Parents DD struggling with lack of confidence & driving me nuts

[tennismom4]

Hello again everyone!

DD is 7 and made the "new" level 3 team. She is a powerful little kid, freakishly strong and has picked up things quickly (she just started gymnastics this time last year) so far so good.....and she has zero confidence in herself and it's beginning to wear on me.

I know gymnastics is supposed to help with this - but as we all know they train and train so hard for so long - it's such a delayed gratification sport. Because she is not the "big fish in the little pond" of the rec classes...but the small fish in the big pond of L3 girls (she is one of the youngest...most being 9-11) we're on a daily rollercoaster of nerves and emotions. She has recently been telling me each time I tell her "time to get ready for gymnastics" she pouts, tells me she doesn't want to go, it's too hard and she wants to keep playing with her friends. I just shrug my shoulders and say "ok" then drop it for 5 min (and yes, I drop it) then she always finds me and says "but can I go next time?" and I say "honey, if you don't want to do it, then lets just not do it" ..... then she immediately changes her tune, smiles and gets ready & begs to go. When I pick her up she is smiling but talks about how hard it is - then when she gets home and does her "stuff" on the lawn for all neighbors to see, they ooooh and ahhhhh then we're back on the "i love gymnastics! this is awesome! and it's rah rah for the next few days.

She even asked to try the L2 team and she went for one practice. When I went to pick her up all I heard about was how boring it was and she's definately staying with L3.

She is terrified of the beam, of falling off the beam, screwing up her routine, not knowing her routine in time and nothing I can say about she having 6 more weeks to practice, this is normal nerves, just relax and do your best.....I don't know if I should be caving into her fears or give her the "you need to follow through on what you start" speech.

I should add she doesn't handle failure well. Some preservere and some sink....she immediately gets embarassed by falling from the beam and shuts down and begins to tear up and tells the coach that she's bad and will never learn it.

I didn't realize that I would morph into a on-call psychotherapist but she has me going in circles and I'm really trying to figure out what it is that's the root of the problem since she's not verbalizing it. I've talked to her coach and all the coach tells me is how wonderful she's doing and how easy she is to teach. When she casts out the "maybe I should quit" line, I just say "well, ok...if you don't want to do this, I'm not going to force you...I just want you to enjoy gymnastics" (and I mean it...I can take it or leave it) as soon as she hears that she's assuring me "no! no! i love it! I don't want to stop!"

I feel like she's yanking me around.....help?

thoughts anyone?

 

[Jenny]

I think you understand your dd very very well. You have said it all. I don't really have any advice. You have tried an easier team, you have offered her to stop. I think I would maybe just ask her once a month (before tuition LOL) if she would like to continue with team and apart from that I would drop it. Tell her it is time to go and please be ready in 10 mins or whatever. It sounds like she is almost wanting a constant discourse on how hard it is etc. Once she has committed to team for the month she should go with no questions. I actually think sometimes young children don't want too many decisions to make, too much responsibility over their own lives and certainly not on a day to day basis. At 7 they just want "get up it's gym, get up it's church, get ready for Granma, get ready for school". Be loved, have fun, do your best.

Reassure her is hard but that is the only way to get those cool moves. Once she has started with meets she will probably be in a different frame of mind. It is hard to go from Big fish to small fish, it is also hard to progress as fast as she has into team. Good luck.

 

[SignHere]

We had one girl on DDs team cry when her dad brought her to practice. Every. Time. For months.

And she is a beautiful gymnast. Does well in meets.

The parents would just pack her up, and take her to practice. No arguments. She doesn't cry any more.

 

[alsmom]

My dd did the whole crying, refusing to go into the gym, saying it was too hard(it wasn't) last year as a five year old training old level three. Honestly, she was exhausted. She needed a break and probably did not have the words to say it. I am not sure if this is what is happening with your dd. I gave her a break- just one day of practice, really, and she went back and has not done it since.

She would do the same thing, have to be picked up by her coach and brought into the gym. Once she was going she was great, and is honestly a very serious 6 year old when it comes to gym. I do also think that it is a factor that she is so much younger. My dd is 2-3 years younger than her teammates. Their coach has worked hard to make them a team. For a time the older girls were picking up my dd, telling her she is so cute...she hates that!! The coach made it clear that this is not allowed, and it has really helped.

 

[MaryA]

I think it sounds like you're doing great! She knows that gymnastics is her sport, her choice. Maybe see if there are any age-appropriate gymnastics books you can read together? Or any older teammate's who might be willing to talk to her about things like, "Oh, yeah... I remember when I was trying to get my back handspring! It felt like I was never going to get it! But I just kept working at it and then I felt so good when I finally did one without a spot." What she needs to know is that gymnastics IS hard. And sometimes you DO fall. But if you really love gymnastics you just keep at it. Because by the time the skill that used to be hard has finally become easy, then there are more skills that you are working on that are even harder.

 

[gymmomtoo]

I agree with MaryA's advice about talking with an older teammate--or even her own teammates. My kids, at least, always thought they were the ONLY ones struggling with a skill or whatever. They thought everyone else was doing great. It always helped them to know that their teammates and girls higher that they looked up to, struggled at times as well. A mom of a younger teammates of my DD's called me a few weeks ago saying her daughter was struggling and wondered what to do to help her--and one of the things I said was to be sure she knows that ALL the girls struggle at times--and I let her know that my daughter and a teammate (who is the star of the team now) really struggled one summer and the teammate never wanted to go to practice. The mom thought that would really help her daughter to know that even xxxx had tough times.

 

[gymmutti]

My 7yr old L3 is getting nervous too. I think a lot of it is due to the fact that the meet season is only a month away and it is her first year of competing. If it is your dd's 1st year, then she is likely just expressing her nervousness of not knowing what to expect and worried she won't be ready (and not sure what being ready means either). When my older dd was getting ready for her first meet season she expressed similar "nerves" but calmed down as soon as she completed her first meet and knew what it was like (and no amount of mock meets seemed to help - we had to wait for the real thing). So hold tight for the next 6 weeks and see if passing that first meet of the season helps.

 

[wallflower]

I think you will know in time whether this sport is truly for your child or not. If she continues this type of behavior for an extended time I would say its probably not for her. Kids can love gymnastics, but still not be cut out for team training which is often not very fun. An adjustment period is necessary for some kids, but if she doesn't settle in then perhaps you should pull her out. I think you will know in time, but I don't think there's anything you can do to "fix" it.

 

[gymdog]

Make sure she's getting enough sleep, and then make a dedicated "routine" for getting ready for gymnastics. It can include physically getting ready and also some motivation/relaxation/mental preparation.

 

[Iwannabemargo]

I spent six months with Pink and Fluffy sat on my lap, in a leo, crying cause she wanted to join in but was terrified ( and that was rec). Then she would do the warm up if I did it with her, holding her hand, then she would join in if I was in the room. It was gradual but we got their in the end - now 3 years later she will be off in September on a bus with the county team, no mum or dad to compete in London.

Its taken me 3 years to asuage her angsiety, and we still have "moments" when she panics, but she has grown so much in confidence. Give it time, as others have said, she will either relax or quit

 

[Fliptwisttumble]

We had a similar situation when DD was almost 7. She started a new year in a new group, kids a year older, and moved from 9 to 16 hours. She had loved gym, but was constantly, I don't want to go, I'm too tired, why are you making me..... And yet while there you could tell she enjoyed it, etc. it went on for about 3 or 4 months.

Finally I said, well OK, I will let you quit, but before you do, tell me what you are going to do? Will you play piano, take up dance,play winter soccer? No, I will just "hang out with my friends" was the response. When I indicated that wasn't an option, she chose gym. I said I didn't want to hear about quitting again, and we could re-evaluate after a year.

It is two years now from when that started. She's never once brought it up. We've had more mature chats about the commitment required, what is being asked of her, and she is totally OK with it. Now she is almost 9, doing 25 hours and loving every minute.

i think it is partly the age. A lot is asked of them at 6, 7, 8..... and as parents we almost need to push them through it. They love it, but struggle with the commitment, hard work, etc. (hey I do that with my job in my 40s) For some, it may not be the right thing, but for others, it's just a temporary hurdle.

 

[LIGYMMOM]

My dd is 9 and starting new level 4 this year and is the same way, although at 9 yrs old, knows that she needs to push through it and go (never asks to stay home) but she always goes in with tears in her eyes, comes out completely happy. If I have the "quitting" talk with her before practice, she seems to contemplate it, if we have the conversation after practice, she says "no way!" I believe that we need to persevere and wait for the mental toughness to come. They're learning life skills right now that will stay with them and serve them in whatever else they do in their lives.

Gymnastics is a tough, high pressure sport and it sounds like your dd and mine already put a lot of pressure on themselves on top of what they get in the gym. Our job is to get them there, give lots of hugs, and to try to get them to verbalize their feelings so they can let them out in appropriate ways. Obviously we are still working on this! Good luck, I hope she is able to get over the "hump" quickly!

 

[lhmom]

I can tell you what went on with my daughter. She was 6 when she started team and it was a roller coaster until after she started competing. She never refused to go, but once we got there she didn't want me to leave. I remember that we talked at the beginning about giving training a month before deciding that she didn't want to do it. Then once I had to start paying meet fees, we talked again about if she was going to keep going, she was committing to competing for the season. We've always felt that it's important to finish something you start. Then if she wanted to quit, we were fine with it. She wanted to do it so we continued. I think what changed her attitude and nerves was seeing that the world wouldn't end if she made mistakes at competitions. But I think she truly changed when her state meet went well-everything (well, except beam) came together. She saw what her hard work could accomplish. She's now going into her 4th year of competing and I still will ask before paying for meet fees if she is committed for the year. There's not a doubt right now that it's where she wants to be. Good luck!