Parents Parental pressure: a cautionary tale

[Flyaway]

If you "know" me, you know that I work pretty hard to stay out of dd's gymnastics. I try to keep my questions about gym to "what was fun today?" or "what made you proud today?". I rarely watch practice. I don't make it a habit to question the coaches about everything or complain about every little thing. In other words, I try to be a good gym mom.

Recently, due to scheduling I had to arrive at the gym about an hour before pick up time. When I got there dd was working on a new drill for a new skill. It was fun and exciting so I got out my phone to video a few of her attempts, thinking she'd like to see herself do the drill. Things were going fine for awhile. Then once the coach stepped away, it fell apart. She was unable to complete the drill without a coach standing nearby and she just flat out got in her head. She came over to me after the rotation and completely melted down, which is so strange for her. Usually she's able to handle frustration. I switched into triage mode and calmed her down and got her back on the floor.

After gym, I cautiously approached the subject of her meltdown. After a few minutes of conversation, the crux of the issue came out: while she was attempting (and failing) the drill, one of her teammates asked her why she kept bailing, since her mom was videoing her. Oops. She told me she felt a lot of pressure to do the drill FOR ME, but she wasn't ready yet. I had completely innocent intentions, and had inadvertently and unknowingly put pressure on my dd to do a drill that she wasn't quite mentally ready to do by herself, because I was videoing and she didn't want to let me down.

Yikes.

I'm not beating myself up, but I AM taking notes for the future. We discussed solutions, like for example from now on I will wait until she asks me to video her, so that she can choose when she's mentally ready to be recorded.

I just wanted to share my experience as an example of how even the most innocent of things can and will put pressure on a gymnast. It's opened my eyes to other behaviors I might have that to me mean nothing, but could possibly be sending a different message to her.

 

[John]

Thank you for this. I usually wait to be asked to video but I too have pulled the phone out once or twice. Note to self, leave the phone in the pocket unless playing a mindless game.

 

[gymnastmom05]

You are so right! I made the "mistake" 2.5 years ago when my daughter was venting about her struggles (skill wise and balancing time) with gym and I mentioned that she could always try Rec Team. She took it the WRONG way (and still brings it up-now she's a middle school pre-teen so of course she has that one cataloged). I only even mentioned it because I wanted her to know it was an option, not that I thought she wasn't good enough! As moms we just want them to be happy, I thought she needed to know all of her options in case the lower hours and lower expectations were something she might be interested in. I will never again mention that word in her presence. Just like I used to ask before I wrote the huge check to cover all of her competition costs - "Are you positive you want to do this again this season?" I'm looking at it as an extremely large cost and only asking before I throw it away if she's having some doubts about competition. She apparently thought it was me questioning her ability.

 

[momstrong]

Yes, thank you for posting! I'm a little teary reading this! I've pulled out the phone recently with her skill she's been struggling with thinking she might want to watch it also.

 

[munchkin3]

How old? sounds like mine......shes suffering from 'emotional magnification'

 

[profmom]

It's much easier when they reach the age when, if they want videos, they harass one of their teammates into doing it. Hugs!

 

[Flyaway]

How old? sounds like mine......shes suffering from 'emotional magnification'

10. Sigh. I fear the toughest years are quickly approaching us.

 

[josie55]

Thanks for sharing. It's hard b/c I think that, theoretically, capturing the drills and the fails are just as important as the end result. I have this fantasy that someday, when I have time, I will make awesome videos of my kids (along with photo albums - ha!) and just like it's fun to have a video of a little one standing, wobbling and falling as well as ones of them walking, it would be fun to include all of the work that leads up to the beautifully mastered skill. But mine is like yours - only wants the "good stuff" on video. So between that, and not watching much of practice, I end up not videoing much of anything anymore. Of course sometimes she will say "why didn't you video that?" b/c apparently I missed something good. Ah we can't win!

 

[Deleted member 18037]

You're a good mom. Because when you know better you do better..... and you worked with her.

Thanks for sharing

 

[Committed]

If I'm ever in the parent area..... I'm more chatting with moms than actually watching.
Apparently, I'm not smiling & bubbly, and she thinks I'm mad at her! When, in reality, I wasn't even watching! She can't even tell me why she thinks I would be mad! Just something they project if they're feeling upset or frustrated with themselves. It's hard to hear though.

 

[NutterButter]

Thank you for your openness to share. Great message for us.

 

[Jaks]

If I'm ever in the parent area..... I'm more chatting with moms than actually watching.
Apparently, I'm not smiling & bubbly, and she thinks I'm mad at her! When, in reality, I wasn't even watching! She can't even tell me why she thinks I would be mad! Just something they project if they're feeling upset or frustrated with themselves. It's hard to hear though.

I thought my dd was the only one who was like this, she also takes things the wrong way and says she feels I think she isn't good enough .. My dd is also 10 and turns 11 this year, she can be very stroppy and has a quick temper, dd is quite small for her age and doesn't seem to be showing signs of puberty yet in other ways. I have also noticed a few things creep into her gym (was open viewing recently) one example is where she would be in front support on low bar for quite a while before casting into a squat on and jumping to the high bar, when she finally does it she can do it well, this is on pit bars.

 

[CuriousCate]

This is quite eye opening. Thanks for sharing! The littlest things, right? It's definitely a fine line to walk! I just became a "bad gym mom" based on an email I sent trying to advocate for my kid and her group...but if I don't advocate then I feel like a bad *real* mom! Gym parenting is a whole different world!