Parents Not feeling like part of the team

[Flicfliclay]

My DD switched gyms a few months ago and has been thriving and we are very happy with the change.. While driving to school today she brought up the fact she still feels like an outsider and that she doesn't feel like the girls think she is a part of the team.. as a mom hearing this breaks your heart.. she trains 27 hours a week with them, so you would think that she would feel at home with them by now.. Any advice on how to help her feel like part of the group? Or do you think it's just going to take time?

 

[flipping_girls]

My DD switched gyms a few months ago and has been thriving and we are very happy with the change.. While driving to school today she brought up the fact she still feels like an outsider and that she doesn't feel like the girls think she is a part of the team.. as a mom hearing this breaks your heart.. she trains 27 hours a week with them, so you would think that she would feel at home with them by now.. Any advice on how to help her feel like part of the group? Or do you think it's just going to take time?

That is so hard, and sorry she is having a tough time. Have you thought of hosting a team building activity? Something outside of practice?

 

[Deleted member 18037]

Time, its going to take time.

I would think once meets start, it will start to click.

I would also perhaps do some invites for meet ups. Would anyone like to meet up for ice cream or pizza after practice. Be proactive.

 

[notthatmom]

How old is she?
Instead of full team activities, I would have her pick two or maybe three girls to invite over for a sleep over, to the movies, dinner, etc.
I feel like if it's the whole team, she may still have the risk of being left out, even if it's outside the gym.
I agree as a whole it will take time (although you'd think that much training per week should be enough )
And meet season should help, but just see if she is interested in having just a few teammates over for fun to get the ball rolling!

 

[Learning Parent GB]

3 years post switch and my DD is happy. But when it comes down to it the girls make it very clear that she's not one of them because she didn't start there. I don't think they even realise they are doing it. She has one good friend though and most of the time you wouldn't know anything other than just the usual different personalities that would be there however long they had trained together.

 

[Flicfliclay]

How old is she?
Instead of full team activities, I would have her pick two or maybe three girls to invite over for a sleep over, to the movies, dinner, etc.
I feel like if it's the whole team, she may still have the risk of being left out, even if it's outside the gym.
I agree as a whole it will take time (although you'd think that much training per week should be enough )
And meet season should help, but just see if she is interested in having just a few teammates over for fun to get the ball rolling!

She is 9, the youngest on the team. She has gone to a birthday party that a parent was kind enough to include her in.. but she had also been excluded from a few as well.. we are starting to invite one or two of the girls from the team over for play dates as well.. it's so hard when she / they train Mon-Saturday to have that extra free time. I have been telling her that it will take time and to get more involved in conversations with the girls, but then she says they start talking about pkaydated they ALL are at except her and then starts to feel like the odd man out. I told her that we can plan a mall date with some girls and do a few things outside of gym. Gosh this parenting thing is hard! I too miss my daughter as she goes to school from 7-12 all week before gym.. so I want her to have family time.. lol! The life of a gymnast you never think about!

 

[Flicfliclay]

3 years post switch and my DD is happy. But when it comes down to it the girls make it very clear that she's not one of them because she didn't start there. I don't think they even realise they are doing it. She has one good friend though and most of the time you wouldn't know anything other than just the usual different personalities that would be there however long they had trained together.

Wow! 3 years and still not one of them!? That makes me sad. Wish girls weren't so clueless about how things like that come across. I'm lucky to have met a few parents that are helping me through this and she is wonderful! I don't think I could have made the transition without her. And luckily her daughter is on the team with her and is really a sweet girl.. I wish the coaches would notice and help with the team building aspect.But I think that's just wishful thinking! Hugs to you and your daughter!

 

[flipping_girls]

How old is she?
Instead of full team activities, I would have her pick two or maybe three girls to invite over for a sleep over, to the movies, dinner, etc.
I feel like if it's the whole team, she may still have the risk of being left out, even if it's outside the gym.
I agree as a whole it will take time (although you'd think that much training per week should be enough )
And meet season should help, but just see if she is interested in having just a few teammates over for fun to get the ball rolling!

What a great idea to invite a girl or two to a special playdate! Does your daughter go to school with any teammates? Do they go straight to gym m-f? Could you grab lunch after school on the way to gym?

 

[MILgymFAM]

We attended a gym once that forbid onsies twosies and I loved it- events had to be for entire training groups or no one from gym was allowed to be invited.

Having been on the receiving end of not being invited to things, my girl stood her ground about a party at another gym where one team girl was being left out. She lost most of her friends for standing up, but was smart enough to know they weren't good friends anyway.

Anyway, are there any bonding things coming up for the team? If not, could you talk to the coach about planning/hosting one? I think time will help the most, but spending some time together outside of practice might speed things along.

 

[Flicfliclay]

We attended a gym once that forbid onsies twosies and I loved it- events had to be for entire training groups or no one from gym was allowed to be invited.

Having been on the receiving end of not being invited to things, my girl stood her ground about a party at another gym where one team girl was being left out. She lost most of her friends for standing up, but was smart enough to know they weren't good friends anyway.

Anyway, are there any bonding things coming up for the team? If not, could you talk to the coach about planning/hosting one? I think time will help the most, but spending some time together outside of practice might speed things along.

While I love the idea of not allowing onesie or twosies, I don't think that will ever happen. And It can be cumbersome I am sure if we had to invite the entire team all the time.. so i do understand maybe her not being invited to things because the parent would be overwhelmed with to many kids at one time! LOL
Not sure if they gym really does many things outside of the gym? I guess we will find out.. as we have only been there for a few months!

Wow how grown up of your daughter to stand up for the teammate being left out! That is tough! I am sure time will help! Maybe i will see about having a big end of summer party or something that the whole team can attend! That might be fun! Thanks for the suggestion!

 

[MILgymFAM]

Just want to be clear- at that gym you didn't have to invite the entire team, just the training group. It was functional because it was only about 6-7 girls, tops. I would think it would be impossible to make everything include 20-30+ kids!

 

[kayjaybe]

Just want to be clear- at that gym you didn't have to invite the entire team, just the training group. It was functional because it was only about 6-7 girls, tops. I would think it would be impossible to make everything include 20-30+ kids!

Even that seems over the top. I often don't mind her having one friend sleep over, but 6+?? That's a whole different dynamic and requires a lot more planning. Glad our gym doesn't do this.

That said, I also don't believe in excluding just 1-2 people. If the training group is 7 people, dd can't invite 6 of them and leave 1 person out. But I have no problem with her inviting just 1-2 people because then there isn't just one person being excluded.

 

[Flyaway]

Even that seems over the top. I often don't mind her having one friend sleep over, but 6+?? That's a whole different dynamic and requires a lot more planning. Glad our gym doesn't do this.

That said, I also don't believe in excluding just 1-2 people. If the training group is 7 people, dd can't invite 6 of them and leave 1 person out. But I have no problem with her inviting just 1-2 people because then there isn't just one person being excluded.

Yeah, I'd have a problem with the gym dictating who my child could invite over to MY house.

As to the current issue, some of it will take time (competing together helps), but honestly some of it may never go away. I think what I'd focus on with my dd if she were having this issue is - gymnasts and training groups come and go. While it's great to have a tight-knit group, the odds of it staying together through the long haul are very very slim. I'd concentrate on encouraging her to build one or two good friendships and hopefully that will be enough to help her enjoy her training time. My dd's training group has changed up every single year. Some years the group has been tighter than others, usually dependent on how close in age the girls are.

It hurts to be left out. I'd start having playdates asap!

 

[MILgymFAM]

Meh, I don't mind them having rules to make sure everyone is included. Almost every public school my girls attended had similar rules for their classes. I seriously doubt it applied to single kid sleepovers and such, it was more for birthday party type deals where invites were being passed around at school/gym. We always had huge parties or no parties so it never bothered me. I get that other people wouldn't like it, but I loved it.

 

[Seeker]

When we moved gyms, I don't think either of us really felt part of the team/group until we'd been there for a full competition season. Hopefully after they all start competing together, the group will feel more cohesive.

 

[LindyHopper]

Short Stack is 11 and has been on her team for 2+ seasons. She is on the younger side of her team. The place this shows up the most is the fact that we haven't given her a cell phone yet.

That one small fact is the primary reason she occasionally feels left out. The girls on the team have a massive group text where they all gossip and share stuff (and I think a bit of drama is mixed in too). So, because Short Stack is not on the group text, she is often the last teammate to know something. Or she has a vague idea of something, but not the details.

If the girls on your daughter's team are older, have phones, and have a similar group text, that could be contributing to the feelings of being left out.

Just a theory I thought I'd float.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

Thinking out loud. Do school districts come into play? At our gym there are at least 6 school districts where our kids go. So it is not unusual to see kids cluster by district.

They live close together, go to the same schools. Not unusual they will meet up more frequently then the whole group and no one really takes that personally. Now doing gym things............... Usually if a meet up, activity, party involves gymmies beyond the neighborhood everyone gets an invite at least by their core training groups.

 

[thefellowsmom]

I agree that a competition season will really help. When you travel with people and sit at meets with people again and again you can't help to get to know people and you will feel better about it. She will bond because going on trips and sitting through meets with the same kids over and over will help her bond more and there are opportunities for group activities and such. And they feel like a team when competing more I think. It changes the dynamic.

We moved mid season and were thrust into the middle of all of it and as scary as that was it made it easier. Luckily for us the kids and families at our new gym are amazing and were really welcoming and are inclusive with all the kids. I know that isn't always the case and wasn't that way last time we were a new family at a gym so I am super grateful.

We also invited some of the girls that my daughter liked to our house after saturday practice once we got settled in. I picked the girls up and then the parents came and picked them up after. This was really helpful I think and I also got to chat with all the girls parents too, which helped. I know this is really about the girls but parents feeling comfortable and like they know each other helps too and may even get the kids invited to more things.

An idea for a travel meet would be to research something really fun to do in the area that would bring families together and suggest it to the group and even offer to organize it. We went to Texas once and we found these caverns that were awesome and their was a ropes coarse there as well. The kids and parents had a blast and everyone came away knowing each other a lot better. At least for us there always seems to be a down day on the travel meet trips. But, we are in a far off land and have to travel everywhere all the time so we probably get more opportunities for this than most

The group text thing is definitely a big one if they don't have a phone. The group texting begins immediately after practice and there is generally an ongoing conversation throughout the day with kids popping in and out, but we have had no drama. Mostly they post "don't forget your sneakers, we are running today" or cool gym videos they found on instagram, but also planning activities, special wear a certain leo days, birthday parties etc. Not being on those text groups will really throw them out of the loop. One of the new kids at our gym has been having a bit of this issues, but with time it has gotten better and they are including her more. Really, they didn't even know she was out of the loop, just assumed everyone was on the list.

Our gym does a yearly retreat and that was a huge help for the new kids. One girl was feeling a bit left out and like she just wasn't getting the opportunity to bond with the team and two nights in a camp like environment fixed that right up. Now she is right in the middle of all the action as far as I can see.

It is hard transitioning and different personality types will have a harder or easier time jumping into the social scene and being the youngest is hard. We have dealt with that in the past with being the youngest, new kid to the group and catching up to all the older girls. Not pretty, but in time it was fine. I just told her to worry about her gymnastics, work hard and to be nice and supportive to everyone. This is a sport where all ages and levels and abilities are mixed together and they all come to terms with where they fit in eventually.

Unfortunately some gyms just don't have a great inviting culture either. We have experienced that as well. Parents and kids aren't always happy to have a new kid, especially when they are young and or good. It is just is how it is. Competition season in that environment may not make it better, maybe even worse. But, if the training is great and she is thriving otherwise then time will likely solve most problems or those problems will leave eventually. No situation is perfect.

It has only been a few months and it sounds like other than her not feeling really part of the team yet things are going really well. I'm sure it will all work out and she will be bonded and having a great time in no time. Good Luck!

 

[Deleted member 18037]

Yes the texting thing is big. Not a lot of great thoughts being passed on but lots of chatter. What leo are you wearing, no what leo are you wearing...... Do you like this song. And lots of Descendants chatter these days. OMG, Descendents, OMG.

 

[H.J.]

I feel for her! We just moved and DD's new gym is so different from the one she had to leave - bigger, more serious, etc., where the old one was a family - all close and tight knit. She's been sad and lonely but now after about 3-4 weeks, I'm seeing a big difference and I mostly chalk that up (see what I did there?) to her feeling like she's starting to have friends there. It takes time though. (And frankly it's hard for parents to break in too... at least it has been for me. I know it'll get better though.) Hugs!