Parents Angry coach, crying daughter, frustrated mom please help?

[momma81]

So my dd recently a level 4 gymnast has had a lot of trouble getting consistency on her back hip circle on bars consistently. She has a perfect routine one minute but then it can be a total mess the next where she loses all control on the bars and is risking injuring herself. Her coach is becoming angry that she isn't making consistent corrections and is kinda old school like that but its horrible to see my daughter in tears all the way home from practices now. I've got two minds to tell her coach to back off a little, but that wouldn't her current situation. Any suggestions on this one?

 

[cbifoja]

How old?

 

[momma81]

How old?

Shes 7 nearly 8

 

[cbifoja]

Mine wasn't able to make consistent corrections at 7 or 8. She's 9 and a half and is just now catching on to how to make corrections and that is with working with her regular coaches and a coach here from CB. Seems normal for my experience.

I try very hard not to interfere with the coach/athlete relationship and have only stepped in once when an assistant coach went over the line. If you feel the coach is over the line, then yes, speak up. You are your child's advocate and ultimate protector.

 

[Deleted member 14190]

Pretty easy skill,,,, let the coach do what they need to do....

 

[bogwoppit]

Would you allow her teacher to treat her this way? If not you have your answer.

 

[curlymop]

Is the coach actually getting angry, or does she just have high expectations and a direct approach? I don't feel that anger is ever an appropriate way to teach a child, and I wouldn't keep my child in that environment. It shows a lack of self-control and in the long term is not effective. Either way, I think a talk with the coach is in order.

 

[cbifoja]

Pretty easy skill,,,, let the coach do what they need to do....

And hopefully the coach will never need to smack the child......

I don't know a lot of parents who will just sit back and let a coach do what the coach thinks they need to do if it is damaging to the child. Most children don't respond well to anger and depending on the severity, some children can be mentally/emotionally harmed by a constant environment of anger.

I'm pretty tolerant of strict. I grew up with a drill sargeant for a father. Strict is fine. I can even handle some harsh language but no coach gets carte blanche with my kid. I have directly interfered with a coach once....when a coach followed my child out to the parking lot scolding her all the way to the car. Ummm....no. That's not appropriate. I have spoken to the owner about a coach once.....when a coach told my child to retaliate against another child engaging in unsafe behavior. Again, no. We don't operate that way.

So sorry, but no coach is perfect so all coaches need oversight. And ultimately, parents are your customer because WE pay the bill, not the kids.

 

[billise]

Without a description of what "angry" is I think it's difficult to say if the coaches behavior is acceptable or not. I'm not a coach, just a relatively new gym mom so I'm just wondering how she got to level 4 if she's having difficulty with her BHC? That's a level 2 skill. Our gym is not super strict about having perfect skills in order to move up (especially for the little ones) and I think a child who is having trouble with her BHC might still be allowed to move from level 2 into level 3, but I don't think there is any way they would be allowed to move to level 4 (even if everything else is beautiful). My DD (young 7 year old) is level 3. She still has problems with the consistency of her ROBHS. Nothing dangerous ie, she's NOT landing on her head or anything like that. At this point if her coaches were talking about moving her to level 4 I would really want some clarification on their thought process.

I'm wondering if she's training at too high a level? Please understand, I'm not saying that she is. Just wondering?

 

[twinmomma]

Pretty easy skill,,,, let the coach do what they need to do....

She's 7. She's a baby. She needs not only pushing but encouraging. It could be that the constant barrage of what she's doing wrong is creating a self fulfilling prophecy and you have to tell the coach that she isn't resposnding to the way the coach is correcting her. It's one thing when you have a 13 year old who can blow off the coach's ire but a 7 year old is still looking for her coach's approval. I think your daughter's response is less about the actual skill and more about feeling like her coach hates her. It warrants a conversation to be sure.

 

[Deleted member 14190]

And hopefully the coach will never need to smack the child......

I don't know a lot of parents who will just sit back and let a coach do what the coach thinks they need to do if it is damaging to the child. Most children don't respond well to anger and depending on the severity, some children can be mentally/emotionally harmed by a constant environment of anger.

sorry, but no coach is perfect so all coaches need oversight. And ultimately, parents are your customer because WE pay the bill, not the kids.

==
I did not read about any smacking or damage.... So dramatic....

 

[cbifoja]

==
I did not read about any smacking or damage.... So dramatic....

That's because the OP didn't claim that the coach was hitting her child. I don't think the coach is. But I take exception with your attitude to let a coach do what the coach thinks needs to be done. Parents need to be involved to protect their kids from all adults in authority....coaches, volunteers, teachers. If all coaches were always well-behaved toward gymnasts...well, we wouldn't need that little list on the USAG website, would we? And just to be clear, I'm not saying that the OP's coach is a predator. Just using the list as an example that there are coaches who would take advantage of this idea that parents shouldn't be looking over their shoulder.

Nothing dramatic about claiming that continued anger and harsh words cause damage to little kids. The OP is looking to prevent such a thing, as a good parent should! This coach is using harsh enough language with a SEVEN YEAR OLD that the child is crying for an extended period of time and I assume this is happening frequently enough to concern the parent.

Like Bog said, if you wouldn't allow a teacher to speak to your child this way, why should you allow a coach?

OP, it is a hard call to make. And a lot might depend on your and the child's relationship with the coach. My DD can handle a little harsher coaching language from her main coach then she can a coach who comes in once a week because there is an extended relationship built on time and trust built up across the coach/gymnast/parent triad.

 

[Deleted member 14190]

That's because the OP didn't claim that the coach was hitting her child. I don't think the coach is. But I take exception with your attitude to let a coach do what the coach thinks needs to be done. Parents need to be involved to protect their kids from all adults in authority....coaches, volunteers, teachers. If all coaches were always well-behaved toward gymnasts...well, we wouldn't need that little list on the USAG website, would we? And just to be clear, I'm not saying that the OP's coach is a predator. Just using the list as an example that there are coaches who would take advantage of this idea that parents shouldn't be looking over their shoulder.

Nothing dramatic about claiming that continued anger and harsh words cause damage to little kids. The OP is looking to prevent such a thing, as a good parent should! This coach is using harsh enough language with a SEVEN YEAR OLD that the child is crying for an extended period of time and I assume this is happening frequently enough to concern the parent.

Like Bog said, if you wouldn't allow a teacher to speak to your child this way, why should you allow a coach?

OP, it is a hard call to make. And a lot might depend on your and the child's relationship with the coach. My DD can handle a little harsher coaching language from her main coach then she can a coach who comes in once a week because there is an extended relationship built on time and trust built up across the coach/gymnast/parent triad.

What harsh language is this? Again I see no quoted phrases, Coach got mad kids cry, big deal... Unless the coach is calling her names or belittling her, let them keep her safe. And yes teachers get mad all the time... Children listen and progress faster when parents are not hovering around.... U should try it...

 

[cbifoja]

No need to get personal, Coach. My child is progressing just fine. Personally, I would be okay if she would slow down. I'm thankful and lucky to have a coach who appreciates her parents and understands the importance I play in my little athlete's life. I don't try to replace her and she doesn't disrespect me and most importantly is able to coach my kid without verbal abuse.

I know some coaches don't like to hear this but parents know their kids best so OP, you listen to your gut and if you think you need to intervene for your child, then do it. Her coach plays an important role in her life so you want to make sure that the person fulfilling that place is worthy of the title. There are enough good coaches who don't rely on fear and intimidation to be able to get results. You don't have to put up with a jerk. and you certainly don't have to pay someone thousands of dollars to be mean to your kid.

 

[twinmomma]

There are enough good coaches who don't rely on fear and intimidation to be able to get results. You don't have to put up with a jerk. and you certainly don't have to pay someone thousands of dollars to be mean to your kid.

This. 1000 times this.

 

[Deleted member 14190]

No need to get personal, Coach. My child is progressing just fine. Personally, I would be okay if she would slow down.
==
Just trying to help your child. And I do remember reading a thread from you about how your DD was having a very difficult time taking and maintaining corrections, which is a symptom.

 

[Amusibus]

"== Just trying to help your child. And I do remember reading a thread from you about how your DD was having a very difficult time taking and maintaining corrections, which is a symptom."

Coach P, did she ASK for your help with her child? You do not even know her or her child. How can you feel it is your place to offer "advice" based on random facts on the internet for someone you do not even know??

OP, since you did ask for help, if it was me I'd just ask for a meeting with the coach asap and just discuss things, there is no need to be confrontational. For me this would be a warning, maybe you could talk things over with the coach, figure out a plan, and allow a reasonable amount of time to pass to put the plan into action. If you don't see things improving, think in advance what your next step would be. I personally think strict is ok but yelling and making kids cry on a regular basis is not. Any other gyms around, just in case?

 

[cbifoja]

CoachP, if you want an update about my daughter, you can either dredge up the 7-week old thread I assume you're referencing or PM me. This thread is about Momma81's L4, not my L7.

I did not ask you for your help on my child because I do not need your help with my child. In fact, I wouldn't ask you for advice as you and I have such different philosophies on raising a child athlete that you would not be someone whose opinion is of any value to me. Your disdain for the parents removes you from my list of coaches who I would ever ask any question of.

OP, I apologize for this distraction. I really just wanted to give my POV about the yelling not being okay. Personally, I feel like I've "lost" when I have to resort to yelling at my kids (students, not biological). I feel like I should be able to teach them without losing my cool and yelling at them. If I can't, that's on me, not them. It means I've let my frustration with myself take over. And that always sucks.

It's just not okay for a coach to make your kid cry that often or that long.

 

[billise]

Wow, it's unfortunate that this thread has become so contentious

To the OP, it seems pretty simple. I have one DD who cries any times someone looks at her sideways. I have another DD who rarely cries. If the DD who rarely cries is leaving practice in tears every night I would have a talk with the coach without hesitation. If the DD who cries at the drop of a hat is leaving practice every night in tears then I give the coach a little more leeway and really evaluate if the issue is more the coach or more my DD. If, after evaluation, I determine that DD's post practice tears are extreme even for her then I speak with the coach

My gymmie DD is a young 7 year old (level 3). Her training group is full of "little" gymmies. Because they are so young there are girls in tears every night and a couple of them cry at virtually every practice. Bottom line is you know your DD and if you think this behavior is out of character for her and she does not typically respond this way in other situations then have a talk with her coach.

My DD trains three days a week/three hours a day as a level 3 and she's learning some stuff that really could get her hurt (I can only imagine what level 4 training looks like ). At this point if we are talking about a new skill soft and gentle is fine, but when she misses her front hip circle (a skill that she should be able to do at this point) and bangs her chin on the bar I personally want her coach to give her that crazy sideways look and ask her "What are you doing!!!" I want her to understand that this is serious and she needs to fix it or she's going to get hurt. And, if she simply can't fix it then we may need to back up and re-evaluate whether, at such a young age, she is physically and/or emotionally able to handle the level at which she is training.

Best wishes to you and you DD!!!

 

[GYM0M]

First off, gymnastics is harsh, all the way around. Secondly, let's evaluate the OP. DD is nearly 8 & a level 4 and having issues with a BHC. IF the child was consistent enough to move up to level 4, she undoubtedly had a BHC. The difference? The high bar. This could possibly be a fear issue that has been amplified with anxiety over the coach's frustration. My DD has 3-6 beautiful giants....on the low bar. The high bar is a different story and she lacks consistency. Side note to coaching practices: whether you are 4-14, there are absolutely no tears allowed in our gym (unless you are injured.). A young child, 4 years, was removed from class just this week. Fear issues are not tolerated either. Just this year, we've had at least 2 girls moved down due to fear. How do I feel about it? This may seem harsh, but I totally agree with these practices. IMO, tears and fears are contagious and distractions for the remainder of the team. And in all reality, the coach rules the roost. We can like it or leave it. Wish it wasn't so cut and dry, but that's just the way it goes.