Parents dilemma - please please help.

[Busymum]

Hi all
So I'm stressed. My daughter has been in a development group for about 10 months at a big and very competitive gym. She has been going twice a week for a total of 3 hours. Now she's not the best in the group but she loves it. However more and more often she comes out unhappy. I spoke to the head coach about this and he said she was way behind the other girls as her coordination wasn't naturally high. He said he keeps her in the team as she has beautiful shapes and the perfect gymnast body (what ever that means). This was about 4 months ago. Since then DD has come out of practise fed up more often then not. They use a little trophy plus well done stickers for motivation and she rarely gets a sticker and has never had the trophy at all in nearly a year. This really upsets her and makes her feel that she's not good enough. She is only 6 (nearly 7) and this makes me so sad as she goes in excited and comes out deflated. Now the coaches are very skillful snd turn out very successful gymnasts -- all the girls take most of the top podium spots at competitions with high scores. Having said this the coaching style is very strict and not overly positive at times -- My daughter said she was recently told in front of all the girls that she had the worst shoulder flexibility of the group and that her splits are getting worse not better. She came out so frustrated with this and said she felt embarrassed!

So about four weeks ago, head coach came out and said that he can no longer keep my daughter in the development group and that ordinarily he'd be considering putting her back in rec but feels she's advanced beyond that so would be bored. He said that he was putting her into pre development but was thinking advanced rec would be likely for her. I spoke to my daughter at home and she was crushed. Tears and self doubt -- saying she must be rubbish and she doesn't want recreational gym -- she wants team gym. I said that's not true and that she's a fabulous little gymnast and we agreed she would try hard to get back into full development. I explained the conversation to head coach at next practice and what he said has really upset me --- he replied - the thing is I see something in her but none of the other coaches do but as I get final say she can stay for now -- ok so great -- head coach sees something in her but he NEVER coaches her - or rarely!! Which means most of the time she is being coached by people with apparently have no belief in her! How is she meant to flourish like that?? I watched her closely that session and the one after - she worked her socks off! Totally focused and showed determination to show she could do it! She still came out with no sticker so was upset again.

After talking with my partner we decided she was too young to be having her confidence knocked so much and feel like she's inadequate at something she loves! To help her get her love back I took her to a fun session at another local gym as a half term family activity. The coaches there were awesome --- so friendly and made her feel welcome! At the end their head coach approached and asked if she was interested in trilling a class there so I let her! They then offered her a spot on their development team training twice per week saying she clearly has 'something' about her and that she was graceful and flexible. My daughter is massively excited and wants to switch -- it was so nice seeing her smile again. I asked why she liked it and she said because they were kind to me so I didn't get a funny tummy!

So we are seriously considering changing. I've emailed old head coach and got no reply. Left a message asking him to call me - no call!

I just wanted to know what you would have done in these circumstances? I don't want to be seen nor feel like a traitor/gym hopper. Is our current gym the better option due to its amazing facilities? They sweep medals at competitions and have girls on the national team so clearly expert coaching! Team mums and girls are totally lovely -- we would miss them!

New gym -- smaller and not in purpose built facility though they are due to construct one soon and should be in their own facility in 18 months. Coaches seem so nurturing and their ethos means gym for all -- even their rec do friendly competitions which I think is awesome.


Am I doing the right thing??


Thanks for reading -- that was long!

 

[billise]

Gymnastics is such a long journey and most girls never even make it to level 10 let alone national teams. I would go with the gym that does the best job of fostering attitudes and mind sets that will serve her well outside of the gym, not just gymnastics skills... Hard work, focus, perseverance, balanced with compassion and encouragement.

From what you've described that sounds more like gym 2.

 

[munchkin3]

Sounds like a lot of 'drama' very early on. Some gyms are very hard core and not only are they looking for the right body type, and form but also the correct personality and attitude (to be in a very harsh or competitive setting). Some kids don't care about the sticker, or what Suzy A+ is doing while others are focused on not being the best or what bad thing the coach said, or what the friend in class said.........I'm not saying this is your child, I'm saying that gymnastics can be very cruel and you need to be very resilient to handle the psychology, ESPECIALLY if you want team.
A coach looks for the kids who have the physical attributes, kids who have little/no fear, and kids who don't get offended often. Those kids that get hung up in one of these areas might be urged to move to rec, where it's not a big deal.

If you like the new gym and it fits your DD personality and maturity level, then go for it.....she is very young so at this point she should be working towards team, should be relatively happy, and should begin to have 'hard' practice days......this will prepare her for more a stressful competitive environment. If at her old gym she was in he back of the pack, that may not be good for her.

I started my DD in a very nice 'low pressure' program that was great for little ones......she excelled and was always at the top 1/4 of the group. I moved her at 10yo and she is training optionals........I won't even tell you what kind of things the coaches say......but as long as she can handle it, it's not a problem..........
As I tell her- this is NOT gym-nice-stics anymore......love it or leave it.

 

[gracyomalley]

If her path seems to be dead-ending at gym one in advanced rec (at age 6), and gym 2 sees what the former head coach saw AND looks like it will give her a chance to continue to advance at whatever pace she can manage, then gym 2 is the healthier choice.

It is important to be sure that gym 2 can train safely and well into optionals, but most girls will never get close to Level 10 even....so the rest is not critical at this point - frankly, she probably wouldn't still be struggling at developmental level at almost 7 if she was headed for the Olympics or national team, and if she were likely to NEED a gym that puts kids on the top of the podium she'd have "something" that the other coaches would see as well. DD was clearly talented at that age, built for gym and strong, flexible, etc...but she still topped out at L8 skills due to her emotional make up and life circumstances... and of her developemental group the kids who kept going and are possible level 10+ candidates were at least as obviously talented at age 5 as she was, if not more. However, there were several who took longer to get out of developmental and moved slower in the compulsory levels who are still happily competing at age 14-16 in mid optionals...and at small gyms that are willing to work at their paces. Just because a 6 year old MIGHT not be destined for Level 10 doesn't mean they aren't a great gymnast and shouldn't have the opportunity to progress. It also probably true that there have been cases of kids just like her who blossomed into college gymnasts, but its probably rare, so if that's all that gym 1 is interested in training then lots of great little level 3-8s will get stuck in rec.

Don't let any sport tear your 6 year old down like that - so not worth it. Hopefully there is a gym (maybe gym 2) where she can flourish, but if not, find something else that she can enjoy and feel good about. It's just gymnastics!

 

[Busymum]

Thank you both!

Munchkin, I think you're right. My daughter is funny, energetic, competitive and loving but she's also very sensitive and can take things hard. Mostly she deals with these knock backs just fine but more recently not so much. Maybe maturity wise she needs a smaller gym at the moment. Either way she wants to compete -- I'm not sure she will get the opportunity to if she stays at gym 1 as they really do go after perfection and I'm not sure my DD has the drive to be that just yet .... Maybe a few years down the line. Right now I think she needs somewhere with a slightly more positive edge -- she totally thrives of positivity - that's what gets the best out of her.

From a mummy perspective, I don't see how leaving her to train with coaches who I have been told by the head coach actually do not see gymnast potential in her will ever help her to flourish.

She is a live wire who needs firm to an extent but also positivity.

 

[Busymum]

If her path seems to be dead-ending at gym one in advanced rec (at age 6), and gym 2 sees what the former head coach saw AND looks like it will give her a chance to continue to advance at whatever pace she can manage, then gym 2 is the healthier choice.

It is important to be sure that gym 2 can train safely and well into optionals, but most girls will never get close to Level 10 even....so the rest is not critical at this point - frankly, she probably wouldn't still be struggling at developmental level at almost 7 if she was headed for the Olympics or national team, and if she were likely to NEED a gym that puts kids on the top of the podium she'd have "something" that the other coaches would see as well. DD was clearly talented at that age, built for gym and strong, flexible, etc...but she still topped out at L8 skills due to her emotional make up and life circumstances... and of her developemental group the kids who kept going and are possible level 10+ candidates were at least as obviously talented at age 5 as she was, if not more. However, there were several who took longer to get out of developmental and moved slower in the compulsory levels who are still happily competing at age 14-16 in mid optionals...and at small gyms that are willing to work at their paces. Just because a 6 year old MIGHT not be destined for Level 10 doesn't mean they aren't a great gymnast and shouldn't have the opportunity to progress. It also probably true that there have been cases of kids just like her who blossomed into college gymnasts, but its probably rare, so if that's all that gym 1 is interested in training then lots of great little level 3-8s will get stuck in rec.

Don't let any sport tear your 6 year old down like that - so not worth it. Hopefully there is a gym (maybe gym 2) where she can flourish, but if not, find something else that she can enjoy and feel good about. It's just gymnastics!

Thank you -- you are right of course - I'm reasonably certain that olympics/national team is not on the agenda for DD. To be honest I'm not sure I'd want it to be -- we are happy for her to be the best gymnast she can be while getting the opportunity to compete and be part of a team as that's what she wants to do.

 

[Iwannabemargo]

if they are an "elite track" gym in the UK (and its sounds like they are) they will be focused on getting their girls through on a very specific path. There are plenty of other gyms who train and compete their girls for the love of gymnastics, not to make the national team. Check out some of the UK threads about the system.

PM some of the UK coaches like @Jenny , @Faith , @marie83 they may well know good clubs in your area. Just because you don't fit at one gym doesn't mean she wont be a successful and competitive gymnast elsewhere.

Good luck

 

[Busymum]

if they are an "elite track" gym in the UK (and its sounds like they are) they will be focused on getting their girls through on a very specific path. There are plenty of other gyms who train and compete their girls for the love of gymnastics, not to make the national team. Check out some of the UK threads about the system.

PM some of the UK coaches like @Jenny , @Faith , @marie83 they may well know good clubs in your area. Just because you don't fit at one gym doesn't mean she wont be a successful and competitive gymnast elsewhere.

Good luck

Lovely -- thank you!

 

[Busymum]

Thank you all -- I'm told her weakness is her coordination. She has the perfect body, super flexible, reasonable strength but while she holds beautiful shapes and can do individual skills she finds it tricky to connects lots of elements together so takes her longer to 'get it' than the others. Head coach said he's finding himself having to go back and her more 1:1 coaching than the others and that's not something he has time to do.

I just don't want to keep her there if it's damaging her confidence and will likely max out at advanced rec as that's not what she wants! Tough choice!

 

[Sasha]

I'm not in the UK, so I don't understand everything about the different 'streams' but it sounds like this is an elite-path gym that selects very critically and at a super young age, and that is their sole focus for team. We have those kinds of gyms in the US, too. It is a nice gift of honesty that the HC kindly revealed to you that the coaches are looking for something different than your DD is bringing at the moment, and clearly told that team is probably not going to be a fit at this gym. I would be thankful for the clarity (even if it breaks your heart - I know how hard that is!!) and move on to a program where she can shine. And clearly your DD is stressed and unhappy, so all the more reason to find something that is right for HER! Good for you, mom, for seeking information and having realistic goals for your daughter. I am hopeful you will find just the right fit. She is SOO young - she deserves to enjoy her gymnastics!

 

[munchkin3]

There is plenty of room for great gymnasts that can have fun, advance at their own pace, and be in appositive place.....I have never been a Big fan of the 'all or none' attitude of some gyms.....she is way to young to make that determination! Let her have fun!
Best of luck!!!!

 

[Busymum]

There is plenty of room for great gymnasts that can have fun, advance at their own pace, and be in appositive place.....I have never been a Bing fan of the all or none attitude of some gyms.....
Best of luck!!!!

Thank you! My fingers are crossed got her!

 

[Deleted member 18037]

Move her. It's a no brainer.

 

[mariposa]

Find her a new gym! There's a gym for everyone, sometimes you just have to find it. My kid didn't look like a gymnast at all when she was on developmental. All the other girls did. They were either flexible or had beautiful form, some had both. My kid had strength and a love of gymnastics. She stuck out like a sore thumb. Luckily she wasn't at a hardcore gym and her coach could see how much she loved gym and how hard she worked. She's now a 13 year old level 8 and none of the kids in her original devo group still do gymnastics.

 

[gymdog]

Just switch. You aren't competing at the current gym and the head coach basically flat out told you he doesn't have enough time to coach her (whatever that means), so it doesn't sound like you owe them much. I would just follow whatever withdrawal procedures they have set out with as little info as possible. Before you sign up at the other gym I would see if you can find out more from members here or do at least two classes as a trial.

 

[Busymum]

Just switch. You aren't competing at the current gym and the head coach basically flat out told you he doesn't have enough time to coach her (whatever that means), so it doesn't sound like you owe them much. I would just follow whatever withdrawal procedures they have set out with as little info as possible. Before you sign up at the other gym I would see if you can find out more from members here or do at least two classes as a trial.

I think I will do -- I gave my daughter the choice. She was torn for a few days then told me she wants the new gym because they were kind and didn't give her a funny feeling in her tummy. It's such a shame though as the kids in her current team are so lovely and do are the parents!

 

[mariposa]

And all that was to say that if she loves gymnastics, keep looking till you find one!

 

[xrachx]

Change and never look back. Your DD needs coaches that believe in her, push her, challenge her, and want her to do well. It's all about finding the right gym that can offer that.

DD has changed gyms twice, once because she had enough of being knocked down and dismissed by the formerly lovely coaches, and the other only because we relocated. She trialled at several clubs when we moved, including the highly competitive clubs, but they couldn't see past her weaknesses. Luckily we found one club who could see the potential and she's gone on to thrive there, with the medals and trophies to prove it.

So when you're questioning if you should move gyms, the answer is generally yes. Do it and never look back.

 

[my4buffaloes]

Clearly the old gym wasn't working for her. If the new gym loves her and she loves them - switch and don't look back. You need to do what is best for your dd and staying at old gym is not good for her.

 

[Iwannabemargo]

you will find nice people in every gym, we are on our third gym ( with some of the same people and coaches from the first lol) and in each gym we have found lovely people