how do you stay out of tbe crazy gym mom role

[littlegirlsdream]

I was wondering how does everyone/anyone stay out of the drama/gossip of the gym. It is challenge to not get swept up in all of it . It seems like you are somehow not "involved" if you don't stand around and participate in the banter. The banter that appears nice enough on the surface but I know can and will be used against you later behind your back.

On a bigger level how do you keep focused on the big picture, your child as a whole. I ask because there seems to be such a push at my dd gym to be aggressive and push hard to the next level. If the kids cry get hurt or struggle than down comes the thunder because after all they are to be tough they are gymnasts. Keep in mind these kids are 7 to 8 years of age. I slowly find myself adopting these mentalities too because this is the atmosphere of the gym. At the heart of this is my child who I would like to not royally screw up. So I wanted to know how everyone handles remaining sane and focused on the overall well being of the child amid the crazy push until you break atmosphere.

 

[Canadian_gym_mom]

It's a challenge, and one that we ended up switching gyms for. That wasn't the only reason, by any means, but one of the contributing factors was the overall atmosphere at the gym. Gossip, gossip. What skills did Jenny get? Why is the coach working more with Betsy? On and on.

It wasn't so mauch a push to move ahead either. It was almost opposite. There were 8 girls in the group and they basically had to stay at the same skill level as the other girls, with no opportunity to move ahead. And they held them back from routines and competing until they are 9.

I have a rule about crying though. My dd would cry during conditioning all the time. Finally I said that if you are crying, it means you aren't having fun, and I am not paying all this money for you to not have fun. So either knock it off or you don't do gym. It worked.

And I don't mean crying because of an injury, I'm talking about the crying because you don't want to do the sit ups or climb the rope, etc.

And I just smile and nod when any parents start talking drama now. Then generally walk away.

 

[Natasha]

If the kids cry get hurt or struggle than down comes the thunder because after all they are to be tough they are gymnasts. Keep in mind these kids are 7 to 8 years of age. I slowly find myself adopting these mentalities too because this is the atmosphere of the gym.


Is this atmosphere coming from the coaches, the parents or both?

 

[dinkalina]

staying out of the crazy gym mom role

We actually changed gyms because of this and other issues as well. When a coach starts telling my child the coach knows best and that the coach doesn't listen to doctors, why should the child, that's when I say I've had just about enough crap. I am raising a child, not a machine or an unfeeling robot who disregards their pain. Rips are one thing, but overuse injuries are quite another. You have to take a stand - you are your child's protector and advocate. You wouldn't put up with someone screaming at your child outside of the gym or telling them to get over it if they are seriously injured, why would you let it happen in the gym? As far as the banter, it will go where you allow it to go. So many parents have this competitive mindset I just don't buy into. My child is just here to have fun and learn new skills, she isn't in competition with anyone here and neither am I. When parents start talking about team, I just don't go there and politely steer the topic to something else when the opportunity arises.

 

[bribri514]

Ooo it's tough. I'm lucky that my niece is really tough (physically, mentally). Her mom didn't live in the best neighborhood, her school is an inner city public one and she hasn't grown up with a lot of extras (my brother has made sure to provide for her every possible need though!) She's seen how hard her parents have had to work and knows that's how life is, you have to work hard. She has her chores at home and works hard. She also values things like family and time together instead of material things (she's never been bribed with new toys or anything for grades or behavior, so she wouldn't be for achievement in gym). This kind of upbringing has transferred really well into gymnastics, because she knows she has to work through the "not as fun stuff" like conditioning, but also it's easier to make it fun like competing with herself to do more situps and pretending she's trying to escape alligators when climbing the rope (yeah she's SUPER imaginative lol! she'll do well in drama someday i think!) So it's been easy for me to not get CGM like to get her to work hard in the gym, but not have to push her with skills and levels and stuff.

I didn't have the exact same upbringing. I had a single mom who worked multiple jobs to get by, but grew up in a very different area surrounded by some kids who did get spoiled. I was very lucky my mom kept me grounded and taught me the value of hard work so I understood conditioning and not fun things at gym had to get done to be able to do fun tricks and routines.

Gymnastics is the perfect opportunity to teach young girls this I think. I've been learning a lot about this stuff in my college classes for coaching and PE/health teaching (but I don't want to come off as know it all ish or condesending!) By explaining that you have to work hard in conditioning to be a good gymnast transfers into life. Show your DD how hard their favorite elite gymnast works with sit ups and rope climbing and how that makes them good at routines, that kind of thing. Be sure to focus on internal motivation, not external motivation (like you can have something special if you do good at gym).

If you focus on this you definitely avoid the CGM trap I think! You can teach your DD how to be tough and make it a life skill not just something that's important to get good at gym with. Also if the environment is toxic like this at your gym keep an eye out. It could transfer into negative coaching. You might want to talk to the HC or even look for a new gym. Good luck!

 

[littlegirlsdream]

Its the coach that brings the thunder but a few parents say you have to let it happen. They support the idea that they better just suck it up and take it. I am not talking about crying about conditioning I am talking about flying off bars and landing on head. Again they are 7 and 8. My daughter used to be a favorite but of late she is struggling. Pale tired fatigued ect. She is struggling on events she used to have down just fine. In turn she is being yelled at and punished almost constantly. Her confidence and love of the sport is shrinking.

 

[Faith]

My daughter used to be a favorite but of late she is struggling. Pale tired fatigued ect. She is struggling on events she used to have down just fine. In turn she is being yelled at and punished almost constantly. Her confidence and love of the sport is shrinking.

I think that's your answer. If she continues in this gym/atmosphere she's going to quit sooner rather than later. So talk to her- does she want to keep going? Does she think that type of coaching will get her where she wants to be (elite?) is it worth it, and will she stick at it for the result. Or does she want to have a couple of tryouts at different gyms and see if you can find one where she has more fun- If she quits because of the coaching style she isn't going to make elite anyway.

If she's pale/fatigued it's making her ill, whether stress or overtraining. So personally, if you possibly can I;d find another training environment.

 

[cher062]

I think that we all take a short stroll at some point down the crazy mom lane. It's hard not to when you are talking about you kid.

The Yelling you describe does concern me. There is a difference in being firm and in athority and Yelling. If I had a coach that yelled at my dd and she was feeling ill from it or stressed or what ever you want to call it I think I would be looking for a new gym. One of the things I ask my self now - Is my DD having fun or is she stressed out when she is goind gym. If there is no fun or there is that yelling stress on a regular basis then it's not worth it. Most of our kids won't be the next Nastia and our goals for our kids should be having a ball first, then maybe if they do it long enough maybe a college Scholarship. Try to ignore the banter of the gossip and rumor mills. Keep your reasons for her doing this in reality. WE all started in rec classes and got the bonus of making it to team. Keep that first goal of your kid having fun in your head above all else.

I think if a coach really knows what they are doing they don't need to yell other than to be heard over the other noise in the gym.

 

[Natasha]

It is VERY important that your gym fits with the philosophy you have as a parent and the goals you have for your daughter in gymnastics. If she continues in the sport, she will eventually spend way more time in the gym with her coaches than she will with you. When my dd started gymnastics & team, I had no idea that different gyms have very different philosophies and goals. It wasn't until my dd started competing that I started to realize how different the coaches are from different gyms. (I have been horrified by some things I have seen at meets and heard from other parents.) Fortunately the gym we started at is one that states openly that their primary goal is for the girls to be better people by the time they leave gymnastics. Although they do produce high level gymnasts, state winners, regional qualifiers, etc, they are upfront about the fact that is not their primary goal. THe girls are children first and gymnasts second. Life lessons are really a big thing at her gym. The coaches know about the girls as girls, not just as gymnasts. My dd's optional coach came out in the lobby just last week to specifically ask me how things were going for my dd outside of gym & how the balance is working out with school, etc.
Now, I like all parents, want my gymnast to do well at gymnastics. I love it when she shines at a meet and yes, I am proud when she wins first place (I would be lying if I said I wasn't). I want her to work hard in the gym, condition hard and do her best. BUT, for me, the life lessons she is gaining is much more important than any skill, level or 1st place award. We put in WAY too much money and time for the primary goal to be just a top level gymnast. I love that she has learned to work through fears (in a very supportive environment). I love that she has fun while working really hard. I love that she gets to experience the joy of learning new skills. I even love that she is learning to navigate all the ups and downs of getting along with a team, supporting each other, learning how to get along even when they get on each other's nerves. I love that she is learning how to communicate to her coaches what she needs from them. I love that she has learned how to deal with disappointments gracefully- how to get up and keep going after falling on the beam 2x or how to work through an injury and become stronger for it. I love that she now has the empathy to support a teammate who is struggling or had a bad meet. I love the fact that this summer she went flying with her coach in his airplane (she has always been terrified of heights and especially of fllying) because she trusts him that much.
My dd has had the benefit of all of these life lessons because she is in a place that allows her to first of all feel safe & confident. Because of the atmosphere, she has absolutley flourished. Now, if I had her in a "hard core" gym that really pushed the girls harder, was tougher on them, would she be a higher level or a state champion?? I don't know, and frankly I don't care. It's not worth the potential risk of loosing all the other benefits.
I hope you can find a gym that fits with YOUR philosophy and goals.

 

[GymnastJoy]

From what you're describing, to me this does not seem like a CGM situation but an overall gym philosophy. CGMs can say what they want and mother their own children any way they see fit. But your dd seems to be affected (physically, emotionally) by coaching practices in the gym. We have our share of CGMs but they do not impact how coaching is conducted (ie no yelling) or who is a favorite on the team. If it were my dd, I'd watch practice to see first-hand exactly what is going on and determine if this is a good fit. I sincerely hope that you can come to a resolution that renews your dd's passion for gymnastics.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

keep it simple. support your daughter and the program. those 2 components will guide your compass.

 

[bogwoppit]

Its the coach that brings the thunder but a few parents say you have to let it happen. They support the idea that they better just suck it up and take it. I am not talking about crying about conditioning I am talking about flying off bars and landing on head. Again they are 7 and 8. My daughter used to be a favorite but of late she is struggling. Pale tired fatigued ect. She is struggling on events she used to have down just fine. In turn she is being yelled at and punished almost constantly. Her confidence and love of the sport is shrinking.

This a whole lot of red flags waving in the air. Playing favourites, dangerous coaching practices (kids should not be falling on their heads without that being followed up by a doctors visit). They are little kids and at their age gym should still be fun, the really hard work shouldn't come until a little ways further down the road.

Yelling and punishment are not words I would associate with a 7 years olds after school activity.

DO you have other gym options?

 

[Deleted member D3987]

and i looked at the 2nd post. sorry i missed that. i would like to add that the coach IS the one responsible for bringing the "thunder" when it is needed. but the coach is also responsible for the "rain" that is needed to cleanse the situation so that the kids know that the coach is their advocate and will support them when things go bad also. And the coach is also responsible for the "sunshine" that must follow the "thunder" and the "rain" so that the kids have hope for themselves and that the sunshine means a new day. that no matter what, the sun will shine the next day. kids have to be reminded of this fact just for normal life.
i'm sorry to have to use what looks like silly euphemisms but they seemed to make sense as it applies here and how they relate to kids. and the i saw Bog's post, and looked back at Little's post, and see that i missed that the child was 7.

and you probably know what i'm going to say...





she's only 7....

 

[my4buffaloes]

On the flip side, maybe she isn't doing well because she is ill. I would investigate health issues as a result of being pale, tired, and ill. BUT being in a yelling environment is not healthy.

To avoid the gym-mom drama I try to stay out of the gym. Lately with 2 girls there I have been staying more to avoid a drive home (30 minutes each way) and work on my laptop while I am there. But I notice it is so much easier to get involved in the drama and gossip when I am there and this is something I really do try to stay out of, but when people are talking to me it automatically makes me involved even if I am not really saying anything back. I feel like I can't win. I have started going to the local library or Starbucks to work instead. I really do like watching gymnastics in general and of course my daughters, so it can be hard to find a way to stay and watch and not talk to anyone else, but sometimes I feel that is the way it has to be because I don't want to get involved.

 

[NGL780309]

I think a lot of the craziness at gyms will never go away. It's just the way it is. I try to just keep to myself as much as possible and not gossip with others and not comment on other kids unless I'm saying something nice directly to that child's parent. And even then I try to be careful because I personally get sick of people commenting on my kid. I feel like there are a group of parents that just sit there and watch the other kids like a hawk. Sometimes I don't want to hear someone talking about my child, good or bad. I just want to sit in silence and do my own thing.

Over the summer the groups of parents seemed to be pretty relaxed and nice. I thought perhaps I had misjudged some of the crazy parents. Um, no. Season starts and the crazy came back.

 

[drivingmom]

The less I am in the gym the better! Talking with other parents just leads to some type conversation I just don't care to have. Plus practice is practice. When I use to watch I would drive myself crazy waiting for her to get a new skill (and probably my DD as well). She is their to practice over and over and over. Not to say I don't catch 15 minutes here and there, but I sure don't sit down to watch anyomre. When see my girls at meets it's exciting to see how far they have come.

Support, support and support her some more!

 

[mariposa]

As to gym drama and staying away from it, I don't talk to other parents much, especially the ones that I know like to be "in the know", always stay and have comments on how practice went, negative, etc. It does sometimes cause me to miss out on the nice parents and I do try to talk to them when they aren't hanging out with the crazy ones. For the most part, I just drop and go or sit far away from any of the drama mamas.

On the more serious concern about your daughter, I see big red flags. She is 7 years old. Gymnastics should be fun. Sure, expectations can be high, but the coaching should be POSITIVE. I took my daughter at age 6 from her first gym to a different one and we have never looked back. Negative coaching does not work with my daughter. I wouldn't let anyone else treat her like that, why a coach?!? Follow your gut, if you feel something is not right, it probably isn't. Trust your instincts. I have said it before and I will say it again, I would rather my child have to quit gymnastics than leave her in a program where she was mistreated. This is a sport, not worth my child losing her self worth over, no matter how much she loves it. Good luck. I would take my kid and run to another gym.

 

[gasrgoose]

I agree with alot that has been said, especially not spending too much time watching your daughter practice. With that said I really enjoy watching gymnastics, even practice. I probably watch a total of 3-4 hours of my daughters 16-18 hours a week. So I try to spend a good portion of my time in the gym wathcing other girls. I pick a few favorites at various levels, mostly optional girls, and watch them progress. It does a couple of things for me; 1. teaches me about how slowly some girls progress on certain skills. 2. gives me some gymnastics info to talk to my daughter about, other than how many xxxxx's did you get today. I can say " wow Jamie is really progressing I saw her new front tumbling sequence today and it was awesome" Usually then my daughter says, " you should see Tori on bars do a xxxx ". Definately helps her have a Team attitude. 3. Keeps me grounded and realistic about my daughters ability. Most people (me included) think their daughter is amazing a will easily earn that coveted college scholarship or go elite. But there is nothing as humbling as watching the level 9's and level 10's. Then realizing that your daughter is struggling with her straddle jump on floor while a level 9 girl is struggling with her switch leap, straddle jump (with a halk twist) sequence on BEAM.

I also try to not talk with the other parents until the girls are on there way out of the gym. It keeps conversations short and positive. But speaking also it keeps me from looking like the unsociable parent who never speaks. I'm not always successful though. I was watching lat night and another parent who is a friend sat down next to me. We talked gymnastics a little but I always bring up my other kids if the talk turns negative..... or at least i try

 

[LMV]

My daughter used to be a favorite but of late she is struggling. Pale tired fatigued ect. She is struggling on events she used to have down just fine. In turn she is being yelled at and punished almost constantly. Her confidence and love of the sport is shrinking.

*This makes me think she needs to be evaluated by her pediatrician at least once. Someone else offered that stress can lead to physical illness and it certainly can. I also think that overtraining fatigue is more likely when there is a lot of background stress both because the stress interferes with proper recovery and also because there are some people who have brains that are wired in a way that compulsive exercise [past a point of appropriate training] becomes mentally soothing. I don’t think this is something limited to gymnastics but I can see how for a child with the wrong genetic makeup, a hardcore gym that was a bit over the top with conditioning expectations might just create the perfect storm. Overtraining in any form often creates a vicious cycle because performances suffer which often inspires increased training which just breaks the body down further. Nutritional inadequacy can play a role with this and can sometimes be a bit insidious especially as a child may be entering into a rapid growth phase or may have a diet that contains adequate total energy [ie. calories] but inadequate amounts of specific nutrients [fat, protein, and iron are common culprits for athletes]. Additionally, if the gym culture is one where safety is sometimes overlooked [I realize that injuries happen but if kids routinely fall on their heads that is something else] and injuries are not tolerated it is possible that she has sustained some injury that she really just needs to take some time to heal. Statistically a lot of concussions in kids get mismanaged or just missed altogether because proper medical attention is never sought [in general falls from greater than the child‘s height warrant special attention as well as any injury which led to any cognitive decline or loss of consciousness]. Unfortunately, another concussive hit within a short time frame does often have a greater than cumulative effect and sometimes devastating consequences. Finally, sadly, gymnasts do sometimes end up with the tragic illnesses so a visit to the pediatrician is probably the best option. I hope everything checks out alright and she is feeling better soon.

 

[gymgal]

as other have said, I think you need to evaluate if this is the right gym for your family. I wouldn't be standing by allowing a coach to treat my 7 yr old like that. My 11 yr old? maybe - if it's done with love and trust but my 11 yr old is in it for the long haul and sometimes you need some tough love to get over things. but again, it depends on what developmental stage the child is in and what you all want out of gymnastics at this point in time....

as for the CGM banter - I admit, I get caught up in it more than I'd like. After watching some "dance mom" shows, I vowed I'd be better about it this season and I am trying. I try to stay out of the gym as much as possible, coming only for the last 15min. But that's hard because I love watching the girls - not just mine - it's great to see their routines and progress. No matter what, I think it's important to always keep it positive. Some moms have a tendency to focus on the negatives of their own child (me included sometimes) but as a group, we try to turn it around and see the positives. And when one mom makes an out of line comment, someone usually follows it up with something more positive or a surprised (I can't believe you just said that!) look. Seriously, it only takes a couple people banding together, staying positive to change the overall feel of the group.