Parents Advice for 13 year old DD that "might want to quit"

[GymnastMomX2]

My DD, who just turned 13, came to me yesterday and said "I think I might want to quit", and then burst into tears. I was asking why and she said she didn't know why she was doing it anymore, and she didn't want to get up and go in the mornings, that it doesn't feel as fun as it used to, and it feels like work.

She also brought up not having time to try other sports and that gymnastics takes up all her time. (she trains 20 hours a week in the school year and 29 in the summer) She then started crying again and said she would miss it so much if she quit.

Then about 10 min later she started talking about what a good practice she had that morning, and asked if she could do an extra hour long vault clinic on Saturday. She is currently training, and will most likely compete, level 8 next season and isn't really struggling with any skills or fear issues right now.

She did sleep in and skip gym today, but I'm not sure what to tell her, other than its her decision to make. Any other advice for her on how she can figure out what she wants to do?

 

[munchkin3]

Ok, so get ready for the hormone roller coaster. This is the age where kids get mental and you have to try and be rock solid.
This is the age where they begin questioning what they are doing, what mom and dad are doing, what the coaches are doing.....all of the sudden, they have an opinion on everything and they agree and disagree with everything.........it's the hardest time for parents.
And by the way, it is work....you child is working harder physically than your are....and that's OK.....don't tell her she should be having FUN all the time......she is achieving something very few kids can achieve! Validate her, highlight her accomplishments, make sure she knows how incredible being a gymnast is.
So my question to you is, what are YOUR objectives......it's really no longer, 'I want my child to be happy' because the reality is, they are not going to be happy 100% of the time.....in gymnastics, in school, in life......so what's the goal. Most parents won't be happy throwing their hands up, letting their kid quit gymnastics.....the time, the commitment, the effort......this is the tough question.
I remember thinking, I want my son to make it to college gymnastics.....then it was making it to L10..... Then it was staying IN as long as possible ( because Being out of the gym at 14 is terrifying to me!).

My goal now is to keep my 11 yo DD IN the gym, progressing for as long as possible. My child's goals are to get skills, and compete the next level, and have fun....when she hits 13 I will have to hope that her progress continues and she will be satisfied......everything else is 'grass is greener on the other side'. If she wants to try soccer, let her.....after all, the hours are nothing compared to gymnastics......I have always made time away from the gym very AWAY.....vacations are completely void of gymnastics. Summer camps have nothing to do with it either.

My Son did quit at 15 after a long year of injuries and loosing skills.....he then sat home on his butt for 6 months, gained weight, got very lazy.......he is back in the gym coaching.....I'm happy because he is IN....the gym is a clean, good place for youngsters.

So- my advice is to keep your eye on the longer term goal, whatever that is.......try and not get to rattled with the fleeting emotions......and try and guide her during the storm of puberty. Let her make some mistakes, as long as they are not irreversible.

 

[munchkin3]

PS Teenagers are notorious for making bad decisions......be prepared for MAKING decisions on her behalf.

 

[GymMom10.0]

Ok, so get ready for the hormone roller coaster. This is the age where kids get mental and you have to try and be rock solid.
This is the age where they begin questioning what they are doing, what mom and dad are doing, what the coaches are doing.....all of the sudden, they have an opinion on everything and they agree and disagree with everything.........it's the hardest time for parents.
And by the way, it is work....you child is working harder physically than your are....and that's OK.....don't tell her she should be having FUN all the time......she is achieving something very few kids can achieve! Validate her, highlight her accomplishments, make sure she knows how incredible being a gymnast is.
So my question to you is, what are YOUR objectives......it's really no longer, 'I want my child to be happy' because the reality is, they are not going to be happy 100% of the time.....in gymnastics, in school, in life......so what's the goal. Most parents won't be happy throwing their hands up, letting their kid quit gymnastics.....the time, the commitment, the effort......this is the tough question.
I remember thinking, I want my son to make it to college gymnastics.....then it was making it to L10..... Then it was staying IN as long as possible ( because Being out of the gym at 14 is terrifying to me!).

My goal now is to keep my 11 yo DD IN the gym, progressing for as long as possible. My child's goals are to get skills, and compete the next level, and have fun....when she hits 13 I will have to hope that her progress continues and she will be satisfied......everything else is 'grass is greener on the other side'. If she wants to try soccer, let her.....after all, the hours are nothing compared to gymnastics......I have always made time away from the gym very AWAY.....vacations are completely void of gymnastics. Summer camps have nothing to do with it either.

My Son did quit at 15 after a long year of injuries and loosing skills.....he then sat home on his butt for 6 months, gained weight, got very lazy.......he is back in the gym coaching.....I'm happy because he is IN....the gym is a clean, good place for youngsters.

So- my advice is to keep your eye on the longer term goal, whatever that is.......try and not get to rattled with the fleeting emotions......and try and guide her during the storm of puberty. Let her make some mistakes, as long as they are not irreversible.

Good advice! My 13yo DD is going through the same thing as OP's DD and it has been one big roller coaster ride so far this summer.

 

[NutterButter]

Mine is going through this too! Also 13 and on track for competing L8. There was a similar thread at the beginning of the summer which I was actively following. The one comment made by several (whose opinions I respect) was that "you just know" when your child is done. Well, I don't know. And until very recently I always said that I would know and that I would be able to gracefully help her exit when her journey is done. It's so much easier when it's someone else's kid.

And good advice @munchkin3 . Thank you.

 

[auswi]

We have a large family with some qualified working adults & some teenagers and collectively we survived - & are surviving the teenage years

I think the one thing that really helped is that our family rule is that everyone has a sport. So this makes the thought of finishing an involvement easier because there is a comparison.... Ok, if I do quit/ retire/ finish there needs to be something else on the table; & will I like it more/ less than the sport Im already involved in?

Best of luck - one magical day a wonderful young adult appears

 

[twinmomma]

We have a large family with some qualified working adults & some teenagers and collectively we survived - & are surviving the teenage years

I think the one thing that really helped is that our family rule is that everyone has a sport. So this makes the thought of finishing an involvement easier because there is a comparison.... Ok, if I do quit/ retire/ finish there needs to be something else on the table; & will I like it more/ less than the sport Im already involved in?

Best of luck - one magical day a wonderful young adult appears

This is pretty much our approach. Though not "sport" so much as activity. If DD wanted to quit for music lessons I would be ok with that, though she would also need something to keep her physically active - even if it's a dance class or tennis classes or something once or twice a week.

 

[auswi]

This is pretty much our approach. Though not "sport" so much as activity. If DD wanted to quit for music lessons I would be ok with that, though she would also need something to keep her physically active - even if it's a dance class or tennis classes or something once or twice a week.

Probably should have clarified sport as in regular physical exercise - fine with dance/ aerobics etc as a teen sport- although have always explained that when they move away it's good to be comfortable with a sport as a way of meeting new friends/ being involved in their new community.

 

[munchkin3]

We have a large family with some qualified working adults & some teenagers and collectively we survived - & are surviving the teenage years

I think the one thing that really helped is that our family rule is that everyone has a sport. So this makes the thought of finishing an involvement easier because there is a comparison.... Ok, if I do quit/ retire/ finish there needs to be something else on the table; & will I like it more/ less than the sport Im already involved in?

Best of luck - one magical day a wonderful young adult appears

We have the same rule. My oldest, who quit when he was 15 took crossfit instead, BUT we had a hard time finding a sport that could fill the gymnastics time slot. Even with his hour of crossfit, he had a lot of time to sit around. Now he is working so it's a bit easier and the rules are given by work, not me-phew!
Middle is not an athlete at all. We are still finding his thing.....
Youngest gymmie knows if she quit, she would have to find something else....
But as far as, when do you know they are done? Seriously, there is no question. Kids who are advancing and getting skills are generally not ready to quit.
Mine as done for 6 months.....we knew and gave him 3 more months just to make sure......we all knew, including the coach....
Same went for a friend of mine.....she knew for about 1 yr.

 

[munchkin3]

Twinmom- I can't wait for that magical day with my lovely 16 yo.

 

[Gymmommy71]

If it were my kid, I'd tell her it's okay to miss gym to do that other sport(s). Say the other sport takes up 4-6 hours a week, she'll still be doing almost 20 hours of gym in the summer and 16 in the fall. As long as your gym won't flip out and kick her off the team, IMO, if it will make her happier it's okay if she misses. A lot of girls miss gym for other stuff once teenagers. It won't make that much difference in their gymnastics and even if they don't win everywhere they go or have to repeat a level, so what - it's better than them quitting.

 

[l.c.o]

No advice, but wanted to offer you a virtual hug. I can seriously sympathize, as my DD is in a similar place. Good luck.

 

[sce]

I would start by having her set a decision point. I.e. End of month or end of summer, so she can really consider if she's done. As well have her think about what else she is thinking she wants to try if she does quit.

 

[lhmom]

We just went through this with DD (12 1/2). She has been "on the fence" for a bit (has been wanting to play school sports). So basically I gave her a decision deadline which was the end of last month. Meet fee payment was about to start up and if she couldn't say she was committed to competing next season, it was only fair to let her coaches know now. Last month was painful (lots of tears and back and forth) but she finally decided she was done. We feel good about it now although saying goodbye was so hard! I think if I hadn't given her a deadline, she would've still been waffling. We (her coaches and I) made it very clear that if she decided she wanted to return she could. Think that helped her feel better about it as well. Good luck!

 

[munchkin3]

We had a girl who was done for a year, but didn't realize it. She went down hill for a while, lost so many skills.....basically refused to do anything hard, or scary, and didn't want to push herself.
BUT- she couldn't think of quitting either. Her friends, her time, everything was centered around the gym, but she was done with the gymnastics part......not the friends part.
What I felt bad about is she declined and became the pain, the bad attitude, the lazy one.......it's just that she was done.

Oopski, you say your DD is gaining skills and is fine sometimes.....this sounds normal. If she is happy more than half the time, she should be fine.
Don't be afraid of the taboo words.....'I am sick of this' or ' I want to quit'.....I get sick of work often.....sometimes I get sick of my kids even!!!!!
It's ok for them to say their feelings......when it comes down to paying for the season, make a pros and cons list with her.....the pros should be longer.

 

[flowerchild]

I agree with the above posters. 1. MAKE the time for your DD to try a New sport. I told DD that she didn't have to do gymnastics, but she had to do something. Making time for DD to do a new sport meant private figure skating lessons ( group didn't fit in with our schedule) and archery classes.
2. Set a specific deadline ( i.e., you have until the end of summer to decide)
3. If she is a texter or snapchatter, have her form a message group with her gym friends and get them into the habit of posting a few times a week. The eased the transition considerably for my DD.
4. Once she's quit, make her join a team in her new sport so that she can make new sporty friends.

It's hard, so good luck! I still miss gymnastics, but I'm not going to tell her that!

 

[GymnastMomX2]

Thanks for all the advice, in true teenager fashion she has decided she doesn't want to quit....yet. She said she is going to commit to doing at least this season and then make a decision afterwards, but will probably quit after this year. Then about an hour later she shows me a youtube video of floor music she wants to use for her new floor routine shes planning on getting after this season. lol. sigh. teenagers.

 

[auswi]

[QUOTE="Oopski, post: 465984, member: lol. sigh. teenagers.[/QUOTE]

Great it's worked out - virtual hugs & chocolate on the way!!

 

[munchkin3]

That's great! Now rest easy and don't bring it up anymore.....she will quit, and then unquit 100x anyway, so just learn to meditate or something.

 

[MaryA]

My DD went through the same thing at the same age. Said she wanted to quit but kept wanting to go to practice. I finally said, "you know, if you quit, it means not going to practice anymore, right?" She did stick with it, but it was a rough year (growth spurts, injuries, body changing). The following year she did a year in Xcel which ended up being really good for her. She's now stopped growing, gained a lot of confidence in her year at Xcel and is back in JO. See if you can still sign her up for a summer camp in a sport she wants to try. My DD went to a week of volleyball camp that summer and found it bor-ing. Who wants to smack a ball over a net when you could be flipping through the air? Good luck to the both of you!