Parents 5 year olds self esteem. Opinions please!

[Anthurium]

My child moved up to a new group, had her first full week with them and met a new coach. The evening after her practice she told me she had been put in time out at conditioning after the coach told her “You are terrible” (at whatever they were doing-rope climbs leg lifts etc) and had her sit out till they moved to a different area. She is 5 years old and that was her first day with this coach. She is really sad that her coach thinks she’s ‘terrible at everything’. I am not so concerned about the time out, I’ve seen it happen to a lot of kids for whatever reason lol. more so the “you’re terrible” and negative comments. How would you handle this situation?

 

[Aussie_coach]

Is it possible that your daughter interpreted the situation incorrectly. Sitting a child up for struggling with conditioning is a real concern, and of course rather counterproductive. But perhaps she was put in to,e out for a different reason, like pushing another child or refusing to listen. If it is not clearly explained to the child then they can often get confused as to the reason, and a comment about something being terrible can be misinterpreted as the child thinking the coach was calling them terrible.

I certainly don't want to dismiss what happened, because some coaches do carry on this way, and if this is the case then that is how adusi e situations start. But I would definelty dig deeper for more clarification/facts as my next step. Can you observe practice? Are you able to hear what goes on? Does this sort of behaviour seem in character for this coach?

 

[Deleted member 18037]

I’m with Aussie.

5 yr olds perceptions can be a little skewed. I still remember the great drama of our play group. When one kid “threw” a toy at another. What actually happened.... Toy was thrown onto a table and then the toy fell of table onto other kid.

I would ask the coach.

And take it from there. Including keeping your antenna up, if needed

 

[Anthurium]

So I reached out and her coach said she was just kind of not trying at all at some of the stations (just hanging on bar instead of doing the tuck ups and only climbing like two feet on the rope then falling down.) but claiming she was so they had her sit out till she would give her full effort. So basically not really listening. Coach did say that “I do not like what I’m seeing” which I think my daughter look like the coach didn’t like HER. Anyways, I’ll be staying during practice the next few times to observe. Just stinks because this conditioning takes part in the area of the gym you can’t really see and definitely can’t hear. Also going to talk to my daughter about trying her best even when it’s hard and hopefully she’ll be feeling better about her coach soon too.

 

[Madden3]

Is this a rec class, or team situation? How long are practices/conditioning etc? How old are the other girls your dd trains with?

Yes 5 year olds can certainly twist what they heard- which is why it is so important to communicate with them carefully. What alarms me is that whatever the coach actually said, your dd heard "you are terrible." I also dissagree in general with the sitting the child out until child would give "full effort." What does that even mean? My point is the expectations may not be realistic developmentally no matter how good a gymnast your dd is.

5 yo is a very young child. "Trying your best" or "listening to the coach" (meaning do exactly what they tell you to do, even when it is boring or hurts) are directions we can give, of course, and it is fine. But realistically a 5 year old may simply not have the capability of following- yet. I think a 5 year old can be encouraged to push themselves, but they are not likely to work hard for someone they think does not like them, or is not encouraging.

Being safe and staying with the group? Yes. Doing many rope climbs with burning arms? Staying focused and working hard when tired? No. Not at five, typically.
I think your plan to stay at gym and talk to your dd is good, even if you cannot see everything. I would also advise listen to your dd and your own instinct.

 

[Anthurium]

She’s in a pre-team group that goes 9hrs a week, 3 afternoons a week. I believe they do 30 mins warm up (sometimes looks like conditioning to me) and 30 mins actual conditioning each day. Her group is 5-8 year olds but mostly 6-7 yr olds. Yeah I don’t really agree with her sitting out till she tries.. this was her first time with this coach and also her first time having any problems during the gym so I think it really hit her hard than if one of her previous regular coaches (who have always been encouraging but very firm) had done or said something similar. She’s not a! Instagram super star kid but a hard worker and loves going. Maybe 9hrs a week is not for her just yet, something else I’ll be considering in the coming weeks.

 

[Tmacs]

9 hours is a lot for pre-team and 5 years old!! Our level 2/3 team girls go 8-12 hours a week and the youngest was almost 6.

 

[duyetanh]

Wow! Nine hours for a five year old?!?!
Wowwwww

 

[Madden3]

OK, well I am glad it is not rec, with it being preteam the high expectation makes more sense.
I would not throw in the towel yet. As you say, this was the first practice with this coach. Maybe both coach and your daughter need time to learn about the other, and this could take several practices. Also while I do not admire this method of discipline, maybe being sat out will motivate your dd, it's possible. It depends on the kid.

Also it may take you some time to figure out what needs to happen with your dd's overall schedule to make the long practices work for her. More sleep overall and proper nutrition esp in the few hours before practice cures many ills. Sleep and food intake management can be super challenging at this age. Over the summer when my daughter is not in school, we try to avoid strenuous activities (like swimming or playdates) on practice days. Plus in my experience, there is typically a period of adjustment when hours increase.

My family's experience is with 2 boys in MAG (for 9 years so far) and 1 girl in Acro (for 1 year so far.) (So I have seen many different coaching styles and methods but my experience is not with WAG.) I have seen several times, parents pull young kids because they did not like the coach, USUALLY because (according to the kid) the coach was "too mean." These were often the coaches my boys loved. There is no excuse for abusive coaching, but being tough and having high expectation can be the hallmarks of an excellent coach.

There is the issue of age of development and appropriate expectations. Generally speaking, the developmental difference between age 5 and 6/7 is pretty big.

Not all coaches are going to understand this properly, maybe because they are not used to working with that age, or maybe they once coached a 5 year old who conditioned harder than any other kid and then asked for more, and think all 5 year olds should do the same. It is helpful when coaches and parents can discuss expectations and discipline with mutual respect and without fear (on the parent's side) and resentment (on the coach's side) but unfortunately, that is not always possible.

 

[Aussie_coach]

It won't nessesarily matter if you can see or hear the conditioning. If you can at least see or hear part of the lessons, you will get to kmow the energy of the coach, discipline methods etc.

 

[triplethreat+1]

I'm in agreement with Madden3. And to add, perhaps she is just not quite ready for this group. All of us who are parents or deal with young kids know there is a difference between not putting in 'full' effort and the equivalent of flopping on the ground not wanting to do whatever- which of course 5 year olds will still do. But if the class is up to age 8 the coach might (should?) have behavioural expectations that are be unrealistic for the average 5 yr old, although some 5 yr olds will be fine. It's difficult for a coach to have different standards within one group.

 

[Gymmom0824]

I could not imagine when my DD was 5 her having enough attention span and determination to last 9 hours a week. There is such a huge difference in maturity between the ages of 5 and 8 that occurs. So I agree that having standards will be difficult given the maturity differences between the ages. I’m sure it’s a difficult job!

 

[3cats]

The expectations seem awful high for a 5 year old. At five, my daughter would randomly decide to up and run around during warmups just so the coach could chase her down. She thought that was hilarious. And our pre team was only 3 hours a week. Keep your eyes and ears open. Coaches may know gymnastics but very few have a degree in child development. If you see things that don't add up, look elsewhere.

 

[Muddlethru]

I would certainly get clarification on the situation from the coach or owner. At 5, she may not completely understand the reason she was asked to sit out. But it also is a genuine reason to find out if indeed this coach is verbally abusive particularly if you plan on staying at the gym. Personally, I wouldn’t sit back but I also would not assume your daughter’s account of the incident is accurate.

 

[3rd_time_around]

Our preterm was 3 hours a week and level 1 was 4 hours per week. Level 2 was only 6 hours, and level 3 was 9 hours. I can’t imagine preterm being 9 hours.

 

[John]

My DD started gymnastics at 5.5 in a one day a week 1.5-hour class. At 7 was on team doing 9 hours a week. Seems like your DD just needs a coach to realize she is 5 and in a group with older kids or she needs a more relaxed path at this point in her gymnastics.

 

[Anthurium]

Thought I’d update— after spending some time thinking, I decided to move her to a different gym with less hours and over all a less hard core feel. I really think it was a case of too much too soon and too young, Because she is thriving now with less. She misses her coaches but she seems less stressed and has time for swim lessons now too.
Her new gym they get snack time (sooo cool for a 5yr old) , her hours are down to 6hrs a week and her new coaches say she is doing great! Thanks for all the input, it was helpful to hear from everyone and get different perspectives.

 

[Sk8ermaiden]

I moved my DD to a less intense gym in first grade. She just didn't want gym to be her whole life. Now at 10 years old, she's a lot more serious about it and does more hours, but it made a difference that she got to grow into that intensity instead of having it demanded of her at such a young age. She would have burned out and quit if we had stayed at the old gym.

Our preterm was 3 hours a week and level 1 was 4 hours per week. Level 2 was only 6 hours, and level 3 was 9 hours. I can’t imagine preterm being 9 hours.

As you know though, not everyone competes 1-3 (here almost no one does 1 or 2.) At DD's gym, preteam was the equivalent of level 3 and went 9 hours. The next year they did level 4. So the number of hours doesn't sound off to me. They weren't doing those hours at 5 though, of course.

 

[RTT2]

Great update!