Parents Dealing with disappointment

[xrachx]

DD came out of training yesterday in tears. They've got an in house comp coming up and she's been put in group 2 rather than group 1 because she's lacking one skill (she has it but it's inconsistent). She's also coming back from injury, so it'll be the first time she's competed AA since breaking her finger (yesterday marks second week of being back to full training).

I understand the HC reasoning, it's just DD is really beating herself up about it. It's annoying as she had such a good session yesterday otherwise, getting skills back and gaining new ones too, but that's all been wiped away by her disappointment in herself.

I've suggested if shes that upset about it, if she works hard on her strength and conditioning, gets this move consistent, then she could go chat to HC to see if she can be moved up, but that's down to her putting the effort in, no one else can do it. I've also tried to down play it, saying it's just an in house, nothing to stress about etc etc.


Is there anything else anyone could recommend or is it just sit and see whether this spurs her on or not?

 

[Deleted member 18037]

How old and what level?

I like to revisit old videos with my daughter. Her first wobbly steps, her first bike ride, her early and ugly cartwheels right up to the present. She sees it all takes time and work. And what is now easy, once wasn't.

 

[munchkin3]

Loosing skills and having to perform so-so skills is part of gymnastics, and I can see from where we are at in our journey with DD, it's going to get more and more frequent. And the mental side is going to make her or break her. How old and what level?

I hardly discuss these setbacks anymore, unless DD brings it up. She used to whine and complain and blame others, but now she understands that it is a process. As it gets harder, we will see how she learns to digest these disappointments and successes.

My take on this is, DONT FEED THE BEAST......Try and not engage too much on this....Explain it as mathematically as possible and make it all general ......'coach has specific reasons for putting all the girls in the group they are in......'
We have groups and girls move around ALL the time! At the beginning there were parents LITERALLY lined up at the office screaming about the group their DD was place in.....a few quit because of the 'group' they were in! ( no matter that they did not have skills and had not gained anything in months)...


Then Id downplay the meet. I used to think by downplaying the meet, I was conveying to my daughter that it was unimportant and she could therefore, goof off and not take it seriously..........now, I realize (she's 10) she is taking it WAY more seriously than I thought......kids also OVER emphasize it so I try to put it in perspective......
I always tell my DD, the first meet sets the bar. The goal is no falls.
From that point, it's only to try and increase the AA score throughout the season.....
While his is all happening, I try to be as cool and collected as possible! I don't over react anymore. I focus on the fun of the meet and where we may go afterwards.....

Good luck!!!!

 

[cbifoja]

In our gym, it's pretty standard to group kids by ability and it is a spectrum. Where ever the coach makes the dividing point, there are going to be kids who are barely above the divide and those who are super close but not quite up to the divide. Someone has to the best of the bottom group. That's just the nature of dividing.

I would acknowledge the disappointment and allow her to learn to get over it/deal with it because that is SO important! Having those coping skills will help her deal with disappointment as an adult rather than turning to dangerous behavior.

My daughter spent about two weeks in a lower group once and she manifested her disappointment as a challenge. She wanted to be in that top group because that's her personality. I didn't have to push her and offer suggestions because when she wants something it's no holds barred. She went to the coach and made a bargain (giants on the "real" bars) and then spent every free minute working on bars. When she had them, she was proud of herself and happy to move to the top group.

God I love the life lessons this sports teaches our kids.

 

[profmom]

Your approach is exactly right. Don't make a big deal of it and encourage her not to as well. I know how disappointing and upsetting the group thing is -- we've been through it on both sides for our two many times -- but mostly they settle down and get over it pretty quickly if encouraged to do so.

In general it's wise to discourage a lot of investment in a particular workout group, since they do change over time, and as everyone is saying, you never know when skills will come and go and come again.

 

[xrachx]

Thanks everyone
I had a chat with DD earlier, said I'm incredibly proud of what she's achieving considering she's only just back from injury, and she should be kind to herself as she's still recovering. Seems to have sunk in for now as she's a lot happier and seems more determined to get her strength and flexibility back too (found her in splits when she was meant to be tidying her room lol)

 

[Mrs. Puma]

And what is now easy, once wasn't.

Great point. Even adults forget this, but thinking about a skill that was once "impossible" and is now easy as pie is helpful and good for confidence. And @munchkin3 has a lot of great points too -Don't feed the beast- (I couldn't figure out how to quote two things! Lol!) Kids feed off us...even when I was freaking out that Puma Jr lost her squat on completely after competing it fine for 3 meets, I just blew it off..."you had it once, it will come back...just listen to your coaches.." And guess what? It's back. Also, downplaying the meets is key. I try to have Puma Jr have specific skill goals, not score or placing goals. I think (at least in the lower levels?) it's better to celebrate the small victories and have goals as an individual rather than worrying about the other kids. I'm sure some of this is easier said than done when your kid is hurting...good luck! It will make her stronger in the long run!

 

[Deleted member 18037]

Kids feed off us...

Yes. I always think of the toddler who takes a spill and looks to Mom.

And the 2 types of Moms.

The one who goes rushing in oh no you fell, where's the boo boo, that's the kid who bursts into tears

Or the one who goes oh you fell, it's Ok go ahead get up. That kid has no tears and moves along.

I try to be the second one.

As parents I think we need to check ourselves and our stuff, too make sure it's really about them.

That and we can't save them from negative stuff, just help them deal.

 

[Faith]

We have this quite often, as DD is a bit of a betweener- no phenom, but has a couple of higher level skills for her age. We present it as the choice that she will do best in.

So if the easier level is chosen, it's because the coach wants her to focus on cleaning up the skills she can do, going in confidently on every skill/piece, getting everything toe perfect. If she is put in the harder level it's because the coach wants to challenge her, make her work and practice new skills.

So not about her ability, but about how each competition can help her progress differently.