Off Topic absolutly nothing to do with Gym - just need to get the stress off my chest

[GymBee97]

Since Easter my Father In Law (87) hasn't been well at all.

He Overdosed on his heart medication and ended up in the hospital. The OD caused his dimentia to accelerate signficantly to where the hospital had to send him to a rehab hospital to get him stable enought to walk on his own after a month there he is no better and he is definitly much worse. He has forgotten english, and alot of his portugese.... I would say he has the vocabulary in Portugese of a 6 yo child at this point. the Rehab Hospital also is a nursing home and we have had no choice but to have him become a resident of the nursiong home as we just can't provide the 24/7 care he needs. Over the past 2 weeks he has fallen twice ended up in the ER for last fall after hitting his head. Husband went to visit Wed night and he had a temp of 102.6 and no one had even given him a tylenol to reduce the fever. Hubby insisted the Dr be called and now he is back in the hospital with a temprature and a urinary track infection. He looks like death warmend over. I'm wondering if he will even make it through the summer. My hubby and his mom are in such denial which makes things more stressfull as they want to believe he will get better even though the DR has said he will only get worse.

We have vistited several other assisted living /nursing homes in the area and have him on the list for a much better assisted living community in next town that has a "memory Program" for those with dimentia/alzihmers. Like all facilites you have to wait for someone to pass to get a bed. The director said within a month they expect a bed.

Its going to be a very busy and stressful summer thats for sure. And my Mother In Law (78) wants to stay in her house. I was hoping she would opt for one of the apartments at the assisted living so she could be with him and we wouldn't have to worry about her being home alone but no for now she is going to live at home. Not my first choice as she is becoming forgetful and I worry about her being alone. I need this stress Like I need a hole in my head.

 

[2gymmies]

Hugs and prayers - I'm sorry for all you are going through!

 

[sally]

No how you are feeling, going through the same thing with my grandmother. Family can be very hard to deal with at times like this. Just have to do all you can and know that you are doing your best. You are doing great.

 

[GymBee97]

I am stressed but still coping. Hubby is only child so there is no one else to deal with this. He has to work so that leaves me. The problem is I'm choosing what I know NEEDS to be done where he is still hoping his dad will come home (never can happen at this point dad too far gone to be at home). Definitly causing some fights between us. This week I did tell him from now on I have to be the one with the final say on things we have to be on the same page here and the staff can't hear one thing from you and something totally different from me. So from now on when they ask you something your answer should be you need to call my wife for all decisions as she is the one making the decisions. so for the past few days that seems to be working.

The hardest part is he is only focused on his mom and dad and his own stress not taking in to account this is affecting everyone including the kids. Snapping at me and just about ignoring our family. Yesterday I told him Fri - Sunday from now on he is to stay home with THIS family that his mom and dad will manage just fine for a weekend and if he needs to take her shopping or visit him it is to be done Mon - Th. Prior to this he was lucky to visit with them twice a month now he leaves for work in the AM and I don't see him until at least 10 pm and he ends up going to bed when he comes in. I know he is worried but really this I finally told him he has to be home by 8pm from now on (he is usually home from work by 4pm so I know he is at mom's at that time then off to visit dad or whatever) 4 hours getting things done and visiting dad sitting in a chair sleeping usually and he doesn't even know we are there is a bit much.

I still have to do all the mom stuff on top of everything else. So we have been fighting too about him giving me the same respect at a minimum that he is giving his mom and to talk to me with the same consideration. right now I know he is stressed but so are we all and he has to find another way to ease his frustration other than yelling at me and the kids. I told him to go down to the local gym join and work out for an hour every day before he comes home - Nope that would take time from his mom and dad.

I think its going to get worse before it gets better.

 

[DND]

I know first hand what you are both going through as we went through this last year with my Mother. She has dementia and had taken a fall in her apartment and was not found for three days. She ended up in the hospital for months and we were advised that she would need to go into a home.

I too went through a stage where I went to work and from there to the hospital and was not here for MY family as I should have been. It is stressful and hard on everyone, but know it is a stage and it will pass. I was not an only child, but rather born very late so I was the only one too that had to deal with things. For me there was a certain amount of guilt and denial and it took me a while to realize that it is okay to not be there at every free moment. I cannot tell you what got me to that clarity, but it did come and things returned to normal.

In the mean time to keep you sane, maybe try and go out for an hour after he returns home everyday. Visit a friend, go for a walk an ice cream or coffee. Just know you are doing all you can and times like this are tough and sometimes when we are stressed we lash out at the ones we love the most.

It does not make it right, but it happens.

 

[GymBee97]

In the mean time to keep you sane, maybe try and go out for an hour after he returns home everyday. Visit a friend, go for a walk an ice cream or coffee. Just know you are doing all you can and times like this are tough and sometimes when we are stressed we lash out at the ones we love the most.

It does not make it right, but it happens.

Wish I could but he doesn't get home until about 10pm or later and at that time I'm exhausted from doing everything all day.

 

[DND]

Wish I could but he doesn't get home until about 10pm or later and at that time I'm exhausted from doing everything all day.

Ugh I know how awful that must be for you! Try and see if an SOS to some friends that could help step in and carpool, take the kids anything even an hour here and there to give yourself a break.

Just a thought - do you have home care options for your MIL that could maybe ease your DH mind and need to be there all the time too? If not maybe post a sign at a nearby grocery store and see if there are kids in the area who could be hired to do the small outside chores at MIL's so your husband does not add that to his - your - plate as well.

Good luck and take care of yourself.:sorry:

 

[GymBee97]

Ugh I know how awful that must be for you! Try and see if an SOS to some friends that could help step in and carpool, take the kids anything even an hour here and there to give yourself a break.

Just a thought - do you have home care options for your MIL that could maybe ease your DH mind and need to be there all the time too? If not maybe post a sign at a nearby grocery store and see if there are kids in the area who could be hired to do the small outside chores at MIL's so your husband does not add that to his - your - plate as well.

Good luck and take care of yourself.:sorry:

I live in a rural area not too far a drive from more populated areas so it can be hard to do the carpool thing as everyone is going in different directions (think turkeys in the yard, deer in the yard, coyotes in the yard, moose in the yard) My hardest is getting DD to and from gym. the two families that can car pool aren't always the most dependable. We have only been at this gym since April so we don't know alot of folks yet.

I've suggested in home care come once or twice a day to help MIL with what ever, I've set MIL up with local senior shuttle that would pick her right up at the front door and take her to the store, to visit FIL, etc but she won't use it. and for the in home person she won't open the door for them we tried that before after a surgery she has a few years back and I had to come over everytime to let them in and stay there or they would kick her out so If I have to go anyway and stay why pay for someone else.

Its hard when MIL won't cooperate and hubby won't insist she start to use these services. She calls and he doesn't even ask what she needs just drops everything and dissapears. Usually it isn't an emergency and can wait.

For outside gardening I am going to hire a service once I get a chance so that isn't needed to be done by us. For shopping we have "PeaPod" in our area. Its an online grocery service by Stop and Shop in our area and you just click what you want and they deliver it the next day. Hubby just has to bring computer over and they pick and choose what she wants that week. Takes a fraction of the time of going to the grocery store and she will have to open the door if she want food.

I've also though of doing the meals on wheels for MIL too so at lunch and dinner someone shows up M - F with a meal that is balanced so we don't have to worry if she is eating right.

 

[sally]

you need to try and take care of yourself because you will end up being sick and not being able to care for your kids. Maybe you could work out a roster with your husband that on certain days he can go and see them and the other days he is to come home for your time.

 

[sally]

Great idea, wish my grandparents would do it but my grandfather flat out refuses to get it which makes life hard for everybody else.

 

[GymBee97]

you need to try and take care of yourself because you will end up being sick and not being able to care for your kids. Maybe you could work out a roster with your husband that on certain days he can go and see them and the other days he is to come home for your time.

Thats what I'm trying to get him to do - I sort of put down the law on Sat that from Fri - Sun no visiting necessary for the weekend he needs to be home with his kids and wife even if its just watching TV. After 6 weeks of every day for hours each day I don't think I'm being out of line here. FIL has Dimentia and most of the time is asleep when they visit so they sit there all staring at him waiting for him to wake up and when he does he may not know who they are or remember that they were even there.

I'm still recovering myself from surgery in Feb on my ankle. I was Feb and March on crutches and a cast April in a walking boot and the begining of May in an ankle brace and now partically in an ankle brace and part of the time without anything.

Hubby just isn't getting it at all and honestly I think is being very selfish and not focused on anyone buy what he wants. This needs to change soon or I'm going to just about had it all around.

Its just alot to handle right now and things need to settle a bit to figure out how everything will turn out here.

 

[sally]

Thats what I'm trying to get him to do - I sort of put down the law on Sat that from Fri - Sun no visiting necessary for the weekend he needs to be home with his kids and wife even if its just watching TV. After 6 weeks of every day for hours each day I don't think I'm being out of line here. FIL has Dimentia and most of the time is asleep when they visit so they sit there all staring at him waiting for him to wake up and when he does he may not know who they are or remember that they were even there.

Its just alot to handle right now and things need to settle a bit to figure out how everything will turn out here.

If he isn't listening to you maybe the nurses or Dr can talk to him. Dementia patients can last a long time so this could be a long term thing so he himself will get burnt out.

 

[GymBee97]

If he isn't listening to you maybe the nurses or Dr can talk to him. Dementia patients can last a long time so this could be a long term thing so he himself will get burnt out.

At 86 he really is a sick old man I'm thinking he won't make it to the end of the year. His blood sugars are running 400 - 600 and that is waaaaay high (should be more like 80 - 120). That alone will start to destroy internal organs with that much sugar in him. He keeps trying to get up and falling down and hurting himself as he can hardly walk - One of these times it won't be just brusies. Currently he is fighting a temp of 102 with a UTI at the hospital. He has become combative with the nurses. Last year he was diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure which we were told in someone who is 65 means about 4 years - he is 86 has had 3 heart attacks and a stint put in. He really looks like death warmed over. He has lost about 20 lbs in the past 6 weeks because he doesn't always eat. My mom says he looks like he won't make it through the summer never mind the end of the year but I know some of these old folks in bad condition can live a while like this so I am prepared but MIL and hubby just aren't at that point yet and I really need Hubby to get on board.

Hubby and MIL are living still in the land of denial. They both have heard the same info I have from the doctors, nurses, etc but are choosing not to believe. They aren't ready to accept the truth yet. And are still hoping he will "get better" and go home.
Dr already said that isn't going to happen without 24/7 nursing care which we can't afford to pay for at $700 + a DAY.

It just hard to see him this way and I know no one wants to live like this.

I have a DNR on him so if anything happens no heroic measures will be taken - so if he for example has a heart attack they will just let him have it and pass.

 

[coachmolly]

I'm so sorry your and your family are going through this, it is definitely not easy (physically, emotionally, or financially). My dad is older- in his early 80s- and spent part of the fall in a rehab hospital and not able to walk. He can now walk with a cane and is at home with my mom (who is 18 years younger), but it's a full time commitment for her. She loves to travel and it's hard to just get away to go on a day trip. It's so important for her to take the time to get out with friends though, or even just go out for a few hours in the morning for coffee and some peace and quiet. Your family will understand if you just need to "run away" for a few hours to spend time with friends, get something to eat, or just go someplace to read without interruptions. And if they don't, well they need to get used to it because you are MORE than deserving of that time!
It makes it so difficult that she is not willing to receive services, my dad was able to get help from the local Lutheran Social Services right when he got out of the rehab hospital which help tremendously. They monitored his health, did physical therapy, helped him to bathe/shave, etc. Unfortunately they were unable to keep coming for some kind of insurance purposes. But those types of organizations can be a less expensive alternative to some of the private in-home care services. I think some areas have Catholic Social Service networks as well. Does she have a friend or neighbor that you could get to stop by and visit her at least a few evenings a week or on weekends to help with house work, cooking, and maybe providing transportation? That might make it seem like it's more of a friend helping out than a nurse or personal care assistant.
But for right now, just remember how important it is to take time for you and not to put too much pressure on yourself. Sending prayers your way.

 

[GymBee97]

Bigest problem with MIL is she is an old Portugese wife which means her husband says the sky is orange and she says what shade. He was the king and made all the decisions and basicly didn't let her socialize for as long as I've know her unless he was with her and even then they didn't go out much. She is afraid to open the door to anyone which is what makes outside services hard for her to accept as she would have to open the door to receive them. My Son will be home from College at the end of the week so that will be a HUGE help but I don't want to put too much on him either. We do have Catholic Charities services around here but again she has to open the door to get them. I think once he is settled in the assisted living (suppose to have a bed in about 4 - 6 weeks) We have to push for her to either move in with us (which I don't mind as she can take care of herself for the most part) or convince her to move in to the assisted living appartments (that will be a challenge) She is I would say hitting those early stages of forgetfullness that is more than old age too so I suspect that within 3 - 4 years she will have to go to assisted living too. its going to be a tough few years here thats for sure. With the advances in medicine they can make the body live longer and the big group of baby boomers hitting these ages - I think we are going to see more and more very old folks loosing it and in need of nursing care. All I know is I don't want to live long enough to loose my senses and not know where I am, who I'm with and so on.

 

[thefellowsmom]

I'm so sorry. Hugs. I will be thinking of you and sending you positiveness.

 

[LMV]

Hugs! We will keep your family in our thoughts and prayers.

 

[GymBee97]

Thanks everyone for all the hugs and support. You guys are awsome!!