WAG Need Help - Serious....

[gothgymmom]

DD was having problems today with school homework, and was crying uncontrollably about it. She said she doesnt think she can do anything. We have been having problems with her being "out of it" at gymnastics too, staying away from her team mates, etc. She says it has nothing to do with me because she knows ill be proud of her no matter what, but she doesnt believe in herself. Thats not good. I need help trying to figure out how to instill self confidence in her, not only for at school, but also her gymnastics. Please please please help me! I really dont know what to do, or say to her, other than I believe in her.

 

[Deleted member 14190]

Well, you can always cut her days back. I suspect its all connected. She is probably having a hard time at gym and it's spilling out to home life.
Is she having a specific skill block? I have had kids tell their parents that they want to quit and then we find out it's just over a BHS on beam or a Flyaway on bars...
Is she feeling pressure?
Do you watch workouts?
Are the kids passing her up?

 

[bogwoppit]

Not sure a message board full of strangers is the place for answers.

Does the school have a psychologist? If so, that is where I would begin.

Sounds like she is totally miserable and needs outside help. She needs coping skills and soon.

 

[GYM0M]

Classic symptoms of being overwhelmed and feeling lots of pressure (internal or external). She needs to find her balance. Talk to her about taking a break, not a long one, just long enough for her to focus on her and something that doesn't add pressure (family movie nights with popcorn and a really funny movie relieve stress in our house). Stress to her that she shouldn't strive to be the BEST bc no matter how good you are or get, someone will always be better. Instead, she should strive to be the BEST she can be & tell her that over the course of her journey through school and gymnastics, her BEST will fluctuate from time to time when other things need more of her attention & THAT IS PERFECTLY NORMAL. It should also be mentioned that you just want her to be happy & since she's not, you want to do whatever you can to help her get happy again!!!

 

[rosettasmom]

How old is she? I'm guessing there is an underlying cause and once you find the root of it, you'll be better able to sort out the rest. I think a lot of these younger gymnasts are very much type A personalities and once they start to feel like they are not "perfect" it is a hard pill to swallow.
It's definitely taking mine a while to get used to being in a new training group. She went from best to worst over night and it has defintely impacted more than just gym. School started taking a hit as well and that was not OK with us at all so we had to act quickly and efficiently.
I did find that once we found something for her to feel successful at (in this case it was school related and we worked with her teacher to make it impactful) the rest of her life fell back in place. She's still the youngest, newest, lowest skill wise, but she's more accepting of it and is starting to get a few new skills which is helping. It's all a bit cyclical for mine as once she starts to fall apart, it ALL falls apart. Then, once it starts to come together, it all comes together fairly quickly. And then... to fall apart again a bit later and start all over again!

 

[gothgymmom]

Well, you can always cut her days back. I suspect its all connected. She is probably having a hard time at gym and it's spilling out to home life.
Is she having a specific skill block? I have had kids tell their parents that they want to quit and then we find out it's just over a BHS on beam or a Flyaway on bars...
Is she feeling pressure?
Do you watch workouts?
Are the kids passing her up?

No specific skill blocks that I am aware of. If she is feeling pressure, I am not sure by whom. I can ask her if you think it is ok for me to. I do go to practice maybe once a week as my job prohibits me going more than that, and I watch all the girls though, not just her, and sometimes I am talking to another mother or playing on my phone. There were a few girls from her L2 team that went to an extra meet last summer to pass Lvl 3 and go straight to 4, and there are a few girls in her L3 team right now that are better than she is ( one got a 38 AA score this season already) and DD has only gotten 1 34+ and thats the best shes ever done.

 

[gothgymmom]

Not sure a message board full of strangers is the place for answers.

Does the school have a psychologist? If so, that is where I would begin.

Sounds like she is totally miserable and needs outside help. She needs coping skills and soon.

Bog, Thank you for being brutally honest about that, but I have no one else to talk to who knows what a gymnsts life is like, thats why I came here. The school does have a counselor, so I will see what I can do to get her to talk to her.

 

[Ali'sMom]

Definitely overwhelmed inside her own brain.

When I was an older teenager, young 20s, and I would get that way, my mom would say "time to wring out your pantyhose" (I have NO idea where the phrase came from), it meant it was time to just have an afternoon to chill and regroup my brain.

Is there a time soon that you and she can go to lunch, and wander around the mall, or go to the zoo, or something like that? I know it sounds trivial, but a new outlook for an afternoon could help.

can I guess that she's also pre-pubescent?

 

[MILgymFAM]

Ok, I may sound mean, but if your DD is beating herself up this badly at L3, this may not be the sport for her. I have told both of my girls that the minute this whole crazy sport ceases to be fun, they are moving on. How old/what grade is your DD? I had the impression of elementary school? I would be worried because both gym and school will only get harder from here on out, and if she is the perfectionist sort she is going to be beating herself up for years. One of my DDs is like that, but luckily gym (even when she is doing terribly) is her respite from the world. That's why she does it. If she isn't a perfectionist then I would be looking for the underlying problem, because there is one. I agree that talking to the school counselor or psychologist would be my first stop. This is behavior that you are right to take seriously.

 

[gothgymmom]

Thanks everyone. I will take everyones advice, mull it over and talk to DH and DD about it. Cant really take a break now as there is a meet every single weekend this month, and then states next month. Maybe that will be her last meet for the season. I know over Christmas break, she had no gym for 2 weeks straight and that was really hard on her lol. She kept asking me when she was going back to gym. She was so excited when break was over lol. Maybe ill talk to HC and see if that would be ok to do again, and explain why.

 

[gothgymmom]

Definitely overwhelmed inside her own brain.

When I was an older teenager, young 20s, and I would get that way, my mom would say "time to wring out your pantyhose" (I have NO idea where the phrase came from), it meant it was time to just have an afternoon to chill and regroup my brain.

Is there a time soon that you and she can go to lunch, and wander around the mall, or go to the zoo, or something like that? I know it sounds trivial, but a new outlook for an afternoon could help.

can I guess that she's also pre-pubescent?

She is 8

 

[COz]

...there is a meet every single weekend this month, and then states next month.

Sounds pretty exhausting for everyone involved...

 

[COz]

Also, don't forget to talk to her coach. They may be able to give more information about she is behaving in class that may be helpful when you speak to someone else.
Her coach spends hours with her and is probably good at judging if she is just tired. She may also have concerns that she'd like to raise with you.

 

[Ali'sMom]

She is 8

Too young for hormonal mood swings ;(
If it's in school took, and she's avoiding teammates, etc, I would think it's more than just thinking her gymnastics isn't so great.
If my daughter was acting this way at this age, I'd set aside a time to ask her (REALLY ask her) what is wrong. List off anything possible, and as she's at her limit and saying "No" to all the possibilites of what is wrong (Did someone at school say something? Did you and BFF have a fight? Is there a new teacher you don't like?" etc, There just might be one "I don't know" that will indicate.

I have a high strung child, and I used to have to pull things like this out of her.. Half the time it was something that I never would have dreamt at all.
When she started not wanting to be left alone at gymnastics, I kept pushing and pushing was it skill related? is it something with the coaches? is she getting bullied? Turned out that her friend that was her age (the rest are younger) had left. It took 2 weeks to get that out of her. Because it wasn't a surface "I miss her", it was deeper that she felt all alone (even though she obviously wasn't) and couldn't put it into words.

Good luck!

 

[sce]

Ok, I may sound mean, but if your DD is beating herself up this badly at L3, this may not be the sport for her. I have told both of my girls that the minute this whole crazy sport ceases to be fun, they are moving on. How old/what grade is your DD? I had the impression of elementary school? I would be worried because both gym and school will only get harder from here on out, and if she is the perfectionist sort she is going to be beating herself up for years. One of my DDs is like that, but luckily gym (even when she is doing terribly) is her respite from the world. That's why she does it. If she isn't a perfectionist then I would be looking for the underlying problem, because there is one. I agree that talking to the school counselor or psychologist would be my first stop. This is behavior that you are right to take seriously.

I guess I don't fully agree with his. First, is it gym that's bringing her down, as it sounds like it's school too so gym might not be the issue. Second, there are going to be hard patches in any sport, learning to persevere and not just stop is a good lesson. I'm not saying stay forever but in nay part of life even good things will be hard sometimes.

I too agree that talking with a counselor, either at school or privately would be a good start.

 

[sce]

Too young for hormonal mood swings ;(
If it's in school took, and she's avoiding teammates, etc, I would think it's more than just thinking her gymnastics isn't so great.
Good luck!

Not too young necessarily, but it's only one possibility. Either way she needs help leanring to cope with the feelings.

 

[Anna's_Mom]

Having been through both "normal" meltdowns and a child with a serious mental health breakdown, any time I see that someone is spirally downward here I always start with the "basics" checklist. Before you do anything else, see if any of these things has slipped for your daughter:
1. Enough sleep. Especially for our athletic kids, this is absolutely crucial and absolutely tough to accomplish. If necessary, tell her teachers she's not doing homework in favor of enough sleep this week. Really, at 8 her grades aren't a big deal.
2. Healthy eating. Too much fast food / quick snacks / no family meals? Our schedules get so busy with kids going to this practice and that activity that we start feeding them what is easy but not necessarily what is the best.
3. Enough family downtime? When was the last time you all watched a movie? Had an outing day? Made dinner together? Whatever is relaxing and centering.
4. If you have a faith connection, are you skipping services? Especially if you have meets every weekend.

And finally, when was the last time you said "I love you", not when she had done something but "just because"? Sometimes I look at the last few days and am horrified to realize I haven't just hugged my kids and reminded them that I loved them.

So if all of those things are in good balance, then start talking to teachers and coaches about what might be going on that you aren't seeing. Bullying/teasing at school or at the gym? Transition in the classroom throwing her for a loop? Argument with her best friend? So many possibilities and all of them seem to take on such tremendous importance at that age.

 

[COz]

^ that. All of that!

 

[gothgymmom]

Having been through both "normal" meltdowns and a child with a serious mental health breakdown, any time I see that someone is spirally downward here I always start with the "basics" checklist. Before you do anything else, see if any of these things has slipped for your daughter:
1. Enough sleep. Especially for our athletic kids, this is absolutely crucial and absolutely tough to accomplish. If necessary, tell her teachers she's not doing homework in favor of enough sleep this week. Really, at 8 her grades aren't a big deal.
2. Healthy eating. Too much fast food / quick snacks / no family meals? Our schedules get so busy with kids going to this practice and that activity that we start feeding them what is easy but not necessarily what is the best.
3. Enough family downtime? When was the last time you all watched a movie? Had an outing day? Made dinner together? Whatever is relaxing and centering.
4. If you have a faith connection, are you skipping services? Especially if you have meets every weekend.

And finally, when was the last time you said "I love you", not when she had done something but "just because"? Sometimes I look at the last few days and am horrified to realize I haven't just hugged my kids and reminded them that I loved them.

So if all of those things are in good balance, then start talking to teachers and coaches about what might be going on that you aren't seeing. Bullying/teasing at school or at the gym? Transition in the classroom throwing her for a loop? Argument with her best friend? So many possibilities and all of them seem to take on such tremendous importance at that age.

She gets alot of sleep. Bed around 8 or so on school nights, but on gym nights its not until like 10 or so.
She does eat alot, and very healthy as well. She eats more fruits and veggies than any kid I know, but we make her eat meat as well so shes getting her good stuff from that as well.
Family downtime : She actually just made me a special lunch on Sunday, on the days that I have off as thats the only time that im home for dinner ( my schedule is 3pm-11pm) she normally helps me cook and then we eat together. We try to watch movies or tv together as often as we can, but when we try she normally either doesnt pay attention or asks questions all through the movie lol. Shes not much of a tv watcher and never really has been.
She goes to sunday school pretty much every sunday as thankfully her meets are on saturdays lol. We normally have service right after that, but however church has been having been delayed alot recently for personal reasons.
And I tell her I Love her all of the time. More than I probably should though lol. I get her before school. And since most of the time I dont get to see her when she gets home as I am at work, When I get home and shes sleeping already, first thing I do after I get changed is to go in and whisper in her ear that Im home and that I love her and to have a good night. She was sitting on my lap earlier today actually watching walking dead with her cousins, and I would just casually lean over and hug her and cuddle and tell her that I love her.

I do believe that she hasnt hit that certain level of maturity yet, as she thinks everyone is being mean to her when they dont laugh at a joke she thinks is hilarious, or when they walk away from her. I told her lastnight that in this world, not everyone is going to like her and not everyone is going to laugh at her jokes. I gave her ideas on how to have more fun at the gym, like when going to sit in circle, (not during the meeting, just right before) to go sit on someones lap and laugh. things like that.
I just messaged her coach, and she said she is going to look into it and see what she can do to help. There are a few kids at school she says pick on her, and actually she got punched in the jaw yesterday by a 5th grade boy on the bus. Shes in 3rd grade. and to top it all off, when she went to defend herself, the boy ran away! I was livid! I called the school and talked to the principal, and HC is also a teacher at the sister school, and she knows the teacher of the kid, so Im not sure if she is going to say something to her as well.

 

[Anna's_Mom]

Didn't mean to imply these things were/weren't happening, just where I start. Sounds like you are doing a whole lot better than I am! Good that you are getting feedback from coach and teacher - I hope they have some insight for you. And I would be beyond furious if my child were hurt on the school bus.