Parents PLEASE HELP!!! What would you do?

[rmankini]

My daughter, 9 is training level 4.....She has suffered with lots of fears. Half the time she says she isn't sure if she wants to go to practice. We have talked about fears and her coach understands. But the bottom line, is she has to want it. And when we discuss quitting, she isn't sure. Basically, then when I say "you need to quit or take a break", she gets upset and says she doesn't want to quit.

However, immediately turns around and isn't sure again. She doesn't appreciate being on team until the threat of it being taken away. Wouldn't you all, just lay down the law at that point and say "your done?" This is driving me crazy and it's not fair to her coaches and teammates and me!!

I think the passion for gymnastics isn't there enough!!

 

[amiandjim]

I don’t think you should confuse fears with lack of passion. A kid can want it all day long, but still deal with fears. It’s completely normal to be afraid of big skills, because let’s face it, they are scary! My kiddo is one of the hardest working gymnast I know, but has always been very cautious. She has to woke up to big skills and decide she is ready. I would never want her to quit gymnastics over her fears.

 

[CLgym]

I agree with @amiandjim -- struggling with fears does not mean there is a lack of passion. Lots of passionate gymnasts go through rough patches, and doubt themselves or the sport. That being said, if I were in your shoes, I would not be happy having to deal with a 9-year old who didn't want to go to practice half the time. I assume that means there is drama, cajoling, etc. several days a week? That dynamic would drive me crazy pretty quickly!

Hopefully some parents with first hand experience can weigh in. If it were me, I'd probably start with a good long discussion with my daughter (not in the heat of the moment) and talk about goals and expectations for gymnastics. I'd probe to see if there are issues other than fear that are making your daughter not want to attend practice (my DD has ongoing beam fears -- she is a 10 year old L7 -- but is always happy to go to practice). I might also plan a meeting with coaches to fill them in, and get more info regarding what they are seeing in the gym. Is she working hard? Avoiding tasks? How are the fears being handled? The coaches might also have some suggestions for a plan moving forward.

Is there an Xcel program at your gym? The flexibility of Xcel might allow your daughter to work around her fear issues, make progress, and feel more positive. This could be a good short or long term solution!

Good luck!

 

[momnipotent]

I agree that you can’t confuse fears with a lack of passion, but I also feel that passion means wanting to go despite the fears. I think that the tell is that when you talk about quitting, she isn’t sure, but then you say you are going to make her she doesn’t want to. Sure, because you making her quit is a punishment (in her eyes-not saying that’s what it really is) and no kid wants to be punished. I think I would have her finish out the season and then take a break. Tell her you want to spend more time as a family and try different things, and if she really wants to go back in 3 months, she can. Then take the time-do things as a family, try dance, art/music, soccer, etc. see if there’s a passion for anything else there. Then see if she asks to go back. If she does, have a conversation about how if you sign her back up, she needs to go happily. That you don’t care about what skills she has or what level she is, but it needs to be something she shows you she wants to do.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

My daughter while she has no intense fears is a cautious slow moving gymmie. And she likes gym, doesn’t love love love it. She does like going to gym and works hard and enjoys her friends.

If it was more then an occasional off day she would be done. Too much money to battle attitude

 

[nemo544]

Agree with all previous posts. My DD has mentioned taking a break when she is injured or just exhausted. Our rule is that if she commits to the season (her gym requires a signed commitment at the beginning of the season) that she will complete it unless she medically can’t. If she needs a break, she can take one after season, but she’s committed to the team and gym until the meets are done for the year. So far she’s never wanted to stop in the off season as that’s when the fun really happens. Our rule makes going to practice or not a non-option during season. Her gym also has “sanity days” for the upper levels where they can take one day off per month no questions asked, just not on meet week.

Is she fearful of skills or competitions? Would you giving her 1-2 “sanity days” per month help? Level 4 is early on to lose the passion or stop enjoying it. If she’s not enjoying it now, xcel may be a good option. Another thing that kept my DD interested was TOPS. Does your gym do TOPS? Having the variety helped keep her interested when compulsories got mundane. Another idea might be to have her watch optionals meets to see what that work turns into, especially watching some fun floor routines. Lastly are there other gyms in your area? She could try some classes at other gyms to see if there’s a better fit?

Fears happen to everyone and I guess the bottom line, as others said, is to determine if it’s a lack of interest in this sport any longer or just finding a way to overcome fear. Sports psychologists may be able to help if you feel fear is the main factor and you both want her to continue.

Good luck!

 

[jillc]

I agree with momnipotent... make quitting an option, not a threat. “You need to quit or take a break” sounds more like a threat

One girls on my DDs team was in the “I don’t know if I want to quit” camp and the mom was really struggling on what was right for her DD. After being pretty stressed (like you sound) she found ways to take a week off here or there with the “spend more time as a family” and “try new things” approach. This lasted about 2 months. She would take a week off, come for 2 weeks, take a week off, come back...
And after 2 months the girl (and her mom) got more comfortable that stopping gymnastics was the right choice. You could tell they were very at peace with the decision by that point.

I do think the mom was in close communication with the coaches through all of this so that they knew why she was missing so often.

 

[txgymfan]

Bookworm had a great response to this years ago. Basically she said if you repeatedly say you don’t want to go, you’re done. This sport is too expensive and requires too much of a family sacrifice for you to make a fuss about going. I understand fear and I will help a child deal with it, but I am not doing drama.

 

[RTT2]

Bookworm had a great response to this years ago. Basically she said if you repeatedly say you don’t want to go, you’re done. This sport is too expensive and requires too much of a family sacrifice for you to make a fuss about going. I understand fear and I will help a child deal with it, but I am not doing drama.

This is how I feel. At DD's old gym I frequently saw parents hauling crying kids into practice. No way would I have the stomach for that.

 

[Carly]

I agree with another poster that Xcel could be a great option if she still loves gymnastics. It obviously depends if you have the program at your gym or another gym near you. It could be a better fit because the girls have their own routines so she might be able to work her routines around the skills that she is afraid of. It is also usually less hours than JO and she might have time to try other things at the same time.

 

[TumbleTimes4]

We dealt with something similar to this a couple years ago. DD wanted to be in team but did not want to actually compete. She would break down in tears over it, even go into practice crying. She would get stomach aches because her anxiety level was so high. I was ready to pull her out but she was insistent that she did not want to quit, she wanted to stay on team, just not compete, but she could not tell us why. She has a hard time pinpointing and communicating her feelings.

I finally figured it out after talking to another mother whose daughter was telling her what was going on in the gym. There was a coach in the gym working with a different level telling her girls that if they didn’t get their skills, they would not compete. Even though it wasn’t her coach, she thought that still applied to her. She was working on a new skill at the time, but it was not a requirement for her level, but only being 7, she didn’t know that, or her coach didn’t think to tell her that. So she is working on a new skill that she doesn’t have yet, but she thinks she needs it to compete and she was consistently hearing another coach tell her girls that they can’t compete if they don’t get the skills they are working on. Additionally at home we were telling her that she had to compete this year because we already made the financial commitment but she is hearing at the gym that she can’t compete. I fully understand now that at 7 it had to be very confusing and upsetting, especially for a child that internalizes things.

DD does not respond well to negative motivation. She just shuts down and can’t function well. Once I learned what was going on, I sat down with the head coach to discuss the situation. She was very understanding and they made some adjustments in the gym so that other coaches would be more mindful of her when both levels would work close together. They also explained to my DD the exact requirements for her level, and that what she was working on was uptraining and that she had all the necessary skills to compete. It immediately calmed her fears and she was fine to compete and no longer had tears at practice.

All that to say that it may be more than a lack of passion going on with your daughter. It took us a few months to figure it out. When they are young sometimes it’s hard for them to pinpoint what makes them feel the way they do. I would talk to her coaches and see if maybe they could help you determine what is going on. Maybe see if other parents are dealing with something similar. A fear of a skill could also be what is upsetting her. Maybe she just needs extra encouragement and patience to know that she has the time and space she needs to slowly work through those fears. Maybe she is feeling pushed into doing things she is not ready for. But it sounds like something else is going on other than just lack of passion.