Parents Dealing with disappointment.

[my4buffaloes]

OK, first thanks to everyone who responded about helping her not be nervous.

Second, I am frustrated with dd's reaction to her meet. I need some tips please! Sorry it got long!

She started the meet with the best vault of her life and got a 9.1. Yet, I kind of had a feeling it wasn't going to be good enough. Second up was bars - her favorite and best event. She got a 9.175. This is average for her, but she has scored higher. Again, I figured it wasn't going to be enough, even though at fall states a lower score earned her second place.

Next came beam and it was beautiful - except for her falling on her leap. Ugh! 8.5. I noticed her crying really hard after this rotation and momentarily wished she had a cell phone so I could call her and tell her to shake it off. Then figured that she has to figure this out on her own, but wished her coaches would tell her to knock it off. She could hardly pull herself together to warm up floor.

Floor - looked great - scored 9.175. Higher than fall states where she won 1st, but I again figured it wasn't going to be high enough. Seeing some of the other scores, I could tell hers were probably too low.

We went into the awards with her feeling pretty chipper. I didn't say to her, but told my dh that I figured she wouldn't place on anything. I was right. I have no idea how far from the podium she was, but based on the winning scores on each event (9.6 + usually) I am guessing pretty far.

When it was over another mom told me she was crying. I went to investigate and she wasn't just crying - she was sobbing hysterically! How embarrassing! I tried to be cheerful in front of everyone, but when I could I whispered to her to knock it off and stop crying. She could hardly control herself.

After thinking about it for awhile, I think this is the first time she hasn't placed on a single event. Now frequently that is because they place all the way out, but still, she has never not placed before. I get why she is disappointed, but sheesh! Another girl came up to her, put her hands on her shoulders, gave her a little shake and said "welcome to my world!" I had to laugh.

I hope this makes her more understanding of others at meets. You can't win (or even place) all the time. After we got home I had a long talk with her about how she acted, I do not think it is OK to cry in the middle of a meet or to cry like that afterwards. She just said that she felt like she did all that work for nothing and was really disappointed in herself. How can I help her deal with her disappointment?

 

[bogwoppit]

I told my dd once that it is perfectly okay to shed a few minor tears after a fall etc but drama and histrionics would make that her last meet. The reason we had this chat was not due to her, but a team mate who had a total melt down. Someone has to come last sometimes, and no kid goes to a meet to come last, so at every meet lots of girls go home dissapointed.

Your DD had very good scores and should learn to be proud of her work. Instead of focussing on scores and placements she would do better to make some goals for each meet that she can acheive and that have nothing to do with judges etc. Also learning to understand that everyone wants to win, not just her, might help her to suck it up.

Failing that maybe she is just not ready to compete, part of competing is having a game face and not falling apart when things go wrong.

I know it is very hard on them, but life is full of moments of "failure", it is better that she learns a coping technique now, as the histrionics wouldn't be cute on a 40 year old woman!

 

[bpatient]

It might be about time for your daughter to learn that she can control only her own effort, but not the results of her competitors.

You can help her. While you may enjoy carefully noting your daughter's scores and potential placements as her meet progresses, perhaps your child will make a happier adjustment to increasing competition if you so greatly de-emphasize at least your apparent interest in scores and placements that the message that she receives from you is instead simply that you are proud of her.

 

[gymmomntc2e6]

My DD faced this disappointment at States this weekend. Did great, scored good. Placed on bars only and that was 9th. She did not cry or anything but I know she was a little bummed. She is used to placing.

this is a live & learn thing. i think you handled it well.

i actually thinks it is good for everyone to lose once in a while. how can we appreciate winning of we never lose.

 

[Mariainlv]

I think this is a situation that many can relate to. Much like Bog, I let J know that being disappointed and sad, ok. All out loss of control was not. Her first tumbling meet she saluted and then froze. Completely forgot what to do. She tried hard to smile and not cry but then was a complete mess. We went into the bathroom and I helped her wash her face and calm down. She was disappointed in herself. I explained her coach, her dad and I all were not disappointed. Its life and it happens. After we got home I talked to her in more detail about proper vs improper reaction and that the sport should be fun. If it is that upsetting, it cannot be fun, so she wouldnt be allowed to do it (at 7). I also included how it would make her feel if she won and someone else was crying that hard? Good way to learn that sometimes you can hurt someone else without meaning to at all.

Thus far it has worked for us.

 

[Blackie6]

OK, I impressed that you know what score is up from last meet and down...LOL...I couldn't tell you didly squat about my DD's scores. After 4 years of meets, the concentration is not on scores in our house, it's about growth & goals. I think that may be one way to help her thru dissapointments. Don't put so much emphasis on those scores or you will both go nuts, especially if you go out of state and judges are scores are much different. Many times my DD has been at the end of the no medals and it stings and sometimes there are some tears at awards, but this past year she got her first 9 on beam, no medal (only went out to 5 places) and we celebrated! I have to admit her teamates are very good to each other no matter what and sometimes they have cheered her up beyond what I could do.

Tell her it's OK to have a bad meet, bad day, bad event, no body is perfect, but there has to be something good to focus on at that meet. maybe set small goals for herself at each meet, not about the score, but about staying on beam or staying tighter during bars, better run on vault. And it's normal to want to cry when something goes wrong or have a little drama. But, you only get a small amount of time to do those routines and you have to learn to shake it off. I have seen great kids shut off and down after the first event, just give up! And, I saw a girl come in 2nd place at states with an incredibly high AA score and have a temper tantrum on the podium in front of a whole roomful of parents, coaches, and other gyms. I was embarassed for her! Everyone has had a failing momment, tell her about some of the past Olympians or athletes who fell apart at the wrong time. We are all human and sometimes life is full of those up and down moments, LOL

((HUGS)) and I home next meet goes better!

 

[my4buffaloes]

thanks for the responses! I tried to be extremely positive at the meet (and still am) about how well she did on vault (it is really a competition with herself more than anything and that is all we can compare to). We never really talk scores except in comparing HER scores from one meet to the next - never anyone elses. I remained upbeat about the meet and the season - in no way did she do bad at all. We are so proud of her. I told her several times to stop crying that it wasn't ok. When we got in the car and later at home I made it very clear that that behavior was completely unacceptable and that she could never act that way again. It resulted in more crying. She was so worked up about this meet. I knew she was nervous, but didn't realize it was this bad. It completely shocked me that she acted that way at all. She has been an emotional wreck lately in general about everything. And she is only 10! I dread puberty! I have never seen anyone crying hysterically at meets and never thought she would, so it really threw me. Hopefully it won't happen again, it was really embarrassing.

I hope that she takes this feeling and lets it motivate her, rather than beat her down. I think it is good for people to have bad meets sometimes and lose occasionally. I want to help her get over her disappointment and move on. She has certainly placed last in meets before, but like I mentioned in the original post, at lower levels they place all the way out and so she still got a medal. I think she puts a lot of pressure on herself, which isn't good. I really just want her to have fun and I think falling on beam took the fun out of the day for her. Not placing on anything just cemented in her mind that she must have done a bad job. Ugh! Why is gymnastics so mental? In the gym and out of it. I never know what to say and don't want to say the wrong thing. It is good to get others perspective. If anything now she has experienced winning and losing in the same season. She just needs to learn to handle it better! I think I need to wait a week or so when she isn't so emotional about it and has had time to think to really talk with her about what is appropriate behavior at meets, gym etc and what isn't. We have never had it come up before now. I appreciate everyone's input!

 

[txgymfan]

Some good advice I once got when I cried at an inappropriate time. Someone told me "Emotions are a choice" . You may not believe it, but it's true. When I got upset later I said it to my self as I felt the tears come. Self talk is a powerful tool.

You may want to write a few positive statements for her to tell herself when practice or meets get hard or emotional.

 

[lilgymmie7]

Was this your DD's first time of 'melting'? Sometimes emotions are so overwhelming that they do get the best of us. Children are so ill equipped to handle certain moments especially if they are difficult.
I found myself very nervous this weekend for DD. She voiced her first stressor to me on Saturday. I found myself reverting back to her older sister's gym days.
Older DD was very emotional especially at meets. She had only one real melt down, and it was at her first meet. She - older DD-wouldn't even shake the hands of her fellow teammates until I forced her to. Fortunately, that experience helped her realize what was acceptable and not by way of sportsmanship.

Little DD handled herself so well thank goodness. That is even when she had an accident running to the bathroom prior to her last event. This taught me that all children are so different. Yet, what we say to them about how we perceive them carries such heavy weight. It sounds like you did all that can really be done to help your DD. It could be that she just felt incredibly overwhelmed due to her own high expectations of herself. Keep talking with her about how well she really is doing and that we may at times make mistakes, but what we do with those mistakes is so very important. However your DD DID do VERY well!

 

[UnoMas]

She did really great with those scores and good performances!!! I'm sorry that she reacted like that, I am sure it was unsettling to see that. Although, I have to tell you, I don't think it is that unusual for a child to react that way, especially if they are kind of "used" to placing, etc. I have seen it quite a few times, especially in kids who were big winners in one level and then moved up and didn't do so well the next year. Crying and pouting...I have unfortunately seen it quite a bit. (and I have seen moms pouting too LOL).

My older DD had a decent L4 season but was in a very tough age group. She scored 36AA pretty consistently but never once got above 4th or 5th in the AA placements. She won 1st on bars a couple times, but other than that never usually placed in the top 3 on anything. She came away from one meet in particular with a high 36 and not much to show for it, while others in different age groups placed a lot better with lower scores. That was the one time she really acted upset, although she waited till after the meet to show it. So, it was a good learning year. This year in L5 her scores have gone down as have placements (although she did get 6th AA at state!). So, again, she has had a lot of practice at "not winning". I don't know if she will ever be a kid who is a top AA kind of gymmie. Man, I am rambling. What I am trying to say is that I have worked hard to focus on attainable personal goals with her instead of expecting placements or even scores. It has REALLY helped and she really dealt with her L5 season pretty well...celebrating HER victories which to others may have looked like losses.

Even a superstar gymmie can't win every single event at every single meet, and someone always has to come in last! (we have been there with little DD this year!). First or last, it should not define a person. It is one placement on one day. One little moment in time.

Hope some of this helps a little, and hope your gymmie can grow to learn from disappointing results. I bet she will with your guidance!

 

[Panda-girl's Mom]

The only experience I have seen was a girl who used to be at daughters gym would cry and get upset at meet not on the poduim but after. She also did really well was really supertalented and she ended up quitting because she put so much pressure on herself. I am not sure how you could help your daughter but if she is this upset over not placing she may not have a future in this sport. If my daughter was only focused on how she did at meets not the whole experience of being on the team and having fun she would of quit along time ago. I think it is great that you told her her behavior is unacceptable maybe her coaches could talk to her. I hope she can overcome her feelings of disappointment and start to enjoy her self more at meets. According to her scores she obviously has a lot of talent.

 

[Kiwi]

It does sound like she is putting a huge amount of pressure on herself. My DD also puts a lot of pressure on herself to do well. Last year was her first year competing and I worked with her to help her understand that not everyone gets a prize and to focus on her own improvement. In our competitions there were about 30 girls and places were given up to 6th, so there were lots of girls who didn't get anything at prizegiving. It might help if you can work with your daughter to help her reduce the pressure she puts on herself. I've been trying to teach my DD positive self-talk. I agree with the poster who said that emotions can be overwhelming. Sometimes it can be difficult even for adults to keep control, so it is no wonder children lose it sometimes. Rather than admonishing her for inappropriate behaviour, it might be better to help her to reduce the pressure and expectations on herself. Praise her and teach her to praise herself for other achievements, such as improvements in score and improvements in skills. If it didn't all go well, then choose some of the things that did go well so she can learn to focus on positives instead of only seeing the negatives. Be patient as it it takes time to learn new skills and it is an ongoing process.

 

[mtbmom]

I read your post and i can understand your reaction to your daughter's behavior. I agree with others' that this behavior cannot be tolerated. However, I feel that when she was crying hysterically, you reacted emotionally as I can see myself doing the same. I'm sure you were embarassed. Your daughter is young and perhaps did not know what to expect at the state meet. I think removing your child from the situation and telling her, in the moment, that this behavior is not o.k. is the best thing, but to keep it short. Afterward when she is not crying is a good time to let her know that not winning is not a waste of time. Explain to her that many kids don't win and that it does not mean that their work is a waste of time. My daughter won a 6th place on beam in level 4 one time out of about 8 meets. She won 2 medals in her first year of level 5 both at one meet, again for beam and one for all around. I think she was 4th place on beam (maybe 6th, don't remember) and some ridiculous place for all around (in the teens I think). She had also about 8 meet s that year. Now she never cried once, but she never would cry in front of others, due to being embarassed. Her first meet where she watched most of her teammates getting medals and she left empty handed she waited until she got to the car and cried. We explained the whole winning/not winning thing to her then and she was fine ever since. Always wishing she would win, but always so strong during awards. Clapping for her teammates and genuinely happy for them. You can tell your daughter about the little girl who didn't win more than 3 medals in 2 years who went on to be a state beam champion if you like. I think the best you can do is give her examples of good sportsmanship and how nice if feels when her teamates support her. This way she is learning to emulate good behavior rather than being chastised for bad behavior. Think Super Nanny. I think you need to nip the behavior in the budd, but you need to have some good examples of how to behave and why. Good luck!

 

[MdGymMom01]

^^^^^^^^^^
EXCELLENT post and advice!!!

 

[AlexsGymmyMom]

The state meet can be very hard on girls that are used to placing at all the meets they attend. It is a whole different ballgame since ALL girls compete there. Not just a few teams. I think the above advice about giving examples of great sportsmanship is a great way to teach her how to be a gracious even when she does not win!

 

[my4buffaloes]

Thanks so much! Lots of good ideas here. I didn't realize until after just how much pressure she was putting on herself. That is definitely something we need to work on. We will spend the next 6 months focusing on having fun and learning appropriate behavior before she has another meet. this was the first time she as ever acted like this so it was surprising. She had fallen on beam at 2 other meets this year (twice at one meet) and didn't cry, so it was unexpected to see her. I feel bad for her. We did go out to dinner afterwards to celebrate a great season and I think that cheered her up. Hopefully it gave her a chance to think about the bigger picture. I really appreciate everyone chiming in, it really has helped to give me perspective on her, meets, emotions, etc.

As an aside, my 12 year old was trying to make her feel better by telling her how Michael Jordan didn't even make his high school team - but she didn't know who he was so it didn't really make her feel better.

 

[MaryA]

I think it's important to let her know what is expected of her, and also that you'll be just as proud of her for being a good sport as you will for bringing home a 1st place trophy. At her first meet this year, I knew that Kathy would probably have to scratch on bars. I told her ahead of time that I expected her to smile when she soluted the judges and to cheer louder than anyone when her teammates competed... and you know what? She did just that. I could tell she was crying a little when she soluted the judges, but she smiled. And even though the bars were tucked to one side of the bleachers and I couldn't even see Kathy from where I was sitting, I could hear her cheering for her teammates. After the meet I made sure to tell her how proud I was of her for her attitude and good sportsmanship. Truly, there was no prouder mom at that meet!

 

[Optionals United]

This seems to be a common issue that goes away with age. I know that it is ok to shed a few tears after a fall or a bad roatation, but I know when it is time to pull myself together. You cant let one fall ruin the rest of the meet for you. No one ever has an absolute perfect day and that is something you just have to accecpt. You learn from your mistakes and when you fall you larn how to change things so it wont happen in the future. You cant place on everything at every single meet and that is part of the sport. I dont really care what my scores are because you just have to set goals for yourself. YOu cant focuse on scores or places because then you aren't paying attention to your gymnatics. I try to think of good achievable goals for each meet such as staying on beam,taking a smaller step on my vault, hitting my handstands on bars ect. If you set those types of goals for yourself you are better off than only thinking about your scores or places. Rewarding those goals instead of places and scores will teach your DD that is ok to have a bad day but to also have a good attitude anout it. I hope you and your DD can use this as a learning meet and just enjoy going out there and having a good time at the next meet.

 

[Granny Smith]

I have a dd that puts a ton of pressure on herself, she has stuck with the sport and is currently about to compete at L9 Regionals. She is older than your dd, but honestly for some kids the pressure doesn't just end and they have to learn to deal with it. Couple of things I always say to my child:

"The gym is your stage and you do not cry on stage." The tears seem to flow in practice (not too often anymore, but it does happen.) I have told her that tears from pain, hurting herself are one thing, BUT tears of frustration are unacceptable. If she gets to that point, she needs to go to the ladies' room and pull herself together. We just had a meltdown (tears) last week out of frustration due to the fact that she was out sick for 2 day and OMG Regionals are around the corner! When she came back to the gym, she was having a hard time hitting any of her tumbling passes due to exhaustion. Tears - yes, understandable, but still not appropriate. She left the gym and went into the lobby/bathroom to gather herself. Yay, she is showing progress!

Meets and dissappointment of not placing. We've dealt with this too. Remember, it's just one meet. States is still just one meet and one meet doesn't define who you are as a gymnast. Some girls will have the best day of their lives and others will fall short. Think of Alicia Sacramone at the Olympics. She did not have a great meet, but does that mean she is not a good gymnast - absolutely not! I think what defines a gymnast is what they do after having a bad meet. Is it all poor me, I stink, blah, blah, blah or is it go back into the gym and continue to work hard and improve. It honestly goes the same way for the kid that wins the "big" meet. Just because you win States, you still have to go back into the gym and work just as hard as the gymnast that came in last place.

You honestly can not enjoy the splendors of victory if you have not ever experienced the agony of defeat!