Parents Siblings not in gym...

[Peachy88]

I was inspired to ask this question reading the thread about if you could go back would you let them do it. We are just starting the journey so I am hoping to get advice from veterans.

My jo daughter is 6.5 and we have a 4.5 year old that shows no interest in gym. She does go to dance once a week and we are hoping to get her in some art camps, but I don’t see a drive in her like I did her sister. She is happy to stay home and cook and piddle around but our gymnast daughter is always on the go. How do you make sure you are being fair? I try my hardest not to take her to meets because she is awfully bored.

I have thought about making a fund for her with the tuition money we have spent on other daughter above the cost of her dance class and just tucking it away until she shows an interest of her own. Maybe she plays the cello some day and wants one? Thoughts? As of right now other daughter hadn’t started competing so I would wait until that point.

 

[skschlag]

for us, Fair is relative. It does not mean equal. I have 2 boys, one gymnast, and one interested in other things. When they were younger, they got what they needed to participate in their passion. For the oldest, it was music and robotics. For the youngest, gymnastics. We never made it even, just fair.

 

[Musicmama]

We have four children and only one is in gymnastics. The others (so far) have been drawn to much less expensive and time-consuming activities.

All our children get what they need in order to pursue their interests. We don't tally it up to make it even. Everyone is able to do what they love and everyone is happy! It's fair (and mostly feels fair to the children -- I've talked with the oldest ones about it) although it's not even remotely even.

But if you feel very strongly about it, there's nothing wrong with tallying it up and it's almost always a good idea to put money away for future potential interests if you're in a position to do so. However, I'd not tell the other child about it or promise it to anyone specific in advance because you never know what may happen in the future. You may decide to spend some of it on both children later on too (to get them nice computers or something), which would also be perfectly fine.

 

[MILgymFAM]

I have two who are about that distance apart in age. For awhile the older danced and younger did gymnastics. Then they both did gymnastics for a bit. Now they’ve switched and my younger dances while my older does gymnastics. We do not come from any sort of money and things have always been tight in terms of paying for extracurriculars, but I’ve always attempted to keep things (my version of) fair. For us that means taking both kids level of interest and passion and the amount we can spend and figuring out how best to allocate the money. That has usually ended up with whoever does gymnastics costing more money. One thing that has always been imperative to me was balancing the time fairly. Not in that the activities have to take the same amount of time (my younger dances more hours than my older is in gym currently), but in access to our time. I always make sure to figure out how to allow them both to meet their commitments. Until one finds something that requires the money or the time, I don’t worry about it. I just support them where they are the best I can.

 

[momnipotent]

I have 2 who are also about that distance apart in age, but they both do gym, so we are “even” there, but not so much with other activities. My older one really doesn’t want to do anything else, so gym is it for him, while my younger one has other interests (music, theater, etc.) So in our case, more is spent on my younger son since he has music lessons, theater costs and the like. I don’t think the older one even thinks about it-he has certainly never mentioned it. If he decided he wanted to do something else, we would let him, although depending on what it was, we would probably have to look at the finances and prioritize (we are pretty maxed out on extra-curricular spending at the moment), but I would never feel the need to make up the difference in what’s been spent between the two. In the past I have spent more on my older son-which seems to be evening out now, so I figure as long as they each get to do what they are interested in, they will both be happy and the amount spent will wind up about equal by the time they both hit adulthood. With that said, if you have the resources to put the money away, why not? If your younger stays happy with lower cost activities, there could be a great vacation down the road

 

[Aussie_coach]

You kids are still very young, reality in the future will be that you are not going to be able to make it all exactly fair and equal, and nor should you feel compelled to. Every child is different, with different needs and different interests and every child is going to cost a different amount. Trying to give two children the same amount of anything is not nessesarily fair and equal.

From a teaching perspective you have some kids in the class that need more time and help to achieve the same goals as other kids. Treating them fairly is not achieved by giving every single child the exact same amount of time, but in giving each what they need.

I don’t know about the US, but in Australia high level dance usually ends up being way more expensive than high level gymnastics. The tables may turn in the future. Not only do high level dancers do comparative numbers of hours and competitions as competitive gymnasts but they need an unbelievable number of different costumes, tights, shoes and head pieces.

 

[mls529]

I agree with others that "fair" is not at all about the money spent on a particular activity. If one of my kids goes to an expensive private college because it is a good fit for her, but the other child goes to a more economical state school, it doesn't mean I am going to make up the difference in price to the 2nd kid (not that we would even be in a position to do that). To me, fair is more about not letting the gymnast enjoy more attention than the siblings. I personally love gymnastics, and I loved watching it much before my DD ended up on a team. So, it is enjoyable for me to attend meets, and it seems to be an activity that gets a lot of attention from family members (how fun, she can flip and do tricks most people can't do!). I make it a point to ask Grandma and Grandpa to come to as many recreational soccer games as they do gymnastics meets, and I make sure the Christmas card and Facebook posts don't focus on one kid's activity more than the other. I also don't make my younger child attend too many gymnastics meets, and I ensure that my older DD (the gymnast) goes to younger child's activities/school events equally. Gymnastics can be all consuming for a family, especially as they get older/in higher levels, so you just need to actively ensure there is balance.

 

[Pirouette]

I have 4 children, ages 17, 15, 13, and 11, plus a foreign exchange student. For my kids, it isn't about the financial fairness -- it's about how we share time with them. They love having mom or dad at their meets, games, competitions, etc., but they have learned that with 5 kids in the house, it may not always happen. We do our best for one of us to be there at every event. It has never come up that we spend a ridiculous amount on dd17's dance and dd15's gymnastics. Their brothers want dad to spend a few days at Scout camp with them and to play video games with them occasionally. Mom takes them for walks with the dog and out on errands. Spending time and showing interest is what's important.

That said, a rainy day fund is never a bad thing!

 

[sce]

She is young. It makes sense that she does not necessarily have strong interest in something yet. To keep things fair, just continue to support her in what she wants to do, whether it's a once a week class, going to the park with friends, helping you cook at home etc. I don;t thin there needs to be any equal amount of money spent as long as you can equally support what she wants to do, ie it will never be that because of gym costs you can't pay for her class/team etc.

 

[vbdb]

We have three kids and everyone gets to participate in whichever sport or activity they choose but there certainly isn't financial equality there. Oldest is the gymnast, middle kid is a sprinter and boy do I love how cheap track and field is! The littlest dabbles in a bunch of stuff still at 6. My middle one had a short stint at gym but didn't have the drive my oldest does, she's my housecat. I'm relieved she isn't at gym, I'd be in the poor house presently if she liked it better!

 

[triplethreat+1]

I have four kids, and fair in our house is that everybody gets to pick an activity/ extracurricular. My two oldest were both in gym, but my ODD stopped this summer and did art classes this year. Now just MDD is in gym (and has the most $ spent on her). YDD does karate (thankfully way cheaper). My son is 4 and hasn't picked anything yet, we will probably try him in karate in the coming year.
The other thing is that it changes so much over the years. My oldest had the most spent on her for a few years simply because she was at a higher level than her sister, but this year is much less. I think I would go insane trying to balance it- would you look at $ per age? What about inflation or interest lol?

 

[gymbeam]

I’m in the “everyone gets what they need when they need it” camp.

 

[Peachy88]

This was very informative. As a novice mom of two kids in activity ages it was good to know! I just feel like my youngest requires less attention too but we try to be attentive to her and engage with her in her activities.

 

[aspiringymnastmom]

I have 3 kids. 1 USAG gymnast (10yo), 1 IGC gymnast who also dances (7yo), and 1 skater (10yo). The skater requires by far more money and time (me or my DH are at the rink practically every morning at 6am, and he drives her to synchronized skating practice ~1.5 hours away every other week). We try to make sure one of us is there for their competitions/performances, and make sure they get what they need that way. The little one has fewer competitions than the other 2, so we make sure we spend time with her in other ways. I go a lot by their passions. My OG is intense. She wants to live at the gym, constantly practices, etc. I am happy to let her and support her. The LG is young and doesn't have that level of passion. I think we are still waiting for her to find her own thing!

 

[bookworm]

To be honest, I never gave a thought to the amount of money being spent on each kid's activity as an indicator of "fairness" .... I had 2 gymnasts and a baseball/hockey kid (who my husband trekked around most of the time) . My only thoughts were : do they enjoy what they're doing? And can we afford it? A "yes" to both and we carried on...

The fairness in all of this was that each kid got to decide what they wanted to do (or not) and we helped make it happen. I wouldn't even go down the dollar for dollar comparison of kids and activities because you'll end up driving yourself crazy...

My only caveat on that would be if I were being asked to spend X amount of dollars per month/year on an activity/sport for one kid...and I couldn't afford to do it...that would be a deal breaker for me as no family should bankrupt itself or be financially insolvent, no matter how talented your kid is or how much they "love" it...that's when the parent hat stays firmly in place and the plug is pulled.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

Fair doesn’t mean giving everyone the same. Fair is giving each one what they need.

 

[rjb123]

I have three children in four sports- my gymnast age 12, my swimmer age 14 and my tennis/ cheer kid age 9. My youngest was in gym and competed a year but it was not for her. When she moved on I thought we would save SO much on her activities! NOPE! Both comp cheer (and she only does prep level, which is similar to XCEL) and tennis are expensive! Tennis is crazy expensive and time consuming! (who knew?!) BUT all three love what they are doing and that is what makes us happy.

 

[MuggleMom]

I agree with everyone else its about fair access to doing "something" that being said if one is doing a sport camp I try and find a sport camp for the other (even though the dollar amounts arent the same). And you have to be sure the financial expense for one doesn't result in the other not being able to do activities. Other than that they dont know how much you spend on activities and later in life they will only care that you gave them an opportunity to do what it was that they each loved not that one sport was more $$ than the other.

 

[PinPin]

Our YDD (9) is a level 4 gymnast (in South Africa) and doesn't want to do anything else. She does 9 hours a week which is on the high side for her gym. Her gymnastics tuition is way cheaper than our ODD's music lessons (1 hour a week each violin and piano). Gym is cheaper per quarter than music per month. ODD (14) also plays in a school orchestra and ensemble, sings in 2 choirs and dabbles in drama and public speaking. So at the moment my non-gymmie is the one that interferes with family time, has holiday camps etc. and who costs us way more. This will probably change if the youngest stays in gymnastics, but of course our gymnastics world is not nearly as intense as the US for example. Also ODD loves going to little sister's meets, but the little one hates sitting still so really doesn't enjoy concerts and recitals even though she loves music and singing.
We try to make sure that at least one of us attend whatever is going on, but financially it would be impossible to make the spend fair.

 

[my4buffaloes]

The time will likely come for your younger child when there is something expensive she wants to do. On a month to month basis things have not always been equal for my 2 gymnasts and my 2 non-gymnasts. But the non-gymnasts have done other things like fly to spend weeks/months with grandparents, go on 2-week scout trips, and other things. It should all even out in the end. And at 4.5 I doubt she has any clue how much you are spending on your other child and how little you are spending on her. If I were you I would not worry about it at all right now.