Parents I love this blog!

[UGA2016]

This blog shines a light on the difficulties many parents face in the world of gymnastics. No matter which country you are from, the narratives may well resonate with your own experiences.

The following post entitled 'I wish I had known' discusses the coaching environment and the impact an ego centred coaching philosophy can have on a child's mental wellbeing which may continue to impact on their adult lives long after they have retired from the sport.

I wish I had known.

Since beginning this blog I have had numerous parents and gymnasts reach out to me as some of my posts have resonated with their own experiences and I have been asked on a few occasions to post a n…

warriorsinleotards.com

 

[3rd_time_around]

I don’t know, the beginning of the article explains most sports today, not just gymnastics. The narrative shared was really extreme, in my opinion. Many gymnasts are already perfectionist personalities, so I don’t think the sport makes them that way. Also, I don’t agree that gymnastics leads to only externally motivated people. My former gymnast daughters are both very internally motivated, confident, well-spoken, mature, and leaders (compared to my non-gymnast children who have little confidence in their abilities, are not internally motivated and actually need much external motivation and rewards to do much of anything, and are more introverted than their sisters). My ydd has blossomed from a scared-of-her-own-shadow, insecure child to a confident, extroverted child who understands that hard work yields results. She may decide at any time that she’s done, and that will be ok. I’ve seen that gymnasts make great athletes no matter what sport they choose afterwards, if any, and they are usually good students as well.

There are always bad examples to go with every good example, and our journey wasn’t perfect. There were times of mental frustration and exhaustion, personality conflicts, mean girls (but they are everywhere anyway), coaches that weren’t always fair or nice, and there are physical reminders of their time in the sport that are most likely permanent (but I have physical reminders from my days playing softball and basketball, so unless you never play sports or never just walk around, you will most likely experience these same things), but overall the sport has been a positive part of our lives. It would be nice if it didn’t cost so much, though! (And I never said it was perfect or always sunny, so please save the comments about that).

 

[NutterButter]

I already knew I had a sensitive, deep thinking, quiet, and perfectionist child on my hands before she started in gymnastics. Because of that, it was important to me that I find a gym environment that would support these individual traits and give her every opportunity to thrive. If anything, my DD has learned to put her competitive/perfectionist traits in perspective and this could have been difficult, if not impossible, under different coaching.

 

[JBS]

However, with the benefit of hindsight, I now recognise that you never quite ‘leave’ the sport of gymnastics – what your learn within those gym walls stays with you and impacts on your life forever.

Really weird comment... I can say without a doubt that tons of things in my life have impacted me forever.

 

[UGA2016]

I believe the post is saying the type of environment imbued by the coach can reflect on the athlete (whether gymnast or other athlete) in both negative and positive ways. I like the fact the author of the blog uses empirical research and is not just their point of view or opinion. Each of their posts highlight issues within sport that are beneficial for parents to be aware of, educating parents as to what good/bad practice looks like gives them the power to help protect their children and make informed choices.

If parents remove their children from clubs that foster a negative coaching culture the clubs will either have to change or close due to lack of funds. I can only see this as a positive for the sport (and all sports).

 

[Cheryl]

I think of gymnastics as being just as demanding physically as mentally, and it takes a certain mentality to not only overcome the fears that the sport physically demands, but also to be able to go out by yourself at a pretty young age and perform difficult feats of agility in front of at least a hundred people knowing that there’s a very good chance you will make an error. Then you have to be judged on skills that you have been learning for months and wait to see how you stack up against your peers. If you mess up one event you have to put it out of your mind and move on without fear 15 minutes later to do it all again.

I realized today that my son has been doing gymnastics for half his life. The commitment for both child and parent is enormous. My kid is pretty quirky outside gym.I think gym has given him a pretty good lesson in resilience and given him a strong support system to do his best, both at school and gym. He has had learning disability but been able to conquer it probably due to the fact that he is willing to practice over and over until he gets it right.
Sure, there have been low points when he is late getting a skill or a coach made him feel bad about his ability, but unlike team sports he knows he can’t blame a loss or failure on anyone but himself. He also has a strong work ethic, which my other child lacked because academics came naturally. He’s a much more driven child, but if not for the structure and demands of gym, I could see him easily lacking in confidence and slipping through the cracks at school because he is not great socially. Gym has given him a great group of core friends that is making his progress through adolescence easier.
Some day it will end, but I think the pros have outweighed the cons. Sorry for the length of this, but he is far less anxious than my other kid because he is used to setbacks and doesn’t internalize it much. Unlike my other kid who thought the world was ending if she didn’t get an A

 

[Deleted member 18037]

Really weird comment... I can say without a doubt that tons of things in my life have impacted me forever.

I don't know that its weird.

They didn't say other things didn't impact their life. Just that gymnastics did.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

also to be able to go out by yourself at a pretty young age and perform difficult feats of agility in front of at least a hundred people knowing that there’s a very good chance you will make an error.

And oddly I think this why my kid competes well. She doesn't like to draw attention to herself. I think the reason why gymnastics worked for her especially when she was really young (she was way more shy back then) is meets feel much like practice.

Yes there were way more people. But much like practice there was 4 events going on at the same time. And lots of other activity going on around the place, again much like practice. So she never feels like all those people are looking at her. And in fact she would had a really hard time with say a music solo where all eyes were on her and only her. At a gym meet there is so much going on other then the judges, her team mates, coaches and us she feels no one is really paying attention to her.

 

[JBS]

I don't know that its weird.

They didn't say other things didn't impact their life. Just that gymnastics did.

Right... so then they know that things impact the lives of people... but didn't think that 6 years in gymnastics would.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

Right... so then they know that things impact the lives of people... but didn't think that 6 years in gymnastics would.

I rather took it as them reflecting back and as it was about gymnastics they just didn't mention all the other things.

 

[triplethreat+1]

I rather took it as them reflecting back and as it was about gymnastics they just didn't mention all the other things.

I think that the point is that obviously anything you do for 6 years will impact your life... Mentioning it makes it seem like it was unexpected or something, which is kind of weird.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

I think that the point is that obviously anything you do for 6 years will impact your life... Mentioning it makes it seem like it was unexpected or something, which is kind of weird.

I don't know I think its more weird gymnastics is seen as the blame regarding the negative things about the daughter.

However, over the passage of time, as gymnastics became firmly part of her past and no longer part of her present, I have realised that it wasn’t all positive – that gymnastics has also had quite a negative impact on her personality. She is a total perfectionist and her own biggest critic. She picks tiny faults in everything she does – nothing she ever does is ever quite good enough – there is always room for criticism and improvement. She places very little value on her own worth – instead she constantly compares herself to, and values her own worth against, others. Her inner critic is constantly whispering in her ear – “X is better than you”, or “if only you could do Y better”. No amount of positive reassurance is ever able to silence that negative inner voice of hers!

I'm thinking that personality type doesn't happen from being a gymnast. I would expect the child to be just as hard on herself no matter what.

In fact I think its the other way around, that type ends up in the gym.

 

[triplethreat+1]

I don't know I think its more weird gymnastics is seen as the blame regarding the negative things about the daughter.

However, over the passage of time, as gymnastics became firmly part of her past and no longer part of her present, I have realised that it wasn’t all positive – that gymnastics has also had quite a negative impact on her personality. She is a total perfectionist and her own biggest critic. She picks tiny faults in everything she does – nothing she ever does is ever quite good enough – there is always room for criticism and improvement. She places very little value on her own worth – instead she constantly compares herself to, and values her own worth against, others. Her inner critic is constantly whispering in her ear – “X is better than you”, or “if only you could do Y better”. No amount of positive reassurance is ever able to silence that negative inner voice of hers!

I'm thinking that personality type doesn't happen from being a gymnast. I would expect the child to be just as hard on herself no matter what.

In fact I think its the other way around, that type ends up in the gym.

Good points, you're right.
She probably finds it easier to place blame for what she sees as her daughter's 'failings' rather than recognize it's just part of who she is to begin with.

 

[l.c.o]

Thanks for posting. One thing that stood out for me was the comment about her daughter being unable to think for herself or make decisions (paraphrasing). This is something that definitely holds true for my DD. Her head coach in her new sport has actually commented that, in general, this is a problem he encounters with gymnasts who come into his sport. They have difficulty forming opinions and making decisions in their training. They're used to just doing what coach says and have difficulty speaking up. Of course he speaks with her about it and encourages her to have a voice, but after 10 years in the gym, it's a work in progress.

She was terrified to tell said coach when she hurt herself at practice- the incident in which the injury occurred was quite obvious and at the end of practice, but the actual injury wasn't apparent until the next day. It was minor, but she wasn't able to fully practice for a few days. So, there are challenges in that area, too. DD was thankfully eventually able to speak up, coach gave her alternate assignments for a few practices, and it was no big deal, even with regionals quickly approaching.

My DS made the same transition, and it isn't quite so obvious for him. That said, he's never really hesitated to state his opinion (sometimes to a detriment) - I wonder if there's a bit of a gender disparity, or if it's more personality-driven.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

My DS made the same transition, and it isn't quite so obvious for him. That said, he's never really hesitated to state his opinion (sometimes to a detriment) - I wonder if there's a bit of a gender disparity, or if it's more personality-driven.

I think its personality driven. Mine could use some work advocating for herself. But you aren't going to get her to put something in a routine that she doesn't want to or get her to do a skill she simply doesn't feel ready for. And totally forget getting her to do any dancy stuff she is not into. He$$ will freeze over first.

 

[Flippin'A]

Thanks for posting. One thing that stood out for me was the comment about her daughter being unable to think for herself or make decisions (paraphrasing). This is something that definitely holds true for my DD. Her head coach in her new sport has actually commented that, in general, this is a problem he encounters with gymnasts who come into his sport. They have difficulty forming opinions and making decisions in their training. They're used to just doing what coach says and have difficulty speaking up. Of course he speaks with her about it and encourages her to have a voice, but after 10 years in the gym, it's a work in progress.

She was terrified to tell said coach when she hurt herself at practice- the incident in which the injury occurred was quite obvious and at the end of practice, but the actual injury wasn't apparent until the next day. It was minor, but she wasn't able to fully practice for a few days. So, there are challenges in that area, too. DD was thankfully eventually able to speak up, coach gave her alternate assignments for a few practices, and it was no big deal, even with regionals quickly approaching.

My DS made the same transition, and it isn't quite so obvious for him. That said, he's never really hesitated to state his opinion (sometimes to a detriment) - I wonder if there's a bit of a gender disparity, or if it's more personality-driven.

I experienced this myself. After coming out of a gym environment where gymnasts thinking and speaking for themselves was squashed it took me a while to realize that I had the power to advocate for myself and no one was going to scream at me for asking for what I need. I think some gyms create this and it's part of the culture of abuse in the sport that people talk about. It's definitely not true at all gyms, which is why I allowed my daughter to start gymnastics. But I was very particular about what gym I sent her to and I'm still vigilant about making sure it's a mentally healthy place for her.

 

[moogacat]

My DS made the same transition, and it isn't quite so obvious for him. That said, he's never really hesitated to state his opinion (sometimes to a detriment) - I wonder if there's a bit of a gender disparity, or if it's more personality-driven.

I think this is largely personality-driven, but because my daughter is one who never hesitates to speak her mind (also to her detriment at times), I chose a gym that would work with her. It was my impression that some gyms wouldn't tolerate that. I didn't want to send her to a gym where she'd get kicked out in a month for throat-punching a coach. Her current coach loves for her to express her opinions in the gym so long as she does it in a respectful way, and she gets input into all of her routines. I'd like to think this is the norm, but I know it's not.

 

[LJL07]

I think this is largely personality-driven, but because my daughter is one who never hesitates to speak her mind (also to her detriment at times), I chose a gym that would work with her. It was my impression that some gyms wouldn't tolerate that. I didn't want to send her to a gym where she'd get kicked out in a month for throat-punching a coach. Her current coach loves for her to express her opinions in the gym so long as she does it in a respectful way, and she gets input into all of her routines. I'd like to think this is the norm, but I know it's not.

I would say both environmentally and personality driven. I have one pretty outspoken by nature daughter and being in an abusive environment where she was not allowed to have a voice really did a number on her. Matter of fact, she got more abuse than others at that gym because she’s more vocal and they wanted to squash that. On the other hand, she’s come out on the other side in better shape than some kids who were there because she just cannot keep her mouth shut, but there is still a lot of anxiety she’s working through.

 

[moogacat]

I would say both environmentally and personality driven. I have one pretty outspoken by nature daughter and being in an abusive environment where she was not allowed to have a voice really did a number on her. Matter of fact, she got more abuse than others at that gym because she’s more vocal and they wanted to squash that. On the other hand, she’s come out on the other side in better shape than some kids who were there because she just cannot keep her mouth shut, but there is still a lot of anxiety she’s working through.

That was my exact worry when checking on gyms. I didn't want my kid's natural assertiveness squashed out of her or for her to be the target of abuse from a coach. You're absolutely right-- both innate personality and gym environment come into play. I'm so sorry about the lingering anxiety. That can be tough to resolve.

 

[JessSyd]

I like the article, particularly the initial part of it that references research.

I see a post above that says that many sports can be like this these days, but few sports are as intensive as gymnastics while a child is still quite young. Not only are little gymnasts shaped by many hours of exposure to their gym’s philosophy, but the high hours mean theyhave reduced opportunity (compared to others their age) to be exposed to other teaching/learning styles during other activities.

And at the start of the journey you do not know this. You do not know that this environment is going to have more power to shape them than their music lessons, or their weekly soccer game or whatever. Because at the start of your journey you do not know that things can go from a weekly hour of kindergym to five days a week bewilderingly quickly.

Gymnasts need to place a huge amount of trust in their coach WRT their physical safety, and with that tends to come trust in everything else the coach says and does, no matter how destructive. A coach who always points out the negative but rarely the positive will be destructive, a coach who does not value sportsmanship will be destructive, a coach who does not encourage two way communication is extremely destructive, and a coach who values performance goals to the exclusion of mastery goals (to use the language of the blog) is unhelpful at best. And if parents do not know this is happening, there is no countervoice to all of this.

And of course the opposite too, as caring coaches and coaches with an awareness of their impact, can be a great force for positive personal and physical development. It is a huge responsibility, really, coaching in such a high hours sport.

My daughter’s gym has a healthy overall philosophy I think. They want gymnastics to be accessible to all, regardless of their chances of earning medals for the gym. However even within that there are coaches who focus more on performance and results, and coaches who focus more on mastery and intrinsic goal setting, and I genuinely believe that the difference shows in the happiness and engagement of the girls in their respective groups. Particularly the girls who know they can never live up to the expectation that to be valued they need to win medals and ribbons.