Parents How to know when to let her quit

[lilymom]

This is long...I'm sorry...trying to process.
My daughter has been doing gymnastics since she was 3, team since 5 (she is almost 10 now)
She has said many times over the last couple years that she wanted to quit and we've had her stick through the season and she usually changed her mind.
At the end of last season, she was firm that she wanted to quit and so we left the gym we were at. After a few weeks, she asked if we could join a less intense, closer to home program (her other gym was very tough and 45 mins away) and so we did.
That gym closed down in Oct and we went to another local gym. Then, she hurt her ankle at the end of Nov, missed her first 2 meets because of it, and now has a lot of fear doing skills she already had.
Now, after a week break for the holidays, she is insisting she does not want to go back. She says her heart doesn't love it anymore and can we please just let her let it go.
What do we do? We are mid season, at a new gym. She is repeating a level (new gym doesn't have 6, where she should have been) so she has the skills already but she has no desire to continue or to push through the fear (she insists the fear has nothing to do with her wanting to be done).
I want to say stick out the season but then I think, why? Why make her do something she doesnt love, put the time, energy, money into it. But how do I know for sure she wont want to come back to it in a few weeks or months? I told her she had to be sure because coming back would be very difficult. I also told her she needs to talk to her coaches with me to tell them...she is not happy about that.
I'm not even totally sure what I'm asking...just some advice. It's hard...gymnastics has been part of all our lives for so long I'm not really sure how to feel and I just want to make sure we make the right/best decision for my girl.
Thanks

 

[2gymkids]

We are having the EXACT same discussions in our house. The only difference is the request to quit only started two weeks ago instead of being on and off over the course of years, and while she had been struggling up until that point with some fears, she had a pretty positive attitude about it.
We've decided she will stick it out for the rest of the season, which is only two more months...but we made that decision based on the fact that she just started asking (fears have been compounding and spreading to other events), and because she is a kid whose first impulse is to give up when things get hard (it's never been that way at gym until now but in everything else). We've told her several times that we don't care how she does or even if she ultimately gets the skills back, but that we expect her to go in and give it her best shot for the last two months. It's tough, though, really hard to know if that is the right answer. Why am I sending a kid in tears who doesn't believe in herself into practice? No matter how many speeches I give her about having a positive attitude and setting small goals each day, she's a mess. So, I guess I'm just commiserating. If I were in your shoes I may ask her to give it a week or two (coming back after the holidays is always tough) and then decide if she can stick out the season or not. But, there's just no easy answer.

 

[John]

My DD would be asked to work hard to the end of the season, she signed a contract.

 

[raenndrops]

Normally, I am in the "finish out the season" camp.
But I have a few questions in this case:
1. Have you already paid for meets for the rest of the season? If so, is it too late to get a refund?
2. Do you have a contract stating that you have to pay through the end of the season even if she quits?
3. How many hours a week is she practicing?
4. How many meets are left? When does the season end?
5. Does she have a plan to replace gymnastics with something else? You don't want her just vegging out all the time.

 

[Gymmommy71]

If the gym you are with will just let her stop w/o having to pay a significant amount of future money, I say let her quit. Our gym would not be so financially forgiving this late in the game - even when injured...so a ton of our girls/families who decide they want out mid-year usually stick it out to the end and leave after states.

If she’s articulating stuff like “my heart isn’t in it” as young as 11 she must be sincere IMO. Usually those types of words don’t come out till they are teens. Plus 11 is young enough that she still could come back, and if she does it will be of her own chosing and she’ll be much more engaged. The phrase “if you love something let it free, if it comes back it was meant to be” always comes to mind when I hear of stories of kids wanting to quit gym. If she is really meant to do gym, the time off will be better for her than her being forced to stick with it. Since she started at such a young age, she never really chose gym, the time off will give her a chance to do that...(or not).

 

[mls529]

Until I had a daughter in a similar situation, I was 100% in the "finish the season" camp. But having experienced this myself, I have changed my tune.
I would let her quit as long as she personally told her coaches and teammates. For my DD, telling the coaches was a very big deal for her. Once she mustered the courage to go make her announcement, I knew it was really the right decision. My DD ended up moving to a lower intensity program and is going strong again (despite an injury and some fears to overcome). But I personally witnessed the anguish and heartbreak she went through when she didn't want to go to practice, and I could not imagine doing that for many months or forcing an emotional 10 year old to compete in a meet. Other posters make good points about ensure the plan B is in place (what are you going to do with the newfound time...sitting around on the iPad is not an option). Much luck to you - it is a tough situation.

 

[lilymom]

Normally, I am in the "finish out the season" camp.
But I have a few questions in this case:
1. Have you already paid for meets for the rest of the season? If so, is it too late to get a refund?
2. Do you have a contract stating that you have to pay through the end of the season even if she quits?
3. How many hours a week is she practicing?
4. How many meets are left? When does the season end?
5. Does she have a plan to replace gymnastics with something else? You don't want her just vegging out all the time.

Normally, I'm in that camp too.

We are in a but of a strange situation because we joined this gym late due to our old gym shutting down suddenly. Because of that, I'm due to make our final meet and coaches fee payment today. I still intend on paying it and leave it to the owner to decide if we can get any of it back. We did commit after all. I don't know if it's too late to get refunds on any ofbour remaining 3 + states meets.

I don't believe we have a contract but I'll check back through everything. I am assuming I will lose all money but hopefully won't have to pay for tuition going forward.

She practices 16 hours a week.

There are 3 meets plus state left. She missed 2 because of her injury and 2 because we joined too late so she hasn't competed with this gym ever.

She has a lot she says she wants to do but i have a feeling we will ve trying out nothings for a bit till she finds her new love. Def she will not be allowed to just sit around.
We are also moving at the end of the month so that adds an extra level of stress to this whole situation.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

My DD would be asked to work hard to the end of the season, she signed a contract.

We didn’t sign a contract. So we wouldn’t have much of a financial impact. A couple weeks of practice costs and 2 meets already paid for.

JMO

Gymnastics is a difficult sport and if a child really doesn’t want to be there not only are you wasting money by forcing them to go when they just won’t put their effort into the time there. But they can get seriously hurt because they don’t want to be there and do something because they have to because a parent says so.

To the OP

Normally I’m a wait until the end of season parent. With some caveats. They are young. Haven’t done whatever it is for long.

And I don’t know your child. I’m pretty in tune to my kid. So I would know when she was really done. Rather then just needing a few days off.

At 10 and having done it for a number of years and in different environments I would let her quit, after having a group discussion with her coaches. Perhaps they can give her ideas to work through her obstacles from a BTDT perspective. Come up with a game plan. I would then set a time limit everyone agrees on to give the game plan a chance and for her to make a decision.

And if she does quit, she may in-fact decide she wanted to do gymnastics again. So before I let her quit. I would spell out what the conditions of a comeback would be. I would let her have one more well defined comeback. Because I’m a eyes wide open, and set expectations person. (Again I don’t know your situation and I don’t know if you had a this is the last time discussion).We would set mutually agreeable conditions and say that’s that.

If you are really of the mind she continues or is forever done. She needs to know that. Before you even pow wow. With the coaches and again, set a timeline that she has bought into and be done.

Good luck.

 

[lilymom]

If the gym you are with will just let her stop w/o having to pay a significant amount of future money, I say let her quit. Our gym would not be so financially forgiving this late in the game - even when injured...so a ton of our girls/families who decide they want out mid-year usually stick it out to the end and leave after states.

If she’s articulating stuff like “my heart isn’t in it” as young as 11 she must be sincere IMO. Usually those types of words don’t come out till they are teens. Plus 11 is young enough that she still could come back, and if she does it will be of her own chosing and she’ll be much more engaged. The phrase “if you love something let it free, if it comes back it was meant to be” always comes to mind when I hear of stories of kids wanting to quit gym. If she is really meant to do gym, the time off will be better for her than her being forced to stick with it. Since she started at such a young age, she never really chose gym, the time off will give her a chance to do that...(or not).

Right? That's what gets me...she is 9 and saying some pretty mature things. She said it's like eating her fave food every day for years...she is just sick of it. That helped me see it from her perspective. I don't want her to feel like this is a job...she is a kid, she should be having fun! If I let her leave, then she feels heard, and I dont want to force her and end up making represent the sport and me.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

Other posters make good points about ensure the plan B is in place (what are you going to do with the newfound time...sitting around on the iPad is not an option). Much luck to you - it is a tough situation.

Ant totally this.

 

[lilymom]

We are having the EXACT same discussions in our house. The only difference is the request to quit only started two weeks ago instead of being on and off over the course of years, and while she had been struggling up until that point with some fears, she had a pretty positive attitude about it.
We've decided she will stick it out for the rest of the season, which is only two more months...but we made that decision based on the fact that she just started asking (fears have been compounding and spreading to other events), and because she is a kid whose first impulse is to give up when things get hard (it's never been that way at gym until now but in everything else). We've told her several times that we don't care how she does or even if she ultimately gets the skills back, but that we expect her to go in and give it her best shot for the last two months. It's tough, though, really hard to know if that is the right answer. Why am I sending a kid in tears who doesn't believe in herself into practice? No matter how many speeches I give her about having a positive attitude and setting small goals each day, she's a mess. So, I guess I'm just commiserating. If I were in your shoes I may ask her to give it a week or two (coming back after the holidays is always tough) and then decide if she can stick out the season or not. But, there's just no easy answer.

I feel for you. We went through that too and she ultimately decided to stay, but now we are back here deciding again. I hope yours finds her happy spot again!

 

[l.c.o]

My DD has had a few rough patches where she vocalized a desire to quit. Both times we asked her to wait for “xx” and reevaluate (wait until end of season, to get over a specific fear, heal from an injury, etc) and each time she has rebounded and wanted to stay within a month or so.

Now we’re more flexible. If DD wanted to quit tomorrow, I’m pretty sure we’d let her, despite it being the start of season and meet fees, etc being paid for. I figure she’s 13 and understands the choice. And I know she loves her teammates so much, and loves the fitness so much that to truly say she’s done would mean she’s given it a lot of thought and must have a good reason.

 

[rjb123]

If this was rec soccer or softball or even cheer or something that RELIED on her being there for the team, I would ask her to finish the season. Gymnastics is not that way. it is an individual sport and it demands FAR more time than any soccer team does. So if she is done, then she is done. I would not force my kid to go to gym 20 plus hours a week and be miserable. AND her being there and miserable is a safety risk and takes time from the kids who do want to be there.

 

[tpMom]

You know, I read your post, came up with an opinion, and then I read some of the responses and I think I've changed my mind. One commenter mentioned that they were pretty in tune with their kid, so if she wanted to be done they would know. I've been thinking about this comment for a while, and I think, based on your original post, that you might be in the same place. You mentioned that she's asked to quit before - but you knew your daughter and your knew her tendancies and you encouraged her to stick it out and it worked out well. It sounds to me like you still know your daughter, but something else is different. Maybe it's the way that she's asking to quit, maybe it' the intensity of her feelings, maybe it's something at the new gym, but my guess is that you are still in tune with your daughter, and you are feeling whatever the difference is. I wonder if maybe you are asking about letting her quit because you already know it's ultimately the right choice for your daughter but it's SUCH a tough decision to make? I like a lot of the recommendations here - I think if I were me I would let her quit midseason on several conditions -
1. She tells her coaches herself
2. She understands under what conditions she might be allowed back in the gym - I think this would have to be really clear. I would set an amount of time she HAS to take a break from gymanstics - maybe 6 months - before she's allowed to change her mind again. Then I would also require some other commitments from her to show that she really did want to go back - like being willing to do extra chores to help pay for classes or being willing to take a rec class intially to see if the gym is the correct place for her... or whatever works for your family.
3. She has a back-up plan in place. Maybe she needs a break from everything, I think a couple of weeks of down time won't hurt a child that is truly burnt out from gym, but she would need some kind of replacement, whether that was another sport or a new activity like drama or chess or whatever she was interested in.

 

[duyetanh]

You know, I read your post, came up with an opinion, and then I read some of the responses and I think I've changed my mind. One commenter mentioned that they were pretty in tune with their kid, so if she wanted to be done they would know. I've been thinking about this comment for a while, and I think, based on your original post, that you might be in the same place. You mentioned that she's asked to quit before - but you knew your daughter and your knew her tendancies and you encouraged her to stick it out and it worked out well. It sounds to me like you still know your daughter, but something else is different. Maybe it's the way that she's asking to quit, maybe it' the intensity of her feelings, maybe it's something at the new gym, but my guess is that you are still in tune with your daughter, and you are feeling whatever the difference is. I wonder if maybe you are asking about letting her quit because you already know it's ultimately the right choice for your daughter but it's SUCH a tough decision to make? I like a lot of the recommendations here - I think if I were me I would let her quit midseason on several conditions -
1. She tells her coaches herself
2. She understands under what conditions she might be allowed back in the gym - I think this would have to be really clear. I would set an amount of time she HAS to take a break from gymanstics - maybe 6 months - before she's allowed to change her mind again. Then I would also require some other commitments from her to show that she really did want to go back - like being willing to do extra chores to help pay for classes or being willing to take a rec class intially to see if the gym is the correct place for her... or whatever works for your family.
3. She has a back-up plan in place. Maybe she needs a break from everything, I think a couple of weeks of down time won't hurt a child that is truly burnt out from gym, but she would need some kind of replacement, whether that was another sport or a new activity like drama or chess or whatever she was interested in.

Love this post, and especially believe in #3. Quitting gym to go to the mall, socialize 24/7 with friends during old "gym time" either via real life or social media would NOT be an option for us.

I think it is awesome that you know your kid that well. I also think that when your kid is at a higher level and the desire to continue the sport is not there, that there is a much bigger risk for injury. When the heart isn't in it, the head isn't in it....and honestly? That is pretty damn scary. I don't know what level your child is, but I am betting it is higher than level 4. Once the flips start, I feel like the intensity goes up big time....and a gymnast HAS to be in the game. It's just too dangerous for them not to be....and it's very worrisome for a coach, I am sure! I am sure there are amazing coaches out there who are able to turn the kids around....which brings me to the question that might have already been answered: Do the current coaches know what is going on and how are they handling it? If this was answered above, I apologize.

 

[Mamabear123]

I would have her stick it out until you move, mainly just as an end date that she can set her sights on.

 

[Dr Maleficent]

My daughter left at 9, and my son left at 12. My son stuck out the year under difficult circumstances - he chose to do that - I wouldn't have made him do it. My dd was essentially given no choice by the coach - she developed a fear and the coach told her to get over it or quit. She tried for a couple of months but with no support from the coach regarding the fear, she stopped. I think whether you encourage them to go on a little longer depends on them and you - both mine were encouraged but it got to the point were it was obvious that gym was making them more unhappy than happy.

I think you know when they are done. My conditions were not that they had to tell the coach themselves - I think this could be cruel - for both of mine it was a very emotional decision, and they were distressed and afraid of what the coaches would say, probably with good reason. I did however make it clear that gym would be replaced by another activity and under no circumstances was tv watching or video game playing going to fill any of the old gym time!

There are other sports out there. Mine are now doing RG and trampoline and are so much happier.

Good luck to your dd with whatever she decides. You know her and she knows her, listen to you both and you will make the right decision together.

 

[gymdog]

My opinion, best option at this point if you want her to stick it out or try to use meet fees or tuition is to see if switching to Xcel Gold or Platinum (if your gym has it) would be best. She may find that to be helpful where she can work around fears and keep progressing on the other areas. That may give her the confidence to work through the fears. She may not want to try at first because it's new or different but I would ask her to try it (if the gym will give the option, hopefully they would).

 

[John]

My opinion, best option at this point if you want her to stick it out or try to use meet fees or tuition is to see if switching to Xcel Gold or Platinum (if your gym has it) would be best. She may find that to be helpful where she can work around fears and keep progressing on the other areas. That may give her the confidence to work through the fears. She may not want to try at first because it's new or different but I would ask her to try it (if the gym will give the option, hopefully they would).

I was thinking the same, @gymdog is a coach, and other coaches, and would probably have a grasp on what is the cause of gymnast retirement. I have not been involved upper-level gymnastics for a long period of time but I did watch an entire team of potential level 8 quit this summer, 8 girls. During this process, I thought to myself that it seemed to start with fears and blocks. When the fear and blocks could not be overcome the summer ended with retirement.

You seem to have a good understanding of your DD, do you think you know what the issue truly is? I hope when the time comes I have a grasp on my DD.