Parents Grandparent's divorce and gym meet (long vent)

[Committed]

So, my parents have been divorced a couple of years now. They're not very friendly with each other. In fact, I'm not even sure that I'm supposed to tell my mom where my dad lives. Anyway, they live close enough to each other, that it makes it very awkward if I'm planning on visiting one or the other.

Anyway, DD has a meet in a nearby town (to both of them). And both have expressed an interest in going to DDs meet. I told my dad not to go because I don't think he'll enjoy sitting and watching gymnastics for so long (he didn't even go to my high school graduation nor did he watch a single cheer competition or game). I truly don't think he'd be happy to be there. I did tell DD that he would like to watch the videos when we got to his house.
Then, my mom found out that we were staying with my dad and now she doesn't want to go to DDs meet because her "feelings are hurt."

Now, neither are going. I don't really care. I don't want to sit with either of them for an entire meet. However, DD was really sad when she found out grandpa wouldn't be going. I told her that it would be okay because grandma would be there. Now grandma is trying to play the "poor me" card. I was trying to plan lunch date with her to hang out before the meet when she started crying (literally) about not wanting to go. I basically just hung up the phone on her.

I can deal with their problems when it's just me that's put in the middle. I can't handle it when it effects my kids. I thought the whole point was to support DD and her gymnastics?

My dad is still single and we haven't visited him in a long time because he didn't have anywhere suitable for us to stay. In fact, he just bought a house and has been renovating quickly so that we could all stay with him when we came down for this meet. My mom has "moved on" and has been considering moving in with her boyfriend, so it's not like she's lonely.

I'm pretty mad right now, and I can't see that I am wrong, or am I just being really cold-hearted? I have zero intention of apologizing. However, if neither plan on going, I will have DD call one of them directly to ask them to come. Unfortunately, that puts me back in the middle, but I don't want her to be punished because of a family issue.

 

[bogwoppit]

They both need to grow up and get a grip. This should be about their grandchild and not about them. What on earth will they do for grad, for weddings for great grand kids.

You have nothing to apologise for. Stay with whoever you want and invite whoever you want. Like for family events, you invite everyone and they just have to suck it up and get over themselves.

As a divorced person myself I am eternally bothered by parents who do not get their act together for their kids and grandkids.

 

[kaloss]

They both need to grow up and get a grip. This should be about their grandchild and not about them. What on earth will they do for grad, for weddings for great grand kids.

You have nothing to apologise for. Stay with whoever you want and invite whoever you want. Like for family events, you invite everyone and they just have to suck it up and get over themselves.

As a divorced person myself I am eternally bothered by parents who do not get their act together for their kids and grandkids.

Amen!!!!!

 

[mimi]

My in-laws are divorced and they act much the same way. We are constantly worried about how family activities are going to go and if everyone is going to get along. We have had family birthday celebrations for the kids where we haven't been sure who was coming, who was mad at who, etc. It is very stressful and I always feel bad for my husband. He had to cope with them divorcing when he was in high school and he still has to deal with their bickering now as an adult. As far as the gym meets go, it is sad to say, but I am actually relieved that they require travel and that family doesn't usually isn't able to come. Meets are stressful enough without all that drama! So sorry that you are having to go through this.

 

[Committed]

Thanks guys, I really needed a little validation. I called my dad to make sure that he knew that we were 'planning' on seeing Mom while we were up there, and he was really understanding. Thankfully he acknowledged that I have two parents and that she would really be hurt if we didn't see her while we were up there.

On the other hand, my mom started texting me rude messages.

Unfortunately, DD really wants her grandma at her meet. So, I'm going to have to take the step to make amends. Dang it!

 

[mimi]

Domalley, my mother in law pulls that kind of stuff all the time. It is maddening! Every time there is an issue she makes it all about her. What I have had to do over the years is to be the bigger person (through gritted teeth) for the sake of my children and my husband. My hubby knows how she is, so at least it is not a source of tension between the two of us. My advice would be to do what you can to smooth things over and get her to the meet for the sake of your dd. I've learned that unfortunately, just because someone gets older doesn't mean that they are "mature" in every sense of the word. I feel for you and I know how hard it is to do with that kind of a personality type! Ugh!

 

[gymgal]

We have had to deal with this with my inlaws as well. I am so sorry you have to put up with this. We have gotten to the point of just alternating holidays and major events. But in a situation like yours where it is a travel meet and they both live in that area, I probably would just invite both and let the pieces fall as they will. It is absolutely ridiculous that full grown adults act so childish when it comes to hurt feelings. I get it. They are angry with each other but if they are going to enjoy their grandkids, they need to put it behind them. In your case, you specifically told your dad not to come and that should make it easier for your mother to go but she is now upset because you are staying with your dad? arghhh.... just nuts. again, sorry you're dealing with it.

 

[tooootsie]

So, my parents have been divorced a couple of years now. They're not very friendly with each other. In fact, I'm not even sure that I'm supposed to tell my mom where my dad lives. Anyway, they live close enough to each other, that it makes it very awkward if I'm planning on visiting one or the other.

Anyway, DD has a meet in a nearby town (to both of them). And both have expressed an interest in going to DDs meet. I told my dad not to go because I don't think he'll enjoy sitting and watching gymnastics for so long (he didn't even go to my high school graduation nor did he watch a single cheer competition or game). I truly don't think he'd be happy to be there. I did tell DD that he would like to watch the videos when we got to his house.
Then, my mom found out that we were staying with my dad and now she doesn't want to go to DDs meet because her "feelings are hurt."

Now, neither are going. I don't really care. I don't want to sit with either of them for an entire meet. However, DD was really sad when she found out grandpa wouldn't be going. I told her that it would be okay because grandma would be there. Now grandma is trying to play the "poor me" card. I was trying to plan lunch date with her to hang out before the meet when she started crying (literally) about not wanting to go. I basically just hung up the phone on her.

I can deal with their problems when it's just me that's put in the middle. I can't handle it when it effects my kids. I thought the whole point was to support DD and her gymnastics?

My dad is still single and we haven't visited him in a long time because he didn't have anywhere suitable for us to stay. In fact, he just bought a house and has been renovating quickly so that we could all stay with him when we came down for this meet. My mom has "moved on" and has been considering moving in with her boyfriend, so it's not like she's lonely.

I'm pretty mad right now, and I can't see that I am wrong, or am I just being really cold-hearted? I have zero intention of apologizing. However, if neither plan on going, I will have DD call one of them directly to ask them to come. Unfortunately, that puts me back in the middle, but I don't want her to be punished because of a family issue.

Parents. .. ugggg.. I'm sorry. Yes it is all about dd and not their drama.

 

[sce]

They both need to grow up and get a grip. This should be about their grandchild and not about them. What on earth will they do for grad, for weddings for great grand kids.

You have nothing to apologise for. Stay with whoever you want and invite whoever you want. Like for family events, you invite everyone and they just have to suck it up and get over themselves.

As a divorced person myself I am eternally bothered by parents who do not get their act together for their kids and grandkids.

Seriously, they have forgotten how to be grown-ups. They got divorced and they are putting you and your dd in the middle.

 

[my4buffaloes]

You could try explaining the position you have been put in wanting to spend time with both of them separately. That you are trying hard to balance things out. Let mom know you and your dd really want her to be there and hopefully she will come. Ugh, the things we do for family right?

 

[gymgal]

Depending on how old/mature your dd is, you may want to explain the situation to her as well. It is important for her to realize that this has nothing to do with her (and everything to do with their own bitterness.)

 

[Committed]

Depending on how old/mature your dd is, you may want to explain the situation to her as well. It is important for her to realize that this has nothing to do with her (and everything to do with their own bitterness.)

She's 7, a mature 7, but 7 nonetheless. I've tried to tell her in "kid terms", but she doesn't understand divorce. She does know that only one can go because they will both will want to sit with Mommy, but they can't without fighting.

My4buffaloes- I will most likely do this, but not tonight. She probably won't say no to DD, if she asks her directly.

 

[curlymop]

My advice is the same as when dealing with a child throwing a tantrum. Do not engage. It's an attempt at emotional manipulation, and it will only get worse if you buy into it.

My parents are not separated, but they do frequently play the hurt feelings game with me. Over the years, I've learned to detach myself from it. If they choose to be offended because I won't go along with whatever they want, then that's unfortunate, but it's their choice. Fortunately, this hasn't affected my kids yet. That would be so much harder.

I'm sorry you're dealing with that.

 

[bogwoppit]

I just moved 3000km's from mine, that solved 99% of all my issues with them.

 

[GYM0M]

I agree, they should grow up and think about how their actions are harming and limiting relationships. However, coming from a home that's been broken more than once or twice, their divorce is still 'new.' If it's any consolation, the more time that passes, the more they will be able to be in the same vicinity. After 25 years, my mom and dad are flirting with the idea of dating each other again.....Umm, can we say awkward????

 

[Flossyduck]

That's pants!
I have no time for people who sulk. I think it's just the most selfish, infuriating, passive aggressive behaviour and I agree with curlymop - it will suck you in if you engage, because their aim is to cause pain. I have similar family issues with my in-laws and a sister who is a real sulker and I've had years of it. Most of it stems from finding a way to blame someone else for their bad behaviour/decisions. When they can't see beyond their own hurt feelings and they are happy to use anyone in the way to make a point I don't think you'd be able to do the right thing whatever you try, because it's not about the children it's about them lashing out. They'll just find a new way.

These days I focus entirely on what's best for my children/family, make sure that we are hapy that we are being fair and reasonable and then communicate carefully in advance what is happening to everyone else. Oh, an I'm very careful not to make promises to the children too far in advance, because they've been let down in the past when we thought everything was agreed.

If anyone starts spitting their dummy out I let them know politely if their behaviour is affecting the children - something like 'well that's a real shame, because ******* will be very disappointed that you've decided not to come, but we respect that it's your decision'. And that's it.

I really hope you find a way for this to work for you. It's horrible.

 

[curlymop]

That's pants!
I have no time for people who sulk. I think it's just the most selfish, infuriating, passive aggressive behaviour and I agree with curlymop - it will suck you in if you engage, because their aim is to cause pain. I have similar family issues with my in-laws and a sister who is a real sulker and I've had years of it. Most of it stems from finding a way to blame someone else for their bad behaviour/decisions. When they can't see beyond their own hurt feelings and they are happy to use anyone in the way to make a point I don't think you'd be able to do the right thing whatever you try, because it's not about the children it's about them lashing out. They'll just find a new way.

These days I focus entirely on what's best for my children/family, make sure that we are hapy that we are being fair and reasonable and then communicate carefully in advance what is happening to everyone else. Oh, an I'm very careful not to make promises to the children too far in advance, because they've been let down in the past when we thought everything was agreed.

If anyone starts spitting their dummy out I let them know politely if their behaviour is affecting the children - something like 'well that's a real shame, because ******* will be very disappointed that you've decided not to come, but we respect that it's your decision'. And that's it.

I really hope you find a way for this to work for you. It's horrible.

I just had to look up the phrase "spit the dummy out", because I had never heard it before. Love it!

 

[mariposa]

Don't feel bad, you didn't do anything wrong, your mom is acting like a child. I wouldn't do anything other than tell her where the meet will me, what time, etc, that you'd love to do lunch before the meet and you and granddaughter hope to see her there. Don't give in and play her game or it will never end.

 

[pt coach]

My parents went through a really ugly divorce, but luckily it predated grand kids by 4 years or so. However, those first few years were a constant struggle as to where each holiday etc would be spent. My advice is to set definite boundaries and don't get sucked into to any drama...and don't feel compelled to explain why you are staying with one parent instead of the other. Just let them know meet time and place and let them know that their grand daughter would love to see them there. However, to end on a positive note, my parents have now moved on from the drama completely and are fantastic at co-grand parenting...they sit by each other at sporting events and other school activities...attend the birthday parties...their new spouses get a long just fine...so there is hope!