Parents How to help her deal with the pressure?

[notthatmom]

Last night, before she went to bed, DD (who is 7, almost 8) told me "I'm kind of sad today" ....I asked her why, and she said "I don't think I'm going to make it to state"

They have one qualifying meet left, and although she's close, she hasn't qualified yet. I told her that I'm proud of her whether she makes it to state or not, and that she's an awesome gymnast and has accomplished a LOT in the last year. I told her whether or not she makes it she's going to get her grips soon and start training on the high bar (bars are her favorite event and she's stoked to get her grips), she didn't seem thrilled with my "alternative fact of excitement". I think there is a lot of pressure at our gym in particular to make state (the majority of our girls do every year) so I can see why she thinks not making it would be the end of the world.

Do any of you have tips on what else I can do to keep my 7 year old from feeling like she's a failure? This is a tough sport and the kids have to grow up fast in a sense, I feel like my kid in particular was born a grown-up, I have to remind her to be a kid on the daily and not worry so much....

Also, I've mentioned on here before that if she does make state I'd be thrilled and I'd do something really fun for her to celebrate, but I have NOT said anything about that to her yet, I don't want her to feel pressure from me what so ever....the only discussion I've had with her was when we talked about what her qualifying score needs to be....that's it. So I think a lot of the pressure comes from her coaches and teammates.

Ahhh I just want to hug her all day long so she's not so torn up about this.


Any advice?

 

[GymnsticsLife]

One thing that helps me is thinking that if almost ANY other kid my age were to compete in this competition they would not even get a 10 AA score. That she is SO good compared to some other 7 year old kids. Make sure she knows how AMAZING it is that she can do this stuff.

PS Do that super fun thing to "celebrate" even if she doesn't make it to states.

 

[MILgymFAM]

I was just going to say something similar to Gymnasticslife.

Celebrate the season, not the meet. Whatever your exciting thing was for states, do it for having a great season and tell her you're doing it because you want to celebrate her as a gymnast- that she works so hard and you're so proud of her.

At lower levels states really should be treated as just another meet. It doesn't matter in the grand scheme of their gymnastics career whether or not they made it to L3/4/5 states, and it should have zero effect on anything else either.

We, as parents, have a strong influence on our kids feelings about stuff like this, and more we down play it the less it will be a BIG DEAL to them.

 

[CLgym]

I wish I had some super great advice -- only sympathy. It's heart wrenching when your kid feels sad like that! This will not make your DD feel better, but as a parent with teenagers (one who is very involved in another sport), valuable lessons are learned even when the outcome is not what your child hoped for. My oldest DS was the only one cut from his team one year & on other teams has been benched, had losing seasons, etc. As a parent it was sometimes painful to watch, but I can honestly say that he is now a more successful athlete and a far better teammate then many of the kids who had it "easier" at a young age in their sport.

Of the 15 girls in my DD's joint L4/5 group this year, only one did not qualify to State (by two tenths!). And she is the oldest on the team by a year. I have been amazed by her grace and resilience. She told the girls she will be there to cheer them on. I bet she has one proud mama!!

And I also vote to celebrate a successful season -- State meet or not. (My DD asked me after the last meet if she could get a leo if she hit a certain score bc apparently some teammates have worked out such a deal with their parents -- my response was that she can pick out a leo at the last meet of the season no matter what her scores are -- because she has accomplished so much this year!)

Good luck on that final qualifying meet. I hope all of your concern is for not!

 

[MuggleMom]

(My DD asked me after the last meet if she could get a leo if she hit a certain score bc apparently some teammates have worked out such a deal with their parents -- my response was that she can pick out a leo at the last meet of the season no matter what her scores are -- because she has accomplished so much this year!)

I do this with my daughter I tell her she can pick out a leotard IF: She tries her best and she is a good sport. Then we talk about what it means to be a good sport. I never make it based on scores. I do say she should try and score better than last meet but if not no big deal. So at the end of the meet I ask her if we get to go pick out a leotard I really enjoy talking about sportsmanship with her she wont be going to the Olympics but she will be a good person if I have anything to say about it

Every now and again DD asks me "Mom what if I fall?" so I say "Ok what if you fall? What will happen? Will I stop loving you if you fall?" and she laughs and says no "Will your coaches yell at you kick you off team if you fall?" she laughs and says no "Will the world end?" Laughs more and says no. "So then if you fall you fall you get back up and keep trying your best" It helps her calm down a lot. You can try that with your daughter. Acknowledge her fear and say whats really the worst that will happen if you don't make it to state? Will it suck sure, but will the world end...nope.

 

[twocurlygirlz]

I just want to say I love this "alternative fact of excitement"- I do this all the time. It so rarely helps but its my deflection attempt! Maybe you can just make reachable goals for the next meet with her- stick your turn on beam, keep your shape on vault, just a few things to focus on at the meet instead of just making state. And maybe give her a small incentive for doing those things- or maybe the goal is to just beat her last best AA whatever it is and ice cream after? It so hard at this age it does get a little better as they get older but not much, she will learn to celebrate all victories no matter how little over the years =)

 

[Deleted member 18037]

We can not prevent feelings. You can't fix it. And she is entitled to feel sad.

Make sure she knows that is OK. Focus on the work, effort and improvement. On the long term goal of getting better and moving up.

Now. These are my feelings when it comes to dealing with esteem issues. I realize many will disagree and that is fine. Cool thing if it doesn't work for you, ignore it.

I think my kid is the most awesome wonderful kid on the planet. I think she hung the moon. And I tell her that often.

Bear with me here.

We did a mommy and me class a long time ago. Craft project. 3 yr olds using precut stuff and glue. One mom wandering around telling all the kids they were the next Picasso. This had me scratching my head as they were barely old enough to hold a crayon.

My daughter is not an "awesome" gymnast. Simone, Ally, Gabby, Madison, Laurie, the Elites, Div 1 girls are awesome gymnast. My girl is a good, solid, whatever level she is gymnast. She is my favorite gymnast. I love watching her do gymnastics. I love her BWO, I think it's awesome. Her vault last meet was awesome. The difference is subtle but important I think. I think it would of confused her, especially at a young age to be told she is an awesome gymnast and yet not get a medal or potentially not qualify for something. Yes I think she is awesome, but the whole world, not so much.

Not a fan of over praising or rather to be clearer, of general vague praise. I want her to have good self esteem that comes from doing the work. So I tell her the things I want her to tell herself.

So I don't tell her things like she is the smartest kid ever when she gets a great report card. I tell her wow that was a great job. You really worked hard and it shows in this amazing report card. She is a smart kid, a B vs an A doesn't change that, but her effort can.

No amazing gymnast here. It goes like this. Sorry your bars weren't so hot today. They'll get better. But wow, that vault was awesome. You floated over the table. Your hard work paid off. We never mention scores or placements.

Last story, A couple of years ago I guess the kids were chatting about states. Apparently some of the parents reward placement and or qualifying. So my kid said if I qualify for regionals (This was their Xcel season) you should take me out for ice cream. So I asked her. Why? Her reply, well because I did good. So I said well if I say no to ice cream does it mean you will just not do your best at the meet because there is no ice cream. Because I expect you to do your best at every meet? Or what if you do great but have one mistake and don't qualify? Does that mean you are not good? And she was like no, I always do my best. So I said great how about this. When meet season is over let's go out for ice cream, to celebrate all your hard work, more free time on the weekends, no matter what your scores are or what you qualify for.

So my long story, yep she is sad right now, giver her her moment and a hug. And then refocus her on specifics what she does well and what needs work.

Just my quarters worth, your mileage may vary.

 

[notthatmom]

Thank you so much for everyone's encouraging responses, it definitely helps a lot! @Deleted member 18037 "she's entitled to feel sad" is so true and so reassuring, I said something similar to this to her when the team as a whole had a particularly difficult meet, they came off a high of taking first at the previous meet and took second to last at the hard meet, I said something along the lines of "while it's sad you guys lost, it's good you know how it feels because that's going to encourage you to do better at the next one"

I definitely am going to do something special for her at the end of the season no matter what, and the girls are all getting a gift bag which includes a leo.

I think it's also helpful to her that she has such a great support system from our friends and family members who aren't familiar with the gym world who see videos of this tiny kid performing and are shocked at what she can do.

I also think that I will see if she wants to go to state anyway to cheer on her teammates if she doesn't make it, it will teach her good sportsmanship and help her know to encourage her teammates!

I definitely praise her for what she does, and I don't make her think I have expectations for her that she thinks she has to achieve. I do keep some things to myself though...an example of that is her coach (who doesn't give compliments for no reason) has told me "she is one of the strongest girls on the team, and she's incredibly smart for her age, she's one of the only kids who doesn't 'cheat' at conditioning and she is very focused"
I did not tell DD this for a couple reasons, I don't want her to gloat to her teammates about what the coach said, that would result in complete jealousy.....and also, I don't want her to think she is "good enough" and doesn't need to improve or work harder.

I'm so proud of what she can do, and how at such a young age she does/handles so much and always wants to do more. To me, that makes her a star athlete more than any AA score will ever do.

 

[notthatmom]

We can not prevent feelings. You can't fix it. And she is entitled to feel sad.

Make sure she knows that is OK. Focus on the work, effort and improvement. On the long term goal of getting better and moving up.

Now. These are my feelings when it comes to dealing with esteem issues. I realize many will disagree and that is fine. Cool thing if it doesn't work for you, ignore it.

I think my kid is the most awesome wonderful kid on the planet. I think she hung the moon. And I tell her that often.

Bear with me here.

We did a mommy and me class a long time ago. Craft project. 3 yr olds using precut stuff and glue. One mom wandering around telling all the kids they were the next Picasso. This had me scratching my head as they were barely old enough to hold a crayon.

My daughter is not an "awesome" gymnast. Simone, Ally, Gabby, Madison, Laurie, the Elites, Div 1 girls are awesome gymnast. My girl is a good, solid, whatever level she is gymnast. She is my favorite gymnast. I love watching her do gymnastics. I love her BWO, I think it's awesome. Her vault last meet was awesome. The difference is subtle but important I think. I think it would of confused her, especially at a young age to be told she is an awesome gymnast and yet not get a medal or potentially not qualify for something. Yes I think she is awesome, but the whole world, not so much.

Not a fan of over praising or rather to be clearer, of general vague praise. I want her to have good self esteem that comes from doing the work. So I tell her the things I want her to tell herself.

So I don't tell her things like she is the smartest kid ever when she gets a great report card. I tell her wow that was a great job. You really worked hard and it shows in this amazing report card. She is a smart kid, a B vs an A doesn't change that, but her effort can.

No amazing gymnast here. It goes like this. Sorry your bars weren't so hot today. They'll get better. But wow, that vault was awesome. You floated over the table. Your hard work paid off. We never mention scores or placements.

Last story, A couple of years ago I guess the kids were chatting about states. Apparently some of the parents reward placement and or qualifying. So my kid said if I qualify for regionals (This was their Xcel season) you should take me out for ice cream. So I asked her. Why? Her reply, well because I did good. So I said well if I say no to ice cream does it mean you will just not do your best at the meet because there is no ice cream. Because I expect you to do your best at every meet? Or what if you do great but have one mistake and don't qualify? Does that mean you are not good? And she was like no, I always do my best. So I said great how about this. When meet season is over let's go out for ice cream, to celebrate all your hard work, more free time on the weekends, no matter what your scores are or what you qualify for.

So my long story, yep she is sad right now, giver her her moment and a hug. And then refocus her on specifics what she does well and what needs work.

Just my quarters worth, your mileage may vary.

In response to the "what if I fall?".... DD has asked this before, and I tell her "ok, then you'll fall, you're so close to the ground I promise you you'll barely feel it.....if you get hurt, so be it, if you break something, it will heal, that's just what happens....your fear of falling is going to keep you from accomplishing things more than actually falling will" don't care if that's harsh, because it's the truth....and she gets it

 

[thefellowsmom]

The only thing I would add is we always talk about what she can control and what she can't. The only thing you can control is you. You can't control what other people say or do, how the equipment feels that day (a biggie for my dd) and you can't control the scores. What you can control is your work ethic and performance in the gym. Go in the gym with focus and intention and work hard at getting better every day. That's all you can do.

She is little so I don't know how well she would take to setting goals, but i would ask my dd what she needs to improve and help her set some daily goals for practice. Sometimes that looks like really focusing and staying in the moment across practice, sometimes that looks like fixing a certain skill or working on finishing her skills.

She took the quote "good, better, best. Never t it rest. Until your good is better and your better is best" and adapted it to her needs. She says...

Each turn better than the last until good is better and better is best.

And you can tell her that my dd didn't qualify to state her first year and had to repeat and now she is a level nine and hoping to compete in her first hopes competition this year.

It's all part of this amazing journey. Just tell her to keep working hard and having fun. The outcome is unknown but the journey is so worth it, no matter what the outcome is.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

In response to the "what if I fall?".... DD has asked this before, and I tell her "ok, then you'll fall, you're so close to the ground I promise you you'll barely feel it.....if you get hurt, so be it, if you break something, it will heal, that's just what happens....your fear of falling is going to keep you from accomplishing things more than actually falling will" don't care if that's harsh, because it's the truth....and she gets it

Yep, they are going to fall. No sense in saying otherwise.

 

[SMH]

Celebrate her achievements, improvements and all the gains she has made this season. Remind her of all the amazing things she has learned and done!
You sound like you are supporting her- I know it's heartbreaking to be a parent and not be able to 'fix' a problem, especially for tiny kids (mine is also a 7 yr old gymnast).
This is our first competitive season too, and boy has it been full of ups and downs. It's okay to feel sad, even disappointed. I wish her luck in her last qualifying meet, I hope she rocks it!

 

[l.c.o]

I posted a similarly-themed thread regarding my son in a social group a bit ago. My DS also picks up on "alternative facts of excitement" or whatnot, so it's a struggle. He knows he's having a fairly rough season, and there's not much I can say that helps.

How about having her write down a few (attainable, non-state related) goals before the next meet, and then when she meets them, she can celebrate that?

For my DS, I remind him that the only things that he can change are his effort, attitude, focus, and commitment. The rest (judges, his age group, competitors, coaching, injuries, illness, off day, etc, etc) he really cannot control. I do ask him whether he's enjoying practice, and whether it's still worth it, as practice is, what... >95% of his time in gymnastics. So far, he says yes most days. I try to shift the focus from meet-specific to gymnastics in general.

We've sorta learned over the years that it works with my kids to celebrate the little things rather than the big things. For my DD's first optional meet, she fell three times on beam. We celebrated the fact that she connected her series and got credit, even though it tanked her AA score. Another day, I bought my DS a tiny cake when he first connected more than one mushroom circle in practice. We made up a silly song and lit a candle... Those types of things.

Would your DD enjoy cheering teammates on at state, or upset that hurt her more? Perhaps making a day of it watching the competition either would be fun for her, and maybe it would take some stress off "making state" if she gets to go watch, anyway. You could have a nice lunch, etc. Or plan another fun activity the day/weekend of state...

Sending hugs. I know it isn't easy.

 

[l.c.o]

^sorry for typos - in a rush.

 

[Mrs. Puma]

Wow! So much good advice here. First of all...hugs...I've been there. Like last week. Puma Jr did end up making States by the skin of her teeth in the last meet, but if she hadn't...well, I'm still super proud of her progress no matter what. Definitely celebrate the season, not the meet. Celebrate the progress. Great point with allowing her the feel sad for a short period, great point about how we as parents have a strong influence on our kids. They take their cues from us. Puma Jr does well with stories about my own suceesess and failures and how I've handled them, what I've learned from them. This is a crazy hard sport! Remind her she can do amazing things that most humans on the planet will never be able to do! And that's it's not about scores really. It's about doing the best you can and improving. Good luck!!! And lastly...

alternative fact of excitement".

....literally LOLing...

 

[2gymkids]

Lots of good advice here. It's SO tough for the little ones to keep everything in perspective. My 9 year old has had a relatively tough season....the first two meets were BRUTAL and the next one was SO much better. But, she was the only kid on her team to walk away without an event medal (even though she had the second highest AA on her team). She was SO upset even though my husband and I could not stop smiling because she had really worked hard and made huge improvements (almost 4 points to her AA in 6 weeks is pretty amazing). It was quickly clear that in the moment, trying to cheer her up through her tears (which she held in until the car) was not going to help. We eventually just let her be upset for a little while. We asked about halfway home what she wanted for dinner and when she said nothing, she wasn't hungry, my husband piped up with "Man, I really thought we were going to be getting celebratory pizza or Wendys!" I think it finally started to dawn on her at that point that we were cheering and celebrating how far she'd come, even if she was having a tough time seeing it....and that we weren't making it up to make her feel better. We were really smiling from ear to ear. She did come around. And the next meet, when she walked away empty handed, there were no tears. She came home and made up a conditioning routine, lol. I'm babbling but the point is, it's tough. We were at risk of not qualifying for states, too, and she kept asking "what if I don't qualify?" and my response was "then we go cheer on your team and you try again next year." She did end up qualifying at the last meet but if she hadn't, then she would have been sad....but kids bounce back faster than we give them credit for. It's so tough seeing them so disappointed but I daresay she has learned SO much this year about working hard and continuing to push through and be motivated. She may not be the gymnast on the top of the podium, but she has improved so much it's hard to believe it's even the same kid out there. Big hugs- I hope she does it, and if she doesn't, you'll know the right thing to do. Celebrate how hard she's worked and how far she's come!

 

[MomIdidit!]

Huge viral hugs from over here as well. We are cheering for your girl!!

 

[notthatmom]

So update: DD didn't make state by like 6 tenths of a dang point!

I am of course still so flippin proud of her, she has come so far since just a few months ago! She knows how proud I am and she's proud of herself, she's bummed of course but she's almost over it already and wants to go to state to cheer on her teammates!

Thanks to everyone for your encouragement, it has helped calmed me down and helped me help DD to know this is nowhere near the end of the world.

She's now looking forward to seeing her teammates at state, and counting down the days until she gets her grips!

 

[txgymfan]

So glad she is handeling it well. The pressure is off she can have fun and start working for next season.

 

[NY Dad]

Sorry, she didn't make it.

she's bummed of course but she's almost over it already and wants to go to state to cheer on her teammates!

The hard lessons our kids learn years before their non gymmie friends. Nice to hear she's handling it so well. I'm sure her teammates will appreciate her being there to cheer them on.