WAG Looking for fear experiences/outcomes

[Judybird]

I've read through several old threads related to fears and quitting so I know there is lots of info out there. But, I'm not quite sure I've seen one related to this particular question.

I have a 9 year old daughter who's competeing level 5. She began suffering with fears on back tuck over the summer when she began training level 5. Got the back tuck . . . .lost it for a few months . . . got it back for a month . . . now she's lost it again. I've gotten mixed messages from different coaches within her gym. Only one of the coaches encourages me to ignore the negativity and just let her resolve her fears and get the skills in her own time. The rest have have urged me to seek counseling for her. My daughter has expressed ZERO interest in doing any type of anti-fear therapy, whether it be a Doc Ali workbook or a sports psychologist.

I know that the standard protocol for dealing with fears for parents is to not discuss, not pressure, not rush. But, I've got a kid who is regressing and reports her loss of skills daily to me and coaches who are concerned and perplexed. Also, we are currently competing compulsory gymnastics for the 5th year. I'm not sure how much more patience I can muster watching her languish.

Sorry for such a long post. To get to the question: Do fears ever self resolve with no therapy and discussion?

 

[Deleted member 18037]

You will get as many answers as there are children. My daughter is a turtle. Took a long time to get her BHS on the beam, it's come and gone, a couple of injuries. I will not let anyone, including her coaches talk about her being behind or going backwards. She is getting where she needs to be in her own time. She is working hard and sometimes there are backward steps and then forward.

But any conversation we have is I'm in your corner, you will get it, and it doesn't matter when. I know you can do it.

Languish, is a negative way of looking at things. Please think about turning it around in your own mind. Because she will pick up on what you think.

She is not languishing, she is just going at her own pace.

 

[kayjaybe]

Yes....and no.

I have a fearful kid. There are skills that she has a block on, then gets them, then loses them, then gets them back. There seems to be no rhyme or reason to it. It is frustrating to her, the coaches, and me, but I've learned to just let it go. The thing I have learned is now that she's experienced it, she's started to get better at knowing the skill will come back. Because she has gotten and lost so many skills over the years (BWO & BHS on beam, giants, flyaway), she knows if she is patient with herself (easier said than done), she will get the skill back.

Personally, the day I need to send my kid to a psychologist to do her sport is the day she ends the sport. She is NOT of the level where she will be going to the Olympics or even getting a college scholarship. This is supposed to be FUN.

Now, that doesn't mean that it isn't HARD. And it doesn't mean that she won't struggle again and again. But overall, she keeps wanting to do it.

And her fear of doing a back handspring on a 4 inch wide piece of wood 4 feet off the floor isn't going to negatively impact her life, the way a fear of crossing a bridge or of crowded places or something else would. She can go on to have a perfectly normal life without ever doing a BHS on a beam. If it would impact her ability to have a normal life, I would certainly seek counseling for her.

 

[gymdoc]

YDD (9 at the time) had mental blocks on BHS on beam that travelled to flyaway and then eventually to anything backward on floor as well. We let it go with positive support and minimal talking about it for about 6 months. Then she started dreading practice and getting down on herself in other non-gymnastics areas of her life. She said she didn't WANT to quit, but thought maybe she should because she couldn't do anything anymore. We opted to try a sports hypnotist before quitting. It helped a lot with her outlook, confidence and she did eventually regain all her skills. She learned some great stress management techniques that will be beneficial in non-gymnastics as well, so I think it was worth it. She still has mental blocks at times, but is able to be patient with herself, work through it, and keep her frustrations confined to the gym

 

[Mommyo2az]

At 9 my daughter developed mental blocks for the back walkover on beam and flyaway. She too came home and reported her lack of progress daily. She even wanted to quit because of the flyaway. The coaches just put her back to doing drills until she was ready. Each block resolved within 6 weeks - but that was a long time for me to keep my mouth shut!! Currently DD has a team mate going through the same thing, with the addition of tuck on floor, she too is 9! Seems to be atleast anecdotally age/growth related.

 

[Sasha]

This is not specific to gymnastics, but I have found in many areas of life where children have challenges, well-meaning people who are simply out of ideas or past their own patience or experience level generically suggest "counseling" to parents as a way to pass the challenge on to someone else. I'm not against children working with skilled practitioners in behavioral and cognitive therapy when there is both a clear need and a verifiable fit between need and professional (e.g., the practitioner has demonstrated success addressing the specific need with similar children and circumstances and can clearly explain her/his theory and approach to working toward improvements). I am just very wary of catch-all "throw it over the wall to someone else" tactics.

Clearly I have a bias from frustrating personal experiences and poor-fit generic "counseling" that actually worsened issues, so do take that into account, though.

For me personally, I would only think about a sports psychologist for my daughter if she was potentially going elite and hitting some rough points, and was interested in talking to someone (or reading books, or attending a workshop, etc) who has specific experience with young, talented athletes. Otherwise, for the average compulsory gymnast, I would not be looking for any kind of counselor unless I had reason to believe there were other troubling issues extending beyond gymnastics OR my daughter was telling me that she really wanted to seek some kind of help/advice beyond what I or the coaches have offered.

That's just me.

 

[profmom]

It could be vestibular. Hunt around for previous threads and see if the descriptions seem to fit. If it's vestibular, explaining this to her will help to ease her anxiety, and the real cure for it is waiting it out and doing skills where they can be done without provoking balking. I don't think psychological counseling can resolve a vestibular issue; at most it would help your DD make her peace with the frustration of having one. I have the teeshirt from watching my daughter deal with a two-year block on beam.

 

[cadybearsmommy]

My dd has had some issues this year as well, kind of went hand in hand with a growth spurt. She didn't want to even hear of doing Doc Alli or anything else at first but after a few weeks she was getting more and more frustrated with herself (she' a perfectionist by nature) and came to me and told me she was willing to try the workbook. I asked her if she was sure b/c she needed to take it seriously for it to help and she said yes. So I ordered the "fear beast" workbook and we worked through it one week at a time. I can say that it was a huge help for her. She got her BWO on beam back about halfway through and although her flyaway is not back yet she was doing drills for it before the season started and they went to pretty much just working routines. So for right now she is still competing an under swing, but she feels ready to start work on the flyaway again when time allows. We found that the strategies from the book can be helpful in many other situations. DD gets very anxious about big tests at school, competing at meets, etc. She has found that using those same strategies, especially the breathing and visualization drills are helpful in those areas as well. For a kid like my dd that is anxious and high strung by nature, it was worth it for her to learn these strategies. If your kid is not normally the anxious or perfectionist type, than your best course of action might be to just wait it out. Stay supportive but not overly involved. Give her the opportunity to come to you if she does decide she needs more help. I know how stressful it is, but I'm hoping this is resolved for your dd soon! Just remember that while she is struggling now, she will only come out a stronger gymnast once she overcomes this!

 

[lovemygymnast]

I can tell you mine is 9 at L6. Each & every time something was lost for a time, she was having a growth spurt. We don't talk about it and don't pressure her and poof! It's over as quick as it came. She pressures herself enough without us or coaches adding more. It will come back. (Now, I may be posting the same thing in a month or two!) lol

 

[e'smum]

age 9 doing level 5 is still young. and these fears are normal. i would just give her time and let her work it out. maybe when she starts to talk about things that she did wrong at practice you ask her to tell you one positive thing that happened and steer away from anything negative.

 

[coachmolly]

It depends so much on the kid. I currently coach a girl (also 9) who has some major fear issues- has been plugging away at ro-bhs for over a year, has done it by herself and will "have" it for a little while, but then it either deteriorates to where I won't let her throw it on her own or she just won't do it- usually it comes out in the form of "I don't feel well," "I'm tired," "my ro doesn't feel right." We celebrate when it shows up and keep plugging away when it disappears. It has happened before, it will happen again (hopefully on another skill!) and as long as she seems to be okay with it, I'll keep working at it with her and not pushing the issue. The ball is in her court. Fortunately, she's in Xcel, so we have a little more flexibility to work around it than a kid in compulsories would. If it gets to the point where it makes her hate coming to the gym or thinking about quitting, I might suggest something like Doc Ali for her just because I would hate to see a kid quit on such a low note. I also think that type of skill building is important, especially for kids who tend to be higher anxiety anyway.
I'm not keen on suggesting a sports psychologist for this level of gymnastics or age of child. If the parents decided to move in that direction as a result of significant anxiety or fear issues elsewhere that just happened to be showing themselves in the gym, that's a totally different issue and I would support it as much as possible.

 

[LizzieLac]

Our "fear" experience was with the giant, although there have been other skills that caused tremendous anguish for DD. BHS on beam has been years in the making...losing, gaining, losing, injuries. And the times when it is lost and won't come back are so hard because the girls don't know what else they can do...

The giant fear for my DD was really the result of traumatic injury, although the injury occurred with a tsuk vault. For a VERY long time (months and months) she would get up on the pit bar and just hang on her belly and never go. Couldn't really even go for a baby giant. Coach completely backed off - literally didn't ask her to do anything related to a giant. In fact, I don't think he ever did. Ever. Eventually, she began to try a baby giant and worked it up on her own. We never spoke about it. I never asked. Some days she would tell me she made greater clearance over the bar. It was still a long process, because she basically did that on every bar (pit bar, then single rail, then uneven bars) - taking it from baby giant to giant all on her own. It wasn't until she had dealt with the fear did coach start addressing the skill with her.

Mine too, never wants to do Doc Ali or mental training. She believes the mental is up to her.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

She believes the mental is up to her.

Well in the end, Doc Ali or not, or whatever it takes, we can mitigate, however, In the end it is, up to them..................

 

[Moxiegrl83]

My DD went through it last year too. She's 10 now, and it did pass. Hers was a BHS on beam, then it traveled to anything backwards. It was brutal. It probably took a year of ups and downs, getting her tumbling back, losing it, BHS back, losing that, etc. She just competed her first meet of Level 8, with all her skills. Just be patient.

We have another girl in the gym that went through 2 whole years of not tumbling. She's a beautiful gymnast, and it really took guts to come in every day and try. It passed for her too. Patient coaching, giving them things they can succeed on, and just backing off seem to be the key. Good luck I know it's frustrating!!

 

[MILgymFAM]

My DDS have always been fearful.

My ODD went through back tuck and flyaway fears for about a year and a half. Coaches were nice, mean, cruel, and everything in between without making it better. She tried doc Ali, and it didn't help either. Now she is learning tuck half flyaways and whips, so she did get past the fears, but the only things that helped were time and patience.

My YDD is still in a three year BHS struggle where she's had it and lost it probably a dozen times. She even competed it a few separate times and won her level/age group with it, only to lose it again. She is in a blocked phase on one of her tramp skills too. Her coach is the most patient person I know, so I'm confident that she'll eventually triumph over her fears as well.

I'm not sure counseling would help either of my girls. It may have helped a few coaches along the way, and probably me too- the adults seem to have less coping skills with blocks than kids in our experience. Ha!

 

[Deleted member 14190]

Yes

I've read through several old threads related to fears and quitting so I know there is lots of info out there. But, I'm not quite sure I've seen one related to this particular question.

I have a 9 year old daughter who's competeing level 5. She began suffering with fears on back tuck over the summer when she began training level 5. Got the back tuck . . . .lost it for a few months . . . got it back for a month . . . now she's lost it again. I've gotten mixed messages from different coaches within her gym. Only one of the coaches encourages me to ignore the negativity and just let her resolve her fears and get the skills in her own time. The rest have have urged me to seek counseling for her. My daughter has expressed ZERO interest in doing any type of anti-fear therapy, whether it be a Doc Ali workbook or a sports psychologist.

I know that the standard protocol for dealing with fears for parents is to not discuss, not pressure, not rush. But, I've got a kid who is regressing and reports her loss of skills daily to me and coaches who are concerned and perplexed. Also, we are currently competing compulsory gymnastics for the 5th year. I'm not sure how much more patience I can muster watching her languish.

Sorry for such a long post. To get to the question: Do fears ever self resolve with no therapy and discussion?

 

[Judybird]

Sounds like for sure the best course of action is for me to stay the course, be patient, apply no pressure, and push my own negativity out of my mind lest it affect her. One thing I didn't hear from any of you is that we should throw in the towel unless she chooses to do so. I definitely have felt that the coaches and other parents are casting judgmental stares at her and thinking that she is a lost cause. But perhaps that is my imagination. We lead a pretty isolated existence at our gym because there are really no other level 5's her age.
As always, I really appreciate being able to come here and hear the different perspectives. Thanks all of you.

 

[kayjaybe]

Sounds like for sure the best course of action is for me to stay the course, be patient, apply no pressure, and push my own negativity out of my mind lest it affect her. One thing I didn't hear from any of you is that we should throw in the towel unless she chooses to do so. I definitely have felt that the coaches and other parents are casting judgmental stares at her and thinking that she is a lost cause. But perhaps that is my imagination. We lead a pretty isolated existence at our gym because there are really no other level 5's her age.
As always, I really appreciate being able to come here and hear the different perspectives. Thanks all of you.

As long as she is still having fun and wants to do it, don't let anyone else's opinions or "looks" get to you. Honestly, I have MORE respect for the kids that struggle and fight for every skill and that stick with this sport even though they are grouped with younger kids or aren't getting medals than for the super-stars on the top of the podium.

To me, being able to love something you are struggling with shows true strength and maturity. We had a girl who started on the later side and graduated as a L7 after repeating that level for 3 years, I think. She was an inspiration to every girl in the gym for her strength and love of the sport.

 

[NutterButter]

My DD is a fearful gymnast. Every year, every level there is something (right now it's flipping her vault; three months ago it was something on bars). I seriously did not think she would ever get to L8 but in the end she finds a way to move past her fear. For me the most difficult thing is detaching myself from DD's block. She obsesses about it and it's the only thing she wants to talk about. It can be hard to find the balance of when to cut them off or when to let them vent a while longer. Generally though, less talk/attention is more. I have a flat/monotone demeanor that I have when we talk fears...I assure her that the skill will come back and then we move on. I also use a lot of humor too to lighten up her situation (I joke about skills going missing). Also, it helps to talk about what did go right in practice so I always ask for a positive (and there almost always is a positive).

Another thing that has been helpful is that I trust DD's coaches and appreciate their approach on helping DD with her blocks. They give her the time and space to work through the skill on her terms. It's not perfect as sometimes they use language or words that aren't very helpful but I also recognize that they are human and get frustrated too. I've had one-off conversations with a few of DD's coaches about whatever fear mostly to provide additional insight on what is going on in DD's head. Although I may not always like the word choice, I do feel like they have the right attitude and that the gym is a safe environment for DD to work through her fear. Having this peace of mind is crucial.

I find it a little odd that some have suggested counseling for your DD. What she is experiencing is not uncommon. My DD has worked through Doc Ali. It was helpful and she gained some good strategies. Like your DD she was resistant for getting any help and when she started working through the workbook it definitely was under her terms. I approached it as a tool - the workbook and exercises won't 'cure' her but they will give her some more tools to use to help. Some resonate with her, some don't. Some that didn't resonate at first now do. Take what you need, leave the rest. That's my attitude with the self-help book. It was helpful though and DD still draws from some of the strategies.

Now, for the first time I AM considering more formal counseling for DD. The reason is because DD has anxiety which she was in therapy for several years ago. DD is usually successful in managing her general anxiety. In addition to the gym fears I'm concerned I'm seeing a flare up in other areas of her life. The last 2-3 weeks have been a little touchy with school and overall outlook and definitely has me thinking 'hmmmm'. It's one thing for her to be dealing with a fear in the gym but I'm thinking it might be time for something a little more. If I do pursue this, I will probably seek out a sports psychologist only because they will 'get' the sports aspect of her life. I love DDs therapist she went to several years ago but I'm not sure she fully gets the athlete mentality. So, yes, I'm considering counseling but in DD's case there are other factors influencing this decision.

 

[Gymmom0403]

My kid is pretty fearless. But she she headed to old level 5 the jump to the high bar wasn't happening. She refused to grab the bar. She would climb to the high bar and do skills, it was just the jump and grab that wasn't happening. This went on for quite some time - almost 2 years of major fear on this one skill. We praised. We yelled. We ignored. Finally told her she would be done with gymnastics if she couldn't get past it. Saw a sports psychologist finally. Did that help? Not sure. Finally after all that time of being sent off bars due to coaches frustration her teammate started developing the same fear. And my kid, who would never do this, just said to her teammate "just do it like this" and just did it.
She is now a level 9 cruising right along. Her bars are lagging a bit due to her fear time but she is working hard to catch up.
I think it's all on the kid to overcome the fear. No amount of talking about it will get her over it. Just know it can get better.
Good luck!