Parents Carpool woes

[reluctant]

Normally I don't mind doing for other people, it takes a village for sure. But how do you handle it when you feel like you are take advantage of it terms of carpool, free babysitting etc. A friend asks me constantly to look after her daughter before school, after school, etc. There is never an offer to do something in return. I work full time and have two gymnasts. This friend does not go to the same gym as us. I like the mom, and the kid is one of my daughter's best friends, but it still doesn't feel good. I don't think I can say anything about it without it becoming a big deal. I am a pretty organized person. I think all mamas to competitive gymnasts are, so we have a schedule and I know what our plans are weeks in advance because we have to. I also have things to do every day like laundry and groceries and cooking meals. My kids don't always want company because they are trying to quickly transition from home to gym and get a start on their homework as they are waiting for me to go home to take them to practice. This other family is always unraveling a little bit maybe due to poor planning. I should be generous, but I am tired of it. I really just need an anonymous place to vent.How do y'all handle this type thing?

 

[kayjaybe]

When she asks you to watch her child, just say no. No need to give a reason. No is a complete sentence.

If you feel you need to say more than no, then “Sorry, I can’t today. Our schedule is just too tight” is a good, non-specific way to say no.

Someone can’t take advantage of you unless you let them. The more you say no, the easier it will become.

 

[jessifrostR]

What makes you feel that it would become a big deal?

 

[bookworm]

Another great response is "no, I have plans" ...the plans can be to sit on your butt but they are not plans to watch another child. And I agree with kayjaybe, the more you say it, the easier it becomes and the person soon realizes you aren't always there at their beck and call.

 

[bogwoppit]

You just have to learn to say no. The other parent will not get her act together if you are always there to bail her out.

 

[my4buffaloes]

I was taken advantage of that a few time. Same type of thing, but this person would be hours late on top of everything else. After one particular episode where I had to cancel other plans because she didn't pick up her kids on time I looked at my dh and said "I am coming up with an excuse RIGHT NOW as to why I have to say NO next time." And I started saying no. it was very freeing. Your and your kids time is valuable - even your down time is valuable. Figure out now what you will say next time she asks and stick to it.

 

[reluctant]

What makes you feel that it would become a big deal?

I am normally not a pushover. I have hard conversations with people at work all the time. This person thinks of me more as a family member, even though I am not one, and she is very hypersensitive. The type of person who is always going through a crisis. I don't dislike her, I just hate the imposition. And I like the kid. But you are all right. I am enabling the behavior. I like the idea of being community oriented and I have to ask other friends for help with carpool or childcare with some frequency. But I always reciprocate and I am always thankful. I also have a pretty big circle of friends that I can call on, so I am not imposing on the same person very often.

 

[gymnastmom05]

I'm sorry. I'm in a similar position now with a close friend. She has an odd situation with the school her son goes to and transportation isn't provided to her home. To make it easier, her son rides the bus to my house and she picks him up here. As the school year has gone on, she's later and later. The majority of the time, she is not here when he gets off the bus even though she gains an extra 20 minutes by not picking him up at school. The problem is I'm trying to get my son inside, use the bathroom, wash his hands and be ready to hop in the car so we can take his sister to gym. An extra kid here means my dog is going crazy and my son wants to stay outside and shoot baskets with his friend (my friend's son) instead of getting ready to ride in the car for an hour (I can't blame him). Meanwhile, I'm busy keeping the dog under control and yelling at my son to hurry up and get inside so we can go! We only have 30 days left this school year and her son will go to a different school next year, so I will muddle through. I guess, I can only sympathize with you!

 

[duyetanh]

I am sorry she is having drama. But her drama should not become yours. If you are still nervous to deal with the phone call, don’t answer, and text later, saying so sorry, you had your phone off because you and your dh have decided it’s important to shut off phones at some point during day....or just text saying got your msg, so sorry, not avail with a smiley face

I too used to have this problem, and will be honest...I lost what I thought was a friend over it....I now realize she wasn’t much of a friend...and gee funny thing, she has now glommed her way into someone else’s life to take advantage of THEIR kindness. Funny how that works, right?

ETA: upon reading again I realize why it is hard for you, because the child is a good friend of your kid...idk how old your kid is, but it might be time to have a talk about how just because you can’t have so and so over all the time doesn’t mean she isn’t a friend.

 

[jessifrostR]

I am normally not a pushover. I have hard conversations with people at work all the time. This person thinks of me more as a family member, even though I am not one, and she is very hypersensitive. The type of person who is always going through a crisis. I don't dislike her, I just hate the imposition. And I like the kid. But you are all right. I am enabling the behavior. I like the idea of being community oriented and I have to ask other friends for help with carpool or childcare with some frequency. But I always reciprocate and I am always thankful. I also have a pretty big circle of friends that I can call on, so I am not imposing on the same person very often.

That is a very tough position to be in. It’s tough but as others suggested you might just have to deal with the drama and say “Sorry I can’t this time”. It sucks that she put you in this position.

 

[suebee]

When I was a kid, one of my good friends lived a couple houses down the street from me. We did a lot of the same activities after school. Her mom always said to my mom, “Oh, since you’re going to school to pick up your daughter, just bring home my daughter as well.” And this was true - my mom would have gone to school to pick me up. And it wasn’t anything extra for her to bring home my friend, since she lived a few houses down the street from us, and my mom could have even driven her to my home and had her walk home herself. But this other mom was self-absorbed, never said thank you, never offered to pick me and her daughter up, and just figured that it was no big deal for my mom to bring home her kid.

My mom is pretty nice and couldn’t figure out why this bugged her, but it did, and she didn’t want to have a confrontation with this mom. She also wasn’t sure she trusted this mom to show up on time if she was ever to offer to drive me home, so she didn’t want to carpool.

So my mom just started avoiding this mom. She didn’t answer the phone around the the time this mom called. She pretended not to see her at school functions. So this mom had to pick up her kid herself. It didn’t save my mom any trips, but she at least didn’t feel like she was being taken advantage of.

I think it’s nice to be nice, but I certainly wouldn’t put myself out for someone who doesn’t seem to care about me or my family at all. If you think it will help, you can tell her that this arrangement hasn’t been working for you for a while now, so you won’t be able to care for her dd before or after school anymore. Then she’ll at least know it’s not because there was a problem between your dds or you have an issue with her dd specifically.

 

[Jazzjerz]

My kids don't always want company because they are trying to quickly transition from home to gym and get a start on their homework as they are waiting for me to go home to take them to practice.

Would it help you feel better able to just say no, if you framed it to yourself as actually being helpful and beneficial to your kids' relationship with their friend? If they start to resent her being there all the time, it may just be a matter of time before there is a fight or blowup or something between them.

Good boundaries, and being able to say no when it is not convenient for you, could actually help improve the relationship for all. I'd vote for not giving a reason or excuse beyond, "oh, sorry...that won't work with our plans today." If she moans and cries about it, just empathize, "That sounds like a tough situation. I'm not able to do that today, but I'm sure you'll work it out. Gotta run!"

 

[Madden3]

A friend asks me constantly to look after her daughter before school, after school, etc. There is never an offer to do something in return.

This is the heart of the problem I suspect. It is not really about you having a busy schedule that gets interfered with. It is that there is no reciprocity. That leaves you feeling like a doormat and would even if you had no other kids and no outside job. You feel taken advantage of because you are being taken advantage of! There has to be reciprocity of some kind. That is how friendship works. Obviously there are times you do way more than the other person...but usually that is because they really need that help and you know they would do the same for you if the situation were reversed. It does not sound like that is the situation here.

Some people are simply thoughtless, it is just the way they are, and often they are perfectly nice people otherwise but they simply do not "get" reciprocity. Since becoming a mom I have traded child care with several friends. It has never been an issue and usually it is all very informal- but I tend to keep a running tally in my mind because I want to be sure neither they or I ever feel put out or taken advantage of. Good friendships are too important to risk to these very understandable feelings. One friend who I traded nighttime sitting with on a regular basis a few years ago suggested that we keep exact track to keep it "even" for precisely this reason. That was more structure than I needed, but she felt more comfortable with this method so that is what we did and it worked great. Basically we communicated and found a mutually agreeable arrangement.

Since this girl is a good friend of your daughter's, you understandably want to avoid drama. Maybe it would help to slowly pull away. Maybe start by calling the mom up and saying that due to changes in your schedule, you would like to pick- up/invite her daughter over on ______days from X to Y time, but that you will not be able to watch her/drive her other days or times for a while. This is just one way to set a limit without having to constantly dread being asked and having to say no or find an excuse. Basically set a schedule.

Another idea would be to think of ways this mom could help you, and ask her for that help. Have you tried that? Maybe she does not know what she can do for you, or how to offer to help, and needs to be asked for specific things. Maybe if asked she will step up with enough assistance that you feel better about what you do for her. If you ask several times for reasonable things and she never manages to do them, maybe she will begin to get the idea that the relationship is very unequitable and pull back on her requests.

 

[John]

Sorry, everyone who has experienced this. This is not an isolated incident and you are not alone. When I experience this I try to focus on the child. I know if the parent can be so self-absorbed or in such a bad spot that they need the help of a gym-friend I feel the child may be struggling. I will just tell myself that this child needs my help and that outweighs the inconvenience. I say it won't last forever and maybe showing I care enough to help will teach both that child and my own child to be kind and that others care about them. I can not do it all the time but if I can make it work I will accept the task.

@Madden3 I truly like your take on things. I like to read your thoughts.

 

[BachFlyer]

Is the mom in question a single parent (or married but dealing with significant partner challenges) with very limited resources? She may very well know that it's inequitable and feel extremely guilty, but not know how to tip the scales back having very little in the way of the time and/or money to reciprocate. I've been that parent. I've relied on people more than I wanted to. I may have been selfish, but it wasn't intentional; at the time the friend(s) seemed understanding and willing, and sometimes when you're just trying to make things happen for your family and your back is up against a wall, you don't always do it the right way. I had hard time knowing the best way to help out in return. Maybe you could have an honest conversation - and say that you've liked being able to help but it's becoming a bit of a burden and you're feeling a little frustrated at the situation, maybe ask if she would be able to do X or Y in return, or ask what she can offer. I think honesty is refreshing sometimes, even when it's a hard conversation. We don't always know what someone else is thinking or needing unless they tell us, even when it's arguable that we "should" know.

 

[reluctant]

Is the mom in question a single parent (or married but dealing with significant partner challenges) with very limited resources? She may very well know that it's inequitable and feel extremely guilty, but not know how to tip the scales back having very little in the way of the time and/or money to reciprocate. I've been that parent. I've relied on people more than I wanted to. I may have been selfish, but it wasn't intentional; at the time the friend(s) seemed understanding and willing, and sometimes when you're just trying to make things happen for your family and your back is up against a wall, you don't always do it the right way. I had hard time knowing the best way to help out in return. Maybe you could have an honest conversation - and say that you've liked being able to help but it's becoming a bit of a burden and you're feeling a little frustrated at the situation, maybe ask if she would be able to do X or Y in return, or ask what she can offer. I think honesty is refreshing sometimes, even when it's a hard conversation. We don't always know what someone else is thinking or needing unless they tell us, even when it's arguable that we "should" know.

She's not a single mom, but there are definitely things going on in her life that have never gone on in mine. I struggle with saying no to things that technically I can do, because I always try to think about the shoe being on the other foot. There are so many people in my life that I can call on for help, and maybe not so many for her. Hence, her always calling on me. But clearly I need to say or do something so that I don't feel resentful. I will add that she has invited my daughter away for the weekend before on trips that there is no way I would let her go on because I would worry the entire time.

 

[BachFlyer]

Maybe you could approach it in a way that acknowledges she might be struggling, but yet still with honesty. She probably is a little hyper-sensitive because it totally sucks always being the one that has nothing to offer, and when you know you're not as "together" as the next person (and believe me you KNOW), you are already feeling like everyone hates you or is judging you because of it. Maybe she just doesn't realize what a burden she is being because she might see you, and your life, as relatively sane. If you see that she has potential as a decent human in other areas, could you have a heart to heart with her, and offer an exchange of doing X one or two days a week, but I needing Y from her in return? Could she do anything more intangible for you, cook, mow your lawn, take out your trash. If she can't/won't handle a gentle reminder of equity and gets defensive then that will tell you a lot about her intentions.

Of course I'm still not saying though that anyone should do things that they are not comfortable with. We all have to have boundaries that work for us. And that does sometimes that means we can't help. And sometimes not helping will push the other person towards a better long-term solution.

 

[Midwestmommy]

You said you plan many weeks ahead of time, your kids don’t always want company..etc.. and that they “may” be unraveling due to poor planning.

To me it just sounds like it’s a mismatch for carpooling. You sound super organized and regimented in scheduling and they are more informal and disorganized.

We used to carpool with a mom that snapped at my daughter for coming out a couple of minutes later than her daughter one night when she was in a hurry to get home. Ironically, two of us live blocks apart while they live miles further in the other direction, so we drove 15 minutes every time to accommodate her. I was really annoyed at first that she was nasty to my daughter (to the point that my daughter was in tears when she got home) given that her being in the carpool always made me 15 minutes later home!

But then, you know, we agreed to those extra miles, so I told my daughter I was sorry it happened, and that we don’t know what else she was going through that night. Blah blah my usual speech about learning from other’s mistakes how not to act when we are stressed.

We eventually learned that mom was was always irritated or resentful at someone for something. She demanded a full two month spreadsheet and got irritated and complained behind our backs if we ever had to change it. She was just wound super tight.

The next year the other two of us carpooled just the two families and didn’t include her. We exchanged texts on Friday, and it all worked out peacefully. There were some last minute changes because of sickness etc and we just made it work. That third mom I think likes us better now because we don’t have to be part of her monthly calendar planning, we can just chat over coffee or a glass of wine.

I am a big believer that if you say yes, don’t say yes and then resent it and cast yourself as a martyre. Just say no. If you do say yes, then do it with an open loving heart without resentfulness and judgement. There may come a time in your life when you will need the help and your own “angel.”

If you don’t like kids at your house after school say so, own it, and say no. Right now we very rarely have other kids over after school or weekday evenings because it’s homework and precious time for us. That may change once the kids get older. On weekends I throw the doors open...

And if I make 9pm pizza for 7 when I planned for 4 in a weekend, eh, I’m happy they are all there laughing with us and having fun.

 

[John]

@Midwestmommy I think you have nailed it. When "we" resent something it is our own feelings. We can control those feelings in different ways. We can remember we agreed and smile and enjoy that our children have friends. We can also acknowledge the situation is incorrect for us and make changes. This forum helps me keep myself in line. I am very thankful.

 

[reluctant]

You said you plan many weeks ahead of time, your kids don’t always want company..etc.. and that they “may” be unraveling due to poor planning.

To me it just sounds like it’s a mismatch for carpooling. You sound super organized and regimented in scheduling and they are more informal and disorganized.

We used to carpool with a mom that snapped at my daughter for coming out a couple of minutes later than her daughter one night when she was in a hurry to get home. Ironically, two of us live blocks apart while they live miles further in the other direction, so we drove 15 minutes every time to accommodate her. I was really annoyed at first that she was nasty to my daughter (to the point that my daughter was in tears when she got home) given that her being in the carpool always made me 15 minutes later home!

But then, you know, we agreed to those extra miles, so I told my daughter I was sorry it happened, and that we don’t know what else she was going through that night. Blah blah my usual speech about learning from other’s mistakes how not to act when we are stressed.

We eventually learned that mom was was always irritated or resentful at someone for something. She demanded a full two month spreadsheet and got irritated and complained behind our backs if we ever had to change it. She was just wound super tight.

The next year the other two of us carpooled just the two families and didn’t include her. We exchanged texts on Friday, and it all worked out peacefully. There were some last minute changes because of sickness etc and we just made it work. That third mom I think likes us better now because we don’t have to be part of her monthly calendar planning, we can just chat over coffee or a glass of wine.

I am a big believer that if you say yes, don’t say yes and then resent it and cast yourself as a martyre. Just say no. If you do say yes, then do it with an open loving heart without resentfulness and judgement. There may come a time in your life when you will need the help and your own “angel.”

If you don’t like kids at your house after school say so, own it, and say no. Right now we very rarely have other kids over after school or weekday evenings because it’s homework and precious time for us. That may change once the kids get older. On weekends I throw the doors open...

And if I make 9pm pizza for 7 when I planned for 4 in a weekend, eh, I’m happy they are all there laughing with us and having fun.

Whoa. This is a bit much don't you think? I am extremely patient and kind with this family. That's why I am venting here. I have extra kids at my house every single weekend because I like to make fun for everyone. I just don't being this person's emergency babysitter all the time.