WAG Intervene with mean girl issue?

[gymmomtotwo]

DD is an 11 year old level 8. Her group is closeknit and does alot together socially. They range in age 11-14. The group had alot of shifting in the fall of girls that weren't going to make 8. Some are doing High School, some went to Xcel, one moved gyms. DD misses them alot. The group gets along well, but there is one girl that is being quite mean on the group chat, making rude remarks etc about girls who have left the gym, etc. She has used the word hate. She has individually texted disparaging remarks about current teammates to DD, which are views not shared by DD. DD ignores the texts. I feel she should stand up for her teammates, but she is fearful of reprisal, it has happened to her before, and she does not want to be a target. Is 11 too old for me to intervene? I am inclined to tell the coach, but maybe I should let it lie since she is not directly bulying, but taking behind people's back. Meanness just drives me crazy..... I have evidence(it is all there in back and white) and I am wondering about approaching the Mom. She is a nice lady, but I just do not know how she would react. Any opinions? I am still in the stand up for your friend camp, but goodness I remember how hard it is to be 11. I monitor the group chat and all of DD'S texts. It is the price of admission as far as I am concerned. Any meanness is created by one girl.

 

[Mish]

Ugh, I am going through similar with my 10 yo dd and some of the older girls writing mean things about some of the coaches. I told my dd not to respond to any of it and just ignore. I see some snarky remarks starting to come in about some of the girls also. Not super mean or bullying, but could have the potential to do so. I was also inclined to tell the coach, but opted to just advise my daughter to not engage in any of it.

 

[vbdb]

At this age I'd probably tell her to stay out of it and make sure she's not engaging in it herself. I definitely would not approach the other mom though, she may seem nice but lots of moms turn into mama bears when their kids are accused of something even if it's true. Our gym always prefers we go to them directly and they handle it with the parent or athlete themselves instead of us. That's what we pay them the big bucks for

 

[reluctant]

DD is an 11 year old level 8. Her group is closeknit and does alot together socially. They range in age 11-14. The group had alot of shifting in the fall of girls that weren't going to make 8. Some are doing High School, some went to Xcel, one moved gyms. DD misses them alot. The group gets along well, but there is one girl that is being quite mean on the group chat, making rude remarks etc about girls who have left the gym, etc. She has used the word hate. She has individually texted disparaging remarks about current teammates to DD, which are views not shared by DD. DD ignores the texts. I feel she should stand up for her teammates, but she is fearful of reprisal, it has happened to her before, and she does not want to be a target. Is 11 too old for me to intervene? I am inclined to tell the coach, but maybe I should let it lie since she is not directly bulying, but taking behind people's back. Meanness just drives me crazy..... I have evidence(it is all there in back and white) and I am wondering about approaching the Mom. She is a nice lady, but I just do not know how she would react. Any opinions? I am still in the stand up for your friend camp, but goodness I remember how hard it is to be 11. I monitor the group chat and all of DD'S texts. It is the price of admission as far as I am concerned. Any meanness is created by one girl.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. It won't solve the problem, but I think your daughter would benefit from getting off the group text. It is clearly making her uncomfortable.

 

[John]

I would explain to my DD how it's wrong to speak that way about people especially ones that are friends. Think about what it would feel like if it was her being the victim. I would ask my DD to think and act above that kind of behavior.

I would hope she would accept my message and as she grew and found her place I'd hope she would learn to stand up for people being bullied or hurt.

I would not speak to anyone else. I would like to know if my DD was a bully but not everyone is open to criticism.

 

[duyetanh]

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. It won't solve the problem, but I think your daughter would benefit from getting off the group text. It is clearly making her uncomfortable.

I respectfully disagree. I think its important to know whats going on with the group dynamic. She just doesnt need to chime in. I would watch it, and if it continues, I would encourage her to stand up for her beliefs.

 

[CoachAlex]

Obviously all gyms are different - as a coach I would want to be made aware of the situation as it could then be addressed generally with the parents and then the girls of that group. But I know that a lot of coaches/gyms don’t want to hear any of that - I would let your daughter be the guide on this one. She obviously knows it is wrong, and doesn’t seem to be engaging back - she knows that you know what is going on, so if she feels she does need your help she knows she can ask.

 

[rjb123]

I would take screen shots of everything questionable and save them. Tell you DD to stay on the chat if she likes but not to participate in this stuff. Continue to monitor but I wouldn't intervene yet other than screen shots. You are welcome to have your DD share that you are watching ALL of her texts etc that go out and come in. I find that when kids know an adult is watching them it cuts down on this stuff (if they are smart ). Good luck. I have been down this road before and it is no fun!

 

[M2Abi]

Our gym would want to be aware and address it.

 

[strawberries]

For life in general, I end to err on the side of non-intervention, but, speaking as a gym parent, I know how one person is all it takes to destroy a nurturing culture, and the feeling of safety and belonging in a gym. If the girls are not old enough or confrontational enough (this takes a serious level of courage), I do think it is appropriate for an adult to step in and make the coaches aware. I don’t think preserving the mind-your-own-business ideal is worth the cost to the team.

Speaking as a coach, I would really want to know.

 

[SurpriseGymMom]

As a coach, I would appreciate a heads up if there are girls being targeted that are still in the current training group.
You will likely find that the coach is already aware and keeping an eye on it. Most of the time, with this age group and above, at our gym we are trying to let the girls navigate it themselves with talks about team spirit and support added in to nudge them in the right direction.

 

[strawberries]

DD is an 11 year old level 8. Her group is closeknit and does alot together socially. They range in age 11-14. The group had alot of shifting in the fall of girls that weren't going to make 8. Some are doing High School, some went to Xcel, one moved gyms. DD misses them alot. The group gets along well, but there is one girl that is being quite mean on the group chat, making rude remarks etc about girls who have left the gym, etc. She has used the word hate. She has individually texted disparaging remarks about current teammates to DD, which are views not shared by DD. DD ignores the texts. I feel she should stand up for her teammates, but she is fearful of reprisal, it has happened to her before, and she does not want to be a target. Is 11 too old for me to intervene? I am inclined to tell the coach, but maybe I should let it lie since she is not directly bulying, but taking behind people's back. Meanness just drives me crazy..... I have evidence(it is all there in back and white) and I am wondering about approaching the Mom. She is a nice lady, but I just do not know how she would react. Any opinions? I am still in the stand up for your friend camp, but goodness I remember how hard it is to be 11. I monitor the group chat and all of DD'S texts. It is the price of admission as far as I am concerned. Any meanness is created by one girl.

The part in bold is the most concerning thing to me, that this girl has already created an environment of fear, where a closeknit group of girls will not stick up for each other out of fear of retaliation. This is more insidious than direct bullying.

 

[Really]

Kudos to you, OP, for keeping tabs on your kid's social media and knowing so much about what's going on in her peer group! My DD is 10, so close to your daughter's age, and I don't think she's too old me to intervene in these situations by any means! Hell, I don't think 17 is too old for a concerned parent to intervene!!! This article might be helpful to you: https://www.education.com/reference/article/bullying-bystander/ Let me know if you want more resources. It's a topic of great interest to me.

As for my own personal suggestions: ask your daughter how she feels about different "comeback lines" to the bully. For example, I'd probably encourage my daughter to approach the bully privately and say, "Hey, you know those texts you sent me? I didn't reply to them because they made me feel bad. Like I'm not even being a good teammate to [so-and-so] by even hearing you say those things about her. I understand you're venting/joking (it's important to acknowledge the needs that are driving the bully's behavior. Is it jealousy? desire for attention?), but do you think you could maybe find another friend to say them to? Just reading those texts put me in an awkward position. I love being part of this team, but I don't want to read that kind of stuff from you again. Thanks for understanding." Negotiate with your kid what feels comfortable and natural for her to say. If that's too direct, keep in mind it's possible to stand up for your teammates without having to directly confront the bully or to "tattle" on her to the coaches. You can encourage your daughter to be extra-kind and supportive to those teammates who are being targeted by the bully. Have your kiddo publicly comment on something positive that the target accomplished at practice. If she knows that the teammate knows the bully is saying things behind her back, she can talk to the target privately and say, "What she's saying isn't cool. I feel really bad that she said it about you, and I want you to know I don't share her opinion. You're not alone in this, and I really value you as a friend and a teammate."

As for confronting the other girl's mom, I'd do it under more extreme circumstances than what you've described (I can't tell from your OP how bad the comments are, for example). But I'd be prepared to lose that mom as a friend, and have things be really, really awkward in the gym waiting room. My personal preference would be to counsel my daughter on strategies she can use to de-escalate the bullying, because these are life skills she needs to develop.

 

[CoachAlex]

Speaking from experience coaching - yes, we catch it and usually have an idea, HOWEVER kids (especially girls) can be very good at hiding things, and if this girl isn’t being mean in person, then as a coach we may not know (unless another athlete/parent has approached us).

 

[Gymmommy71]

11-14 year olds do a lot of mean and dumb stuff. I try to keep that in perspective and not really overreact to stuff like this cause next thing you know your kid could be accused of saying or doing something mean or dumb and then you have to eat crow...

To me it doesn’t really become an issue until the drama leaks into practices or meets, and the coaches handle it poorly. Parents getting involved in the drama by taking sides and/or excluding certain kids in invites doesn’t help either.

Is this stuff causing issues at practice or meets? Or is it just in texts? If it’s just in texts, I think it’s best to ignore.

 

[duyetanh]

To play devils advocate.....
This is the age where so many girls are self conscious, and a lot of cyber bullying occurs, and even can cause such horrible occurences as suicide.
Imho i would watch, have my kid speak up, and do whatever needed to be done. I hate "what if" land.

 

[Madden3]

I am someone who absolutely closely monitors my teenager's social media use. (For the pre-teen age group, we did/do not allow any social media.) And frankly I wish more parents did the same. I know many parents think it is somehow an invasion of privacy but that is in my opinion not logical. How many lives have to be destroyed or seriously impacted by ill-advised social media communications before we learn that nothing on the internet or sent to someone's phone is ever really private? It is the first lesson about online communication a kid needs - that someone beside the intended recipient can and often will see what you post or text, and it could be out there forever.

I know most parents are loath to talk to other parents about problematic behavior in their kids. My policy on this is that if it is something I would want to know about if it were my kid, I should tell the parent. I would want to know if my kid was being mean to anyone on social media, so in this circumstance, I would tell the child's mother.

Because of this policy, I have twice had to tell other parents about something their kids were doing (not online, but things that concerned my child and my child told me.) In both cases the other parent was grateful I told them. I make it very clear I am not approaching these conversations with any judgment or "my kid is better than your kid" garbage. I know that the shoe could easily be on the other foot and I make that clear when I talk to another parent about their kid's behavior. In this case, you would not have to bring your daughter into the conversation at all, because you can explain you saw these messages because you monitor your kid's online communication.

For all you know, the mom already knows, and is not sure what to do. Or maybe she knows and does not think the messages are mean, but will see them in a different light after talking about it. It is possible the girl who is sending the mean texts is having trouble with these other girls, and is in reactive mode. No matter the situation, a kind and compassionate conversation with a rational parent should not hurt anything. If it does, then that is information you can use going forward.

Most importantly, this presents an excellent learning/reinforcement experience for your daughter about online manners and polite online conversation, which basically boils down to the same as in person manners and politeness, only MORE so, because the written word is so much more easily misconstrued. For example, I think we can all think of a way that a person could say "I hate her" that is actually funny, complementary and admiring, given the proper facial expression and tone of voice. These nuances are far harder to convey online.

 

[Redford]

What has been said before: Talk to your daughter about the topic (thouroughly) and give the coach a heads up.
Then give your kid and the other girls a chance to figure it out by themselves but keep a close eye on the situation and if it keeps going or even gets worse, intervene.
It is true that adult intervention can backlash at first but a lot of damage can be done by bullying and similar dynamics (I have found that people hesistate way to long to be so drastic as to call it bullying, just as with abuse and rape) and the longer it goes on the more it gets into the childrens heads. Please consider that you can only see what's been written in the group chat and to you daughter privately, you do not know what is going on through verbal communication between the girls. Also there can be a lot of subtle non-verbal behavior your daughter does not necessarily notice.
If you hesistate too long to intervene the kids might get the idea that adults don't care, that they're alone in this and that this kind of behaviour has no consequences and stop being open about it to you. I have a lot of experience on this unfortunatly.

Props to you though for monitoring your girls soial media and caring even it it's not directed at your daughter directly! I know a lot of parents who wouldn't bother if it doesn't concren their own child.

 

[Deleted member 14190]

Best to let the coaches deal with it, keeps everyone out of it. We have a rule with the kids, (not that we still don't have issues, that will always happen) it's "YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO NOT GET ALONG". yes it's a double negative.

 

[Midwestmommy]

Best to let the coaches deal with it, keeps everyone out of it. We have a rule with the kids, (not that we still don't have issues, that will always happen) it's "YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO NOT GET ALONG". yes it's a double negative.

The intention behind this is excellent. Be aware though that some mean girls are adept at flying under the radar of adults. My opinion is that most teachers and coaches are clueless about bullying, and indeed their “favorites” occasionally can be the worst offenders.

Think of it from one of those kids who is being targeted. They see this sign, they perceive the bully and/or their parents as fav’s of the coaches, and they think “things are already bad enough for me, if I speak up I will be perceived as a troublemaker.”

I know a real life example where in a program (not gymnastics or a sport)... two kids were horrible to the other kids. All the kids were told they were expected to be professional and get along. The mom of one of these kids ingratiated herself to the staff to the point where it was nauseating to other parents. Eventually it got so toxic that kids started leaving in large numbers... when it all came out, the staff were shocked that none of the kids or their parents came forward because of fear that their kid would be blamed somehow and would have their kids’ opportunities limited.

Also, I have seen a couple coaches in my day who are bullies themselves, and whose misguided policies of having favorites and fomenting competition in a mean-spirited way created a toxic culture.

They key to preventing bullying is creating a culture at the outset where it is considered bad behavior by the group, this takes some up front time and work and strong leadership by the adults. There are plenty of resources on bullying prevention for the classroom which would work in a gym.. I think it would pay off by creating a healthier supportive environment, Staying “out of it” is just sticking your head in the sand. Work needs to be done on creating the right culture up front and reinforcing that culture before bullying becomes a big issue.