coach blog explaining why he prefers "pushy parents"

[Bobby]

I enjoyed this blog post and thought many on CB would too:
http://xan-boni.blogspot.com/2010/10/why-figure-skating-needs-pushy-parents_18.html

I personally think that - as a crowd - we occasionally doth protest just a little over much about a gymmie's ownership of their sport. Yes it's theirs, but IMHO our children do better in gymnastics (as in life) with a supportive parental nudge every now any then.

 

[bogwoppit]

I have never heard you protest against pushy parents. Do you perhaps mean that you feel there are a number of parents here who you feel are pushy???

Interesting article, thanks for sharing. Nice that he clarifies what he means by "pushy", I do not really think he means pushy, I think he really means being a parents who is aware of the commitment to the sport and making sur the child gets it. He is not advocating home gyms, getting pissed when kids do badly etc.

I think we all believe in knowing the sport well and trying to find ways to communicate effectively with coaches and making sure our kids get the most out of the sport.

 

[Granny Smith]

I read the blog and honestly to me I think there is a difference between a pushy parent and a supportive parent and what was defined in the blog to me was a supportive parent. I believe there is a line and when you cross it, you then become a pushy parent. Getting you child to practice, even when they don't want to go sometimes, making sure they are there on time and prepared is being supportive. The child is still out there doing "their" sport, the parent is fulfilling their supportive role.

To me pushy is when you not only coach your child from an observation room (because everyone has said stuff from time to time), you question the coaches, you approach the coaches about training your child on skills and of course what level they should be. It always amazes me how us parents pay hundreds and hundres of dollars every month to a coach to do what they are trained to do, but some parents still feel they can do it better.

I only approach my dd's coaches for safety issues. If I feel something isn't safe, I will question it. I have blind faith in my dd's coaches that they know what they are doing and will get her to where she wants to go. I have talked to HC about what dd's goals are so that we are all on the same page and are working together to achieve dd's goals, but now it's up to the coaches.

I will continue to fulfill my supportive, non-pushy role and my favorite observation room sign is the double thumbs up when she looks up at me after doing a skill or whatever!

 

[gymjoy]

Did you all read the comments after the post? THe writer, in response to another comment, relabels her "Pushy" to "steery" - as in a parents steering or guiding their child into making the hard choices.

Overall, I like and agree with the post.

 

[Granny Smith]

I did get from the blog that the parent was "steering" and not pushy. I just added on my own that there is a difference between pushy & supportive, which I guess could be the same as "steering". Now I guess I would say that I agree with the blogger, but I do not agree with pushy parents who are living through their child's sport as their own and there seems to be 1 of these types of parents that reside at almost every gym.

 

[LizzieLac]

I think the article is really talking about how we, as parents, help our children make the right choices, prioritize and keep things in perspective. That is not pushy - that is involved.

 

[gymdog]

Sure, but the question is whether the child prefers having pushy parents. Because it's fine to say that all these people grow up wondering what if my parents had pushed me, but you know what? That's better than growing up to be a nervous. My parents are pretty laid back - that doesn't mean they did nothing for me in gymnastics or never encouraged me or pushed me ever. But compared to some of what I see? They could be a lot worse. I still have had fairly severe problems as an adult. If my parents were as pushy and overbearing and obsessive as some of what I see? Explosive with my personality. That would be straight up psych ward material. And don't for a second think I'm joking. I've seen it happen.

Stakes are pretty high here. I'd rather err on the side of my kid eventually vaguely musing "what might have been" than to have them be an elite athlete who can't get through the day without hurting themselves. Let's just be honest about what we're dealing with here. No one can do everything, and every high level athlete I know has the same kind of thoughts that pushing them to be high level athletes is supposedly combatting - they wonder what it would have been like to grow up without having practice every day, to have dated as a teenager, to be able to do random activities. Six of one, half a dozen of the other. People can tell themselves whatever they want to get through the day, but I think that premise is kind of laughable from the other side.

 

[Coacharella]

Whatever the author defines parents as - pushy, steery, supportive, she/he hit the nail on the head on what they were trying to convey!! I was nodding my head the whole time I read it. Especially this part...

"You cannot fight the coach over training schedule or regimen, or resist the regimen he or she has set up. You cannot dictate the training schedule; if you were qualified to do that, you'd be the coach. I see this all to often-- a parent thinks "well I know my kid, and this is what's best for her." Maybe. But you don't know figure skating, and frankly, high level figure skating brings out different aspects of your child, ones that you won't see elsewhere. Pushing at the coach to let you be in charge, or pushing the skater to fulfill your own goals is how you end a skating career, not how you manage one."

 

[taximom]

I also read through to the comments after the blog. I agree that as parents we "steer" our children towards their path in life. I think that if you allow your child to commit to something you need to be prepared to help them carry out that commitment without being overbearing and "pushy". I like the word supportive much better; we are providing them a structure within they have the opportunity to learn many valuable life lessons and do something they love.

 

[mariposa]

To me she isn't describing a pushy parent at all, just a supportive and realistic one. BIG difference.

 

[MdGymMom01]

There is definitely a fine line between being a "steering/pushy parent" and an "overbearing/over-involved parent". Of course all parents want to be involved with their kids activities so that they can be guided in a safe and nurturing direction. And of course us parents will be the ones getting them up early in the morning, driving them to practice and paying the bills. All of those things are necessary for the child to be able to participate in the sport. But, unfortunately, we also have all seen those parents that cross over into the "obsessive/overbearing parent".

If you can't tell if you have reached that threshold, take this quiz:

A Parent’s Questionnaire
Dr. Alan Goldberg
Competitive Advantage​

Take this questionnaire to see if you’re doing everything possible to help your child have a successful and
healthy sports experience.​

​

​

Answer each question with a 1, 2, 3 or 4.
1 = never true; 2 = occasionally true; 3 = mostly true; 4 = always true.
1) I get really frustrated and upset when my child performs below his/her capabilities.​

2) I give my child critical feedback on his/her performance after each game.​

3) If I didn’t push my child, he/she wouldn’t practice.​

4) If my child doesn’t excel and win, I see very little point in his participating in the sport.​

5) I can be very critical when my child makes mistakes or loses.​

6) I set goals with my child in relation to the sport.​

7) I think it’s my job to motivate my child to get better.​

8) I feel angry and embarrassed when my child performs poorly.​

9) The most important thing for my child’s sport participation is that he/she have fun.​

10) I get really upset with bad calls by the officials.​

11) Most coaches don’t know what they are talking about.​

12) I keep a performance log/journal/statistics on my child’s performance so we can monitor his/her progress.​

13) I feel guilty about some of the things I say to my child after he/she plays.​

14) I try to watch most practices so that I can correct my child when he makes mistakes.​

15) When my child fails I can feel his pain and disappointment.​

16) I think it’s important that my child gets used to having coaches yell at him/her to help prepare him/her for
life.​

17) My spouse and I argue about how I treat my son/daughter in relation to his/her sport.​

18) I try to help my child keep his/her failures and the sport in perspective.​

19) I’m never very concerned about the outcome of my child’s game/match/race.​

20) I will not allow my child to be put down or yelled at by a coach.​

21) If my child wasn’t so defensive when it comes to my feedback, he/she could become a better athlete.​

22) It’s not my job to evaluate or criticize my child’s performances.​

23) I feel that my child owes us a certain performance level given all the sacrifices we’ve made for him/her.​

24) I believe my child’s sport belongs to him/her and not to me.​

25) I just want my child to feel good about him/herself and be happy when he/she plays.​

​

​

SCORING
Add scores for questions #1-8, 10-14,16, 17, 21 & 23. (If you answered question #2 with a “mostly true” you add 3 points to the total score.) Subtract scores for questions #9, 15, 18-20, 22, 24, & 25.​

INTERPRETATION
The higher the score, the more potential damage that you are doing to your child. High scores indicate that you are playing the wrong role on the team and if you continue, you will increase the chances of your child burning out, struggling with performance problems and dropping out. Low scores mean that you are on track and doing the things necessary to insure that your child has a positive and life-enriching sports experience. If you scored a:​

60 – 50: You are doing everything in your power to seriously damage your child’s self-esteem, ruin their sports experience and make them a candidate for long term psychotherapy later on in their life. If you continue your ways, your child will most likely drop out of sports. If you force them to continue, chances are good that they will struggle with serious performance problems. On the off chance that they do achieve success, they will not be able to appreciate what they’ve accomplished. Finally, your long term relationship with them will be seriously jeopardized because of your lack of perspective and behaviors.

​

​

49 – 39: You are not being supportive enough and are doing too many things wrong. You are over-involved and putting too much pressure on your child. You need to back down, chill out and let them enjoy their sport. This kind of a parental stance will drive your child out of sports.​

38 – 20: You’re OK, but you need some help getting unhooked. You need to be more consistently supportive and take less of a pushing/coaching role.​

19 – 1: You are pretty much on track as a parent. You are positive and doing most of the right things to insure your child has a positive youth sports experience.​

​

​

0 – 15: BRAVO!!!! You are truly a winning parent. You can give workshops to other parents on how to help your child become successful in their sport.​

 

[mariposa]

I think that MGMs questionnaire thing should be stickied at the top of the Parents Forum and titled "Are you a crazy/pushy gym parent? Find out here!" I think sometimes parents truly don't realize things they are doing to "help" are actually detrimental to the mental health and happiness of their child.

And the next reply should have this link in it.
Parents/Coaches Guides - 13 Steps to Being a Winning Parent | Competitive Advantage: Sports Psychology and Mental Toughness

 

[bogwoppit]

Great suggestion Mariposa, I have created the new stickied thread. So that future members can self diagnose before they go postal on us!

 

[MdGymMom01]

Great suggestion Mariposa, I have created the new stickied thread. So that future members can self diagnose before they go postal on us!

Thanks Bog and Mariposa!!!! That questionaire should be the first thing that new CB members read and take!!

 

[gymjoy]

My score was a 9.
I tried to answer as honestly as possible.
I thought I might fail, and kept thinking about what I would do if it turned out I was crazy pushy-parent
I guess I'm doing okay for now...

 

[lilgymmie7]

"You cannot fight the coach over training schedule or regimen, or resist the regimen he or she has set up. You cannot dictate the training schedule; if you were qualified to do that, you'd be the coach. I see this all to often-- a parent thinks "well I know my kid, and this is what's best for her." Maybe. But you don't know figure skating, and frankly, high level figure skating brings out different aspects of your child, ones that you won't see elsewhere. Pushing at the coach to let you be in charge, or pushing the skater to fulfill your own goals is how you end a skating career, not how you manage one."

This doen't sound any different then teacher/parent role.
I push my kids to honor their commitments, but in no way do I push them to fullfill my dream or goal for them. That is their own reality to create. Sports are a means to instill 'life' goals and values in a Fun way. It's neat to see them successful, but what is neater is to witness my kids smile from ear to ear when they feel included. As I type this DS is running out because he can't wait to get out on the field with his team. Me, I am really not wanting to go freeze out there! And all I have to do is get to the car and drive him. I'm a wimp!

 

[lilgymmie7]

I did get from the blog that the parent was "steering" and not pushy. I just added on my own that there is a difference between pushy & supportive, which I guess could be the same as "steering". Now I guess I would say that I agree with the blogger, but I do not agree with pushy parents who are living through their child's sport as their own and there seems to be 1 of these types of parents that reside at almost every gym.

This started me thinking again. Oh boy!
There are in fact many "pushy" for pushing sake parents in every arena of life. This idea of 'competition' at all costs is what gets parents in my opinion to push their kids to be the best. Many do not see that their pushing only acts as an adverse effect. Kids with very pushy parents begin to resent all that they once may have loved or they, the children, lose sight of what was important to them from the beginning.
Parents need to be there as support for their children. This support can be and should be seen in many ways.
First when the child wants to begin an activity or sport the parent enrolls the child. When the child wants to quit because it begins to get hard, I do think the parent has to push a bit to show the child that just because something gets difficult, it doesn't mean they just give up. The parent should provide alternatives or options in a sense. If the child has tried these options and still desires to give up, then the parent must concede that enough is enough.
Many parents in my own experience opt to keep pushing, and their children who are people pleasers just keep going. I have seen some kids get on up to a high competitive level with very pushy parents, but regretfully I see these same kids with very little drive to do anything on their own. I have also seen many "pushed" kids grow up to be very mean-spirited adults. The kind that no one may want to be around.
Sports in my opinion should be a means that is utilized to help teach kids many valuable lessons. These lessons are meant to be in preparation for the real world.
I want my kids to pick a sport and of course do it well. Well doesn't always mean winning. Well means, well at least to me, doing 'it' as it should be done. If their oponent is better, which should always be thought of, then the child rises up to meet the challenge. In doing so, the child learns that with effort they can get better. The "Effort" is what counts as the valuable lesson. My own DS is learning now that HE is incharge of his sport, wrestling. He would get mad at his Dad when things didn't go his way. He'd say,"You only want me to win because it makes you look good!" What? But the child truthfully believed this. His Dad at points did not really know when to curtail the pushing. Now, after MANY, MANY, talks that when he doesn't win it's himself he should chew out OR learn "What can I do better? Where can I stand to improve?" he is beginning to really understand that this is his ship to sail. Kids will not ever pick up a lesson like this on their own. With pushy parents in the mix, the child will definitely never figure this out. My DH wants the best for our son, and he did think "pushing" was a way to help him. DS was sending many silent and some very verbal messages to his father. It is this experience that has made me really see things so much clearer.
I desire a positive relationship with all of my children. Whatever they choose to be involved in will be a means to help them become better people as a whole. But as their mother, I will do all to preserve my children's sanity. Pushing will only serve to make any child, adult, pet narotic. Nothing can be gained from this behavior. Plus, Lord knows, I want to live a good and happy life! I can only imagine the stress level that is present in a "pushy" atmosphere/home! No way do I want to ever live in that type of home!

 

[Bobby]

I have never heard you protest against pushy parents. Do you perhaps mean that you feel there are a number of parents here who you feel are pushy???

Interesting article, thanks for sharing. ....

Ummmm - I think it's pretty clear that's what I said, and the reason I said I posted it. The way you've phrased your reply seems to imply some disagreement with me, and yet you've just re-stated precisely the point I made in the first place.

I've never protested against a pushy parent on CB because I've almost never seen one. To the contrary, I've defended a whole bunch of parents that were drowned in accusations of being pushy when I think all they were doing was trying to be supportive. I'm more than happy to post some examples if anyone would like? (from the threads that weren't deleted obviously).

PS: I'm not sure what I did to earn the tone I'm getting from your post Bog - especially in context of what presents as a pretty wilful misinterpretation. And I'm pretty upset about it.

 

[Bobby]

Very bizarre but I seem to have lost the ability to edit my post so I'll just have to reply to it.
I meant to insert a quote of myself halfway through my first sentence above to explain what I mean by "that" (ie: your re-statement of my point, which I didn't see the point of quoting in full):

...IMHO our children do better in gymnastics (as in life) with a supportive parental nudge every now any then.

 

[gymnut1]

Ummmm - I think it's pretty clear that's what I said, and the reason I said I posted it. .

I found your OP a little confusing as to what you were getting at. I wasn't sure if you thought pushy was good or bad. I think we all agree supportive is good but know that some people do cross that line sometimes. Maybe all of us do sometimes Being a parent isn't easy at the best of times.