Parents Irritated/slightly amused/astonished DRAMA ALERT

[NGL780309]

Oh, where to begin. Let me preface this by saying that this is not one of the posts where I'm going to tell you something that happenned at DD's gym so that I can glorify my own child's amazing talent and everyone can fawn over the fact that she's so amazing. Those posts irritate me. I happily brag about her wonderfulness elsewhere. And she's not really all that wonderful. She's doing great, but she's nothing special. I've seen a hundred kids on youtube who are better. To me I'm proud of her progress and I love seeing her grow and learn skills and become a beautiful little gymnast. I'm not into needing her to be the best or better than these other kids. I just want her to be the best she can be. And we must remember that this is just Level 4/5 we are talking about here. Any number of kids can be pretty good at this very beginning level and it means nothing.

Move-ups at DD's gym start tomorrow and as I previously posted, DD was moved up to the group training Level 5. I'm gym savy enough to know that not every parent would be happy about that decision, but I truly didn't expect there to be such a strong reaction. I'm getting this info secondhand from the coach, but didn't hear it myself so it might have been infused with some of the coaches opinion. While I appreciated the coach keeping me filled in, I also sort of would rather not have known. I knew enough from my own intuition and didn't need the details. I tend to like to stick to myself and not bother with the drama and I felt drawn into it.

Basically a group of parents confronted the coaches after practice with regards to my DD and another girl being moved up. They felt like there was a step by step process for moving from group to group and that my DD and this other girl had not paid their dues by going through these steps, but had just been promoted based on their potential. Um, don't you move up levels based on your ability to do the skills, not your seniority? I really do understand how it must feel for them. I'm not denying that they have a right to feel upset or jealous. I'm just astonished that they would gang up on the coaches and actually complain about it. The one mom I expected this from. She I guess often has had meltdowns with regards to her DD and her DD wasn't moved up. The other ones I'm very surprised they complained because their children were moved up and their DD's are better than mine. Why are they so worried about her? She's no threat to them. They were upset that their DD's had to compete a full year of level 4 and mine hasn't done that yet. She will compete a full season of Level 4 because she's not old enough for anything else so what's the big deal? Don't they have anything better to worry about? I honestly don't even pay attention to what other girls are doing. I'm focused on my child and what she's doing. I don't compare her to anyone else. Sure, I sometimes admire a girl who looks really great, but I don't get upset about it.

These parents are just way too involved in their kids gymnastics. They sit in the viewing area and clap for them. They jump up and down and scream when they get a new skill. Is gymnastics really that important? Be proud of them of course, but just tell them good job when you see them. The funniest part is that there is glass and their kids can't hear them, so who are they clapping for? Themselves? For attention? To make sure that the rest of us noticed that their kids just did something wonderful?

The coach told me to ignore them and that my DD and this other girl have the most potenital of any of the kids out there. While that's nice to hear, I don't necessarily believe it to be true, nor do I care. Practice is not a competition. I hate that I know these moms are sitting there and judging my child day after day. I think that's what bothers me the most. I know they are sitting there watching her and gloating when she's not getting something and hating her when she is. I'm so glad that she's not old enough to know and feel those watchful eyes.

So as my title says, I'm really irritated by these people, yet slightly amused that they really believe that gymnastics is so important and that any of it really matters in the grand scheme of things. I'm also astonished that anyone could be childish enough to really act on their jealousy.

There are many more details to this story, but I'm just so over it that I don't even feel like typing it all out.

 

[cadybearsmommy]

Ugh, I'm sorry you are going through this. I am not looking forward to the gym drama when dd gets older.....

The way I see it, your dd's coach is doing what she thinks is best for your dd and she needs to tell the parents in no uncertain terms to butt out. Your child's progress is none of their business.

Unless the parents come to you or your dd directly with their "concerns" I would just happily ignore them. Tell the coach thanks for filling you in, but you would prefer to just stay out of the drama and the politics in the gym.

If the parents actually have the nerve to say something to you, just smile sweetly and say, "DD's coach and I decide what is best for her when it comes to gymnastics, and I fail to see how anything to do with MY child is any of your business."

You just hang in there and keep watching your dd learn and have FUN. Something is seriously wrong with these other parents....it is not like it is a race to the Olympics at Level 5 for crying out loud.

I hope the drama calms dowm for you soon!

 

[lhmom]

I can understand the irritation there. That's just ridiculous to actually be complaining over this. It's just uptraining and it's not like she would've been competing in their age groups anyway, right (if she was age-eligible)? There always seem to be those parents who feel threatened when their child is not the one singled out (those who are way too heavily invested). Honestly, what does it matter? We have a girl on our team this year who moved to level 4 from a tumbling class not pre-team (HC taught her). She has done remarkably well for someone who started at the beginning of last summer and because of this, she will only do one season of level 4. She's been training level 5 skills and already has her kip and most of the tumbling skills needed. I have not heard one word of complaint from any of the parents re: this. I guess I feel very fortunate that the parents that I have come in contact with so far have been supportive of all the girls. It stinks that you are hearing this! Hopefully, things will settle down soon. Sounds like the coaches are handling it. At our gym, I can't even imagine anyone complaining about this to our HC (she's Romanian and stern-her word is law!). Good luck!

 

[NGL780309]

These parents actually don't have the nerve to say something directly to my face. Instead they act so sweet and then go stab you in the back. At least my friend who was a little bit jealous was honest about it. These parents will often tell you how your DD is doing so wonderful. It's funny to me that I pegged these parents pretty much from day 1 as those type of gym moms. It just goes to show that your first instinct is usually right.

My plan is to completely stay out of it. I don't have to sit near them if I'm at the gym and our girls won't be competing the same level most likely so it's all good. I just have to admit that I'm a little hurt by it too. What kind of people need to tear down little kids? My DD is so sweet and innocent. She's just doing what she enjoys and happens to be decent at it. She doesn't deserve this ugliness. It makes me think I should find the very, very best gym and take her their because there will be so many good kids that nobody will noitce her.

 

[MaryA]

It's like that poor HS student's post where the other team was whispering "fall" when her teammate was on the beam. You hope for your child to do well. You don't hope for others (especially not your daughter's own team-mates! especially especially not out-loud!) to do poorly! I know, in football you hope for the other team to fumble. I'm not exactly sure what makes this different, but it just is. Especially when we're talking about LITTLE girls!

 

[UnoMas]

Yeah, not cool. Although I am not shocked at the attitudes of the parents (we have some like that)...I am shocked that they would have gone to the head coach about it. That would not have worked out well at our gym. It is one thing to feel a little upset/angry/jealous/whatever about your child not doing "as well as" some other child, to actually go to the coach with something like that is another thing entirely. My advice is of course just to stay clear of the "drama mamas" if possible. Don't blame you one bit for being irritated though.

 

[lhmom]

My plan is to completely stay out of it. I don't have to sit near them if I'm at the gym and our girls won't be competing the same level most likely so it's all good. I just have to admit that I'm a little hurt by it too. What kind of people need to tear down little kids? My DD is so sweet and innocent. She's just doing what she enjoys and happens to be decent at it. She doesn't deserve this ugliness. It makes me think I should find the very, very best gym and take her their because there will be so many good kids that nobody will noitce her.

Well, that's sounds like the best plan. The coaches have handled it and it's not like you'll be attending competitions with these people next season. It's hard not to be hurt though. Good luck to your girl! I know my DD has been having fun getting to train level 5 skills right now with the older 2nd yr. 4's.

 

[lilgymmie7]

I wouldn't worry too much over it all. I know it is easier said than done. DD was in your DD's spot 2 years ago. The coaches pulled me aside when they deceided to move her to level 5 not having competed level 4 at all. They too said it could get ugly. I thanked them for informing me, and watched as some parents pulled their kids from the team. Life was rough for them and their DD's, but I wasn't going to let them bring my little DD down.
Looking at what the years has done, DD is the team's little sister now and they all pretty much look after her. I know the coaches had to smoothen out a lot of negativity brought on by the parents, but DD and I are relatively unscathed. I don't let the negativity of others bring me or DD down.
It will work out. Smile their smile and just 'move' on. Your DD is what matters and NOT the others. If it matters, you will see that 'over' involvement in any sport. DS is a wrestler and he saw it today, but again HC is rooting for him. All is well!

 

[Azgymmiemom]

That really stinks!! We are suffering some of this, too, at our gym- and concerning my dd as well...and one mom DID go to the HC, too...HC really put her in her place! I help at the front desk sometimes, so I heard the gist of it.

It reminds me of that "crab in the bucket" theory...one crab tries to scramble out, but all the rest pull it back down trying to get out, too and then none of them get out. Sounds like if their girls don't get to move up, they don't want yours to, either.

Those girls ALL work too hard for anyone to wish them to fail. Shame on them!!

 

[Bobby]

These parents actually don't have the nerve to say something directly to my face. Instead they act so sweet and then go stab you in the back. ...I just have to admit that I'm a little hurt by it too. What kind of people need to tear down little kids? My DD is so sweet and innocent. She's just doing what she enjoys and happens to be decent at it. She doesn't deserve this ugliness. It makes me think I should find the very, very best gym and take her their because there will be so many good kids that nobody will noitce her.

I doubt they're attacking your DD at all. It sounds like they just confronted the coach because it was the coach who seemed to them to not be appyling 'rules' equally to all the gymnasts and they were probably confused by what they perceived to be favouritsm.
Hopefully the coach carefully explained criteria and rationale in a way that clearly explained the coach/gyms philosophy on moving up in a way that took full responsibility for it - and made clear that you hadn't managed to sweet-talk or pay for anything special that their girls couldn't have given the same criteria.
I'm as uncomfortable as you are that the coach didn't choose to be professional and discreet in managing what was presumably a confidential complaint, but instead relayed it straight to you. What could the coach imagine you'd do with that information?? Sounds almost as if you're being set up to increase the drama.

 

[gymmom14]

Sorry you are going through this. I have been in the same boat and it all works out. The bottom line is: Coaches need to coach, gymnasts need to do gymnastics and parents need to parent. Enough said!

 

[lovofu]

Wow Wow and double wow...I'm sorry your going through this but have to point out by posting this and repeating what the coach said about your daughters potential and pointing out you "pegged" the parents from the start you are SMACK dab in the middle of it and contributing to the problem. Sitting by yourself and isolating yourself only makes the problem worse. I would sit with them and show them you are taking the high road!!

 

[gymnut1]

and clapping every achievement that every kid does always helps too. After all for some kids the round off BHS is their big achievement and for others it is the double back.

 

[mayestra12]

I'm so sorry. I have been dealing with some of the same issues. There is a mom at our gym who comments to me on my dd EVERY practice and her dd is not even on the same level. I think she thinks that my dd got moved up mid season but we actually switched gyms. It's tiring and I don't know why she cares so much. She even remembers what leos my dd has worn to practice so she has to be watching! Ugh.

My dd is the youngest on her level so I think they expect her to be amazing and I hate that she is being watched so much by other parents. Hopefully dd doesn't notice and can continue to have fun. She has enough going on already.

 

[Bajanswife]

Wow, I just don't get all this drama when it comes to moving kids around! Maybe it's because we're small, or maybe the parents have been "trained" to expect this, but at our gym girls are moved anytime during the year, to any level that is seen by the HC to be the best fit for her. One girl has been gaining skills in leaps and bounds and has been doing so well, she was moved to L4 before the rest of her group, and then moved very quickly again to L5 while her old group is now struggling with L4. I haven't detected a bit of resentment - us moms of her old training group are so thrilled for her, we cheer her on, we say tons of good things to her mom etc. I have never heard anything negative, and I'm at the gym a lot.

Having said that, in my DD's group there is one girl who struggles more than the others, and she will likely not be competition ready for L4 by our next meet in Feb, so she will have to compete L3 again. She's not even all that good at L3 (she has fear issues on bars, and she has issues with tightness and her feet pointing). I'm just being factual here - i hate to say negative things about the gymnasts. But, she's very close friends with 2 girls who are doing much better than she is, and the HC has tried to keep them together but I think the time is soon coming when she's going to have to make a decision that may not please the girls, especially the one that gets kept back. I talk to the mum of the girl who is struggling all the time, and she recognizes her daughter's issues (she brought them up - I never would have). I think the mum would be OK, but the girl will be very upset if she gets left behind. It must be hard on the gymnasts when they get separated from their friends, especially best friends that are from outside of gym as well. I fully understand that.

I also understand the mums being sympathetic to their DDs when things like that happen and wishing things could be different. But I will never understand mums getting resentful and snippy about other kids - to me that just seems like overinvolvement in the gym. I am so glad that I have only seen support for others at our gym so far - long may it last!

 

[GymGirl's Mom]

So sorry. Again, I am amazed (at my own gym too) how involved and wrapped up in gymnastics some parents get-- they need to get a hobby of their own and not live vicariously through their kids.

 

[3stars]

It's exactly things like this that make me think I'm not cut out to be a gymnastics parent. I don't understand this jealousy and feirce competition among parents on the same team. Personally, I think all the kids on our teams are awesome and I will cheer for them all. They are certainly doing things I have never done. I've even been known to cheer for kids on other teams when they pull off something great.

Good luck with that group. I hate that people act that way.

 

[NGL780309]

Wow Wow and double wow...I'm sorry your going through this but have to point out by posting this and repeating what the coach said about your daughters potential and pointing out you "pegged" the parents from the start you are SMACK dab in the middle of it and contributing to the problem. Sitting by yourself and isolating yourself only makes the problem worse. I would sit with them and show them you are taking the high road!!

I'm sorry I thought this was a place to find support for dealing with difficult situations. By posting I was looking for understanding and support.

I disagree that I'm contributing to the problem at all by stating that I pegged them from the beginning. You can't change peoples behavior. They are who they are and I knew from our first encounters that they were those types of moms. I did everything I could and was as friendly as possible. I took someone's advice here and complimented their DD's and included myself in conversations even though it's not my nature to walk up to people and just start talking. I think I'd be contributing to the problem if I were talking about it with other gym parents. I haven't done that at all. You are strangers so it's okay to vent here.

Sitting with them isn't possible. We have 2 viewing areas and the team parents have always sat in one particular spot. I joined them in this spot once made aware of what was the normal spot for team parents. They recently chose to remove themselves and sit with the rec parents. I have a small child and can't take her on those bleacher seats. I tried it one day and all I did was chase and fight with her to keep her from falling. So I'm going to sit in the normal team parent spot when there and let them do as they please.

 

[NGL780309]

I doubt they're attacking your DD at all. It sounds like they just confronted the coach because it was the coach who seemed to them to not be appyling 'rules' equally to all the gymnasts and they were probably confused by what they perceived to be favouritsm.
Hopefully the coach carefully explained criteria and rationale in a way that clearly explained the coach/gyms philosophy on moving up in a way that took full responsibility for it - and made clear that you hadn't managed to sweet-talk or pay for anything special that their girls couldn't have given the same criteria.
I'm as uncomfortable as you are that the coach didn't choose to be professional and discreet in managing what was presumably a confidential complaint, but instead relayed it straight to you. What could the coach imagine you'd do with that information?? Sounds almost as if you're being set up to increase the drama.

They were speaking about my DD specifically and criticizing her skills and they did it in the lobby for anyone there to hear. The coach called me about it because she knew I wasn't there and figured I was going to hear about it when I brought DD today. Now an entire team meeting has been called about the whole "incident". So this was not a private meeting these parents had with the coaches.

 

[lhmom]

They were speaking about my DD specifically and criticizing her skills and they did it in the lobby for anyone there to hear. The coach called me about it because she knew I wasn't there and figured I was going to hear about it when I brought DD today. Now an entire team meeting has been called about the whole "incident". So this was not a private meeting these parents had with the coaches.

Now that is completely uncalled for. Hopefully this team meeting will have the coaches making a stand about the parents' behavior by setting firm boundaries. As I mentioned in a previous post, my daughter's coaches (including the HC) are Eastern European. The HC doesn't mind hearing opinions but she has been very clear with parents that she's the coach and has the final word. We even got a handbook at the beginning of the season with a list of parent guidelines. I know that if any of our parents had done this to her in our lobby, she would've cut them off quickly especially if they were to say something about another child. Then again, knowing our HC, I can't picture any of our parents doing this. Good luck and I hope this meeting helps!