jealous" DD 11 and then twin girls who are 8. All 3 girls were in gymnastics at one time. 11 y.o. DD was an average/good gymnast she always scored in the middle of the pack. My twins were both doing very well, one usually would get 1st or 2nd place and the other twin would get around 3rd to 4th place. My twin that was usually in 3rd to 4th place at meets ended up with an injury where she was forced to quit and now does swim team. The other twin is now in level 8. She gets to do a lot of traveling and flying on an airplane which the others don't get to do. I try my best to treat each of my children equally and I support them in whatever they choose to do. It would not be fair to my 8y.o. to not let her do what she loves to do and is good at. My older DD quit gymnastics to take a year of dance and try out for JR. High cheerleader. She made the cheer team. I don't know if she decided to quit because her little sis caught up with her and was passing her by in gym?? I think part of her attitude is "hormones" since she is going through puberty. I spend a lot of money on her also so it really isn't a money thing and I don't spend time at the gym watching youngest DD either. I just try to support older DD and praise her in whatever she does and I also tell her that my DD who is still at gym works very hard and that it is not easy for her since she spends a lot of time at the gym. 8y.o. DD gives up a lot in order to do what she is doing and even though she is successful , it isn't as "glamourous" as my older DD thinks it is. I think it is the age and a way for older DD to try and "guilt" me into allowing her to ger her way with different situations. So I don't really have any great advice to give except that hopefully this is just a preteen phase and it will pass eventually

 

[Chocoholic]

This is a very difficult challenge for families. My DS, soon to be 12, is athletic but has never liked team sports. He enjoys skiing and biking and dancing. He tried T&T for a little bit; I think because he wanted to win a trophy and then we realized it just wasn't for him. I realized that what he needed was something that he could work hard at and excel in somewhat of a public way like his younger sister. Because he really enjoyed hiphop, we found a competitive hiphop team for him to join. Now that he has his own niche where he can feel proud of his accomplishments, he resents his little sister less.

 

[kimskids]

Thanks for the great insight ladies....I am still getting used to all of this so it is very helpful! You all pointed out some great things to consider! I am glad I am not the only one dealing with this!

 

[gymmom14]

We seem to just had role reversal in this house......My dd (l8, 14 yo) now seems to be jealous of my non gymmie (dd, 10yo). I think we
have spent so many years trying to make sure my non gymmie had a big fuss made over her about all her sports, that now my gymmie is jealous. DD#2 is a very good basketball, softball, soccer player. She has about a million games for us and our family to go see. My gymmie takes a carpool to gymnastics (6 days a week) and comes home late hearing about how great DD#2 did. Now don't get me wrong. We are always talking about how great my dd is at gymnastics, how strong she is, how flexible she is. She gets to go really cool places and stay in hotels for meets. She does fun things with her gym friends. I think we need to work on finding a better balance in this house.

 

[Mom2Gymgirls]

I sympathize with your situation. I am having some similar problems at home right now with my kids. My middle daughter is 13 and is jealous of the youngest, who is 9. I have been wondering if part of it was age, or partly due to middle child syndrome or what. My middle dd used to be very athletic. You name it, and she wanted to do it or try it, but she seems to be in a rut right now and not interested in anything. She's quit everything she used to do because she says she doesn't like it anymore and partly I think because of the friends she is hanging out with at school right now. Most of them don't do sports so I think she thought she was always missing out on stuff when she had practices or tournaments. However, now that she's not doing anything, she complains that I'm always with the youngest who does both gymnastics and swimming. I'm not sure what the answer to this is. I used to spend a lot of time with middle dd supporting her in her activities, so I guess I see how she would feel left out now that she's not doing anything. However, I've told her that I'm more than happy to support her if there's a hobby or anything else that she'd like to do, but she doesn't seem interested in anything right now.

The middle school years are so tough. I agree with what one of the posters said about this age of kids thinking that the world does or should revolve around them. They want to act so grown up but at the same time still like being a kid and having their parents around at times. I told my daughter recently that we are going to start some mom and me dates like another poster said she did with her son. This should give us some one on one time where she has my undivided attention every week and hopefully she won't feel so left out. Guess we'll see if this helps.

 

[Bobby]

We currently have a similar yet opposite problem.
Big sis is 6. Little sis likes gymnastics too, and just can't understand why big sis is allowed longer turns and more turns pw. Little sis thinks she has as much passion for gymnastics as big sis - so life really isn't fair in her eyes. Even if that turns out to be true in the long run (that she has equivalent passion), she will likely still get less gym time than her sister for some years yet because she'll still be younger ... and especially if she isn't labelled as having as much talent.
Having read through this thread I'm wondering more than ever about families where passion for activities are equal but opportunities are not.
As parents we can make equivalent fusses about everyone's talents/achievements and prioritise everyone equally with scheduling, but I'm not sure that will always address the source of siblings' envy?

 

[txgymfan]

Just remember jealously can come when any sibling is more successful or takes more of a parents time at any age. It may have happened with our without the gym.


Oddly enough, I volunteer at a large children's hospital and have heard similar discussions there. Siblings can be jealous of the chronically or seriously sick child (cancer, diabetes, sickle cell anemia, etc.). The hospital tries hard to meet the needs of siblings but it's difficult. The amount of time involved with one child is just not always equal and cannot be helped.

Be supportive of all of your children, love them, be honest with them and admit that although gym may take more time, it will/may balance out later and you love them just the same.

 

[my4buffaloes]

We have 4, my younger 2 don't care much. My oldest is 12. I think sometimes he gets a little jealous of all the attention my daughter gets. He is so happy for her when she does well, but I do think he gets frustrated with himself when he doesn't do as well as Emma does at gymnastics. He is a great athlete and is good at almost every sport he has ever tried. But the ADHD in him won't let him focus on only one thing and he jumps sports every single season and has his entire life.

It came to a head last year when he really wanted to do the travel soccer team. He thought it would be great to focus on one sport, really improve, etc. I think he wanted what Emma has. When it came time for the tryouts though - he decided not to even try out because he realized that if he made the travel soccer team it would all soccer all the time and there wouldn't be time for other sports. Since then he has been more content to be a solid player at whatever sport he chooses, but not a superstar at anything.

Every kid is different and you really can't compare (saying this more for your child than you). I would point out the various interests and talents that your older daughter has and make sure to never compare the two kids. Good luck!

 

[kimskids]

Thanks again for the tips. I am going to really focus on spending some quality time with my older daughter and see if this helps. She is very talented in other ways (such as she won the poster contest for the whole school last year and came in second this year) but she SO wants to be good at something athletic and she is just not one of the ones that is gifted that way. She does not have the natural ability OR the passion that makes you want to put it above everything else. Does not like pain at all and is not the most coordinated or graceful. Actually it sounds like she takes after me! LOL! I guess she thinks that being good at something where people go and cheer for you is better than things where you don't get as much recognition. She is very outgoing so I can see why she would want this. Thanks again!!

 

[Panda-girl's Mom]

I think age and personalities come into play. My oldest definitly is jealous of daughters gymnastics she is 15 younger sister is 11. I am involved with oldest daughters activites and volunteer to help out at most of her swim meets and I also try to go to most of her home field hockey games but she acts like she does not want me there. Youngest gymie would have a melt down if I missed one of her gym meets. I never stay for practice and only make her older sister go to 1 gym meet a year. Funny my youngest does not mind going to sisters games or swim meets she always finds other kids to hang out with. Youngest is definitly more serious about being on time for her practices if she is 5 minutes late the kid grabs my cell phone and calls the gym where her sister does not care if she is on time so when the 2 practices or conflicting I do proiritize her sisters gym schedule. She also does not mind being dropped off at the gym early so I will take her 1st, her sister does not want to be 10. Minutes early. Usually when daughter has a 4 hour practice I try to take the oldest out for lunch and shopping and this gives us specail time together you would think youngest would get jealous of this but she really does not care. It all seems to workout you can only do so much I am sure siblings are jealous of each other whether one does gymnastics or not.

 

[kimskids]

I know sibling jealousy is common I think I just am more aware of it because of our family situation......I am remarried with 2 kids from my previous marriage and my ex would tell "our" kids when they were little that I only cared about my daughter with my new hubby. Trying to hurt me through the kids not realizing how things you say to a child stick with them. I adore all my kids and would do anything for any of them but any little thing that does not seem fair to her seems to bring this back to her. My son is much more easy going and while he has friends he hangs out with (some of whom seem to live at my house!) he does not mind the time spent on gymnastics. There is also a 5 year age difference between them and they are different *** so they are not as competitive.....