Is anyone else struggling with being on a different page than your significant other with Covid?

Mrs. Puma

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So don’t get me wrong because Puma and I have an amazing relationship, but Covid is stressful! On the “How comfortable are you feeling living with Covid-19?“ scale, with 1 being “live in a bubble” and 10 being “pandemic is over”, I’d say I’m a 4 but Puma is a 2. Most people I know in my area are probably in the 5-6 range. We are Upstate NY, so doing well here, but aren’t too far from the original epicenter, so most people here know people who have been affected first hand. I’m hoping not to rehash any debates on this thread, but how are you handling it if your significant other or close family/friends are on different pages than you? I think we all can agree that this whole thing has been super stressful....
 
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Amanda

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Thankfully my husband has mostly deferred to me. I am more cautious! We aren’t that far from each other though. However, we have lots of family and friends that are in VERY different places. It has sucked having to keep my kids home from things because I know there are minimal precautions being taken by their friends and families.
 

Mrs. Puma

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Thankfully my husband has mostly deferred to me. I am more cautious! We aren’t that far from each other though. However, we have lots of family and friends that are in VERY different places. It has sucked having to keep my kids home from things because I know there are minimal precautions being taken by their friends and families.
This has happened to us quite a bit too. It’s so hard to know what’s right :(
 
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mommyof1

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We are in the same boat. My husband and I are mostly on the same page, and where I am slightly more risk-averse he defers to me. We have many family and friends, however, who are taking far more risks than we are. Partly for selfish reasons, I am most concerned about the guardians we've chosen for our daughter. They live in one of the worst hot spots and are taking very few precautions. I really wonder whether they are deliberately trying to catch the virus and get it over with. If something were to happen to us, I am no longer sure I trust them to care for our daughter. In addition to putting her safety at risk, their lifestyle would put her at risk of being orphaned a second time. I'm tempted to revise our selection, but there really isn't a better option.

I also hate having to restrict our daughter's activities even more because I know her friends' and teammates' families are not being cautious. Small outdoor gatherings with physical distancing sound pretty safe in theory, but much less so when everyone there has been traveling and eating in restaurants.
 

cp13

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I am divorced and I am probably at a 3-4 with covid and my ex and his wife are a 1 or maybe a -10 :) It's been very difficult when it comes to moving between houses with 2 kids and one is a gymnast. I was ok taking risks in June because we had just reopened and I figured most people don't have it. Now, numbers are starting to spike and I am hearing of people locally who have tested positive. I know other families are socializing, eating out, having sleepovers, etc. and it's much riskier to send her to gym and other things right now. I hate it. I want to let the kids enjoy their activities but I am forced to time the risks based on when she is moving houses and based on the case #s. Now that numbers are spiking I am a lot less comfortable with gymnastics, which is really sad.
 
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GymDadWA

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Because of my work I have been leaving the house for a few weeks now, where my DW continues to work from home, because of this dynamic and just being out in public more often, I got comfortable with the "new norm" and am more on the 5-6 range while she is on the 2-3 range. I get daily "Covid" reports from her, and "did you hear this" or "did you hear about that...", we do find common ground on things we are in no-way comfortable with (mass gatherings of any sort), but sort of bicker on when the family bubble gets disrupted (can a family member visit, going to a store, etc.).
 

Flyaway

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I am probably a 3-4 and dh is probably a 1-2. It's been challenging in some areas because I'm more likely to want to let the kids do something he would not. For the most part we see eye to eye though. We are definitely more on the cautious end of the spectrum around here compare to others though.
 

Mrs. Puma

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Because of my work I have been leaving the house for a few weeks now, where my DW continues to work from home, because of this dynamic and just being out in public more often, I got comfortable with the "new norm" and am more on the 5-6 range while she is on the 2-3 range. I get daily "Covid" reports from her, and "did you hear this" or "did you hear about that...", we do find common ground on things we are in no-way comfortable with (mass gatherings of any sort), but sort of bicker on when the family bubble gets disrupted (can a family member visit, going to a store, etc.).
This sounds like us! I am a pharmacist, so I have been working this whole time (Still part time thankfully), but Puma is a teacher so has been home. We are both news hounds, so we are often sending each other articles. Recently I find myself not drawing certain things to his attention...o_O:oops:. Its so hard because he’s not crazy. We both weigh things risk vs benefit, but I think my risk tolerance has gotten slightly higher than his when it comes to our kids’ mental health right now. There are definitely no easy answers. Glad I’m not alone though!
 
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Flyaway

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Ditto on the not sharing certain articles with dh. I find myself asking myself, "will this cause him to become even MORE cautious?". lol.
 

Aussie_coach

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Interesting thread, and very significant. Many people have expressed concern that they are at a different place on the scale to others in their community. But the challenge of being at a different place to others in their household brings about a whole new set of challenges.

We are at an interesting place where I live. No community transmission of COVID in around 2 months in my State, schools have been open 8 weeks, the gym has been open 7 weeks, no social distancing required in sports, we can have several hundred kids in the gym at a time, no masks. It’s easy to feel like it’s over.

But our government are frequently reminding us that it is not over. All it takes is one case and people not being careful and it can blow up again.

While it seems like a good place to be in, it is tricky. It gets much harder for people to continue to follow protocols when there have been no cases for so long.
 
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MILgymFAM

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We agreed to always defer to whomever felt most cautious about a particular situation. The idea being there is no harm from more caution but potential for harm from less. Sometimes it’s him and sometimes it’s me who is lower on the scale for a particular situation.
 

acam1103

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This sounds like us! I am a pharmacist, so I have been working this whole time (Still part time thankfully), but Puma is a teacher so has been home. We are both news hounds, so we are often sending each other articles. Recently I find myself not drawing certain things to his attention...o_O:oops:. Its so hard because he’s not crazy. We both weigh things risk vs benefit, but I think my risk tolerance has gotten slightly higher than his when it comes to our kids’ mental health right now. There are definitely no easy answers. Glad I’m not alone though!
We are in the same position with opposite occupations . DH is a pharmacist and I’m a professor. He works in a hospital though and one of the ones that treats a high number of COVID patients in the buffalo area. It was really hard for a while but I waited him out until he was comfortable with them returning. I don’t have any advice really but I know exactly how it feels and it’s hard!
 
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gymgal

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DH was a lot more cautious initially because he felt if we all just bunker down, it would go away. I was a lot more realistic about it, thinking we would be living with this for the next couple of years, regardless of what we did. I think we are much more in line at this point now, around 4-7 on the scale, as he has came to terms that life had to go on and he had to be out in the world to continue with his business. I think we are in a different point in our lives too - 2 adult children and one almost an adult. I know my thinking would be different if they were much younger.
 
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skschlag

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My husband is a solid 5. Me, I fluctuate between a 3-5. I tend to be more cautious, but I can take it by situation. So some situations are a no, and others I am more lenient with. Overall, I tend to stay right around a 3. But my family is very accommodating with my needs, and really do whatever I ask of them.
 
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kendo348

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This was a great thread idea! So important and not normally discussed.

We agreed to always defer to whomever felt most cautious about a particular situation. The idea being there is no harm from more caution but potential for harm from less. Sometimes it’s him and sometimes it’s me who is lower on the scale for a particular situation.
We do this too, have for various situations for 15 years, for the reason you stated. My husband works from home now and has stayed a constant 1-2 since the last week of February. (If he had his way though we’d stay in quarantine forever because he’s even more introverted than I am and he loves this.) I started out a 2-3 and, over time (as I have to be out and about with kids for various reasons, and as the virus has become less unknown) have become more a 4-5. He generally defers to me because he doesn’t have time to track everything and trusts me to take all considerations into account and make the decision that is best on the whole for our family. In kind, I do ask for his opinion so we can discuss before taking any bigger or new risks, and he knows that I would respect his wishes if he didn’t feel comfortable with something.

Our adult friend group is more 6-7. I told them at the start that I would be standing behind my husband’s preference that we social distance. I’ve mentioned having them over outdoors a couple times to show that we want to maintain the friendships but he always says he still doesn’t want to. So, at this point we are no longer even invited to their frequent social events and I fear those relationships will be a permanent casualty of this pandemic. My marriage is vastly more important so I’m not too bothered by it, but it is sad.
 
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Mrs. Puma

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This was a great thread idea! So important and not normally discussed.



We do this too, have for various situations for 15 years, for the reason you stated. My husband works from home now and has stayed a constant 1-2 since the last week of February. (If he had his way though we’d stay in quarantine forever because he’s even more introverted than I am and he loves this.) I started out a 2-3 and, over time (as I have to be out and about with kids for various reasons, and as the virus has become less unknown) have become more a 4-5. He generally defers to me because he doesn’t have time to track everything and trusts me to take all considerations into account and make the decision that is best on the whole for our family. In kind, I do ask for his opinion so we can discuss before taking any bigger or new risks, and he knows that I would respect his wishes if he didn’t feel comfortable with something.

Our adult friend group is more 6-7. I told them at the start that I would be standing behind my husband’s preference that we social distance. I’ve mentioned having them over outdoors a couple times to show that we want to maintain the friendships but he always says he still doesn’t want to. So, at this point we are no longer even invited to their frequent social events and I fear those relationships will be a permanent casualty of this pandemic. My marriage is vastly more important so I’m not too bothered by it, but it is sad.
That is sad! I’m sorry! Except for my BIL/SIL whose mom is recovering from cancer, we are definitely the most conservative with social distancing of all our friends and family. I am very appreciative that for the most part they are understanding and don’t make us feel bad about it. On Fathers Day though, my dad was clearly irritated that we wanted to stay outside and then rolled his eyes when I didn’t want my older daughter to blow out birthday candles while they were on the cake. So uncomfortable... but I’m glad I stuck to my guns because the next morning she had a fever and felt terrible out of nowhere! It was terrifying. She has every symptom. Dry cough, said the “air felt heavy”...we had her swabbed immediately and thankfully it was not Covid. I guess it was a random virus? Which was so bizarre because she has barely seen anyone or been anywhere. But the 48 hour wait was awful.. I hope the friendships can be saved! But yes, I agree the marriage is more important. I feel so lucky to have Puma, even when we disagree.
 
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kendo348

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That is sad! I’m sorry! Except for my BIL/SIL whose mom is recovering from cancer, we are definitely the most conservative with social distancing of all our friends and family. I am very appreciative that for the most part they are understanding and don’t make us feel bad about it. On Fathers Day though, my dad was clearly irritated that we wanted to stay outside and then rolled his eyes when I didn’t want my older daughter to blow out birthday candles while they were on the cake. So uncomfortable... but I’m glad I stuck to my guns because the next morning she had a fever and felt terrible out of nowhere! It was terrifying. She has every symptom. Dry cough, said the “air felt heavy”...we had her swabbed immediately and thankfully it was not Covid. I guess it was a random virus? Which was so bizarre because she has barely seen anyone or been anywhere. But the 48 hour wait was awful.. I hope the friendships can be saved! But yes, I agree the marriage is more important. I feel so lucky to have Puma, even when we disagree.
They haven’t been mean about it; we still text about life and stuff. It’s just that I know they’ve been making a lot of memories without us, so it will never be the same. But yes - marital happiness is worth a little compromise! (Or sometimes a lot haha.)

Wow! Yes, good thing you didn’t give in... I hope she fully recovers soon!
 
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Mrs. Puma

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They haven’t been mean about it; we still text about life and stuff. It’s just that I know they’ve been making a lot of memories without us, so it will never be the same. But yes - marital happiness is worth a little compromise! (Or sometimes a lot haha.)

Wow! Yes, good thing you didn’t give in... I hope she fully recovers soon!
Thanks! She was totally fine about 72 hours later. But that first day she was a MESS! So odd... there are definitely still other things out there than ‘Rona. Lol
 

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The idea being there is no harm from more caution but potential for harm from less.
I wouldn’t say there is no harm. My kids mental health has suffered and she’s a pretty even keeled kid. We would take her out with us on our errands because she simply needed it.
 
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