Parents Sour grapes/navigating jealousy

[Texasmomof3]

This weekend was our state meet for level 6.

Bit of background: dd scored out of level 5 in September with a solid 37 at the one level 5 meet she attended. She then immediately broke her hand and dislocated her thumb. She was in a hard cast for 8 weeks followed by a soft cast for two more weeks and wasn't allowed to resume anything other than light conditioning until after Thanksgiving. Level 6 began in January. During her down time, she grew three inches and gained 10 pounds. (She is in 7th grade.)

Not surprisingly, level 6 was a bit of a hot mess, as her vault and bars, especially, just didn't come together for her.

Then, to make matters worse, the week before state she had stomach flu. She didn't practice the four days before the meet and was still throwing up the night before state. She went to state anyway, because you don't just skip state when you aren't feeling well. Amazingly, she actually pulled a 36 at state, even with a fall on beam. And she won first place on floor at state. It was not her best floor routine of the season, but it was better than every other girl in her age division that day, so she got gold, gets to go to the state champion's banquet, etc.

She has been hearing sour grapes all weekend from girls in other age divisions where her score would not have been 1st. I have also heard veiled comments from other parents about how low her score was for a first. I'm not sure how to navigate this. I just want to let her feel happy about this success after how horrible the autumn was for her. She didn't pick her age group or do anything to try to game the system.

So how do you respond? Or how do you teach your child to respond to true but biting comments about age groups?

 

[MeetDirector]

BTDT. Here's the deal - by the luck of the "magical" age division/grouping she was put in a group that on the given day didn't do any better than your dd and on that given day your dd's best (that she could muster) was good enough in the end. There should be no comparison between the different age groups in the meet.

 

[twinmomma]

First of all, Congratulations to your DD! She should be incredibly proud.

Secondly, @MeetDirector is right - you can't compare between groups, not only because of the kids being different, but sometimes they have different judges on different days or even in different groups. This last weekend, DD's carpool buddy took 1st on beam which would have had her 7th in my DD's age group. Oh well. Guess what? We celebrated for and with her. DD's floor score would have had her 3rd in the older group instead of 7th. And her AA would have been 3rd instead of 5th. None of it matters. The sour grapes says much more about those other parents/kids than it does at all about yours. Both of you should ignore the comments and let it peter out, because it will. They'll find someone else to pick on.

 

[duyetanh]

I hear sour grapes taste horrible, be glad you don't have any in your fridge...

On a serious note, I think what your daughter did was AMAZING, and should be celebrated. Ignore the sour grapes, they won't taste any better...better yet, throw them out. And replace them by handing out sweet nothings, which always befuddled those who don't realize that sour grapes sure as hell don't make fine wine....

 

[twinmomma]

Not to mention, had she been 100% her score would likely have been much higher, STILL placing her first. Wouldn't have changed the outcome at all.

 

[twinmomma]

And if you hear it from the parents - maybe say, loud enough for the others, "Well, congratulations to your child on her wonderful performance too."

 

[duyetanh]

And if you hear it from the parents - maybe say, loud enough for the others, "Well, congratulations to your child on her wonderful performance too."

yes...this. As I said, sweet nothings...

 

[Sasha]

Well, not much you can do but try to be understanding to the feeling the other girls and their parents have of getting a higher score and not getting the 'spoils' of a gold medal and a special banquet invitation. It does sting. Any sour grapes are nothing to do with your daughter, but the 'system' of age groupings, which can be your friend or foe on any given day. Parents have a funny way of focusing primarily on their own kid, and probably when something feels unjust, often the need to vent temporarily inhibits our ability to think actively about the possible effect of a comment on others.

Very thrilled for your daughter's success and perseverance. The other parents may or may not know the full extent of her ups and downs, and internal and external struggles. And you may not know some of their daughters' as well. Though there may be a Nasty Nellie in the group who is truly jealous and thinks your daughter is underserving, I prefer to believe that most offhand comments are said more in thoughtlessness due to the intense emotion of seeing your own child disappointed, rather than in malice.

 

[Sasha]

Edit to my above post - not actually sure if other girls scored higher than your DD, but regardless, it sounds like your DD was perhaps 'most benefitted' by the luck of the age-groupings that day, which can still feel discouraging to the girl who didn't happen to benefit that day.

I think gymnasts this age should be able to comprehend this aspect of a competitive sport, in that you can't control the competition, and sometimes you will get lucky, and sometimes you won't in terms of placements.

Just ask every female gymnast who is hoping for an AA placement in the Olympics this year against Simone Biles!

And I'm sure your daughter can also understand that it is disappointing when you don't happen to place, and so easy to start to play the "if only I was in Susie's age group" game. And that it is hard for humans to be congratulatory in the midst of one's own disappointment (though it is certainly an ideal to aspire to).

 

[Deleted member 18037]

"Smile and wave boys, Smile and wave."

Seriously, my stock answer is, "she is a hard worker and had a good day."

Spend more time talking with her about it. A sportsmanship lesson on conducting herself with grace and dignity.

 

[NutterButter]

She has been hearing sour grapes all weekend from girls in other age divisions where her score would not have been 1st. I have also heard veiled comments from other parents about how low her score was for a first. I'm not sure how to navigate this. I just want to let her feel happy about this success after how horrible the autumn was for her. She didn't pick her age group or do anything to try to game the system.

So how do you respond? Or how do you teach your child to respond to true but biting comments about age groups?

Meh, I'd just ignore the comments from others. Unfortunately, it is a reality that some age groups are not as competitive regarding scores. And depending on when an age group competes, the scores may be even lower (I'm thinking about the time that my DD was the very first kid in her entire level to compete beam; her score was lower than usual but so were all of the other scores that session which was just one age group, the oldest age group. As the day went on, scores crept up and up on all events. I think DD's age group would have been scored higher at the end of the day vs first out of the gate). Your DD is old enough to realize this. It is what it is. It doesn't need to take away from her successes this season at all. She accomplished a lot and should be proud.

I presume the sour grapes comments she is hearing from girls are from her younger teammates? Just sounds like immaturity to me. My DD is a few years older than some of her teammates. She is quite close to them all and most of them are quite mature for their age. However, every now and then one says something a little questionable to DD. They don't mean any harm and DD chocks it up to the age difference. There's a lot of growing up that goes on between 5th grade and 7th grade, KWIM?

Congrats to you DD!!

 

[Texasmomof3]

Interestingly, none of the comments came from kids who actually scored higher than dd. That is what makes the comments just feel more mean. Dd also looked and saw that she did not have the lowest first place score by a long shot. She also saw that if she were a touch older or a touch younger, she would have medaled everything except beam, whereas she only got the one floor medal. And in the youngest age division at state, her AA would have been a last place finish.

I do think it might be a maturity issue with the younger kids. All three comments she told me about were from 5-6th graders. They spend so much time together and are so close (and all the same size) we tend to forget there is a maturity gap.

 

[NutterButter]

I do think it might be a maturity issue with the younger kids. All three comments she told me about were from 5-6th graders. They spend so much time together and are so close (and all the same size) we tend to forget there is a maturity gap.

Yes!! This is so true. I was recently talking to the mom of the youngest on DD's team. She said she forgets that my DD is so much older. I said that I forget that her DD is so young. LOL.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

Interestingly, none of the comments came from kids who actually scored higher than dd. That is what makes the comments just feel more mean. Dd also looked and saw that she did not have the lowest first place score by a long shot. She also saw that if she were a touch older or a touch younger, she would have medaled everything except beam, whereas she only got the one floor medal. And in the youngest age division at state, her AA would have been a last place finish.

Good sounds like your daughter gets scoring.

My daughter gets this too. She likes to know how everyone did all together despite age groups.

So really its back to life lessons for you and daughter dealing with petty folks.

Of course you could do something like.............. I know its a bummer how the age groups work sometime, if she/I had been in a different group she/I would of medaled in everything

Actually we keep our smarmy to ourselves. But its nice to vent about it.

Your daughter gets its, had a rough season, worked hard and it ended well. That is a win and the lesson, bravo.

 

[Sasha]

Interestingly, none of the comments came from kids who actually scored higher than dd. That is what makes the comments just feel more mean. Dd also looked and saw that she did not have the lowest first place score by a long shot. She also saw that if she were a touch older or a touch younger, she would have medaled everything except beam, whereas she only got the one floor medal. And in the youngest age division at state, her AA would have been a last place finish.

I do think it might be a maturity issue with the younger kids. All three comments she told me about were from 5-6th graders. They spend so much time together and are so close (and all the same size) we tend to forget there is a maturity gap.

Well, hopefully your daughter can lead by example, as children that age are not always creatures of perfect reason, rational thinking, or emotional awareness. I do know my daughter and her teammates frequently analyze the score placements together, as in "yep, that would have been a 2nd place if I was a month older! darn it! haha." all in front of each other with the meetscores app open. So far, it's pretty matter of fact and a good group, so maybe the group-score-analysis thing helps them all keep perspective. Congrats again to your daughter, and hopefully she can be a shining example of sportsmanship for all!

 

[GymDad9.9]

Interestingly, none of the comments came from kids who actually scored higher than dd. That is what makes the comments just feel more mean. Dd also looked and saw that she did not have the lowest first place score by a long shot. She also saw that if she were a touch older or a touch younger, she would have medaled everything except beam, whereas she only got the one floor medal. And in the youngest age division at state, her AA would have been a last place finish.

I do think it might be a maturity issue with the younger kids. All three comments she told me about were from 5-6th graders. They spend so much time together and are so close (and all the same size) we tend to forget there is a maturity gap.

Congratulations on your daughter's winning the State Championship in floor. Well done!

The fact these comments are coming from kids who scored lower than your daughter makes it a bit more insidious. I can almost understand a young kid questioning why they didn't win an event or an All Around if others in other age groups score lower. But to have something to say when your own score is lower than the one you're complaining about is beyond sour grapes.

 

[NutterButter]

The fact these comments are coming from kids who scored lower than your daughter makes it a bit more insidious. I can almost understand a young kid questioning why they didn't win an event or an All Around if others in other age groups score lower. But to have something to say when your own score is lower than the one you're complaining about is beyond sour grapes.

Insidious? That's a harsh word, implying lots of intent. It actually sounds pretty normal for the 10-12 age group. Not even necessarily catty. And just because your kid may not do such a thing (mine wouldn't have either; and no she is not perfect) there are plenty of well-meaning, non-bullying kids that do make insensitive comments.

 

[GymDad9.9]

Insidious? That's a harsh word, implying lots of intent. It actually sounds pretty normal for the 10-12 age group. Not even necessarily catty. And just because your kid may not do such a thing (mine wouldn't have either; and no she is not perfect) there are plenty of well-meaning, non-bullying kids that do make insensitive comments.

Catty implies intent too.

Call it what you want. Shame on them individually and shame on them for being really poor teammates.

 

[twinmomma]

Call it what you want. Shame on them individually and shame on them for being really poor teammates.

This. These kids are the ones who end up being entitled adults who whine about things not being "fair" all the time. Welcome to life, kiddo.

 

[Sasha]

I guess I would wonder what exactly the kids said and in what context. "Sour grapes" is open to interpretation. For example,

"Man, only 9.2 on Floor? And you got State Champion?? I would think only a 9.8 would win State Champion. That's what you usually have to get." -- from a child could be innocent, though insensitive, observation on scoring ranges depending on how it was said.

"I don't think you deserve to be State Champion with only a 9.2." -- now that is more directly rude.