WAG rewarding the team with allergenic food

[emorymom]

I want to share with you our experience tonight with the end of summer league swim team banquet, because I think it will help coaches and team moms understand why it's not very nice to REWARD the team for HARD WORK and a great season with stuff that you know or should know that some members medically can't eat.

In this day and age there are substitutes available for nearly everything that taste good and are safe, and it is not necessary to change team traditions to avoid devaluing some of your team members. Though, if you'd like to choose non-food rewards, more power to you.

We have made some progress with this, as you'll see below, but we have a ways to go.

My son is a true celiac; my daughter is a gluten intolerant -- if she has even trace amounts of gluten, she will break out and we know from early on, when she used to think she could cheat on the diet, that any cheating results in a loss of athletic performance. Basically you cannot get your best possible times if you are causing general inflammation in your body. Your food intolerant athletes are being GOOD team members when they don't eat the offending foods. I think it's important to say that. They have more work to do to perform for their teams than they would without the food sensitivity. My son would be, you know, anemic and/or dead without the gluten free diet so it goes without saying, he wouldn't be anchoring the A relay much if he ate gluten.

I'm going to go ahead and post so I don't lose what I've written and continue this story in a few minutes, because I have a parenting thing to attend to ...

 

[emorymom]

Continued

The summer league rewards the end of the season with pizza and cake and gives out awards. This is purchased by the team. The parents are welcome to eat the cake and to buy slices of pizza for $1.

Team organizers are aware that my athletes are gluten-free because we have SIX (out of about 100) kids on the team ID'd as either celiac or otherwise medically gluten free. I had tentative talks about how purchasing post-meet donuts for them SHOULD be a team purchase (unless their performance at the previous night's meet is less valuable than gluten tolerant children's). However I decided it was best to resolve that fully in the off season, and was not compensated for the approximately $50 of gluten free donuts I bought during the season for the team members so they could participate in the team tradition of Wednesday morning donuts.

In advance of the team awards party, I emailed that my children "would be requiring" celiac safe gluten free pizza and that I would like to purchase additional slices like other parents do.

I heard back -- where do I buy that. I mentioned two restaurants and one of them was where they were already buying the rest of the pizza. That is, the neighborhood pizzaria.

So we drive up to the party and my kids are starving; one just got out of a 2.5 hour gym practice and the other just rolled out of a 1.5 hour swim practice.

The gluten free pizza consists of one, small, six-slice cheese pizza.

They couldn't even spring for 2????? Please bear in mind that GLUTEN TOLERANT PEOPLE CAN EAT GLUTEN FREE PIZZAS. THEY DON'T KEEL OVER AND DIE. LEFTOVERS AREN'T WASTED. The gluten tolerant kids got a choice of pepperoni or cheese and were welcome to take up to three huge, large size pizza slices each. My kids got the drift. Once again, gluten free is second class on this sports team.

I had been pretty excited about eating pizza myself with the other parents. There was not GF pizza for me. I considered waiting until after when I could go home to eat. I tried to tell myself how I wasn't really hungry (I was). This delayed me about ten minutes. Eventually I ordered myself a pizza from the same place and drove to the edge of the neighborhood to pick it up.

I missed my daughter winning MVP in her division. But I did get the dinner I was hoping for. Also my son got 2 more pieces and my daughter got one more so their growing, athlete bodies were at least full.

So it went: Pizza. Awards. Cake.

My son hears the call for cake and runs up and sees that there are TWO huge cakes, one chocolate, one vanilla. Which one is GF? he asks hopefully.

Neither.

Of course. We know you are coming, we know you worked hard for the team, you swam tired and you swam bloody when your relay needed you but screw you. I need you coaches to understand that this is what the kids hear and feel.

If your team rewards kids with pizza, find out who's allergic to dairy. To wheat. To gluten. Then get them a nice pizza. Not less than the other kids. A NICE one. One that says, this team is a family and you are a valued family member.

If your team rewards kids with donuts or cookies or cake, don't make the mom of the allergic kid buy them their own or IT'S NOT A TEAM REWARD. It's a clique of lucky people reward.

How would you feel if you were peanut-anaphylactic and your boss announced one Friday, "Hey, no paychecks this week but we are going to give you the value of your paycheck in vouchers redeemable only for peanut butter"?

Oh, and at the end my daughter comes up excited because she has an envelope with a thank you gift for being one of the volunteer Junior Coaches. Drum roll ... gift certificates for 1 three-pack of Chick-fil-a chicken biscuits and a $5 to the local hot dog stand-style restaurant.

One of my facebook friends posted, in an unrelated quote, today "Go where you are celebrated, not where you are tolerated!!"

This is NOT the same as birthday parties. I am talking about team events to reward the team. At every team event every team member who contributed to what is being celebrated, should feel celebrated. Not second class.

Sigh.

 

[Canadian_gym_mom]

We have peanut, tomato, egg, dairy, seafood and gluten allergies at our gym and not one parent has ever complained about the pizza, cake or any other product offered to the kids. As a parent with an allergic child you learn to deal with it and not expect the world to revolve around you.

 

[ecott]

At my DD's gym, it would be the booster club that would handle these kinds of events (and the ordering of food). We're fortunate to have some health-conscious members that I'd like to think would remember those having allergies; however, we're all prone to overlooking others as well as being overlooked. You'll need to remind these people over and over, just like you'd need to remind anybody anywhere you go.

 

[GymBeeMom]

I understand your hurt. I believe every parent of a child with unique needs has gone through this. As sad as it is to watch any child with a limitation learn to cope, the real world lesson is that the majority cannot be expected to make special concessions for the minority. It is considerate and appreciated when it is done, but to be hurt and feel slighted when it isn't will not help your child learn to cope. The problem is indeed your child's and it always will be. Parents always are expected to provide for a child's special needs, and this situation is no different. I do hope you can see that this was probably never meant to be hurtful and with any luck your children will still feel a valued part of their team.
We had a team pool party, and we had one team member who couldn't swim. She found ways to have a great time. We have kids with allergies at our gym, and their parents do often bring things that their children can eat to our team parties. My daughter wears contacts, and she has to figure out how to manage when she needs help with them and nobody around her knows how. These are the life challenges each child gets to work through, one of the tougher sides of growing up. I hope you wont take it so personally and help your children be their own greatest advocates in these situations. Providing for ones owns needs can be very satisfying and allow them to feel prepared in situations where others have not prepared for them.
Best wishes, allergies are tough and a growing problem...no doubt they are still loved team members.

 

[gymdog]

I have food restrictions as well and I cannot eat pizza or cakes (not the gluten though). While it is difficult, I would plan to provide safe food for your children at every event like this. Since your son is true celiac, I wouldn't trust the organizers to know or follow protocol. They might place the GF pizza under another pizza or somehow mix them. I would never trust anyone to order me pizza or cake, I guess. I do sympathize, it is especially hard for children with food restrictions.

 

[bookworm]

We have peanut, tomato, egg, dairy, seafood and gluten allergies at our gym and not one parent has ever complained about the pizza, cake or any other product offered to the kids. As a parent with an allergic child you learn to deal with it and not expect the world to revolve around you.

I have a highly allergic child and when food is offered to her ANYWHERE, we check the ingredients and proceed accordingly...if it's safe for her to eat it, she does, and if not, we politely decline. I don't feel that she is being slighted by someone organizing a group food event if it's not something she can eat....they just don't know and life goes on..At the gym, some parents will ask what she can and cannot have and I tell them...for us, popsicles or juice bars have worked around her allergy without making too much of a ruckus....

 

[gymgirl2013]

I have to say, I have had food allergies all my life (dairy, egg, peanut, seafood, cranberry, mushroom and used to have soy as well) and have never made a group cater to my needs. As I have only been on team for two years I only have a small insight. Last year, they had chicken nuggets and other unsafe food. My family and I ate beforehand and then just sat and hung out with the others. This year, they decided to have pizza and asked if there was anywhere safe to order pizza. They asked us to order it which was fine by us. There have been people that have brought in safe birthday treats, but it is usually something simple like popsicles.


All in all I would never force someone or a group to make accommodations for us but it is nice for them to consider us. As for how to get them to remember, just constant repetition, eventually it will click and people will begin to change

Just a thought

 

[mimi]

I am gluten intolerant and even as an adult, the bigger deal that people make out of it (even when they have good intentions) the more uncomfortable it makes me feel. I prefer to make my own accommodations, and honestly the less attention drawn to it the better. If the gym is going to have treats, candy, etc, volunteer to bring in safe treats for your children. Also, it might be helpful to keep some g-free cupcakes in the freezer so that you could send one in with your children for celebrations. That way they get to enjoy a treat too.

Chances are, if you are getting really worked up about it, it is probably making your kids feel even more uncomfortable. I'm sure no one intended to make your children feel less important by not providing for their dietary needs. More than likely they don't understand what all is involved in the food allergy. Like the pizza for example. The gluten free pizzas from most places are MUCH smaller than an average sized regular pizza. And about the same price. So it is possible that those organizing just didn't realize....

Just some "food" for thought. Pun intended...

 

[2G1B]

I just think that it can be soooo hard to accomodate every allergy that kids on a team have. the allergies I know of for just our team are gluten, dairy (extreme - cross contamination is a real issue), apples, nuts, eggs and I think I'm forgetting a few. Add in the vegetarians and the kids on paleo diets and it starts getting really hard. Then a lot of parents don't want store bought stuff, they want hom made (as evidenced by the previous post on this board).

My DD has some food restrictions. I just try to always have something for her that I know she can have. My niece has nut and egg allergies, my sister in law always makes sure to take a safe cupcake to birthday and class parties.

My kids just recently went to Flip Fest. I took foods that my DD could have and left them in the kitchen for her to have. I feel like it is reasonable for me to provide the safe foods for my own kid. There is just no way that anyone can plan for a large, diverse group and manage to handle ALL of the allergies. 6 kids out of 100 seems like a lot; but really, it is 6%. Maybe 3% who you don't know about have egg allergies, another 4% have nut allergies, another 2% have dairy allergies... soon it would just be that they can't have the party for the kids, or if they do they can't provide any food. It used to be that Fritos were generally safe to have as something that all of the kids could eat; but I recently met a kid who couldn't have corn. There just really isn't anything that you can count on being OK for everyone to eat.

 

[Muddlethru]

While I understand how you feel slighted or overlooked, the truth of the matter is we all have our crosses to bear. And in most situations where it is impossible to cater to everyone's special needs, the majority rules. My daughter had a friend with celiac's disease. Whenever I invite her, I always have something special for her to eat. However, her parents ALWAYS pack her a bag of food she can eat just in case there is nothing she can eat. They never complain or ask for special treatment.

In addition, it is a "Team Reward" and not as you put it a "clique of lucky people reward". You and your children were invited to take part in whatever "team reward" is being offered. It is just unfortunate that you cannot. But it is still there should you want to partake.

Suggestion: Instead of making people do things for you, you may want to help organize these reward parties, or be a part of the committee. In that way you will be able to throw in special orders for your children.

 

[gymgymgymnast08]

My brother has very severe food allergies and for things like that my mom would bring food safe for him.
My mom would just volunteer to pick up the pizzas and she would get him his own pizza. If the group pays for his pizza great, if not that's okay too. My mom would have to provide dinner for him at home anyway.
He usually eats better than the other kids because he has his special treats from home. They all may only get one piece of cake, he gets the 3 cupcakes our mom packed for him and maybe some cookies too! (He is a growing teenage boy!) He never felt left out by having his own food, but when he was younger and my mom was worried that he would, she would make the treats for everyone. It won't hurt anyone else to eat the allergen free treats and depending on what it is, it usually tastes the same anyway!
When he gets a gift card for food he can't have, he saves it and gives it to one of us for our birthday! Saves him money!

 

[Mustanggal99]

We are preparing to have our end of year party and I guess I'm in the minority that I do take into consideration my girls with allergies and ensure there is food there for everyone to eat. Is as much available to them as to the ones without the allergies? No. But I do my best to make sure they are included in what we serve at our party. Granted, we only have about 40 on team and 1 is gluten free, 3 have nut allergies, and 1 egg. I speak with the parents about what they can eat and have something for them. HOWEVER, I also invite them to send desserts/chips/etc... thse are not always guaranteed.

 

[emorymom]

Learn from it or don't and just keep on. I am telling you how my children feel. It is probably how many of the children on your teams feel if you use an allergenic food as the basis of your team reward culture and make no effort to say -- hey maybe I could buy some gluten free pizzas, maybe I could buy a few hold the cheese (if verified that such would help value more children on team). The discussion is not relevant to other situations, like private birthday parties, or visits to friends' houses, etc. It is purely one example of how children who medically will be harmed by a certain food, feel if a team institutionally ignores that and uses the dangerous food as a reward for the team season or a team accomplishment.

 

[Canadian_gym_mom]

Learn from it or don't and just keep on. I am telling you how my children feel. It is probably how many of the children on your teams feel if you use an allergenic food as the basis of your team reward culture and make no effort to say -- hey maybe I could buy some gluten free pizzas, maybe I could buy a few hold the cheese (if verified that such would help value more children on team). The discussion is not relevant to other situations, like private birthday parties, or visits to friends' houses, etc. It is purely one example of how children who medically will be harmed by a certain food, feel if a team institutionally ignores that and uses the dangerous food as a reward for the team season or a team accomplishment.

Your children feel slighted because you have told them to feel slighted. The kids in our competitive group understand that when there are cupcakes and pizza, their PARENTS provide for them the special food requirements they need. The other kids don't care, no one makes it a big deal other than the parents who make it a big deal.

 

[emorymom]

Your children feel slighted because you have told them to feel slighted. The kids in our competitive group understand that when there are cupcakes and pizza, their PARENTS provide for them the special food requirements they need. The other kids don't care, no one makes it a big deal other than the parents who make it a big deal.

No, I haven't. They feel left out because they are being left out of an important aspect of team culture. And let me tell you, I've done almost 2 years now of bringing the close as possible to identical substitute, but that doesn't address the problem. They feel left out not because they aren't eating a cookie (I can provide a cookie with sufficient notice) but because their team doesn't care to get them a cookie.

So again, learn from it or not.

 

[gymgymgymnast08]

Unless I'm missing something, the teammates aren't buying the food. In my past experiences (which may very well be different than this) one parent would end up buying the food for events like that. In that case, the team doesn't not care about getting them a cookie. At most, one parent doesn't care. Or one parent simply doesn't understand diet restrictions. I previously mentioned my brother. Some parents would try to get something for him and think that it was safe for him but they would not understand that " may contain traces of peanuts" meant he couldn't have it, even thought there were no actual peanuts in the food.

 

[emorymom]

I am talking about an institution rewarding the team members with food that some of them cannot eat. From the kids' perspective if it's not their beloved coaches doing it they don't understand the difference.

I don't want to get into potlucks etc.

If you are trying to correct this kind of institutional exclusion on your own team, it is OK to ask "If we order gluten free pizza from XYZ Restaurant, can John eat it?" "If we buy coconut based non dairy 'ice cream,' would Anna like that?" If this is too much trouble for the coaches or booster club, maybe you should rethink rewarding the kids with food.

 

[Muddlethru]

To OP, you indicate in your initial post that 6 out of 100 kids in the team roster have celiac or medically gluten free restrictions. You also also indicated that there was only one small pizza for your two children to share, may I ask what did the other celiac and gluten free kids eat during the rewards dinner?

In addition, correct me if I am wrong, but is the committee made up of volunteers? Many volunteers offer their services despite their hectic lives. I've always volunteered my time at the gym, at school, my kids team sports, and I'll tell you it is not easy. I have 4 very active kids and a great majority of the team families not only do not help out, but make my life so difficult when we have tournaments, when I am collecting payments, etc. I do what I can with the time I have. I get so many emails with questions, requests, excuses, it is ridiculous. So maybe you should be more understanding of the oversight or seemingly disregard for your children's diet requirements.


Your point is very well taken in that you want to raise awareness on how kids with diet restrictions feel when their restrictions are overlooked. But the burden should be on you to explain to them and help them deal with the situation as it currently stands.

 

[gymgal]

I think it is good that you are bringing this to light so that parents and coaches are more aware. It just takes time..

However, Kids take cues from the people they love and trust. If the adults don't make a big deal about it, the kids won't either. I am not saying that they might not feel slighted at times, but its the parents job to put it into perspective. These kids will be dealing with it all their lives. Its important to teach them to not get bothered by the little things. I could certainly understand if your close family, with whom you had dinner with every week, forgot repeatedly, but this is a summer swim league, with 100 kids and parent volunteers. Lets be realistic. if you know this is an ongoing issue, then volunteer to be part of the food crew, or at least begin to educate them and expect the changes gradually. Show your kids that it is what they do and how they react in the world that matters, not what others do. prep them ahead of the parties that they are there to be with their friends and celebrate. Its not about the food. And even in the situation that you provided, i would have never thought of the pizza and cake as rewards. the awards are the trophies, ribbons, etc. the food is just that, food... Now, the donut Wednesdays sound like a different story, definitely more of a reward, one i am not fond of but, again, its not a big deal. Provide a treat for them and don't let them make a big deal about it. Change your perspective and they will change theirs. all 3 of my kids have had serious food sensitivities in the past. 2 still do, to lesser extents now. so I have been there-done that....

Btw, you mentioned others on the team have gluten sensitivity. How do their parents react and handle it?