Parents If you knew then what you know now....

[PandallKip]

Hindsight is 20/20.

If her experience has taught her anything, it has made her learn at an early age that there are some nasty people out there who will use you and tear you down but for every one of those; there are more absolutely wonderful giving people. She's learning to trust her gut.

She still loves the sport and I have to give her a lot of credit.

I have learned that my daughter is a strong young woman and I am incredibly proud of what she has accomplished.

My regret (which I can't dwell on) is listening to her and not moving her out of a toxic gym when I wanted to. She cried and carried on that I would ruin her life if I made her go somewhere else. Finally I had enough and gave her an ultimatum-move or quit; she chose to move and it was the best thing for her.

Would I put her in this sport again knowing what I know? Most likely, just would have changed gyms sooner.

 

[raenndrops]

This post is very disheartening. So many say they would rather their kids do another sport but I wonder if the kids of these parents feel the same? Did their kids always have a love for soley gymnastics or did they enjoy other activities but ended up focusing in gymnastics for one reason or another.

OG loved gymnastics. She has "retired" 3 times now, and just text me after Christmas because she wants to consider another comeback.
YG says she wants to quit ... when she is frustrated (this is the first season she has ever said it, but she has been on 2 "forced" breaks before) ... but then she comes to practice the next time and is talking about upgrades for next year.

 

[KipNurse]

I'm going to answer this question first with a picture:
View attachment 7467

It's my TLDR. This is what I call "The Bag of Shame." Because I'm ashamed this bag even exists, that it got to that point. This bag contains the wide variety of medications that I would send with my 12 year old when she'd go to the gym she called home-away-from-home for about 9-10 years. It contains several kinds of anti-nausea medicine, antacid, stress relief pastilles, and energy chews. She had several such bags. One for the locker, one for her bag, one for home, and I think even one in her competition bag. I thought it was "just hormones" and the long hours. That's what the doctor said. It wasn't hormones. It was the culmination of years of stress followed by about 10 months of intense stress and fear.

To answer the question directly: No. I would NEVER do this if I'd known then what I know now. I doubt I would even put her in XCEL because it would make her want more. There is something about this sport. It's like ponies and fairy tales. It's "little girl crack." It's everything a little girl could want.. float and dance like a fairy, sparkles, and friends!! Joy!!! And every 4 years, they watch as real life princess warriors - as close to it as most girls could ever hope to get these days - are paraded around on the screen in sequins and smiles.. beautiful and perfect. Then perform these amazing, magical routines.. They are iconized on posters and cereal boxes, the talk of the country. That's how it's portrayed.. how it plays out. "But look, you can be like them too! You can even wear a version of their special sparkling leo!" This sport is like a drug. I've met so many people who did gymnastics in their youth who get a far away look of longing in their eyes when recalling what it felt like.. Honestly, I've not yet met one who didn't get that look at some point in the conversation, tho I'm sure there are some who don't. This sport just gets its hooks in you and doesn't let go. It IS beautiful. It DOES look magical, but it's not, of course.

Our family can afford this sport, but we're delaying our plans for this, to keep her where she wants to be. Siblings miss out on opportunities because of this sport. My SO would love to change careers, but he can't risk the uncertainty because of this sport. I'd like to change careers, but I have to maintain my flexibility so that I can be there for her on short notice and travel with her. Family adventures and vacations didn't happen as we'd hoped because she couldn't miss gym. Her education has suffered for this sport as there are few schools that will accommodate her gym schedule. Her social skills have suffered. Constant beratement and some significant coaching errors (like saying they'd spot her but not doing it) in her first gym left her feeling small and with trust issues. And that's not even mentioning the injuries and all things that have to happen outside of gym just to keep it all going just a little bit longer.. the massages and diet choices and chiropractors and PT and special gear and and.. It's insane.

She did not learn the things people say this sport teaches you at her first gym. She didn't gain self confidence, time management skills, or a great team experience. She learned things I never wanted her to learn that I can't go into or I'll type all night and regret it in the morning. The negative outcomes (mentally, physically, and emotionally) of that first gym environment are going to take a LONG time to overcome. Her new gym is different. They are kind and supportive. They appreciate her differences, emphasize her strengths, and try to strengthen her weaknesses. But she spent years at that first place before we all got on the same page and made a change.

I've told people: Pay attention before you choose a gym. Look at the girls at the highest levels. Rec parents of little kids and parents of younger team girls, you can see it most easily in those morning practices. Look at those girls. Are there dark circles under their eyes? When they smile, does it look like a mask? Does the light of their smile reach their eyes? Are any of them too thin? Or look pale and ill? What is the body language you see in the gym when a girl succeeds or fails? Can you see that there are favorites? How are the others treated in relationship to the favorite(s)? I'd watch during the meet season especially. How do the coaches seem to handle meet season themselves? Do they seem cross and tense? Do they take that out on the kids? At the very least, go watch a meet or two. Watch the coaches and the girls. Watch the body language. That will tell you what you need to know. But know what you are getting into. Because unless you have a gym with kind coaches who are qualified to teach at your kids level (and hopefully above), coaches who have the mental and emotional strength to be the adult in the situation.. To be all the things a coach should be.. and I'm sorry not sorry to coaches. But they have to. They are not just coaches. They are mentors, teachers, first aid givers, etc.. If you wouldn't trust the coach with all of that.. with shaping your child's mind and heart while teaching and protecting their bodies the best that they can. Look somewhere else. Another gym or another sport. Please.
I tell people this when they ask, but it changes nothing.

This subject is very sad and difficult to discuss.

Great heart-felt post. Thank you for sharing. And YES on the every 4 years parading of the sequined princess warriors.

 

[rjb123]

I am not sure that I would do it again. And it makes me SO sad to even type this. This sport is just too much. In every way possible. And when the pp described it as little girl crack I nodded in agreement. It is. My DD loves it. Too much. I look at her and think that here is this kid who is super athletic and smart and could really excel in a ton of other sports and yet she spends her life in this gym. I am just worn out by it. By the tears shed when she gets in the car. From watching that even excellent coaches still have the favorites, the "special" kids who get the extra help and time without asking. By the yearly surprise (always the surprise!) when my kid does well and exceeds expectations (because at 8 I was informed that she shouldn't compare herself to the other girls- she didn't have their potential). Her gym and coaches are kind people, they care about the girls, but there are a ton of them, all exceptional and it is easy for her to get lost in the shuffle. Her close friends all quit years ago around level 7-8 and she is training with kids who have been close and together for years (and are older as well). They are nice, but she is defiantly on the outside looking in as far as the group goes. I am just over all of it. It isn't worth it to me. When I think about the lost time, the vacations that we don't do (simply because of the scheduling!!) and the constant pep talks I just hate it. I have two other kids in competitive sports and I can tell you it is nowhere NEAR the same. And yet she loves it. Even while sobbing in the car over her single bar release (the latest of my headaches and pep talks is f-ing bars) she loves this stupid sport and won't stop. Gymnastics sunk its claws in her when she was 5 and won't let her go. I just don't understand why (how?) it matters SO much to her. Heck, I don't even think her coaches *get* how much it matters to her. We can afford it, and the environment is as healthy as I could hope for, so she continues on. I pray every day that I am making the right choice, that I am not failing her as a parent by letting her do this.

 

[RTT2]

I am not sure that I would do it again. And it makes me SO sad to even type this. This sport is just too much. In every way possible. And when the pp described it as little girl crack I nodded in agreement. It is. My DD loves it. Too much. I look at her and think that here is this kid who is super athletic and smart and could really excel in a ton of other sports and yet she spends her life in this gym. I am just worn out by it. By the tears shed when she gets in the car. From watching that even excellent coaches still have the favorites, the "special" kids who get the extra help and time without asking. By the yearly surprise (always the surprise!) when my kid does well and exceeds expectations (because at 8 I was informed that she shouldn't compare herself to the other girls- she didn't have their potential). Her gym and coaches are kind people, they care about the girls, but there are a ton of them, all exceptional and it is easy for her to get lost in the shuffle. Her close friends all quit years ago around level 7-8 and she is training with kids who have been close and together for years (and are older as well). They are nice, but she is defiantly on the outside looking in as far as the group goes. I am just over all of it. It isn't worth it to me. When I think about the lost time, the vacations that we don't do (simply because of the scheduling!!) and the constant pep talks I just hate it. I have two other kids in competitive sports and I can tell you it is nowhere NEAR the same. And yet she loves it. Even while sobbing in the car over her single bar release (the latest of my headaches and pep talks is f-ing bars) she loves this stupid sport and won't stop. Gymnastics sunk its claws in her when she was 5 and won't let her go. I just don't understand why (how?) it matters SO much to her. Heck, I don't even think her coaches *get* how much it matters to her. We can afford it, and the environment is as healthy as I could hope for, so she continues on. I pray every day that I am making the right choice, that I am not failing her as a parent by letting her do this.

I really appreciate the time and thoughtfulness that has gone into so many of these responses. You sound like a fantastic mom- whether gymnastics feels "worth it" in the end is still up in the air, but I have no doubt she will always remember how much you supported her.

 

[Cheryl]

If anyone had told me when my son started gymnastics lessons at the advanced age of 7, that 6 years later, he would be practicing 16 hours a week, I would be driving him a half hour each way to get him to practice, I would be planning vacations around gym schedules (after buying a Caribbean timeshare that I can almost never use), and paying over 10k a year for a sport, I would have howled with laughter and said that’s crazy, who does that?
And that crazy person is me. I don’t push, I don’t get too involved, and I think that’s led to him still loving it and has given him many skills that can’t be taught, like resilience, accountability and the importance of effort. If he wants to quit, it will be his decision. But as of now, he’s the one getting me out of the door so he gets to practice on time, he’s the one who after time off for break told me “it will feel good again to be sore”. Barely any of his school friends know how much time and effort he devotes to his sport, he doesn’t discuss it. It’s something private that he owns and I think it will make him a better man.

 

[Rockygym]

Ugh in tears reading all this ninhave two in the sport one daughter x 5 years and son for 3 and honestly I get closer to no everyday. Mental blocks, stress, too much time and too much money. The fun for me is just fizzling

 

[tomtnt]

Sounds like my DD and her bars/release.

I am not sure that I would do it again. And it makes me SO sad to even type this. This sport is just too much. In every way possible. And when the pp described it as little girl crack I nodded in agreement. It is. My DD loves it. Too much. I look at her and think that here is this kid who is super athletic and smart and could really excel in a ton of other sports and yet she spends her life in this gym. I am just worn out by it. By the tears shed when she gets in the car. From watching that even excellent coaches still have the favorites, the "special" kids who get the extra help and time without asking. By the yearly surprise (always the surprise!) when my kid does well and exceeds expectations (because at 8 I was informed that she shouldn't compare herself to the other girls- she didn't have their potential). Her gym and coaches are kind people, they care about the girls, but there are a ton of them, all exceptional and it is easy for her to get lost in the shuffle. Her close friends all quit years ago around level 7-8 and she is training with kids who have been close and together for years (and are older as well). They are nice, but she is defiantly on the outside looking in as far as the group goes. I am just over all of it. It isn't worth it to me. When I think about the lost time, the vacations that we don't do (simply because of the scheduling!!) and the constant pep talks I just hate it. I have two other kids in competitive sports and I can tell you it is nowhere NEAR the same. And yet she loves it. Even while sobbing in the car over her single bar release (the latest of my headaches and pep talks is f-ing bars) she loves this stupid sport and won't stop. Gymnastics sunk its claws in her when she was 5 and won't let her go. I just don't understand why (how?) it matters SO much to her. Heck, I don't even think her coaches *get* how much it matters to her. We can afford it, and the environment is as healthy as I could hope for, so she continues on. I pray every day that I am making the right choice, that I am not failing her as a parent by letting her do this.

 

[rgmom]

Can you tell us what the other sport is? I'm curious.

Diving

 

[l.c.o]

No. At least I don’t think so.

It took my DD nearly two years to get up the nerve to quit the sport. She stayed in a sport when she was completely burnt out because she was afraid of letting her coaches, teammates, and parents down.

Her last six months in the gym were pretty rough on her, and she’s still not fully recovered from it.

She learned some great life lessons. Also, it did prepare well her for a new sport which she loves. That said, given her nature, she would have likely still have been active in a sport and learned many similar lessons. Perhaps in a sport with a more positive bend that allowed her more free time. Or perhaps not. No way to know.

 

[RTT2]

Interesting that the general consensus in this thread is "no". I believe the culture of gymnastics could change so that in the future there wouldn't be so many girls left damaged physically/mentally/emotionally by the sport (the posts by parents of male gymnasts are overwhelmingly positive. So far I've been very happy with the environment for my own son). It seems to me that the sport itself isn't the problem, but the culture around gymnastic is.
Is it (slowly) changing?

 

[e'smum]

nope. i have spent over $60k, best estimate, and we could have put that towards college and a vacation to hawaii.

 

[FlippinLilysMom]

If I knew then what I know now I would not have pushed so hard for her to get invited to camp...or to go the elite route. We are at our breaking point and I'm afraid that we will have to make a decision for her that we never wanted to have to do. Hoping that someday she will be able to forgive us.

 

[RTT2]

If I knew then what I know now I would not have pushed so hard for her to get invited to camp...or to go the elite route. We are at our breaking point and I'm afraid that we will have to make a decision for her that we never wanted to have to do. Hoping that someday she will be able to forgive us.

I'm sorry to hear that. I've had the sense from your posts that all was going well and am sorry to hear you are at your breaking point.

 

[gymmom21]

If I knew then what I know now I would not have pushed so hard for her to get invited to camp...or to go the elite route. We are at our breaking point and I'm afraid that we will have to make a decision for her that we never wanted to have to do. Hoping that someday she will be able to forgive us.

I'm so sorry. That has to be tough. Won't this year be the worst of it though with level 10 travel meets and elite qualifiers on top of camps. Future years wouldn't have the level 10 travel and less qualifiers I'm assuming.

 

[FlippinLilysMom]

I'm so sorry. That has to be tough. Won't this year be the worst of it though with level 10 travel meets and elite qualifiers on top of camps. Future years wouldn't have the level 10 travel and less qualifiers I'm assuming.

She's only doing 3 level 10 meets, one of which is a travel meet but it's a team travel meet where they all take the bus down together and our booster club covers that meet, all the expenses are coming with devo camp every month and all of the elite qualifier meets being travel meets.

 

[NutterButter]

If I knew then what I know now I would not have pushed so hard for her to get invited to camp...or to go the elite route. We are at our breaking point and I'm afraid that we will have to make a decision for her that we never wanted to have to do. Hoping that someday she will be able to forgive us.

I'm sorry.

 

[FlippinPrincess]

If I knew then what I know now I would not have pushed so hard for her to get invited to camp...or to go the elite route. We are at our breaking point and I'm afraid that we will have to make a decision for her that we never wanted to have to do. Hoping that someday she will be able to forgive us.

I'm sorry. That is so tough. Elite seems so far beyond what many families can accommodate both financially and time wise.

 

[luvmygymmie]

I am also on the fence. My daughter is a freshman in high school and Level 9. For the past year, she has had multiple injuries, with one resulting in knee surgery. She is seriously considering switching to diving at the end of this season because she doesn't see herself progressing much further in this sport. This sport has allowed her to be successful in diving, so for that reason I don't regret her time in the sport. The question my daughter and I both ask ourselves is-how do you know when to "retire" and pursue a different sport that is physically and emotionally less demanding and also enjoyable??

 

[CuriousCate]

If I knew then what I know now I would not have pushed so hard for her to get invited to camp...or to go the elite route. We are at our breaking point and I'm afraid that we will have to make a decision for her that we never wanted to have to do. Hoping that someday she will be able to forgive us.

I'm so sorry to hear this. I hope things manage to work out to everyone's benefit.