Parents Moms Who Critique Other Kids: A Short Vent

[SHELOVESGYM]

I guess we are very lucky -all of the moms in our gym are very supportive of all of the girls.

 

[KipNurse]

I don't hear a lot of the nasty stuff that is being described, but I do have a perspective on the height thing. I think that what people likely don't realize is that when you have a kid who is taller than the average gymnast, you hear it ALL the time, and it does start to get old. I think it's just people making small talk, and it's something to say in those idle, waiting around minutes. "Wow! I feel like Suzy has grown three inches since last week! Did she have a growth spurt?" and I don't think it's meant in a nasty way, but because it's gymnastics it feels like a bit of a criticism. Chances are, each person just says it once and they don't realize that ten other people have said the same thing that week. I imagine it's similar to how parents of smaller kids feel about the comments you likely hear from your non-gymnastics friends. It's not meant as an insult, but it gets old and annoying after a while.

I really like this blog post, and think that it could be adopted for gymnastics: https://www.littlethings.com/how-to-help-daughter-have-body-confidence/ It's titled "What to say to your daughter about her body" and the short answer is: Don’t talk to your daughter about her body, except to teach her how it works. Perhaps it could be adopted to gym parents: "What to say to other parents about their daughter's body" and the short answer can be: nothing.

I'm sure I've done it myself, and now that I've written this I will make a concerted effort to follow my own advice

I think you articulated the part I added about the body stuff. And perhaps this has shown a sensitive part on my end. Some parents in the past had gone out of their way to point out how their older (by a couple of years) daughters were so much smaller than mine...in weight and height. And, I have heard conversations where it has been said outright...citing Simone Biles for example....that height is NOT an advantage in this sport. So...perhaps some of us are more sensitive to it than others. I'll read that article you cited...and love what you say: how about we say nothing about their bodies. The time between maybe 9 and up is VERY hard for some kids (heck probably for their parents too). They are changing and growing SO MUCH physically and emotionally. Lets do all we can to focus on their strengths. Thanks josie55

 

[KipNurse]

I don't hear a lot of the nasty stuff that is being described, but I do have a perspective on the height thing. I think that what people likely don't realize is that when you have a kid who is taller than the average gymnast, you hear it ALL the time, and it does start to get old. I think it's just people making small talk, and it's something to say in those idle, waiting around minutes. "Wow! I feel like Suzy has grown three inches since last week! Did she have a growth spurt?" and I don't think it's meant in a nasty way, but because it's gymnastics it feels like a bit of a criticism. Chances are, each person just says it once and they don't realize that ten other people have said the same thing that week. I imagine it's similar to how parents of smaller kids feel about the comments you likely hear from your non-gymnastics friends. It's not meant as an insult, but it gets old and annoying after a while.

I really like this blog post, and think that it could be adopted for gymnastics: https://www.littlethings.com/how-to-help-daughter-have-body-confidence/ It's titled "What to say to your daughter about her body" and the short answer is: Don’t talk to your daughter about her body, except to teach her how it works. Perhaps it could be adopted to gym parents: "What to say to other parents about their daughter's body" and the short answer can be: nothing.

I'm sure I've done it myself, and now that I've written this I will make a concerted effort to follow my own advice

Ok went back and read that article. I won't lie that it made me tear up a little. Wow...so many good thoughts.
Thank you for posting that.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

I saw a lot more of this when dd was a compulsory.

I hear this a lot around here.

Many folks imply this is a complusory thing. Based on that I was hopeful things would get better after compulsories.

Unfortunately that is not my now optional experience which is limited but no it doesn't work that way.

JMO,

There are people (in fact we all probably do, its a question of degrees) who have CGM, moments and yes there are many more of them in compulsories. And they either out grow it or learn to deal, as the kids move up or their kids quit.

The true CGM Queen Bees, don't out grow it or learn to keep it in check. That leopard doesn't change its spots.

The one at our gym, has been that way since her kid started. Folks still have to deal with her at our gym now that we are in optionals together. She has probably gotten worse as we have gone up. Unless we or she moves on, the level doesn't matter. If she and her kid, ever change gyms, she will just be a CGM, somewhere else. So, no its not better now that compulsories are done.

And no, its, not a compulsory thing. Once a CGM always a CGM.

 

[dancingimmie]

There was a bat s**t crazy CGM at our gym. She had no filter and she was loud! I would cringe when I would come to pick up my dd and she'd be there, she was almost always there. Her dd was training level 8 but she thought she was preparing for the next Olympics. She would bad mouth the kids and the coaches, one in particular in front of everyone and boast about how her dd was taking pvt lessons at another gym. She would do this all right in front of me knowing that I work there. Needless to say she's bad mouthing other kids and different coaches now. We are currently without a CGM at the moment and it's so nice...

 

[LilAdultTumbler]

I saw a lot more of this when dd was a compulsory. Of course, that was also at a different gym. So I don't know if the longer we (collectively) are in the sport the more we chill, or if it was the climate at one gym versus another.

But there are also those fake concerned questions: back in level 3, when they were all learning their kip, a mom suggested that dd might get her kip faster if we changed her diet, because she was obviously "bottom heavy" and that was probably preventing her from getting over the bar. My dd was the oldest on level 3 team, as she started gymnastics late and was 11 years old at the time. She was the only on in pre-puberty, and she was completely healthy and normal sized. Even if she was overweight, that would not have excused the comment, but it felt extra manipulative because dd has never been an overweight child.

THIS makes me so mad. No parent should talk about a child this way. I have a parents and family members that used to talk and still talk (even though I'm in my 30's) about my body. This has been a detriment to my self esteem and own negative self talk. I have tired super hard to not mention things around my gymmie niece because I don't want to put my own negative thoughts on her.

Off topic it made me sad that the adult gymnastics meet last weekend 2 out of the 3 ladies from my gym ( all over 35+ years old) competing were more worried about how they looked "terrible" in a leo and than their routines. I understand it can be hard to feel good about your body after a couple kids, but I wish they saw how powerful strong and amazing I see these women.

And CGMs will be CGMs. If *I* can hear some of these moms talking during the short time I take my shoes, coat off, and tie my hair and run into the gym I can't imagine how much they waste their time critiquing kids.

 

[CoachTodd]

But it does WONDERS for a team atmosphere will little Suzie to told she has to try to beat little Amanda who is on the same team.
We had 3 girls in the same 9 year old age group at the same time. At each meet, if one did well, the other 2 gave up. At the state meet they had the 9a, 9b, and 9c age groups. None of these girls even saw each other. Our gym took 1st place in 9a, 9b, and 9c as well as other medals in each age group from other kids. Best meet ever. The 3 girls that couldn't all score well if they were in the same group were at 38.1, 37.95 and 37.75 and their team was first in the state.
I'm saying this to bring out the point that parents comparing their kids to others can mess up team scores as well.

 

[kitkat]

I think this is at every gym. We have people like that at ours. I usually wear my ear buds so I am not hearing nor involved in that.
I think people in general who talk about other people - whether they are adults talking about adults or in this case adults talking about gymnasts - are just generally unhappy people.
If the biggest thing they have to talk about is whether little Suzie is L3 or L4 - then their lives are pretty darn boring or sad.
You can't control what others say but you can control how you react. Thats our motto.

 

[Sk8ermaiden]

But it does WONDERS for a team atmosphere will little Suzie to told she has to try to beat little Amanda who is on the same team.
We had 3 girls in the same 9 year old age group at the same time. At each meet, if one did well, the other 2 gave up. At the state meet they had the 9a, 9b, and 9c age groups. None of these girls even saw each other. Our gym took 1st place in 9a, 9b, and 9c as well as other medals in each age group from other kids. Best meet ever. The 3 girls that couldn't all score well if they were in the same group were at 38.1, 37.95 and 37.75 and their team was first in the state.
I'm saying this to bring out the point that parents comparing their kids to others can mess up team scores as well.

This drives me crazy too. The moms at our gym keep it really positive about the girls. There are two I think that would talk smack if given the chance, but everyone else is so supportive of all the girls they know it would look really bad to try.

One of the little girls who is often in DD's age group is excellent. Super focused on the details, consistent, always wins - often getting first in everything. Mine is a squirrel. It's nearly impossible for her to pull together 4 good events at one meet. She and my DD were just starting to get friendly, when DD had the meet of her season and placed just behind her, with a score that was VERY close. And her mom was all, "Watch out, she's right on your tail!" etc. It made me cringe. Way to make my daughter the enemy. She did it right in front of everyone and repeated it multiple times, because I think she felt it was some kind of complement? It will be years before my DD will be a threat to hers more than once or twice a season and I wish she wouldn't say things like that. I want my DD to feel like friends and teammates with these girls first and second, and competitors a distant third.

 

[CCGymbug]

I hate that anyone thinks it's ok to be hurtful. I specifically make sure to say positive things about team girls for no other reason than to keep this crap at bay! I think it helps to hear that another parent believes in your child! We are a TEAM after all! What I have gotten in return is priceless!!! I have been sent videos of my beans big new tricks etc! We can not change people but I believe we can change an environment! Its worked well for the girls and the parents and I am here to say it can start with 1 person.

 

[wallflower]

It absolutely gets better. It is mostly a lower level thing. Compulsory, lower level optional.

By the time your child reaches level 10 you've watched your child experience enough heartache that you don't have the energy to worry about anyone else. You just want them to be happy and survive another day.

There will always be crazy gym parents, but if they haven't been humbled by level 10, they at least won't generally find a group of moms to sit around and bash kids with. To me, upper level optionals is a different sport than everything 7 and below.

 

[jenjean70]

I must say that I am genuinely happy for the kids who have struggled and are making progress. My son has had his struggles and I like to share with the parents who are seeing their child struggle, what my son has been through and where he is now. That being said we have a mom who is very negative ALL THE TIME. She criticizes most of the kids and isn't above making the criticism to your face. She has been to many gyms and her child isn't where she thinks he should be so she gets angry and lashes out/ talks behind your back/ to your face/ to the wall about any child she considers a threat. If she doesn't see your child as a threat she will become your buddy and bash just about everyone. She actually roots for kids to fall in competitions. When she first came to the gym I thought she was a friend but I quickly realized the kind of person she was and while I'm friendly and engage in idle chit chat I don't go beyond that.

 

[jenjean70]

Ever notice some of the Queen Bees are also on their best behavior when the coaches are around? That is always funny to see. Except, I know and you know, the coaches are onto their game as well. This isn't their first rodeo.

Not the one at our gym.....she tries to control everyone- they are a little afraid of her....

 

[duyetanh]

If your gym has a bunch of mean girl moms in the lobby, be forewarned that your daughter may be working out with a bunch of mean girls. They will learn that behavior and bring it to practice. We had that experience with my daughter at her first gym & it was destructive enough to my daughter that I changed jobs over it. At our current gym (much larger gym with over 150 girls on team), there is none of that in the lobby (quite the opposite) and none of it on the gym floor.

I guess i am blessed. My kid picks none of this up, and is disgusted by their behavior. Thank God.

 

[e'smum]

Haha, the dads at our gym are among the worst!
One dad once told me that he didn't see my daughter as a threat to his dd as she was clearly way more advanced! He also after practice one day told me how surprised he was that my dd could do a particular skill better than his dd as his dd was normally best. But he spends far more time *****ing about another girl who does much more rival his dd ability.
But I just think what a sad life he has, also I feel very sorry for his dd as I know she gets an earful after practice pointing out what he did t think was good enough!

Forgot to say though that's most parents are very positive and it's only the minority who aren't.

are you for real? he said all that to you? i would not have taken that very nicely and would have put him in his place. . i'd probably have gotten kicked out!

 

[Nikki4]

We have one mom like this. You come in, sit near her and if your kid has had a ruff time with something that day, she lets you know all about it. And then acts like she expects you to get all mad at your kid because they had a bad day or something. I avoid her!

 

[jenjean70]

are you for real? he said all that to you? i would not have taken that very nicely and would have put him in his place. . i'd probably have gotten kicked out!

we have a mom who told me that my son wasn't working very hard at practice but hers was. She also told one of the moms at regionals that making nationals as a JO as opposed to a JE didn't mean sh*t. She then went on to tell her that her son shouldn't have earned the same score as her son on an event because her son's routine was much more difficult. Her son competed level 8 this year as a 14 year old and wasn't eligible to make nationals. The coaches are giving her what she wants next year and moving him to level 10 so he will have a shot at nationals....but I know she won't be happy...

 

[jenjean70]

We have one mom like this. You come in, sit near her and if your kid has had a ruff time with something that day, she lets you know all about it. And then acts like she expects you to get all mad at your kid because they had a bad day or something. I avoid her!

I used to be "that" mom- I would watch practice and get SO frustrated with my son. He started having major fear issues partly because of the pressure the coaches and I put on him. I read some books on fear issues and learned to completely back off. He ended up having his best season ever and has been such a happy gymnast. Now I rarely go and watch practice and if I'm there I try to just talk to people. I never criticized other gymnasts- but I was hyper critical of my own. I am embarrassed and feel awful about the way I acted but I apologized and we have moved on.

 

[mimi]

When we moved out of state for a brief period of time, I watched the last half of my dd's first practice at the new gym. A mom comes in, all in a twitter, asking who the "new girl" is who "is so small she looks like a baby". She was 13 at the time. I'm sitting there listening because of course she doesn't know me from Adam and hasn't made the (rather obvious) connection that I might be the mother of said "new kid". Or maybe she didn't care.
It was so hurtful. When you are in a new place, everything is so raw and your feelings so vulnerable, and what I really could've used was some effort of kindness instead of the nasty I had to hear. Besides, what kind of a person sits around trash talking CHILDREN about what they look like?! Insecurities or not, get a grip!

 

[gymjunkie]

I guess i am blessed. My kid picks none of this up, and is disgusted by their behavior. Thank God.

No, I mean the daughters of the mean girl moms learn the mean behavior and torment the nice kids with the nice moms!