Parents Parental pressure?

[SHELOVESGYM]

I know it's generally believed on this board that parents should NOT, under any circumstances, but extra pressure on their gymnast to gain skills/improve scores, etc. We parents should not even ask about these things -should not ask if a skill is coming along, etc. I followed this for the first 4 or so years that my DD (now 9) was in gym (rec, preteam, team). I am now considering changing as I really think my DD is one who can benefit from a little external pressure and I'm wondering if anyone has been in the same boat and if so how you dealt with it. Yes, I realize that ideally the desire to improve comes from the gymmie themselves. My DD, while she will not hear of quitting the sport or even moving to x cel, is just not a hard worker in the gym. We have now heard this from several coaches. She is very social during practice and uses any time she can to chat with her gym friends rather than to do more rotations. When it is her turn to work with the coach she is often unfocused, etc. While I have always believed that first and foremost gym should be fun, I am at the point where if she doesn't start working hard to gain some skills I would prefer to pull her out as I'm not sure that the amount of time/energy that she and our entire family put into gym is really paying off. Would love to hear any thoughts on how to best handle a gymmie that doesn't work hard. I am thinking of giving her an ultimatum -if she doesn't get her level 4 skills in time to compete the level (which would leave her to do a 3rd year of level 3) she will have to leave JO for either a different sport or an xcel team. Now I want to emphasize that if she were putting in the effort and the skills just weren't coming I would be admiring her dedication to keep at it -but by now I'm quite sure that this is not the case.

 

[Sasha]

First, many, many parents on here will emphasize with this feeling. You are not alone! Many threads on "Help - my kid isn't putting in the effort that I know she/he should!"

Second, please hold off on any ultimatums about gaining skills. It is unlikely to work, unless you are actually hoping that she will resent you and quit (in that case, it may work).

Third, get ready for some 'tough love' from the parents here Please don't be offended - they have been there, done that, and failed for you and I to benefit from their stories.

Fourth, my advice...
My personal opinion is that there are ways to subtly intervene and help you daughter discover if the hard work of gym is really what she wants to do. Ultimatums are not effective. Subtly and tactically offering listening, questioning, and support to teach life lessons may. First, some questions...

Have the coaches asked you to intervene in any way? i.e., "Please talk to Susie about her work ethic?"

Have you let your DD know the coaches have given this feedback?

Does your DD realize coaches think this about her?

Does your DD believe she is putting in max/reasonable effort?

And finally,

How do you define "really paying off"?

 

[amiandjim]

Here is my take: I think when we talk about not putting pressure regarding scores, skills, fears, etc...the general assumption is the gymmie is working hard and putting forth his or her best effort. In that case, I think parental pressure is a definite no-no. However, if my DD were on team and had been spoken to multiple times (has this happened? Have coaches spoken to her?) about not trying/being social, I wouldn't have a problem talking to her and telling her that it's unacceptable to not pay attention, focus, and work her hardest. I would NOT give an ultimatum that was related to skills or level though. I would try to find out why she is goofing off and go from there....but I definitely think it's ok to say "hey, you have to at least try your hardest." Maybe she really thinks she is?

The other thing I would wonder is what the coaches are doing to correct the behavior? Our coaches don't really tolerate that stuff and will totally call out a child who is goofing off or talking too much.

 

[SHELOVESGYM]

Thanks for the replies. Yes, she is aware that her coaches think this. When I first started hearing this years ago she was defensive and claimed it wasn't true that she wasn't working hard, and I also was a bit defensive and decided that coach didn't like DD. Now, several coaches later and same story. We have had meetings with the coach about this and seen a slight improvement, but only slight. I think DD cares much more about being social with the girls on her team than she does about advancing in gymnastics -but that's not to say that she doesn't get upset when she comes in last place at a meet, doesn't move up with her friends (they still practice together, etc). To me, "paying off" is teaching her life lessons. I know she (nor any of the girls in her gym) will make it to the Olympics or even to college gym -this and high scores/high level are not our goal. But to continue to make huge commitment that is competitive gym I want to know that she is learning the value of hard work, fitness, etc. She is very fit, but I don't know if she's learning much about hard work/determination, etc.

 

[raenndrops]

Thanks for the replies. Yes, she is aware that her coaches think this. When I first started hearing this years ago she was defensive and claimed it wasn't true that she wasn't working hard, and I also was a bit defensive and decided that coach didn't like DD. Now, several coaches later and same story. We have had meetings with the coach about this and seen a slight improvement, but only slight. I think DD cares much more about being social with the girls on her team than she does about advancing in gymnastics -but that's not to say that she doesn't get upset when she comes in last place at a meet, doesn't move up with her friends (they still practice together, etc). To me, "paying off" is teaching her life lessons. I know she (nor any of the girls in her gym) will make it to the Olympics or even to college gym -this and high scores/high level are not our goal. But to continue to make huge commitment that is competitive gym I want to know that she is learning the value of hard work, fitness, etc. She is very fit, but I don't know if she's learning much about hard work/determination, etc.

If she wants to move up, she will get in gear. Just let her know that she has to have the skills to do Level 4 or it will mean repeating Level 3 AGAIN.
Our gym story is different than most. We compete for a YMCA gym (USAG JO and Xcel) and all levels only practice 7.5 hours a week - if they go to all 3 practices.
YG competed 2 years of old L4 (ages 7 and 8) and still wasn't ready for New L4, so she competed L3 (age 9) after the "great level switch." Still no kip and no cartwheel on beam. She transitioned to Xcel Gold. She competed a year (age 10), took a year off, and competed another year (age 12). She is currently up training for Level 6.
She knows that if she doesn't get the skills, she will be repeating Gold again.
It took her a while to "get it" and put in the work.

Give your gymmie time.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

I don't put pressure for skill timelines or ask too much about the specifics of gym.

And my child has no issues with focus or attention. So I expect her to put her best effort in at gym. I know my child and what she is capable of regarding effort. All I expect is she do what she is capable of. And if I heard she wasn't we would have issues.

And if she wasn't putting in her best effort yet upset about, placements, lack of moving up, I would not entertain it.

I would help her with an actual plan to "fix" her effort, or we would move to a place that was comparable in cost and time for the effort she is willing to put forth.

I put a lot effort into getting her there and paying the bills. She needs to put in her best effort when there. First place or last place I could care less. No effort is an issue.

 

[cadybearsmommy]

I think your best bet is perhaps gently reminding her that her actions have natural consequences. That if her coaches don't see her putting in the effort to get these new skills, that she will likely be repeating Level 3 again or possibly have the option of Xcel. Make it very clear that if she does have to repeat again, that you will not entertain any complaints she has about it, nor will you try to negotiate with the coaches and that frankly you don't want to hear about it. Now any kid I know would be bored to tears repeating Level 3 for a 3rd year. That reminder and the very real possibility of doing L3 again might be the push she needs.

With that being said, she is young. Some kids mature faster than others, and it could just be an immaturity issue that will improve with time. If that is the case, doing a year of Xcel could be great for her. She would get a break from the L3 routines and could compete higher skills on her strongest events. Then she could very possibly be ready for L4 after that. Around here it's not uncommon for kids to do a year of Xcel in between L3 and L4, usually it's the darn kip that holds them back.

Now if she has problems with being focused in other areas like school, there could be something more going on here than just immaturity. My son has ADHD and before he was diagnosed and started medication, I often thought he just wasn't putting his full effort in at school and during his activities. Now that the problem has been addressed, he has improved by leaps and bounds in all areas.

Best of luck to you guys! I hope it all works out!

 

[momof2gymmies]

I have a DD who is the exact same. I am called into the office weekly to discuss her "appalling lack of effort". This has been going on for 3 years. Only difference is she is on xcel already. My DD is young, for her group. She gets skills very, very quickly, and is competing the most difficult routines she is allowed to. I think that she is bored. She will be repeating her level next year, because that is a gym rule. She has skills that are at least two levels above what she is allowed to compete. I have told her that while I don't care what level she is or what she scores, I do care that she is polite, respectful, and puts in 100% effort while she is in the gym. I am not driving her 4X a week for her to fool around. My other kids get the same message for their sports/activities. I have not told her that she needs to get x skills to stay in gym, but I have told her if I continue to hear from her coaches that she is not trying then she is done.

 

[Madden3]

I think parents can have a conversation with their children without it amounting to "pressure." I have always asked my sons about practice. How else am I going to know what goes on there? I ask them what they worked on and how it is going. If they are struggling with a skill I ask them what the coach is saying about it and if they think they are getting what they need to eventually "get it." I ask about behavior of the other kids (not sure how it is with girls, but with boys this is definitely a question you can get some eye-opening responses on.) From these questions we would get a conversation, and from those conversations over the years I have been able to let my boys know what our expectations of their behavior and level of effort at gym is. Never have I focused on skill acquisition nor on scores. But I do focus on effort. My kids do not tend to slack, so there has never been a reason to worry on that end for the most part. But here is something in that area that happened recently and how I handled it:

I happened to be in the gym for my youngest kids rec class every week right at the time younger DS (10) was working floor near me. And I noticed he was not doing as much as the other kids. He kind of sat down slumping when it was not his turn to "go." He sometimes seemed to even miss his turn. He also often looked sad or frustrated. (Aside pommel, he has the hardest time on floor historically.)

So we talked about it and I made one simple suggestion. I had noticed other kids often did stuff on the sidelines while they waited. I asked my son if the coach was ok with them doing that while they waited, and he said it depended but usually it was fine to work on hand stands.
Now I asked my son why he did not do handstands between his turns if it was ok with the coach, and he just shrugged. So I told him I wanted him to try that for a week.

Well he started doing that at the next practice and liked it! I think he was not only getting bored and frustrated waiting his turn, he was also focusing on the negative after "bad" runs, and this caused him to lose energy and focus. So doing the handstands not only helped his handstands, but by giving him a positive active focus between floor runs, it kept his head in the game. Whatever it was, it not only helped improve his form and consistency on handstands and related (within a short time it was obvious) but also improved his attitude about floor overall, and he had his best season on floor ever.

So I guess my point is, maybe your child would benefit from a strategy to help her focus, rather than an ultimatum? In this case, I kind of stumbled on an idea I could offer my son. Maybe you could talk to the coaches for ideas about this.

One other thought. Who is your daughter being so social with and is the socializing at practice hurting them as well? Is your daughter distracting the kids who are trying to work hard, or is someone distracting her and hurting her progress?

 

[wgagym]

There is a difference between behavior and skills. I would not put any ultimatum on gaining skills because that greatly increases the chance of mental blocks, however if she is distracting other gymnasts and not working hard you can tal to her about that. That is a behavior issue and fully under the umbrella of mom can handle it. You can put an ultimatum on that. If you are not putting in your best effort at practice... We have this discussion with one of our boys (hockey not gymnastics). We discussed with him that he could play hockey as normal and I could care less how good he is at it, (he is naturally talented at hockey so he doesn't have to work to hard) but I will not be spending extra money to put him in all these camps and send him to tryouts that he wants to do if he isn't going to work hard doing it. That has been the discussion the last year and he work ethic has improved.

 

[my4buffaloes]

I would only get involved to improve her behavior in the gym, like no goofing off, needing to focus more, listening to coaches etc. I would not put pressure to get skills or scores. Those will come with the above.